Should adult step children always come first?

[PeacockSunday]

I’ve changed my name as my friend may be on MN and this could be outing.

Went out for lunch with friends yesterday. We’ve all been friends for years and get on really well. My friend has two children, boy and girl, almost identical ages to my step children, one 20, one 18. One at Uni, one not. She’s been a SAHM since they were born. I met DH six years ago, don’t have my own children and have always worked full time. (I met friend before she had children when we worked together).

Clearly we have very different lives but are both very happy in our choices.

My AIBU is surrounding the children. Step
Parenting is hard work at times, they’re not biologically mine and the bond isn’t there. We get on well and have no big issues, but I don’t love them like she loves her kids.

We were talking about the future and our lives when the kids have fully flown the nest, she said that of course the children should always come first. I disagree, I’m not saying they should come second, but why would an adult step child’s needs or wants come before the needs or wants of my husband and I. Should they not be allowed to make their own mistakes, learn their own path and, whilst we’ll always have their back, we put ourselves as a bit more of a priority when they’re adults?

I don't think adults should be waited on hand and foot but I can drop in and see my mum anytime, same with my mother or father in law. We are welcome as the default. My dad remarried when I was in my early twenties and visits were always subject to it being convenient, which it frequently wasn't. And I get it, I really do, if you feel unwell or have plans you don't really want adults you don't really know hanging around. But my dad's was my home, almost as much as my mum's was, and then it wasn't because there were strict limits on when I could go. You only get turned down so many times before you stop asking so towards the end of his life I saw him maybe twice a year. We could go six months without speaking.

Essentially, I don't expect my parents to prioritise me over their own lives but I don't know anyone with together parents who wouldn't be welcome home at the drop of the hat. Saying no to your step kids is a big deal and ultimately its your DH who will lose his relationship with them.

I think the OP is getting a hard time. MY reading of it is that the OP will be expected to make dinner, clean for the two weeks so I that DH and his adult children get to hang around. When you are working FT sometimes the thought of extra work Is less than exciting and when the children are adults you do think when will this end. MY interpretation could be incorrect but if it is right then you have a dp problem as he should be cleaning/making dinner for his children if they refuse to do it

I will never understand why women get involved with men who have children.

I would hate to be a step-parent. It sounds awful. I wouldn’t have developed a relationship with a man with children.

So much baggage.

Sorry just read the bit where you don’t want then there full time for two weeks while their Mum is on holiday. I hope your partner stands up to you - that’s appaulling. Yes 18 and 20 make them legally adults but they are still young and so what if they want to be at their dad’s house for two week’s. Yes it’s your house too but it’s also his. No wonder you say you don’t have a bond with them after six years of being their step mum. I hope their dad sees things differently to you.

Totally agree with littletabbyocelot. I rarely see my dad because his house where he lives with his new wife and her parents isn’t somewhere that I am always welcome so I have stopped asking.

I would think they want to come because they cba to cook/clean/wash for themselves

I’m a little confused OP. On the broader question of whether adult SC come first, I’d agree with those saying that is very dependent on the situation (as with most family issues, TBH) but no, they don’t ALWAYS come first.

When it comes to the particular problem you outline, it doesn’t really make sense in the way you frame it. Your adult SC would like to stay with their dad (and you) for 2 weeks whilst their mum is away. You don’t want them to stay, though are happy for them to come for dinner whenever they want. I don’t really see the issue as surely their father’s home is also theirs, so they aren’t guests? though clearly this is also you’re home and you do have a say in what happens, it should also be clear that when you marry a man with children they do come as a family and all that comes with that. If they had been expecting you to cancel a holiday, that would be a different matter entirely- but they just want to come and stay for 2 weeks. Why are you against that? And what if your DH wants them to come and stay?

If your issue is that they make a mess, don’t tidy and expect their dinner made for them, then surely you address that problem with your SC and your DH? Fine to stay but you expect them to clear up after themselves and help out with chores/making dinner etc. No need to ban them staying more than their usual nights, just make sure the house rules are clear!

I hope your partner stands up to you - that’s appaulling

To expect young adults to pull their weight around the house?

No wonder you say you don’t have a bond with them after six years of being their step mum.

OP didn't say that. She said the bond/love was not the same as their Mum's. Gods if she had said she loved them just the same as their DM she would be crucified for not knowing her place as a step parent.

Take the "step" out of the title and look at it for what it really is. Young adults who expect older family members to work full time and wait on them. I'm struggling to see what is right or good about that and I'd be horrified if any of my children treated people like that - blood or no blood.

I can't believe so strongly a SM !

What? Living with their parent for a fortnight is dependent on them cooking for dad and his partner?
I've heard it all now
No it's dependent on them acting like adults they now are. That means that usually, the adult who gets to stay home all day is the one who does more of the inevitable chores.

Personally, I'd be questioning why they are doing some sort of working activity during the long summer anyway.

I guess from my perspective, it's nothing to do with being a SP, I wouldn't have my adult kids doing nothing at all during the holidays and taking over the home, so can totally understand how worse it must feel for a SM.

No it's dependent on them acting like adults they now are. That means that usually, the adult who gets to stay home all day is the one who does more of the inevitable chores.

Swing is completely right. Expecting meals made for them is expecting to be treated like guests. If they consider OP’s their equal second home they muck in like residents.

My DD is home from Uni. Her being home is not dependent on cooking for the rest of the family.

I equally don't feel obligated to cook for her at her age.

My question is, what exactly can't you do as a result of her being there? Because I can do anything I want with my DD being home.

