Should adult step children always come first?

[PeacockSunday]

I’ve changed my name as my friend may be on MN and this could be outing.

Went out for lunch with friends yesterday. We’ve all been friends for years and get on really well. My friend has two children, boy and girl, almost identical ages to my step children, one 20, one 18. One at Uni, one not. She’s been a SAHM since they were born. I met DH six years ago, don’t have my own children and have always worked full time. (I met friend before she had children when we worked together).

Clearly we have very different lives but are both very happy in our choices.

My AIBU is surrounding the children. Step
Parenting is hard work at times, they’re not biologically mine and the bond isn’t there. We get on well and have no big issues, but I don’t love them like she loves her kids.

We were talking about the future and our lives when the kids have fully flown the nest, she said that of course the children should always come first. I disagree, I’m not saying they should come second, but why would an adult step child’s needs or wants come before the needs or wants of my husband and I. Should they not be allowed to make their own mistakes, learn their own path and, whilst we’ll always have their back, we put ourselves as a bit more of a priority when they’re adults?

So at one point in the thread (scrolled back to double check) when people were discussing Baird and a hypothetical meal came up I'd got some posts scrambled. For that I'll apologise.

The rest still stands:
It's yours and your DH house so you get a say in who stays there
You've made it clear that it's not their house
You only want them there for the 5 days they'd normally come
You'll have them for dinner a few times but that's it because they're old enough to sort themselves out
You think they should sort themselves out the rest of the time because having them around will ruin your routine and plans (even though countless posters can't see how given they'd be living in the same house and that doesn't prevent parents and step parents doing their thing)
You've complained about their lack of mucking in and then got short about how it's not your fault that you and DH haven't insisted on mucking in for the years they've been staying with you
They've either just left full time education at 18or are in full time education and rather than say they're home for summer, you took the approach of they don't even work, denied this was to rpwsent then negatively but then later came back and said they're work shy (again, there's 2 households these kids are in and their whole teenage years for the respective adults to address this)
When challenged you've decided repeatedly it's a war against step parents (depsite it being made very clear the issue is with your attitude towards them, not being a step parent).

It's exhausting. It's like when my friend was struggling and subsequently broke up with her ex earlier this year, our friendship didn't like his actions or attitude but rather than accept he may have something to learn or he was in the wrong on some things, he decided that any challenges to his attitude were because we all hate men. It couldn't possibly be that he contributed to the situation or was in any way unreasonable, we just all hated men (including the men!)

Ok so I think that until you actually have children of your own (you consider your own) you will not have a great handle on that feeling, (that is in no way meant in offence it's just what I believe and you said yourself the bond is not there ) So may be hard for you to understand that sort of fiercely protective until their 90years old sort of thing (or maybe that's just me)

You husband should be able to have his own children at the house for as long as he wants, I think it's great they actually want to stay with you, ( if ones at uni, probably wants a good feed as well ).
If they already have their own room at your house and the youngest stays 5 nights a week already, it's not a massive jump for a one of occasion for them to stay longer.

I personally will put my son (joint) first, as my priority until the day I die. I would never allow anyone to tell me my son is not welcome to stay for 14 nights in the place I call home. I would probably want to cancel my plans and spend 14 nights with him, before he went back off to uni if he didn't live with me.

So in my opinion, there is very, very, very little that would come before my son, no matter what his age.

There are two few stepmums on here and we take a beating for wanting fairness in our own homes.

What is it that you consider fairness?
It's his kids. They should never be treated as anything less than that. I'd say that's the fairest.

What does your husband want? I bet he's thrilled at the idea of two weeks with his kids.

I'm a step-mum to 2 adults and a bio mum to an 9-year-old - all girls. I love it when we are all together at home. Especially now the big girls are grown-up - they now help with all the chores and clean up and we have the best conversations over the washing up etc. I've always loved them but now we have the teen angst and moods out of the way I really like them all the time too. It's my 9-year-old who is starting early on the tween/teen moods who is the little terror!

know what you are saying Op.

Half the issue that “children” don’t really grow up in the same way especially middle class ones. They are still treated like children until they have houses of their own which after a gap year, Uni another year of finding a job could be most of their early 20’s.

