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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should adult step children always come first?

208 replies

PeacockSunday · 03/08/2019 07:47

I’ve changed my name as my friend may be on MN and this could be outing.

Went out for lunch with friends yesterday. We’ve all been friends for years and get on really well. My friend has two children, boy and girl, almost identical ages to my step children, one 20, one 18. One at Uni, one not. She’s been a SAHM since they were born. I met DH six years ago, don’t have my own children and have always worked full time. (I met friend before she had children when we worked together).

Clearly we have very different lives but are both very happy in our choices.

My AIBU is surrounding the children. Step
Parenting is hard work at times, they’re not biologically mine and the bond isn’t there. We get on well and have no big issues, but I don’t love them like she loves her kids.

We were talking about the future and our lives when the kids have fully flown the nest, she said that of course the children should always come first. I disagree, I’m not saying they should come second, but why would an adult step child’s needs or wants come before the needs or wants of my husband and I. Should they not be allowed to make their own mistakes, learn their own path and, whilst we’ll always have their back, we put ourselves as a bit more of a priority when they’re adults?

OP posts:
AngelasAshes · 03/08/2019 09:05

OP you’ve said repeatedly “they are welcome anytime FOR DINNER” and that you do not want them there beyond the 5 in 14 usual nights. You’ve also implied that you and DH will not take any time off work to spend even a single day with them. (Surely if DH takes time off it is his decision, not yours).
I would also call that unwelcoming

Original poster
PeacockSunday · 03/08/2019 09:05

@mrsdimmond I think you need to read @PooWillyBumBum’s post again! I think she’s the mum not the step mum!!

OP posts:
Original poster
PeacockSunday · 03/08/2019 09:07

I have not said anything about taking time off work??

However, If adults if 18 and 20 need childcare and need parents to take time off work to look after them then this generation could well be in trouble.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeacockSunday · 03/08/2019 09:08

DH’s annual leave is up to him, I would not dictate. We agree on joint holidays but otherwise he chooses what days off he has, I’m not his keeper!!

OP posts:
HoppingPavlova · 03/08/2019 09:09

I disagree, I’m not saying they should come second, but why would an adult step child’s needs or wants come before the needs or wants of my husband and I.

I understand that from your perspective but would be surprised if your DH agreed. I would think as the biological parent he would be wired to put them before himself (and you). That’s just the way we are wired as humans I think.

My kids range from adults to older teen and they definitely still come before DH and I and I just can’t see how that would change, it would seem abnormal.

MonChatEstMagnifique · 03/08/2019 09:09

You met your partner 6 years ago, so when his children were 12 and 14. Did you live with him before they were adults? If so, surely your home, is their home too, along with their mums home. They haven't moved out, therefore they live with their parents, and because their parents live separately, they have 2 homes.

MrsDimmond · 03/08/2019 09:10

Oh god sorry!!! Apologies all especially @PooWillyBumBum Sat 03-Aug

DisplayPurposesOnly · 03/08/2019 09:12

I think you are being v unreasonable to not want them to stay for two weeks.

But very reasonable to point out to them that they will live as family not guests, so will be expected to muck in with and not be waited on.

And I really don't understand why your first thought was to resist them staying, when your actual objection can be addressed quite simply. Why did it need someone else to explain it to you??

Beautiful3 · 03/08/2019 09:12

Maybe encourage some independence. Give them a small shopping list to fetch from the local shop. Ask them to decide which evening they'd like to cook dinner each. Also show them how to use the washing machine and ask them to strip down the beds and wash the sheets. Give them more responsibilities and equip them for adulthood.

MerdedeBrexit · 03/08/2019 09:12

Now I understand why step-mothers take a beating on MN Grin
Agree that this is their father's house as well as yours and you should not object to them coming to stay for a fortnight, but you should tell them there are rules, which are that you expect to come home every evening after work to a tidy house and kitchen and a delicious dinner for all of you on the set table! You may well find they decide staying at their mother's house is a better option!

Teateaandmoretea · 03/08/2019 09:12

Probably controversially (on here anyway) but I don’t think any children should come first. A family is the sum of its parts and I don’t think it can function properly unless everyone’s needs are met.

I agree with this, but then if I was short of food I'd feed them and go hungry myself. It's more about balancing wants and I think that should be done fairly and that children have no more entitlement in the family than anyone else.

I guess it may depend on your resources though, at least in part.

AngelasAshes · 03/08/2019 09:14

You did imply not taking time of work because you said you and DH both work FT and what would kids do in an empty house all day. Most parents of adult children still take days off work to spend time with them during a visit. Not for “childcare” FGS.
To go see a few sights, like a museum or botantical gardens, maybe go camping a few days, have a lunch out & catch up. The usual things adult relatives do when they visit each other.

LolaSmiles · 03/08/2019 09:16

it’s not their father’s house, it’s OUR house and I have a say on what goes on in it
What a horrible attitude.
They're wanting to stay at their father's house whilst their mum is away.
They are hardly into adulthood and aren't living independently yet.
They aren't asking for their backsides wiping or you to drop your whole world around them and yet you feel you can veto when he sees his kids.

