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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be disappointed with IL’s gift?

212 replies

DoesThisLookRight · 12/08/2019 13:17

IL’s live 200 miles away from us but a few roads down from dh’s dsis. As such, they are very close to the other set of grandkids but not so close to our kids. They speak on the phone most weekends and Skype a couple of times a month though. We drive up at least 3 times a year for a weekend. They haven’t been down to us once since we moved 18 months ago. They are healthy, can and do drive long distances and we have plenty of room so no real reason they haven’t come down except that they just don’t want to. They even driven past our house on their way to a holiday and didn’t come in for a cup of tea despite me inviting them.

Ds’s birthday in a few days. I opened an Amazon package today addressed to me and find a battered, secondhand copy of Ganster Granny. No note or explanation. After a bit of digging it turns out that this is their birthday present for ds. I received a message from MIL after asking if she knew what it was saying ‘hope ds (name spelt wrong) likes it. I remembered he said it was his favourite book. I hope he has a great day. Best not to call on the day as we’re going to a book reading. Speak soon, love MIL.’

IL’s are pretty wealthy. For my niece and nephews birthday (they’re 2 days apart so got a joint present) IL’s paid for a weekend at CenterParcs. My ds gets a secondhand book that he’s actually told them that he’s already read and already has. No card, nothing. I’m tempted not to give it to him it’s so crap.

I’ve tried so bloody hard for them. I have crippling social anxiety but they insisted that Dh and I have a big wedding so they could show off to their friends. I went along with that and so much other shit just to try and get them to like me and they give ds a book worth 20p from a charity shop.

I know I’m being a brat but it’s just the latest thing after years of being left out and they can’t even be bothered to wrap up a present.

OP posts:
Limt · 12/08/2019 16:03

So you've stolen their adored son? To get even they've decided to treat him and his child badly...… not very bright, are they?

Ignore OP, do nothing, their loss.

SugarPlumLairy2 · 12/08/2019 16:06

I’d let them know that you aren’t passing it on to Dc.
They know what they’ve done. It’s hurtful. Don’t let it slide.

“Hi, after our conversation I realised that this would be such a hurtful thing to give Dc that I couldn’t be a part of it. I won’t be passing it on to him. He already has this book, As you know, you remembered him telling you he’d enjoyed reading it, though his copy is new unlike this one.
It’s probably for the best you haven’t sent him a card either as you spelt his name wrong.
This is most disappointing and I can’t imagine what was going through your minds at the time. “

toria6118 · 12/08/2019 16:07

Nothing worse than a thoughtless gift. Mind you, when me and my siblings were kids my fathers family thought it appropriate at Christmas time to have all the children open gifts, but me and my siblings got nothing. It sticks with you. I’m nearly 40 and I remember how horrible that was.

icedgem85 · 12/08/2019 16:08

Is it a signed first edition? I can't think why anyone would give a second hand copy of that otherwise.

LazyLemur · 12/08/2019 16:14

I would send a message to DMIL

"Dear MIL,

Thank you for DS present. Unfortunately, I had to return to Amazon. I don't know how it happened, but the seller sent a second hand copy! Besides, DS already has the book (as it's his favourite!).

Anyway, best not to mention it to him, as obviously I can't possibly let him have it on his birthday. Imagine him wondering why his cousins get a holiday for their birthday while he gets a grimy, battered old book! I'm sure you understand.

DoesThisLookRight"

Absolutely no way I would accept my child treated like that, and I would let them know why.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 12/08/2019 16:16

Dear OP. Please don't berate yourself; you are absolutely not being a brat. Sending you hugs, as you've been put into a horrible, hurtful situation. And when people extend this to your DC, it's simply not on. How does your DP feel? My DH and I have cut contact with his siblings because they ignore, ostracize and exclude our child. We won't tolerate it, and no one should ever feel called upon to tolerate it.

I don't read in your post about that gift a materialistic DiL who is merely being 'grabby'. I see someone who is hurt and disappointed with the general disinterest in her DS by his grandparents, and the lack of care shown in selecting the gift is just a symptom of that issue.

It also doesn't end with a lack of interest, I'm afraid to say. They're giving their other DGC weekends away for their birthdays, and somehow you are getting to hear about it (social media, no doubt, or some other less than subtle means of communication). They actively want you to know (otherwise you'd have no idea). Now they're presenting your DS with this gift. You're getting a loud, clear message as to where their hierarchy of importance lies - it's neither subtle, nor can even be given the benefit of the doubt and considered as mere tactlessness - and it's fucking hateful behaviour.

You can't force a relationship where the other parties are determined one won't exist, OP. All you can do for your DC's sake is refuse to allow his/your noses to be rubbed in it, and tacitly withdraw. Say nothing - people who indulge in cruel antics like this will only thrive on it.

I'm so sorry, OP Flowers Flowers

Anxiouszalice · 12/08/2019 16:26

This:

Hi, just to let you know that your gift arrived but it's a really tatty copy of the book he's already got and his name is spelt incorrectly. Did you purchase it from Amazon? I had a similar thing when I purchased something from there and it turned up in really poor quality. I just wanted to let you know so you can get a refund. I'll send it back as DN's may like it if they don't already have it. X

XXcstatic · 12/08/2019 16:26

Great advice from WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles.

Do they have form for crap presents? Because, if they don't, I might give them the benefit of the doubt about the book. I order loads of books off Amazon, so I'm very familiar with it but, even so, I have occasionally ordered a second-hand one accidentally. It's easily done if you choose the 'other sellers' option and don't filter to exclude used copies.