They still expect to go on family holidays, go for meals out with parents, be entertained and looked after to a greater or lesser extent.

DP’s adult daughter (22) lives with him full time.We don’t live together because of my DC so we don’t see each alone much. She asked to come on holiday with us (U.K. so nothing groundbreaking) rather than have her house to herself or go to her mum’s. We said yes of course but both of us think it’s a bit odd she wouldn’t rather take advantage of the time without her dad at her age. My DC are coming but staying at family 10 miles away whilst we have rented a house, so effectively crashing out dirty week together. She is coming by train a few days after we arrive because of work. However she then said she could cancel work and come with us. I had to spell it out ( kindly ) why leaving things as they were was probably for the best. She wasn’t happy.

Obviously we will have a nice time together when she arrives but I can’t help thinking it’s because it’s a nice cheap holiday with no effort on her part , rather than organising her own friends and paying for her own holiday.maybe I’m being disingenuous.

@LolaSmiles thank goodness I don't know you. You really are insufferably smug and always right, even when proved to be a liar and entirely wrong. You know nothing about me, all of your assumptions are based on what, a couple of posts where you've read WRONGLY between the lines.

Try using actual facts, actual things I've said instead of your own selfish accusations and assumptions.

You wrote the thread. Stop blaming others.

I'm defending myself against the blatant lies being told my Lola!

My story is straight, I don't need to blame anyone for anything.

This is an incredibly destructive place to be for stepmothers. Bullying has no place in any place, including a forum like this.

This is an incredibly destructive place to be for stepmothers

Oh give over. You’re being told you’re unreasonable because of you not because you’re a stepmother.

Is there a reason you’re avoiding answering reasonable questions you’ve been asked?

I'm not all that bothered by being told I'm unreasonable, that's why I posted here. what I am bothered about is the lies that are being made up.

Could you explain exactly what I've said that is SOOOO unreasonable? Things I've actually said, rather than the bullshit made up by Lola?

What questions? I'll answer questions put to me.

The problem is @PeacockSunday, you are reading every single post as being addressed directly to you rather than as part of the organically developing discussion. You are then taking offence where it’s obvious none is intended. No one has called you a wicked stepmother. What people took exception to was your attitude towards them spending part of the holidays in their dad’s house like normal young adults.

I don't think it's the case that all Dads are happy for their children in late adolescence/young adulthood to have a kind of prolonged infancy.

My partner went to university. Although he stayed with his parents during university holidays, he worked during vacations. His parents couldn't afford to subsidise him.

Although my stepdaughter lived with us for a year post-university and my stepson did the same while he was having a housing problem, my husband expected them to do their share of housework.

He values having an ongoing and close relationship with his children but sees it as part of his job to nudge them forward from time to time as they continue to become responsible adults. This, in turn, has made my role as their stepmother a great deal easier.

What does my husband want, I bet he's thrilled at two weeks with his kids?

Well, as they're not exactly kids anymore, he would be happy with the usual contact. It wasn't his choice to separate from their mother when they were younger, but the split of parental responsibility and the best of both worlds scenario isn't something he complains about. He gets to spend time with his adult children when he wants to and gets time to do his own thing also.

Does he want them moving into our home for two solid weeks of teen TV, teen moodiness, wet towels left all over, arguing over mobiles at the dinner table, etc, probably not.

The problem I see here is that your expectations of the DSC's are way too low. I'd be expecting an 18 and 20 yo to contribute when staying. Clearing up after themselves, cooking occasionally, and anything else you'd like them to do. So really, it's not that they'd be staying for 2 weeks doing FA, it's that they expect you to wait on them hand and foot.

If they pulled their weight when they stayed, would it still be an issue if they wanted to come for the full 2 weeks?

If you worked full time, and on their 5 out of 14 night stay occasionally cooked for you and cleaned the kitchen, I bet you'd enjoy having them round more often. But that's a long term aim.

So for now, I'd say that they are welcome to pop over for a meal while their mum's away, but if they want to stay they have to pull their weight because you're too exhausted to have a full time job and sort all their shit out.

