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Original poster

To be disappointed with IL’s gift?

212 replies

DoesThisLookRight · 12/08/2019 13:17

IL’s live 200 miles away from us but a few roads down from dh’s dsis. As such, they are very close to the other set of grandkids but not so close to our kids. They speak on the phone most weekends and Skype a couple of times a month though. We drive up at least 3 times a year for a weekend. They haven’t been down to us once since we moved 18 months ago. They are healthy, can and do drive long distances and we have plenty of room so no real reason they haven’t come down except that they just don’t want to. They even driven past our house on their way to a holiday and didn’t come in for a cup of tea despite me inviting them.

Ds’s birthday in a few days. I opened an Amazon package today addressed to me and find a battered, secondhand copy of Ganster Granny. No note or explanation. After a bit of digging it turns out that this is their birthday present for ds. I received a message from MIL after asking if she knew what it was saying ‘hope ds (name spelt wrong) likes it. I remembered he said it was his favourite book. I hope he has a great day. Best not to call on the day as we’re going to a book reading. Speak soon, love MIL.’

IL’s are pretty wealthy. For my niece and nephews birthday (they’re 2 days apart so got a joint present) IL’s paid for a weekend at CenterParcs. My ds gets a secondhand book that he’s actually told them that he’s already read and already has. No card, nothing. I’m tempted not to give it to him it’s so crap.

I’ve tried so bloody hard for them. I have crippling social anxiety but they insisted that Dh and I have a big wedding so they could show off to their friends. I went along with that and so much other shit just to try and get them to like me and they give ds a book worth 20p from a charity shop.

I know I’m being a brat but it’s just the latest thing after years of being left out and they can’t even be bothered to wrap up a present.

OP posts:
cantfindname · 12/08/2019 13:52

Try not to rise to it. My mother did this to my kids. She adored them and couldn't do enough for them until the Golden child had children and mine were dropped like hot cakes. Strangely one of mine got a 2nd hand battered book for her 18th birthday. It was a book on cake icing which she has/had zero interest in. She opened it, said 'Tight old cow' and lobbed it at the bin!

I know it hurts, and I know it's nasty but don't give her the satisfaction of reacting to her meanness or she will come up with a thousand equally pathetic excuses to try to justify herself.

Ironically before she died mother fell out with both my brother's children and they wanted nothing to do with her. She seemed surprised that mine didn't want to go and visit her either.

ChildminderMum · 12/08/2019 13:55

I'd message them to say he already has it so you've ordered him a copy of a new book by the same author that he hasn't read and will say it's from them.

And in future stop trying with them. Bare minimum and expect the same back.

NoSauce · 12/08/2019 13:56

Stop trying OP, you’ve done more than enough. Sadly they’re not bothered and I know that must feel terrible, especially for your DC.

Unless you point out that they do so much more for their other child and grandchildren and have it out with them ( which I guess would cause WW3 ) all you can is get on with your lives. If you don’t it will only make you even more bitter and resentful.

Are your parents still alive OP?

timshelthechoice · 12/08/2019 13:57

I'd just send her a message: 'Yes, we received the book. He already has it so have returned it. Best, OPx' and that's that and stop making an effort with them at all. They don't give a shit. Chamomile is right.

AlwaysCheddar · 12/08/2019 14:00

I’d send it to GO and tell them he has it but they could keep it for other GC who are down the road from them. Nothing to loose.

Antonin · 12/08/2019 14:00

Some posters seem to want to give ILs the benefit of the doubt, whereas to purchase a second hand book from Amazon one has to take extra steps so fully intended.

ScatteredMama82 · 12/08/2019 14:00

I wouldn't say anything at all. Surely if you seem them so infrequently there is no way your DCs will know that the other kids are treated differently. Leave it to your DH to decide if he gives DS the book or not, and what, if anything he says to his parents . Distance yourself from the problem and STOP making such an effort with them.

Dandelion1993 · 12/08/2019 14:01

I'd be straight up with her say that if she can't even spell his name right then she shouldn't bother at all.