MaybeDoctor · 12/08/2019 16:28

I can sort of see how it might have happened, if they were on amazon and clicked the 'Used and new' or 'more buying options' buttons. You then get a long list of possible books in differing conditions.
So it might be that they just didn't think to check the condition of that specific book when they clicked the 'order' button, especially if they hadn't filtered out the second-hand options.

I try to buy 'Used-like new' or 'Used - Very Good' books for myself, in order to be a bit more environmentally friendly and cut costs. However, for a gift, I would always buy a new book from the main product page.

I would try not to take it as a complete insult. Most of the time I am very good at gift-buying for family birthdays and send nicely wrapped, appropriate and thoughtful gifts. However, there have been times when life has got on top of me, my memory seems to malfunction and I have completely forgotten the day altogether. It doesn't mean that I don't love the person.

Anxiouszalice · 12/08/2019 16:28

PS. My paternal grandparents used to loudly announce to my cousins that they would be taking them out for a meal once we had left their house and were very unequal about gifts (although to be fair my grandma still bought nice gifts). We loved my grandma (my grandad was an awful person) but we did notice!

1arlingtonroad · 12/08/2019 16:29

Stop trying to engage with them. Dh can do that or just stop contacting them. They're clearly not too bothered. this, big time.

My motto in life is to keep your expectations low and then you’ll never be disappointed. It’s shit but works

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 12/08/2019 16:31

XXcstatic does Amazon also allow you to accidentally buy a book that you know full well the child already owns? That’s the issue, the tatty second hand element is just rubbing salt in the wound!

Imagine your Granny came to your house and admired a lovely teapot you owned. Next birthday you get an identical one “because you said it was your favourite”....see how that is a crap present?

Hawkinsfirefly99 · 12/08/2019 16:33

They probably don't even realise how they're behaving. Just complete pig ignorance.

XXcstatic · 12/08/2019 16:34

XXcstatic does Amazon also allow you to accidentally buy a book that you know full well the child already owns? That’s the issue, the tatty second hand element is just rubbing salt in the wound!

Am not defending them over all - just saying that buying it secondhand could have been accidental. If they generally buy good presents, I would give them the benefit of the doubt. If they have form for doing similar, I wouldn't.

Summersunshine2 · 12/08/2019 16:34

YANBU!
My exh parents used to drive past the top of our road to visit their other DS and drop off my DC Christmas presents round there. I still cannot understand how people can be so horrible.
I wouldn't give the book to your son and upset him on his birthday.
I think you need to express your hurt to your DH but let him deal with it. It's his parents.

Pinkout · 12/08/2019 16:36

My MIL is like this. She rarely ever visits (although only lives about 10 miles away so even less excuse!) and when she does buy gifts for the DC they’re always second hand and often quite tatty. She has money and makes no secret of that but still just insists on buying charity shop tat we don’t and won’t use. I’m not a snob but I draw the line at dirty and broken toys...

That is horrible of your IL’s, I would be cutting contact down if I were you.

Raaaaaah · 12/08/2019 16:37

I think the first poster had it right. Rise above it. You will very rarely change anything with confrontation and it’s not worth stewing over it as they probably haven’t given it a second thought.

You never know it might not have been an intentional slight anyway. My Grandma used to give us second hand presents and she adored us. She gave my Dad a dead mans gloves once 😆. She just didn’t attribute value to over indulgent gifts and was very kind in other ways.

Effiedg · 12/08/2019 16:46

Post it to them with a note explaining that your DC has a copy and ask them to pass it on to their other GC.

ReanimatedSGB · 12/08/2019 16:51

I get the impression they are actively baiting you and want an angry or hurt reaction. Best thing to do is be polite when you encounter them but don't go a step out of your way to keep in contact. Anything like Xmas gifts/birthday cards for them are your H's problem, not yours. Not reacting is usually the best way to deal with spite.

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 12/08/2019 16:52

But surely XXStatic the accidental purchase of a second hand book is irrelevant when there was a deliberate purchase of a book he already had -MIL even said “I remembered he said it was his favourite”!

ShirleyPhallus · 12/08/2019 16:53

Dear MIL,

Thank you for DS present. Unfortunately, I had to return to Amazon. I don't know how it happened, but the seller sent a second hand copy! Besides, DS already has the book (as it's his favourite!).

Anyway, best not to mention it to him, as obviously I can't possibly let him have it on his birthday. Imagine him wondering why his cousins get a holiday for their birthday while he gets a grimy, battered old book! I'm sure you understand.

This is perfect!

VenusTiger · 12/08/2019 16:54

@DoesThisLookRight you have nothing to lose, so I think you should straight up and very politely ask her if everything is okay.... say you and DH have noticed a distance between you all since you moved and that you are worried it’s effecting your (all of you) relationship.

If you can’t be honest and ask then there’s not much else you can do. Find out in a non aggressive way what is wrong?

berlinbabylon · 12/08/2019 16:56

No advice to give - just a bunch of Flowers .

OpheliaTodd · 12/08/2019 17:01

*Dear MIL,

Thank you for DS present. Unfortunately, I had to return to Amazon. I don't know how it happened, but the seller sent a second hand copy! Besides, DS already has the book (as it's his favourite!).

Anyway, best not to mention it to him, as obviously I can't possibly let him have it on his birthday. Imagine him wondering why his cousins get a holiday for their birthday while he gets a grimy, battered old book! I'm sure you understand*

Another vote for this one.

Cornishclio · 12/08/2019 17:03

I agree with many others in that they are awful GPs but best ignore it and leave it to your DH when he gets back. He can decide what to do with the secondhand book but personally I would charity shop it rather than going to the trouble of sending it back. In future don't make the effort to phone, skype or visit and birthday/Christmas/mothers day and fathers day would be off the agenda. If they cannot be bothered then sod them.