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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should adult step children always come first?

208 replies

PeacockSunday · 03/08/2019 07:47

I’ve changed my name as my friend may be on MN and this could be outing.

Went out for lunch with friends yesterday. We’ve all been friends for years and get on really well. My friend has two children, boy and girl, almost identical ages to my step children, one 20, one 18. One at Uni, one not. She’s been a SAHM since they were born. I met DH six years ago, don’t have my own children and have always worked full time. (I met friend before she had children when we worked together).

Clearly we have very different lives but are both very happy in our choices.

My AIBU is surrounding the children. Step
Parenting is hard work at times, they’re not biologically mine and the bond isn’t there. We get on well and have no big issues, but I don’t love them like she loves her kids.

We were talking about the future and our lives when the kids have fully flown the nest, she said that of course the children should always come first. I disagree, I’m not saying they should come second, but why would an adult step child’s needs or wants come before the needs or wants of my husband and I. Should they not be allowed to make their own mistakes, learn their own path and, whilst we’ll always have their back, we put ourselves as a bit more of a priority when they’re adults?

OP posts:
Mileymileymoomoo · 03/08/2019 07:52

Not sure if you think the difference is because yours are step kids and hers are biological kids, or it’s just different ideas on parenting?

They are your DHs biological kids so he might feel the same as your friend.

I have a DD and a DSD. I love my DSD but not the same way as my DD (she has her own mum for that) but I treat them the same now and will do when they are adults.

I will always have their backs but I agree that they have to allowed to live their own lives including making their own mistakes.

Peanutbuttericecream · 03/08/2019 07:54

I agree with much of what you say. I see allowing children to make their own mistakes as a necessary part of letting go, as they become adults and yes always having their backs is what you do.

Where things differ, is that I would give my life for my children and I believe most parents would.

Whether adult children come first or second depends on circumstances though. I wouldn’t always put adult children first. It’s a question of balance and being sensible.

Original poster
PeacockSunday · 03/08/2019 07:55

I read a lot on here that kids should always come first. I agree when they are small and helpless and need looking after. But when they’re adults? I disagree that whether biological or not, the parents should start to take down priority at some point.

OP posts:
MsTSwift · 03/08/2019 07:56

Yes children’s needs come first as they often dependent and you responsible for their welfare. But not once they are adults! Then it should be equal whether biological or step

Tweetingmagpie · 03/08/2019 08:00

It’s a bit of a silly question really because it depends so much on the situation.

In what sort of situation would you have to choose whether to put the kids first or not?

Mileymileymoomoo · 03/08/2019 08:00

It’s balance though isn’t it. Yes they need for more “looking after” when little but even as adults they may still need help in certain situations.

Mum, my cars broke down, can I have a lift? No you’re an adult sort it out yourself or get public transport.

Mum, I’ve just had medical diagnosis and I’m scared. Right, I’m coming over now.

It’s not so black and white as you are making out?

Mileymileymoomoo · 03/08/2019 08:01

And that applies whether they are biological kids or step kids.

picklemepopcorn · 03/08/2019 08:06

It's a relationship between adult family members, so will hopefully be mutually supportive.

Building a relationship where you can rely on each other is mutually beneficial, whether it's giving each other lifts to the airport, or rallying round in tough times.

Original poster
PeacockSunday · 03/08/2019 08:08

Ok so it is situation dependent. Obviously if the children were in danger or in a very difficult situation versus a non-difficult it’s a no brainer.

What I’m asking is if a situation is balanced, if the child wants to come and stay when we have plans to do something else, should we drop what we’re doing to accommodate that?

I don’t want to drip feed and didn’t mention this initially as it is quite outing but we were talking about a long visit. My step children’s mother is going on holiday for two weeks. The younger one still lives with her and comes to us five overnights in 14. When not at uni the older one joins her. I think they are both capable of looking after themselves while she’s away and are welcome at ours at any time for dinner or if they want to stick to normal routine, but I don’t want them at ours full time for two weeks. I expect to be flamed!

OP posts:
swingofthings · 03/08/2019 08:09

What kind of needs? What kind of situation?

AngelasAshes · 03/08/2019 08:21

I’m not sure I understand you. The step children are 18 and 20, one at uni. They live with your husbands ex, their mother, and while she is on holiday they want to come to yours for a couple of weeks.

I don’t see that as relevant to a discussion about putting adult children’s needs over parents needs.

To me that is adult children who do not live with a parent wanting to come for a two week visit to see their dad (and you). It’s not right for you to come between them and their dad by limiting their time to dinner on a few nights. You can reschedule any plans you had because you live with their dad 24/7.

Marmalady75 · 03/08/2019 08:22

I’d take it as a compliment that they want to stay with you when they are capable of looking after themselves. Most young people at that age would be desperate for their parents to leave them alone at home 😉

AngelasAshes · 03/08/2019 08:24

Tbh two weeks is not a long visit. It’s the average for a family visit. My neighbour right now has her sister visiting for 4 weeks and she visited for 2wks this past Christina’s. The sister lives in Los Angeles.

