Should adult step children always come first?

[PeacockSunday]

I’ve changed my name as my friend may be on MN and this could be outing.

Went out for lunch with friends yesterday. We’ve all been friends for years and get on really well. My friend has two children, boy and girl, almost identical ages to my step children, one 20, one 18. One at Uni, one not. She’s been a SAHM since they were born. I met DH six years ago, don’t have my own children and have always worked full time. (I met friend before she had children when we worked together).

Clearly we have very different lives but are both very happy in our choices.

My AIBU is surrounding the children. Step
Parenting is hard work at times, they’re not biologically mine and the bond isn’t there. We get on well and have no big issues, but I don’t love them like she loves her kids.

We were talking about the future and our lives when the kids have fully flown the nest, she said that of course the children should always come first. I disagree, I’m not saying they should come second, but why would an adult step child’s needs or wants come before the needs or wants of my husband and I. Should they not be allowed to make their own mistakes, learn their own path and, whilst we’ll always have their back, we put ourselves as a bit more of a priority when they’re adults?

Of course they should come for two weeks, but you can carry on doing whatever you planned to do, a balance - you don't need to stay home and babysit. I go out and leave my two

@LolaSmiles
Exactly! They’re in FT education so summer holidays is usual time for a couple week or longer stay at their family home(s).
I also picked up on the OPs bias as well. It’s sad.

OP I get you ...They dont need to be babysat for two weeks because their mother is out of town. If they can drive then they can honour your schedule if they wish but at their age I wouldnt expect that they should be abiding by a visitation schedule anyway. Surely that falls away at some age?

This is interesting.

DH and I have 3DC. He has a step mum who he actually grew up with and a biological mum, who he saw at weekends.

Bio Mum is an amazing gran. She will drop anything to come to us even though it is a long drive and a flight away. She knows we have busy lives and always works around us.

Step mum (along with Bio Dad) will tell us when they are free to visit, for example, one weekend in the whole summer because they (as retired people) are so busy the rest of the time...never mind that that one weekend might be the worst for us and all three DC.

If we go to visit Bio Mum she will do everything she can to make us comfortable at her house, even to her own detriment. Step Mum will make us welcome but has also let us know when it’s inconvenient and suggested we rent somewhere instead.

I know my DC will always come first, though sometimes that will mean learning their own life lessons.

How does your dh feel about his young adult children wanting to spend a fortnight with him? At an age when a lot of children rarely want to spend time with their parents I would be glad mine wanted to stay.

As for them being lazy and not doing anything around the house, you both should have taught them better when they were growing up.

It might not be practical for your SC to remain at home while their mother is away if they have limited funds to buy food etc.

Young adults of 18 and 20 are capable of doing their own thing, including cooking and cleaning. OP let them get on with it and try not to stress.

I don't think this difference in opinion between you and your friend is anything to do with step DC vs biological DC. Besides, if it was, they are your DH's biological children so it would be a moot point because he would always put them first anyway, so you as his partner you wouldn't have much choice (short of leaving him).

I agree that adult children don't always have to come first. I think sacrifices should still be made sometimes. For example, say you always wanted to move to Italy and you finally got the chance. You live there for no reason other than you quite like it. But then your 30yr old DC contracts some sort of terrible terminal illness and loses their job, can't do much for themselves and really can't look after the children properly. I think it would be good parenting to move back home and help out, if possible. These are the sort of extremes I mean - where it's really tough times for your DC and the thing you are giving up isn't essential to you.

Sorry for using such a horrible example Just trying to illustrate my point lol

Neither of them work, so they’ll be in the house all day, they don’t help at all and will expect dinner on the table each night

At 18 and 20?

Whether they are your step children or birth children isn't the issue - at 18 and 20 they should be mucking in and doing their share of family tasks around the house.

If you are both working and they are at home there is no reason why they can't cook for you both in the evenings.

Probably controversially (on here anyway) but I don’t think any children should come first. A family is the sum of its parts and I don’t think it can function properly unless everyone’s needs are met.