Thanks @Greeve and that's not a bullying unkind comment at all is it? You hope it splits us up? Wow!

I've been told repeatedly on here how they are still children at 18 and 20 and now you're telling me only one is a teen! DOUBLE STANDARDS.

Eddie - yes you're spot on, if they did pull their weight a little more, made a bit of an effort, didn't expect the hotel service then they would be a lot easier to have around.

I know this is a cliched question and one that no doubt will induce an exasperated sigh but why on earth did you marry a man with children if you plainly (on the evidence of this thread) can only manage them in severely limited circumstances and on your own terms?

Greeve I've reported you, as for starting to sound evil, you're the expert!

I married a man with children (exasperated sign) as I loved him and still do. His children are not a stone around my neck, I am actually fond of them. What I don't like is to be treated like a nanny/housemaid for two adults who should be more self-sufficient.

If I was a mother with the same exasperations, I would be patted on the back, not asked why I had children in the first place.

I do think older children/young adults need to have it spelled out. I sometimes lapse into thinking they will automatically intuit what is appropriate behaviour. Or they may behave in a responsible way in some situations but lapse into being infantile when they are home/in one of their homes.

Spelling out what is needed is the way forward!

The thing is when it comes to children, even as a step parent, you're in a relationship with a parent. No matter how old they get, they'll always be children in their parents eyes.

I know adults of all ages who live with their parents, it's not guaranteed that they'll vacate your lives and have their own independent lives, say on leaving University for example.

Generally there is a hierarchy of sorts when it comes to children, depending on their personalities etc. So you could have a child that lingers, you could have one that rarely asks for help, then in between.

If you imagine in a medical emergency, if they don't have a partner, then it's likely a parent will be next of kin. So at all ages they might call upon their parents for help.

It's something you need to discuss with your partner, about boundaries and expectations when it comes to your step children. If you know what your partner sees as appropriate, you hopefully won't have differing expectations.

There are so many variables in life, you never know what may occur. If you disagree on something, I would suggest you highlight how you have differing views, if it doesn't impact you. If it does then you have more of a say, I would aim to be empathetic and think, if this was me, what would I do.

I think step parents can still coach and guide step children. I would suggest aiming for a positive relationship where possible, as it's just conflict you don't need.

What I don't like is to be treated like a nanny/housemaid for two adults who should be more self-sufficient

The problem is throughout much of the thread that has sounded like a side issue.

You've reported me for saying that his kids will always be him. They are HIS children for life. Always. Even at 60. Only one is a teenager because teenager refers to an age.
I do think that you thought you'd be rid of them by now and you're angry that you're not.

What people took exception to was your attitude towards them spending part of the holidays in their dad’s house like normal young adults
Exactly this.
It's hardly surprising people have found the 'its my house not theirs so I get a say in who stays'attitude to be quite unpleasant when it's totally normal for kids at the end of college or coming home from university in the holidays to stay with their parents.

What I don't like is to be treated like a nanny/housemaid for two adults who should be more self-sufficient.
And my point is that you and your DH have created that situation.
If I remember correctly you've been in their lives through their teenage years. They stay with you anyway 5 days out of 14. If they've not been shown that they have to muck in in their teenage years then the buck rests with the adults of the house who've set that standard.
The adults can't let it slide for years and then say 'but now you're 18/20 you can't live with your dad for a fortnight because you don't muck in enough'.

It's like when I work with staff who need help with behaviour management (think perfectly typical teens who will push their luck but no major issues) and they complain that the students are talking over them, they don't listen, books are a mess etc. The first thing we look at is setting expectations. That teacher can't suddenly be cross with the students for talking over them or not presenting their books well if they've spent the last 4 months accepting that standard. Teens will work to the expectations given by the adults. If the adults accept less then many will do less. They aren't bad kids. They're teenagers who need reminding of expectations.

It's the same at yours and your DH's home. If you've both enabled lazy behaviour then it's unfair to turn it back on them at 18 and tell them they can't stay for a fortnight. You two are the adults/parent/step parent and it's your role to set the standard for your house.