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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should adult step children always come first?

208 replies

PeacockSunday · 03/08/2019 07:47

I’ve changed my name as my friend may be on MN and this could be outing.

Went out for lunch with friends yesterday. We’ve all been friends for years and get on really well. My friend has two children, boy and girl, almost identical ages to my step children, one 20, one 18. One at Uni, one not. She’s been a SAHM since they were born. I met DH six years ago, don’t have my own children and have always worked full time. (I met friend before she had children when we worked together).

Clearly we have very different lives but are both very happy in our choices.

My AIBU is surrounding the children. Step
Parenting is hard work at times, they’re not biologically mine and the bond isn’t there. We get on well and have no big issues, but I don’t love them like she loves her kids.

We were talking about the future and our lives when the kids have fully flown the nest, she said that of course the children should always come first. I disagree, I’m not saying they should come second, but why would an adult step child’s needs or wants come before the needs or wants of my husband and I. Should they not be allowed to make their own mistakes, learn their own path and, whilst we’ll always have their back, we put ourselves as a bit more of a priority when they’re adults?

OP posts:
LL83 · 03/08/2019 08:37

Needs come before wants.

Step child needs help with something v wife wants to go out for lunch then child first. And vice versa, same for friends and other family.

I suppose if they both needed me equally at the exact same time then children would come first but this is not a likely scenario.

SimplySteveRedux · 03/08/2019 08:38

I have a DSS and a DD. I love them the same. I couldn't love DSS more if I had biologically fathered him. Although I have been in his life since he was 1.

Original poster
PeacockSunday · 03/08/2019 08:38

@Wishihad it’s not their father’s house, it’s OUR house and I have a say on what goes on in it.

5 nights out if 14 is almost half. I’m not exactly abandoning them.

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 03/08/2019 08:39

Have you actually asked them?
Do you two want to just want to pop over for meal sometimes and stay at mums while you have the house to yourself, so you can sleep till noon?
I will text you if we are going out in the evenings so you don't find an empty house.
If they do come over just ask, are you staying or do you want a lift home?
Treat them like adults, they will like it.

PooWillyBumBum · 03/08/2019 08:39

I agree with you, OP. I don’t have step children, but we were thinking of moving to France this year and DD (11) was horrified at upheaval so we’ve decided to stay another 7 years. After which, we will be out of here. If she’s not at uni she will be expected to get a job. If she can’t fend for herself she will have to come with us!

In return, I don’t expect her to move to be close to us when we are elderly (although I had her so young we will be elderly at more or less the same time).

Wishihad · 03/08/2019 08:44

it’s not their father’s house, it’s OUR house and I have a say on what goes on in it

So it's also his house? Meaning you cant ban the kids from the house if he says yes.

If you really must, put your foot down, say they can not stay more than the allotted 5 days.

If my dp said that to me he would get told to fuck off. They are my children and if they wish to stay with me over the usual days, they are more than welcome in my home. Wether I share that home or not.

KUGA · 03/08/2019 08:45

My grown up children will always come first.
I gave birth to them and will be there when if ever they need me.
I also have a step D who, has Downs Syndrome,
She too is my top priorty along with my boys.

RandomMess · 03/08/2019 08:45

Surely what you do is ask the kids to make dinner...

Get the ingredients in and leave the recipe book out!

My older teen would want the house to herself but also doesn't like being on her own overnight in the house Confused

LL83 · 03/08/2019 08:46

I think it is unusual they would want to come for two weeks, but I wouldn't stop them.

jalpie · 03/08/2019 08:47

You sound mean and unwelcoming ... you married someone that came as a package and in that position, embrace it or leave .. and it isn’t YOUR house, it is THEIR house!!

PurpleDaisies · 03/08/2019 08:49

What does their dad think?

PurpleDaisies · 03/08/2019 08:52

I agree, children don’t always come first, especially when it’s a case of wants vs needs. However, you just sound a bit unkind here. Saying no will damage your relationship with them.

You’re saying they’re here for almost half the time anyway, so why not just let them stay the other half? With ground rules everyone needs to agree to first.