I absolutely agree with this. Family life is about doing the best for everyone. That includes allowing your husband to be a good father and support his children. They are barely into adulthood and I’m sure they could survive but how much nicer to be welcomed as part of their father’s family. They still want support, guidance, kindness, a sense of belonging and being welcome, as I’m sure you do sometimes.

You sound a bit like one of the people in Cinderella and it’s not the heroine. It’s two weeks. Just two weeks. Being step children makes no difference at all. They are young people who want to be part of the family not feel pushed away.

Enjoy their company. Do lovely girlie things. Watch a chick flick film at the cinema, have a spa day at the weekend, bake together, whatever. Do it for yourself as much as them. You would undoubtedly benefit from a more loving relationship with them, when you get excited about them arriving and want to make sure they have fluffy towels and their favourite foods. It’s nice to do things for others who maybe are feeling a bit awkward or not really integrated. Use the opportunity stepchildren give you.

My husband has always found the girls having boyfriends a bit challenging. He’s very paternalistic by nature and has had to work at allowing them to grow up. He likes solving their every problem and they use this to to It’s full advantage. He recognises this and has made a real effort to do man things with our future son in law (who has an absent father). This has built a whole new lot of pleasure in my husband’s life. Future son in law adores him and seeks his advice, they go for a beer and chat whilst I get time with my daughter cooking supper, they walk the dog together and my husband disappears to help sort out their garden or decorate whilst I shop for their house with my daughter. They have become very close; it’s nice. Try it.

YABU not to be ok with them staying. Especially you are both working full time, it isn’t fair for them to be expected to be waited on hand and foot. Time to address that.

As for neither working, do they or have they worked at all - weekend / evening jobs or the eldest during term time? I know it is harder to find work than when I was at school / university. But if they’ve never worked or at least tried to find employment, I could understand why that would perhaps irk you.

18 & 20 I’m quite surprised at that age that they want to come & stay rather then have the house to themselves

If they don’t lift a finger while they’re at yours then I’m not surprised you’re quite resentful & don’t want them there, however you and DH have allowed that to happen for 6 years, so you’ve only got yourselves to blame

More importantly, you’d be told to get to fuck, if you thought you could dictate how long my children could stay in my home for (even if it is your home too)

It’s not about them ‘coming first’ its About my home, being their home ALL their life, not until they turn 18.

I left home at 17, but I knew I could go ‘home’ anytime I wanted to. I’m late 50’s now and after my Dad died my mum sold the family home & downsized snd whilst it doesn’t feel like my home, I know my mum considers it so and would welcome me anytime - in fact she’s be thrilled (me less so).

I know you’re their SM not their Mum, but my ‘Godchildren’ also know my home is their home anytime too. My eldest ‘GC’ frequently comes to stay & lives with us for several months between adventures/jobs and she’s 30 next year (but having a fabulous time travelling around Europe doing different jobs etc) her sister and her DD will probably live with us for 3 months next year & the others come to visit/stay as and when they want, but the older ones (over 15) all know there are nights they’ll have to fend for themselves wrt dinner etc & they’re all cape able if using the washing machine ( though apparently not the hoover 🤣 etc, but I’m fine with that)

So yes YADBU in not wanting your husbands children to stay in his home (yes it’s jointly owned, but it’s still his home, where he lives).

He has a step mum who he actually grew up with and a biological mum, who he saw at weekends.

You mean a step mum and a mum?

have a spa day at the weekend

Ah yes, the MN solution to every woman's problems.

A better option for both sides would be to expect young adults to start young adulting.

One of them is at university - presumably she manages to wear clean clothes and eat somehow without a parent helicoptering in.

C8H10N4O2. I’m not sure anyone suggested a spa day as cure all, so snide comments are unnecessary. The suggestion is the poster starts behaving more positively towards the stepchildren and that they might benefit from that.
Expectations around contributing to the household chores and having a nice time together aren’t mutually exclusive, are they?

I think the issue is a tricky dynamic where that gradual changing relationship between parent/child hasn’t happened. By which I mean the adult kids are ? coming round for two weeks to be helicoptered and fed and cleared-up-after daily, for two weeks by parent/step-parents who are working FT, when they are perfectly capable of doing it themselves. If they had jobs by now it would make it easier (the dc would have learned that they are responsible day-to-day for some of their own stuff).

