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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should adult step children always come first?

208 replies

PeacockSunday · 03/08/2019 07:47

I’ve changed my name as my friend may be on MN and this could be outing.

Went out for lunch with friends yesterday. We’ve all been friends for years and get on really well. My friend has two children, boy and girl, almost identical ages to my step children, one 20, one 18. One at Uni, one not. She’s been a SAHM since they were born. I met DH six years ago, don’t have my own children and have always worked full time. (I met friend before she had children when we worked together).

Clearly we have very different lives but are both very happy in our choices.

My AIBU is surrounding the children. Step
Parenting is hard work at times, they’re not biologically mine and the bond isn’t there. We get on well and have no big issues, but I don’t love them like she loves her kids.

We were talking about the future and our lives when the kids have fully flown the nest, she said that of course the children should always come first. I disagree, I’m not saying they should come second, but why would an adult step child’s needs or wants come before the needs or wants of my husband and I. Should they not be allowed to make their own mistakes, learn their own path and, whilst we’ll always have their back, we put ourselves as a bit more of a priority when they’re adults?

OP posts:
MaxNormal · 03/08/2019 13:44

Oops wrong thread!

C8H10N4O2 · 03/08/2019 13:44

The suggestion is the poster starts behaving more positively towards the stepchildren and that they might benefit from that.

Your actual words, after telling the OP she was the wicked step mother in a fairy tale were:

Do lovely girlie things. Watch a chick flick film at the cinema, have a spa day at the weekend, bake together, whatever.

What a load of sexist twaddle.

The OP and her DH are both working full time and have two young adults wanting to stay. There is no suggestion that the OP needs to "work on her relationship" with the children or that their is any problem with it.

The only problem is that she has two young adults who expect two full time working adults to look after them as if they were 10 rather than 20.

It would never have occured to me at this age to sit on my backside whilst other people come home from work and cook and clean for me, whether they were my parents or not.
None of my children would do it either - they have better manners and more consideration.

JacquesHammer · 03/08/2019 13:44

Two grown adults expecting dinner on the table and apparently being unable to stay in a house together without another grown up to wait on them is an indictment of both their parents but it’s a bit late now

Or maybe they’d just like to spend more time with their dad?

I absolutely agree they don’t need waiting on, but simply by being there, they’re a problem?

Coupled with the “its not their house” is very unsavoury.

ittakes2 · 03/08/2019 13:48

I think its in your title - your adult step children. There are two issues - the first is should adult children always come first and the second is analysing your use of step. I would like to think if I had adult step children I would treat them the same as my adult biological children.

LolaSmiles · 03/08/2019 13:49

This thread has taken a nasty turn. It appears my original stance of querying why these adult children need to be mollycoddled and wrapped in cotton wool,

Them staying isn't mollycoddling! They're family. They're his kids wanting to stay with one of their parents in the summer holidays!

That's the point people are making. You think that you're being gracious and accomodating by inviting them round to dinner a bit more because you don't want them round and have a say in when he sees his children. Many of us disagree.

Your whole attitude of its my house too so i get a say in if they come and it's not their house etc is really quite unpleasant.

MonChatEstMagnifique · 03/08/2019 13:51

Them staying isn't mollycoddling! They're family. They're his kids wanting to stay with one of their parents in the summer holidays!

Well said.

Teachermaths · 03/08/2019 13:55

Most parents of adult children still take days off work to spend time with them during a visit.
Do they fuck for university and college age students! My parents carried on with life as normal when I returned for the holidays. I wouldn't expect dh to have time off at all. It sounds like he sees them weekly anyway.

That’s for their mum to sort as she’s the one who’s going away.
No, the children have a father too.

I agree with pps saying it sounds like the step children need to step up a bit and not be treated like babies. They can be expected to cook if they are home all day. I'd let them stay with a couple of changes to their behaviour whilst with you.

OP you sound pretty reasonable tbh. Some people on here just hate step parents.

JacquesHammer · 03/08/2019 13:56

Some people on here just hate step parents

That is such tired rhetoric.

swingofthings · 03/08/2019 13:57

OP, I am totally with you. Kids coming back from Uni can be a real pain in the bum with their sense of entitlement to still be treated like if they were 10yo. Some mums love to treat their kids as such when they've missed them soooo much whilst away but they are not your kids, so can totally understand that you wouldn't want them, lounging in your house taking over the place whilst you work.

Like you, I would have thought any kids that age would love to be home alone, but maybe mum said no way.

