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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be disappointed with IL’s gift?

212 replies

DoesThisLookRight · 12/08/2019 13:17

IL’s live 200 miles away from us but a few roads down from dh’s dsis. As such, they are very close to the other set of grandkids but not so close to our kids. They speak on the phone most weekends and Skype a couple of times a month though. We drive up at least 3 times a year for a weekend. They haven’t been down to us once since we moved 18 months ago. They are healthy, can and do drive long distances and we have plenty of room so no real reason they haven’t come down except that they just don’t want to. They even driven past our house on their way to a holiday and didn’t come in for a cup of tea despite me inviting them.

Ds’s birthday in a few days. I opened an Amazon package today addressed to me and find a battered, secondhand copy of Ganster Granny. No note or explanation. After a bit of digging it turns out that this is their birthday present for ds. I received a message from MIL after asking if she knew what it was saying ‘hope ds (name spelt wrong) likes it. I remembered he said it was his favourite book. I hope he has a great day. Best not to call on the day as we’re going to a book reading. Speak soon, love MIL.’

IL’s are pretty wealthy. For my niece and nephews birthday (they’re 2 days apart so got a joint present) IL’s paid for a weekend at CenterParcs. My ds gets a secondhand book that he’s actually told them that he’s already read and already has. No card, nothing. I’m tempted not to give it to him it’s so crap.

I’ve tried so bloody hard for them. I have crippling social anxiety but they insisted that Dh and I have a big wedding so they could show off to their friends. I went along with that and so much other shit just to try and get them to like me and they give ds a book worth 20p from a charity shop.

I know I’m being a brat but it’s just the latest thing after years of being left out and they can’t even be bothered to wrap up a present.

OP posts:
Lostmychristmasspirit · 12/08/2019 20:02

Ignoring it is all well and good but your son will recognise he is treated differently by his GPs one day and it will hurt him.

Trust me as a grandchild of similar grandparents and as the mother of a child with similar grandparents (ILs) I know this.

My DD (8) has recognised this for a couple of years now purely by herself. It hurts her feelings so much.

Cryalot2 · 12/08/2019 20:04

Hugs op .
You and ds have been on the receiving end of appallingly bad manners from people who should have shown love and kindness.

Speak to your dh about all. Both agree on what action to take. You do not need people like this in your life.
Flowers

LinusSula · 12/08/2019 20:11

Horrible twats! Send the book back with a "don't fucking bother next time" I know you can't actually do that but damn I'd be tempted!

Warpdrive · 12/08/2019 20:26

my dm bought the same gift 2 years in a row for my nephew. the 2nd year i actually told her outright, Youve already got him that last year. she was suitably embarrassed and immediately took it back and gave him some money instead.
3 years later she gave it to my son.

some people are crap at gifts. it doesnt mean theyre horrid, or they dont love you, or they dont care. it means theyre crap at gifts.

Daffodil2018 · 12/08/2019 20:34

I'd call them out.

Big smile: "thanks for the book. So when are we off to Centerparcs then?"

DoesThisLookRight · 12/08/2019 20:36

warpdrive I completely understand that some people are crap with gifts. If it had been wrapped and with a card then I wouldn’t really think much of it. It just seems so spectacularly crap that it has to be done on purpose.

OP posts:
saraclara · 12/08/2019 20:37

My favourite auntie is terrible at gifts. Seriously, we've had the weirdest of second hand things over the years. It's become a family joke, but we love her. She makes up for it in many other ways. And she treats us all the same.

Having said that, last Christmas, as she handed us all our gifts we discovered that she'd given each of us a seriously generous money gift. Enough that I could spend mine on a foreign holiday.

DoesThisLookRight · 12/08/2019 20:37

daffodil Center Parcs with my IL’s is the stuff of nightmares.

OP posts:
CherryPavlova · 12/08/2019 20:44

Hah warpdrive you just made me laugh when I remembered that Grandma sent Greyfriars Bobby four years running.

Scoobydoobywho · 12/08/2019 20:54

A tatty book that your ds already owns is one thing but then to add insult to injury spelling his name wrong and saying they won't be able to speak to him on his birthday due to being at a book reading just takes the biscuit.

Fuckedoff1 · 12/08/2019 20:56

Do you have loads more money than their other grandchildren's parents? My mum and dad give a very generous weekly allowance to each of my two sisters but not to me because my husband earns a lot. They try to treat the grand children fairly but still upsets me as my kids will be up to their necks in debt due to university fees that their other grandchildren won't have because they live and go to university in Scotland. We live close to London and have nothing like the houses they can afford up there on a fraction of our salaries. Could they be paying for Centrparcs because the others can't afford it and they think you can?

Fuckedoff1 · 12/08/2019 20:58

Dont get me wrong. I think you inlaws have been utterly shit x

FattyPeddledFuriously999 · 12/08/2019 21:37

YANBU gits that they are

Daffodil2018 · 12/08/2019 22:57

Well, yes, I didn't mean you should literally ask them to take you to Centerparcs. Just that you should make the point about them having paid for their other grandchildren to go.

Smelborp · 12/08/2019 23:11

I would raise this with them, but not passive aggressively or out and out aggressively.

Just say that it’s quite hurtful to receive a second hand copy of something he already has and hurtful that they won’t even phone on the day. There’s a huge disparity between the cousins and they’re not being fair.

Tonnerre · 12/08/2019 23:56

What does your DH think about this "present"? Is he going to take it up with his parents?

Justhavingacry · 13/08/2019 00:05

My grandfathers second wife was a vile beast by all accounts!

I'm adopted, not a secret but she made damn sure I knew it.

I was 8 or so and struggling to mind my manners after I had just been given a half used tube of toothpaste for Christmas - Dad sent me to the car, at first i thought i was in trouble for not being thankful.

He went bananas then got in the car and told me "the only time you have to see that _ again is her funeral, and that's just to make sure shes dead" - we went home and I've only seen her once since.

FWIW (depending on age) I think you let your DC see you fighting for them.

Isittheend · 13/08/2019 00:15

@justhavingacry I love that your DF did that!

GreenTulips · 13/08/2019 00:20

GO Justhavingacry dad!!

Matildalamp · 13/08/2019 00:21

@Justhavingacry
Your DF sounds absolutely lovely Flowers

snapcrap · 13/08/2019 09:06

Woah Justhavingacry!

That is the stuff of fantasies (I have a similarly evil relative, wish my dad had stuck up for me like that).

x

chocatoo · 13/08/2019 09:42

Get DS to write a thank you letter that says thank you for the gift but that he has already read it and already has a copy so he has decided to give it to the charity shop so that another boy or girl can enjoy it.

ManderlyAgain · 13/08/2019 09:57

Christ that’s pretty nasty of them OP.
I’d hold onto the tatty book and send it back to her for their Christmas present, saying I hope they enjoy it as much as DS did. Spell her name wrong naturally and ask her not to ring as it’s Christmas and you’re busy.
Or you could just call time on this shit. Ring her up (during book signing) state calmly that her behaviour is not on re: gift disparity, and what your preferable outcome is. Leave all future contact to your DH and move on to a more satisfying life where you don’t have to engage with the fools.

dustarr73 · 13/08/2019 10:01

Put it on fb,tag them all in it and shame them.

And then seriously i just wouldnt be bothered or letting them see their gc. As to put it bluntly,they dont give a shit.

Cassilis · 13/08/2019 10:09

OP, are you going to continue the thrice yearly trips? In your shoes I would stop going and tell DH he is welcome to take DC by himself.