Does your family not visit? Some families are closer than others.

gingersausage · 03/08/2019 08:28

No, but then I don’t believe any adult children “come first” so biological children and step children should be equal in that respect.

Probably controversially (on here anyway) but I don’t think any children should come first. A family is the sum of its parts and I don’t think it can function properly unless everyone’s needs are met. My children have never been more important than my husband or my marriage. As important, yes, in a different way. I know damn well I couldn’t have got through parenthood without my husband’s support, and pushing him out by making my kids the focus of my life wouldn’t have done any of us any good. It works both ways too. I expected him to prioritise me when I needed it and the children when they needed it.

Having said all that, I think not wanting your kids there for two weeks is just daft. It’s not like you need to entertain them. They come to your house, and I imagine they will act exactly as they do at their other house, ie spend most of their time in their room. You carry on with your life, ask if they will require feeding at mealtimes, vaguely enquire as to their plans if you are interested. My adult kids (similar ages to yours) both work, the oldest I rarely see the youngest is around a lot. I expect to know if they are eating here but beyond that it’s their life. Likewise, if we are away for the weekend or whatever I will mention it (especially if I need them to look after the dogs) but only out of common politeness.

Original poster
PeacockSunday · 03/08/2019 08:29

I’m not limiting their time to dinner in a few nights. 5 overnights in 14 they’ll be with us anyway. They can come over for dinner at any other time but as adults who only live a short drive away, can’t they fend for themselves for some of the time.

As I said I work full time as does DH. Neither of them work, so they’ll be in the house all day, they don’t help at all and will expect dinner on the table each night.

I don’t understand why they want this to be honest, at their age I would have loved to have an empty house to myself.

OP posts:
Tweetingmagpie · 03/08/2019 08:29

Angela’s ashes 2weeks is definitely not a normal length for a family visit!

TheBitchOfTheVicar · 03/08/2019 08:29

But...your step children are DH's biological children, yet you are expecting him to treat them as steps?

avalanching · 03/08/2019 08:29

I don't believe children's needs trump adults needs automatically at most ages let alone adult, life isn't as black and white as that, depends on the needs, the situation etc etc. It's never healthy to create mantras such as that, I think it's just validation for her life choices tbh, nod and smile...

Tweetingmagpie · 03/08/2019 08:30

Can you not tell them to sort themselves out op? At that age I wouldn’t expect them to need looking after? If they can’t already then now would be a good time to start.

Wishihad · 03/08/2019 08:33

It doesnt matter if you would have loved the house to yourself.

And this situation isnt about coming first. Thats their fathers house. They want to cone and stay. What if they decide to live with him full time?

You want him to put you first and say no they cant stay? Because two weeks in their fathers home is too much?

trilbydoll · 03/08/2019 08:33

It depends on what they need I guess. If at 25 they still need you to cook tea every night and wash their clothes something has probably gone a bit wrong!

For your situation I don't think it's necessarily a problem for the 18yo to come for 2w but if you have plans I would not cancel them, they are fine home alone, whichever house they're in.

FinallyHere · 03/08/2019 08:34

SM here, two DSC

In the circumstance that you describe, I would say they were welcome to visit for the fortnight their mother is away. Implicit in that invitation would be that they fitted into the life of the household.

It would be lovely to have them when we do eat together but otherwise to let them get on with their own live. I would expect DH to do some things with them alone , other things together.

I would not cancel existing plans while they were here.

Small point we DH and I take it in turns to cook so any extra effort buying food and cooking would be shared between us. I would expect DSD to do their own laundry and leave their rooms entirely for them.

I would treat them like any long stay guest not as if we were a hotel.

This for me would be balancing the needs of everyone involved.

LolaSmiles · 03/08/2019 08:34

If it was a case of "DP and I had plans to go away this weekend and adult stepchildren have expected us to change them last minute when it's not their normal weekend" then I'd say you put your plans first.

This is a case of "I want business as usual so think an 18 year old should be on their own for a fortnight because I don't see why my routine should change and I don't want her here".
That's horrible. If you have evening plans then go out. I'm sure the 18 year old will be just fine. If you were going to work then go to work. Nobody's expecting you to pander to her every need.

SophyStantonLacy · 03/08/2019 08:36

Do you consider your house with your DH to also be their home.

PixieN · 03/08/2019 08:37

I think two weeks can feel like a long time! It depends on what expectations are though and how well you get on with your step children. If you’re expected to entertain them the whole time, drop everything and have no plans of your own then that would be weird, especially as they’re adults, but i’m guessing they will still want to go out and see friends etc so there should be some balance. If it was me, i’d want to arrange some nice stuff with the step children, have plans with DH on our own or with friends as normal and plan some ‘me’ time to relax away from everybody Smile

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