Should adult step children always come first?

[PeacockSunday]

I’ve changed my name as my friend may be on MN and this could be outing.

Went out for lunch with friends yesterday. We’ve all been friends for years and get on really well. My friend has two children, boy and girl, almost identical ages to my step children, one 20, one 18. One at Uni, one not. She’s been a SAHM since they were born. I met DH six years ago, don’t have my own children and have always worked full time. (I met friend before she had children when we worked together).

Clearly we have very different lives but are both very happy in our choices.

My AIBU is surrounding the children. Step
Parenting is hard work at times, they’re not biologically mine and the bond isn’t there. We get on well and have no big issues, but I don’t love them like she loves her kids.

We were talking about the future and our lives when the kids have fully flown the nest, she said that of course the children should always come first. I disagree, I’m not saying they should come second, but why would an adult step child’s needs or wants come before the needs or wants of my husband and I. Should they not be allowed to make their own mistakes, learn their own path and, whilst we’ll always have their back, we put ourselves as a bit more of a priority when they’re adults?

Been there, done that (as bio parent). They are not adults. They are a teen and an overgrown teen. You have unreasonable expectations and need to adjust your thinking.

Not to say they can’t cook the odd simple dinner if the kitchen is stocked with suitable items. Not to say they can act like pigs and leave mess behind them. Not to say they can’t stick the washing machine on every now and then. But adults, nope.

@Greeve don’t try and back out of what you said, MN have deleted your vile rantings! What a coward you are, bullies always are.

@LolaSmiles just carry on with your delusions and making up stuff I haven’t said.
I’m disengaging from you, there is no point anymore, you think you’re right all the time, I know you’re not.

just carry on with your delusions and making up stuff I haven’t said.
But I'm not!
5 overnights in 14 they’ll be with us anyway. They can come over for dinner at any other time but as adults who only live a short drive away, can’t they fend for themselves for some of the time.
As I said I work full time as does DH. Neither of them work, so they’ll be in the house all day, they don’t help at all and will expect dinner on the table each night.
(Page 1)
it’s not their father’s house, it’s OUR house and I have a say on what goes on in it.
5 nights out if 14 is almost half. I’m not exactly abandoning them.
(Page 2)
You've said they're work shy.You've literally just said you'd have to act as a maid for them.

As many of us said on the first 1&3 pages. There's no need for drama. They stay at their dad's for a fortnight because they're his kids. Yours and their dad's life can go on as normal (just like anyone else who has college/university aged children at home over summer). They muck in and do their bit and if they don't then you and their dad, as the parent/stepparent, need to make it clear what's expected.
Thousands and thousands of people have college and university aged children at home over the summer. It's totally normal and a non-issue.

@PeacockSunday you said If I was a mother with the same exasperations, I would be patted on the back, not asked why I had children in the first place ..... no, I think you’d mostly be told it was your fault you’d raised two people to adulthood who were incapable of basic life skills.

I’ve got two useless young adult “children” and I know damn well it’s my own fault for not expecting more of them when they were younger. I don’t expect pats on the back though, I should have kicked arse more and done less.

Whether you’re a step parent or not is totally irrelevant. The answer would be the same. Adult children once they’ve left home should obviously be independent and won’t generally speaking come first in a family. But it would depend on a given situation. However, your view is going to be totally different to your friends and your DH, as they are related by blood to their DCs and that makes your mindset on your DCs totally different as you’re just someone who is a partner to their DF. As you say, you have no bond, so guess your indifference to them probably mirrors their indifference to you.

It’s their house ie their dads house. Come and go as they want at that age. As long as they are respectful and pull their weight.

This too petty to have its own thread but highlights a problem.

DSD has arrived ( see my comments earlier on page 8) at our holiday house. All good. We’ve all been out all today with friends .Her dad paid for all her snacks in the car, lunch and drinks..aside from a round of drinks that I bought. She bought nothing and offered nothing.

So DSD and I get dropped home whilst DP drops others off. He’s going to be an hour or so. I aske DSD what would she like for dinner as we’ve been out all and nothing in the holiday house. I’m going to the local shop before it shuts.
No Not hungry she says. Sure, I say? I’m getting a salad to use up a tiny bit of leftover salmon.

So I go on my own and buy salad for me, vegtables and a reduced curry meal for two for them . I say nothing to her ( she’s not hungry and doesn’t acknowledge I’m back really) but phone DP he has a ping meal and not to worry about food. When he returned suddenly DSD is all shall I put the curry in for us dad.

So a) no thanks for buying something b) no contribution either financially or in effort chosing something c) making out to her dad that she is involved somehow.

A couple of weeks of this would kill me. She an adult but acts like a kid. No problem with her dad paying for her but we have a grown up relationship. I’m her dads partner not her mum.

(The DSD are for formality rather than indicative of a mother daughter relationship)