Step mum haters didn’t take long did they
Don't be disingenuous and try that one.
Nobody is hating on step mums on this thread. They are challenging your attitude to his children.
I'm often one of the first to defend step mums when the usual MN hating on step mums happens but this thread isn't one of them. You actually think that you should be able to dictate when he sees his kids because you don't want them there. That's horrible.

Wishihad · 03/08/2019 09:16

@MrsDimmond that poster isnt a SM. That's her own child she is talking about.

Not that the 'once you you turn 18 you are on your own' attitude sits any better with me, tbh

Lweji · 03/08/2019 09:17

I'd say they consider it and should consider it their house.
Of course they don't say it like that because they have two homes (hopefully).

It should be good that they want to spend time with their father. Why not? And it's odd that you consider them visitors, even though they spend about 1/3 of the time there. (Half would be 7, and 5*3=15, so 1/3 is closest)

I'd say the issue is that they don't help at home. It could be because they're lazy or because they aren't made to feel at home.
Have you both asked them to sort out dinner or do some cleaning in the holidays?

What would you think if they decided to start spending 2/3 of the time at their father's?

Finally, I don't think this is a matter of adult children coming first.
It's about you considering step childten who still live at home as "visitors".

AngelasAshes · 03/08/2019 09:18

She’s not taking a beating because she’s a step mother but because she is being unreasonable about her DHs kids visiting during summer holidays.

CanILeavenowplease · 03/08/2019 09:19

I am 48 and my mum recently died following a couple of years living with dementia. Up until that point, I always knew that no matter what, her home was my home and that I would always be welcome to return. She was always on the end of the phone if I wanted to chat and helped me financially when I divorced. My children will always be my children even when they are grown up with families of their own and I believe for the most part, I would move heaven and earth to be there for them. I feel desperately sad that there are people out there who don’t have that security and even sadder that there are parents who choose their relationship over their children.

All that said, of course there are circumstances in which I will come first. Of course I have the capacity to not continue to support a lazy, good for nothing 25 year old who won’t get off his Xbox. Of course I will pick me time and friendship time and relationship time over sometimes seeing a healthy adult child living a perfectly average life. Sometimes I will make selfish decisions to put myself first and risk upsetting adult children but none of that means when the chips were down, my children wouldn’t be my priority. What I hope I never do is marry someone who wouldn’t welcome them into our home in all the usual circumstances or who makes them feel they have to ask to visit or anything else that gives them nothing other than ‘same as the next person’ status. They are my family and will always be a priority in my life.

SuzieQ10 · 03/08/2019 09:19

Agree with pp..

You sound mean and unwelcoming ... you married someone that came as a package and in that position, embrace it or leave ..

Your partner is the father of these children / young adults. They are a family. It's not up to you how involved he is in their (adult) lives. Hopefully he cares a lot more about them than you seem to. I think you are an example of why stepmothers get a bad name tbh.

Isatis · 03/08/2019 09:21

Neither of them work, so they’ll be in the house all day, they don’t help at all and will expect dinner on the table each night.

Well, now is the time to address that and make it clear that they are expected to do their fair share in the house.

Ivestoppedreadingthenews · 03/08/2019 09:21

I think their needs should come first, but not their wants. Adult children might need your support at certain times but they don’t need you as often as young children and so naturally you’re able to be less restricted by them. It should I think be a gradual process as opposed to a binary child:adult approach.

Alsohuman · 03/08/2019 09:23

As a stepmum, I’m quite surprised by this. My stepkids know they’re welcome here any time and can stay as long as they like.

Fundays12 · 03/08/2019 09:25

I don’t think adult kids always need to come first. I actually think it’s hugely detrimental to them to do this long term as it means they never learn to stand on there own 2 feet. My mum doesn’t put me or my step siblings first as we are all adults but she is there for us so we have a healthy adult relationship.

LolaSmiles · 03/08/2019 09:28

Neither of them work, so they’ll be in the house all day, they don’t help at all and will expect dinner on the table each night.
I was thinking about this and think it's a bit of a selective representation.

18 years old is the end of y13 so between school/college and university or work. I wouldn't be expecting an 18 year old to be working a fortnight into their final summer holidays.

20 year old is at university so is on their summer holidays. I wouldn't automatically be expecting them to have a job at home in their university summer holidays either.

The fact they don't have jobs is irrelevant for their situation and was probably only included so the OP could try to steer the conversation to focus on how lazy the SC are.

I don't think it matters that they'd get fed tea every night either because surely the parent(s) are cooking a family meal (unless the OP thinks that her and DH should cook for themselves and the SC sort themselves out).

Which leaves us with they don't help out enough around the house. So their dad can just outline what's expected.

There's a lot of effort here to point out how terribly disruptive the SC will be to the OP's routine but actually it's nothing terrible at all

HattieHu · 03/08/2019 09:29

It reads like you couldn't wait for them to become young adults and are struggling to find that even at 18, they would still want to hang around Grin

I say let them come but tell them to sort meals etc. Don't cancel your other plans either but do be available for some evenings (maybe not you but hopefully their dad)

stucknoue · 03/08/2019 09:32

For your dh his kids should come first when it matters. As your children age the priorities change, mine are that age and I wouldn't stop my own plans to go out because one needs a lift but if they were in trouble I would drop everything and I certainly put their welfare & feelings above my own.