HollowTalk · 03/08/2019 13:58

OP, would you mind them staying if you came home from work to a tidy house and a dinner in the oven? Is your reason for not wanting them there all the time because of the demands they make?

LolaSmiles · 03/08/2019 13:59

MonChatEstMagnifique
I'd be devastated if my parents turned round to me at 18 and said "you've finished college now love so don't get in our way, sort yourself out, we don't want you round too much as we want our own routine... oh but it's ok because we'll graciously have you for food a couple of times".

They can be expected to cook if they are home all day. I'd let them stay with a couple of changes to their behaviour whilst with you.
What? Living with their parent for a fortnight is dependent on them cooking for dad and his partner?
I've heard it all now.

SandyY2K · 03/08/2019 13:59

Staying for 2 weeks shouldn't require you to drop your existing plans.

An 18 yo is capable of getting their own meals. If they aren't, there's a bigger problem.

You shouldn't have to wait on them and clean up their mess. Having said that, my DD is home from University and I find myself going on at her to tidy up.

LolaSmiles · 03/08/2019 14:00

JacquesHammer Oh there are a load of threads where a step mum has an issue and is told in no uncertain terms to butt out because they're a step mum and she has no business etc etc.

This thread is just nowhere close to one of those threads.

Teachermaths · 03/08/2019 14:02

What? Living with their parent for a fortnight is dependent on them cooking for dad and his partner?
I've heard it all now

I cooked for my parents whilst at home from university. As I would expect most students to. Not every night, but 3ish times per week. I had fuck all else to do and they were at work. I don't understand why you think this is unreasonable?

LatentPhase · 03/08/2019 14:05

Its not unreasonable for an 18 and 20 to cook. Nobody has to ‘wait on’ anyone else.

That’s the point!

JacquesHammer · 03/08/2019 14:05

LolaSmiles

This thread is just nowhere close to one of those threads

Exactly my point. Is lazy rhetoric because “MN hates step-mothers” is just a way to shut down legitimate discussion.

SandyY2K · 03/08/2019 14:07

but they are not your kids, so can totally understand that you wouldn't want them, lounging in your house taking over the place whilst you work

But they are her DHs children, he will probably feel differently.

I don't expect SP to love their SC like their own, but you have to understand that your spouse will love them like their own, because they are.

ShabbaDo · 03/08/2019 14:08

Christ alive.

You reiterating it's OUR house isn't helping your cause. OUR as in 50% your partners (their dad.)

They're not rushing to you for motherly love and devotion (thank god, I don't think they'd get much back)
The kids want to see (and spend some time with) their dad - absolutely nothing wrong with that.
It's not just about you and what you feel.

LolaSmiles · 03/08/2019 14:08

JacquesHammer
It's lazy on some threads like this.
On threads like this where the step mum is so obviously out of order it doesn't work.

On ones where the step mum rightly has concerns or says anything about mum and they get ripped apart I think the bias against SM comes out.

ShabbaDo · 03/08/2019 14:09

I'd love to see the kids side of this.

LolaSmiles · 03/08/2019 14:12

Teachermaths
I also mucked in and cooked because it's the family home and that's what we do.

My issue is the idea that them staying at their parent's house is dependent on them cooking for them.

The OP already thinks having someone 2 weeks into the summer holidays of year 13 living with her is the height of inconvenience and mollycoddling. Encouraging her to add a list of retirements (which shed probably design in a way to make her feelings known and to deter them from staying) seems off to me.

Teachermaths · 03/08/2019 14:12

How is the OP being unreasonable?

I wouldn't want my own kids lounging around the house all day and not pitching in.

I wouldn't ban the step children from stating but it's clear some boundaries need to be reset.

JacquesHammer · 03/08/2019 14:12

It's lazy on some threads like this

Which is why I did, in fact, post it on a thread where it’s relevant.

On threads like this where the step mum is so obviously out of order it doesn't work

Agreed. Which is why I don’t post it on those threads.

Teachermaths · 03/08/2019 14:15

I'm assuming from the 5 night stay that OP sees the children regularly. Therefore they have 2 homes. I think we just have a difference in expectations Lola.
I don't see the 2 week stay as a visit, more as just living in a different parents house for 2 weeks.

I

Wasrelaxing · 03/08/2019 14:15

In the scenario you are talking about i would have them stay for 2 weeks but not change my plans.
So if i was going to be out then i would still go out.