HostofDaffodils · 03/08/2019 08:53

I think it's partly that as children grow up - whether step or otherwise (I have both) - expectations would change. I think it's sometimes the female parent/step-parent who drives the change.

So I might say to my partner, ':Look we're both busy. I don't think it's reasonable that when we get in we rush round tidying up after X and Y, cook them dinner and then do the washing up. I reckon that this summer, we live them a bit of money for buying food and during the week they sort it so we come home to a clean kitchen and supper in the oven. They keep their rooms tidy and put their laundry in the basket. In return for them doing that, we spend sometime at the weekends doing stuff they enjoy. We talk to them about our expectations and if they would much rather slob around and live off takeaways and only (perhaps) do a clean up at the end of the fortnight, then it's not going to work.'

With the children of separated parents one might add. 'If this doesn't work for them then they stay at their mother's doing exactly what they want, and just come over for the odd visit in the usual way.'

Greeve · 03/08/2019 08:55

I think you assumed their kids were a 18 year deal and he'd be child free by now

Original poster
PeacockSunday · 03/08/2019 08:55

@Wishihad please would you point out where I said I’m banning them?

If mean and unwelcoming is telling them they’re welcome over at anytime then I’m guilty. It’s not their house, if they were 5 maybe, but they don’t even see it as theirs, they say we’re going to dad and peacocks tonight!

Step mum haters didn’t take long did they? And no I wasn’t the OW.

OP posts:
MrsDimmond · 03/08/2019 08:56

Great post FinallyHere

Yestermo · 03/08/2019 08:56

I have both step and my own children. I very much feel as adults they will all be as equally important. But additionally my wants and needs will also be as important. I will leave all of them the space to fuck up bit offer support and guidance sometimes.

LizzieSiddal · 03/08/2019 08:56

They are 18 and 20, still dependent on their parents, so you are being very very unreasonable.

Why shouldn’t they live with their dad for two weeks? just because you wouldn’t have done that at their age, doesn’t mean everyone is the same.

Mine are 25 and 28 and yes we would put our plans first if they decided they were coming back to stay for a weekend. However when they were 18 and 20 they would still come first. At that age they didn’t have other homes so would have nowhere else to go!

Original poster
PeacockSunday · 03/08/2019 08:57

@HostofDaffodils thank you, that’s a really good suggestion, I’m going to try that.

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 03/08/2019 08:57

It’s not their house

I think that’s an unkind mindset. They have two homes, they’re from a split family.

LizzieSiddal · 03/08/2019 08:58

And why do you cook for them every night?

If you expect them to live on their own for two weeks, surely they can cook?

Enko · 03/08/2019 08:59

What I’m asking is if a situation is balanced, if the child wants to come and stay when we have plans to do something else, should we drop what we’re doing to accommodate that?

Also situation dependent.

1 I cant be fussed to cook and want to come over tonight.." sorry we have plans"

2 I have just been fired from my work my anxiety is through the roof and I feel awful may I come and stay please "yes off course"

I have 4 children between 15 and 21.. Sometimes they come first. Sometimes dh and I come first.. it is however ALWAYS situation dependent.

I don't think they always come first. However they are my children and they are always first in my list of priorities for mental needs and support. (as is DH don't get me wrong he is not 2nd best)

Purplejay · 03/08/2019 09:01

They are your Husbands children. His home should be their home until they reach independence. You seems to treat them like visitors and not his children which makes me a little bit sad for them (adult or not).

This isn’t really about putting adult children’s needs before yours. If it is that you just don’t want them in the house for 2 weeks then yes, their needs come first.

As for expecting meals, not tidying up or such like, you can do something about that. Talk to them/your husband and parent them. Ask them to cook tea/wash up/help!

MrsDimmond · 03/08/2019 09:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

madcatladyforever · 03/08/2019 09:04

I love my son dearly and in an emergency situations he always comes first but I let him live his own life and he understands that day to day my needs come first as I have health problems and work full time.
If people are put first all the time they will grow up to be selfish and self absorbed. So no the children don't always come first.