Similar happens here with my DP (18 year old recently shown how to run a bath - DP drops everything to make the kids a sandwich for lunch).

I am not comfortable with it either. Nothing to do with being unwelcoming or wanting them ‘off your hands’ - just a bit - well - not brilliant. Where’s the gradual transition to adulthood?

I wonder whether it’s normally mums who push for independence from their dc and perhaps dads (especially non resident) really struggle to parent that way?

I’m with you OP. I hope you have a productive chat with your DH about what’s reasonable now they are older. Hope it goes well.

Why on earth did you marry someone with kids, if you weren't prepared to be a decent Step Mum? Poor buggers, treated like an annoyance in their Dad's home. Who made you in charge of when they can and can't stay in what should be their other home?

They will be his children FOREVER

Given that 50% of marriages fail, you on the the hand, might not be his wife a few years from now.

There is no way I'd allow my DH to treat my children like an inconvenience.

Do they even have their own bedrooms at their Dad's?

sigh

One of them is at university - presumably she manages to wear clean clothes and eat somehow without a parent helicoptering in.
Many students go to university and still have a place in family life. How sad for a young adult to be in a position where their very existence in family home is equated with mollycoddling and helicopter parenting.

The kids want to live with their dad for a fortnight when their mum is a way. They aren't asking for everyone to worship them like royalty.

My in laws treat me more like family than the OP treats her step children. I can't help but think she's married a man with teens/pre teens and couldn't wait for them to hit 18 so she's done her bit and they become house guest visitors rather than children who are part of the family.

I don't always put my DD first now she is a teen.It is give and take.
Her 'needs',are met .Her unreasonable wants have reduced as she now considers things more critically.
I would be there if needed or a crisis but when she leaves home would check that she wantede there.
In a few years when she goes to uni she will always have her key for the house but will have to take it as she finds it.

@Huskylover1 oh do bore off with your MN step mum hating phrases. Yes they have their own bedrooms in OUR home! Can I remind you they are both adults, not poor little children.

OP
nobody is hating on step parents on this thread. It happens on MN quite a bit but this is not one of them.

People are rightly taking an issue with your quite horrible attitude towards your step children. That's not a step parent issue. It's a your attitude issue.

This thread has taken a nasty turn. It appears my original stance of querying why these adult children need to be mollycoddled and wrapped in cotton wool, whilst still ensuring they have as much contact with us as normal, plus extra is now seen as me being the worst step mum ever who is neglecting and punishing her poor little step babies.

Have you thought that they may want to use the time to spend with their DAD, and their DAD may want to spend time with them? You may be a step-mother, but your husband is a FATHER. Your love and wanting to see them, is totally different because you are not a mother.

Ds19 has always been 50:50 with me and my ex. If his dad goes on holiday the first thing I text is ‘are you staying with me for the two weeks so I know when I do the food shop?’, likewise his dad asks the same. Why? Because as parents we are taking every last opportunity we have to spend with ds like this, before he graduates, gets a job, and is gone.

It might not be practical for your SC to remain at home while their mother is away if they have limited funds to buy food etc.

That’s for their mum to sort as she’s the one who’s going away.

At 18 I was travelling the world, on my own which required funding and preparing my own food and keeping myself and my clothes clean.

My DSD is 10, can make a basic meal, put dirty clothes in the machine and offers and makes hot drinks when she fancies one. Two grown adults expecting dinner on the table and apparently being unable to stay in a house together without another grown up to wait on them is an indictment of both their parents but it’s a bit late now...

The relationship between children and their parents does and should change as they reach adulthood. Visits, yes lovely and right. Organised contact time because they can’t be trusted alone is something else and a bit concerning.

Why is it ‘OUR’ house and not ‘THIER’ house too? Because my ds has two homes.

Trap neuter release is not anthropomorphising anything. It's a practical and humane way to control feral cat populations and reduce suffering.