In the scenario you are talking about i would have them stay for 2 weeks but not change my plans.
So if i was going to be out then i would still go out.
That's what I would do.
They stay because they're living with dad. Family meals are when family meals are. They either join family meals or they sort themselves out.
They muck in because that's what you do at home.
OP and DH work as they would, keep whatever evening plans they have just as you would if you had children living with you full time.

But no way should them staying be dependent on them cooking for OP and her partner. That's weird.

I don't recall my mum not being able to work, see friends, chill out etc when me and my siblings were back from uni. Then again she didn't see our very existence in the house as ruining her routine.

AnneLovesGilbert
It's not about expecting all their meals prepared. It's the fact it's odd to say to someones children you can only stay with us as long as you either cook for us because you're at home or you sort your own meals out. Presumably the OP and DH eat on an evening? Why can't his kids have the same meal? Some on here seem to think they should cook themselves separate meals because they're 18+. And even if they did that I would imagine the OP would be back later talking about how she's a prisoner in her own home because the step children are using the kitchen at meal times and she should be able to cook in peace without them in her way.

There doesn't need to be drama. They're his kids, they stay with dad, they muck in, life goes on as normal.

There doesn't need to be drama. They're his kids, they stay with dad, they muck in, life goes on as normal

Exactly!

SandyY2K
There's literally zero issue unless (as the OP Has already told us) you just don't want to have his kids in the house.

They're 18 and 20. OP has been with DP for a while. If the kids don't muck in at their house them in afraid that's because OP and DP have enabled it for years. That's theirs to address, not celebrate that now they're 18 they can be deemed lazy for not working in the summer holiday and should look after themselves.

I don’t see the problem with them staying with you for 2 weeks.

It’s not like you have to take days off work. Just do your normal thing.

As I said I work full time as does DH. Neither of them work, so they’ll be in the house all day, they don’t help at all and will expect dinner on the table each night
I think you are overthinking this. I have similarly aged DC and I think you will find they go out, order in, cook meals etc. themselves. On the nights they don’t, I would imagine your DH would love the opportunity to take them for a curry or a cheeky Nando’s or even bake them a family favourite supper to remind them of being little. I would imagine you can get as involved in these events as you want...

At 18 I still lived at home, at 20 I came home during the holidays. But I mostly made my own meals, did my own laundry and ran the hoover round occasionally. I also paid board money to my mum to cover my expenses. She still went to work and to her hobbies etc, she didn’t stay home on my account.

Neither of them work, so they’ll be in the house all day, they don’t help at all and will expect dinner on the table each night
This is the problem. You shouldn’t be expected to feed two additional adults for free, cook and clean up after them. They’re old enough to pull their weight. If they want to be waited on then let their father do it.

Op : AIBU

99% of Mumsnet : Yes

Op : Oh bore off

Hmm, okay then, why ask?

They are HIS CHILDREN. They will always be his children, even when they are 40 and you are old. Always And there will be Grandchildren, and expectations to babysit for them, and everything else that having a family entails. If you don't like that, you should have married someone who didn't have children.

You talk about them like they're 30. They are 18 and 20 : barely out of school, ffs.

It's abundantly clear that you don't want them to live with you. They will have picked up on this.It's not nice for them, at all.

You absolutely should not tell them they can't stay for the 2 weeks. However, I would ask them to cook dinner for the days you are working. although I suspect you'd want them to shop and pay for it or something bizarre

*not nice

And I say this, as someone who has adult children of 20 & 22, both at Uni, who come here in the holidays. My DH is their step dad, and if he dared to tell me when they could stay, he'd be out on his arse.

They split their time between here, their partners parents etc. All I ask is how many are here for dinner, which I often cook, but they also take a turn. Boyfriends and Girlfriends are also welcome to stay. We eat together, enjoy some wine, then chat or play games. It's fantastic and I hate it when they go back to Uni.

My adult DSC always come first. Which is why I'm on my own every weekend as DH is always staying with them doing chores or ferrying them around everywhere, and why I haven't been on holiday with DH for years because he always chooses to take them away without me. It sucks, and I'm leaving.

What I’m asking is if a situation is balanced, if the child wants to come and stay when we have plans to do something else, should we drop what we’re doing to accommodate that?

Depending on the reason why the child wants to come it may be appropriate to drop you plans - that is parenting.

In terms of the younger one coming to yours - they're 18, only just became an adult. Still likely to be transitioning to full adulthood. Also not really needing a lot of care at home so yes in short, I think you're being really unreasonable and not respecting your husband's parenting role.

Huskylover1
Probably would expect the SC to pay for the food they're cooking her tea with because it's their fault they don't have jobs during the university holidays (having had student loans) and the 18 year old 2 weeks into their final summer holiday should be bloody grateful they have a roof over their head, some of us were working 64 hour days for less than minimum wage so DSD is so entitled and mollycoddled.

I'm also a bit shocked at charging them to stay for 2 weeks as well. I paid my parents board once I was working but they're in or have just left full time education!

I repeat for the hard of reading, I have never said they can’t stay!

We don’t and have never charged them anything. Their mother does but that will be ok because she’s their real mum.

Lots of people at Uni and those just finishing a levels have jobs.

And finally thanks for yet another one of the usual step mother jibes from @Huskylover1
Don’t you get bored writing the same things that countless other step mother haters trounce out time after time.

How funny, the fact they can’t/won’t look after themselves is my fault for not instilling a work type ethic into them. I can just imagine the responses to a post asking if I should do that day 5 years ago!! I’d be called interfering/none of your business/ you’re not their parent butt out! Step mums cannot win on here.