That's awful.

Send it back saying he has it and after a holiday was given to the other GCs for their birthday then a second hand book he's already read is an insult.

letsjog · 12/08/2019 14:02

DH - any idea why your parents thought a second hand book that DS already owns would be a good present? Maybe you should check with them to make sure they aren’t losing their marbles”

I'd be tempted to say something like this ^^

Or I'd have said something along the lines of "oh dear seems something must've gone wrong as they delivered a used second hand book DS already has - I haven't given it to him as I didn't think you'd want him to think you got him something you obviously know he already has. Should I contact Amazon to check?"

flouncyfanny · 12/08/2019 14:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
DoesThisLookRight · 12/08/2019 14:05

No, definitely not a first edition or signed or anything. I hadn’t considered it might be that though so had to check. IL’s absolutely adore Dh and think he’s completely perfect. They have no reason to dislike me but they’ve certainly never warmed to me. It’s daft but I feel like I’ve only just realised that I’ve done all this shit for them to try and get them to like me and our dc’s and it’s never going to happen. Which is sad for dh and my dc’s.

I’m not going to give the book to ds. He’s got lots of lovely presents from us and my side of the family. I don’t think he’ll notice that there’s nothing from his other GP’s.

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 12/08/2019 14:05

Even if it were a first edition - who ever knew a young child who cared about that?

It's a book he already has! I don't know anyone who would send someone a copy of a book they already had, child or adult - it's just a panic-buy.

Did your DS do a 'birthday present list' or did you give your ILs any indication towards what they might like, or did they just have to go for the first idea they had?

Notgoodatchoosingnames · 12/08/2019 14:05

What does your husband say about it?

Wonkybanana · 12/08/2019 14:06

OP try to put it to the back of your mind until DH comes home, and then deal with it together. Would he back you in going NC?

thecatinthetwat · 12/08/2019 14:06

Do not waste your time trying to get others to like you.

This.

It's a sad situation tbh, but there is nothing you can do about it. Except take the hint!

ShirleyPhallus · 12/08/2019 14:09

What does your husband say?

QualCheckBot · 12/08/2019 14:10

I hope he has a great day. Best not to call on the day as we’re going to a book reading.

I actually think this is worse than the second hand book!

IAskTooManyQuestions · 12/08/2019 14:11

Look, this is not your moneky, it's your DHs problem. Let him deal with his parents. Why would you get so over involved?

I’m not going to give the book to ds. He’s got lots of lovely presents from us and my side of the family. I don’t think he’ll notice that there’s nothing from his other GP’s.

What does the childs father think ?

ShhhBeQuiet · 12/08/2019 14:12

I'd give him the book. It would be odd bit too.

Otherwise I'd leave everything up to your DH and try not to worry about it.

Bornfreebutinbiscuits · 12/08/2019 14:12

Op if your side are kinder your lucky.

Ignore and avoid in future and do not make any effort let the rope drop.
It's sad but he has other gp which is fine.

lmusic87 · 12/08/2019 14:14

I agree, DH should be dealing with this.

Bornfreebutinbiscuits · 12/08/2019 14:14

Oh yes that awful message!!

Best not to call we are going to a book reading.

How nasty is that?

billy1966 · 12/08/2019 14:14

Appalling behaviour.

I would be very hurt with such a disrespectful gift.

I would have to remark on it.

I would make absolutely no effort with them going forward.

Bluntness100 · 12/08/2019 14:16

I suspect she thought she was being thoughtful as he liked the book and doesn't realise he has it.

Getting his name spelling wrong, and having such a disparity in gifts isn't ok though. I'm also curious what your husband thinks.

ClemDanFango · 12/08/2019 14:18

They might ask him on Skype or phone if he liked the book so I don’t think not giving it to him is a good option.
Can you talk to your DH and ask him to sort this out with his parents, they need asking directly why there is such a discrepancy between how the grandchildren are treated why do your nieces and nephews get trips to centre parks and your children get tattered old books? I couldn’t let this go it’s so unfair for your DCs.