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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should adult step children always come first?

208 replies

PeacockSunday · 03/08/2019 07:47

I’ve changed my name as my friend may be on MN and this could be outing.

Went out for lunch with friends yesterday. We’ve all been friends for years and get on really well. My friend has two children, boy and girl, almost identical ages to my step children, one 20, one 18. One at Uni, one not. She’s been a SAHM since they were born. I met DH six years ago, don’t have my own children and have always worked full time. (I met friend before she had children when we worked together).

Clearly we have very different lives but are both very happy in our choices.

My AIBU is surrounding the children. Step
Parenting is hard work at times, they’re not biologically mine and the bond isn’t there. We get on well and have no big issues, but I don’t love them like she loves her kids.

We were talking about the future and our lives when the kids have fully flown the nest, she said that of course the children should always come first. I disagree, I’m not saying they should come second, but why would an adult step child’s needs or wants come before the needs or wants of my husband and I. Should they not be allowed to make their own mistakes, learn their own path and, whilst we’ll always have their back, we put ourselves as a bit more of a priority when they’re adults?

OP posts:
MonChatEstMagnifique · 03/08/2019 17:29

There doesn't need to be drama. They're his kids, they stay with dad, they muck in, life goes on as normal

Lola I agree with everything you have said.

It really doesn't have to be difficult. OP clearly doesn't want them around in what should be their home. It's really sad to read.

Nonnymum · 03/08/2019 17:30

My children are adults and to me their needs will always come first I am sure my DH their father feels the same. No matter what age they are they are still our children and will always be our first priority.
I can totally understand that a step parent especially one who has not known them since they were babies will not feel the same though.

LolaSmiles · 03/08/2019 17:30

No, but you've said you don't want them to stay for the 2 weeks. People are capable of reading.

Some do. Some dont.
Getting a job during uni is one thing. Having one that allows you to work all year round in 2 different locations is quite another.
Equally, some just through a levels still have their part time job they continue until university. Others don't work during their a levels and are unlikely to get a summer job before uni. Add into the fact that places aren't hiring as much at the moment as well and your 'neither of them has jobs' was nothing more than a cheap attempt to make them look lazy nd work shy rather than 2 young adults in full time education

Original poster
PeacockSunday · 03/08/2019 17:39

@lolasmiles please would you point out where I said I don’t want them to stay? Whilst doing so could you also point out where I said I expect them to work all year round in two locations?

Flame me all you want, but at least make your argument true to what I’ve said! I could make up shit all day long about what you’ve said, it doesn’t make it true!

OP posts:
LatentPhase · 03/08/2019 17:46

I think maybe Lola and Husky are getting a bit over excited.

Husky your set up is cool but not everyone’s family vibe is the same.

I don’t see how anyone could come to the conclusion OP has made a ‘cheap attempt to make them look lazy and work shy’ without knowing these adults dc. At all. She stated the facts is all.

I’m listening OP. As are others. Hope you can come to a good arrangement that takes into account everyone’s needs.

Teachermaths · 03/08/2019 17:47

Lola I'm really surprised by your responses here. Usually you are well thought out and balanced. Here it's like a personal issue with the OP because she's a step parent.

Mentioning they have no jobs is relevant because they'll probably be at the house all day. It also means they have plenty of time to cook and muck in with housework. It may be that this has never been an expectation at their dad's house, but things change. Sounds like OP is a bit fed up of feeding and cleaning up after 2 adults.

Original poster
PeacockSunday · 03/08/2019 17:50

Thank you @latentphase that’s appreciated.
I have never trampled on their needs and take their wants into account regularly too.

Unfortunately I’m not fitting Husky and Lola’s stereotype of the evil stepmum quite snugly enough so they’ve decided to make stuff up! Whilst Husky tells us how to live the perfect life she has!

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 03/08/2019 17:56

Teachermaths
Not at all. I'm usually one of the first and few on other threads when I think it's the same old anti step parent nonsense.

In this one I do feel the OP's attitude is out of order.

As far as I'm concerned their lack of jobs when in full time education is irrelevant. She could have said they're home through summer and that would be more reflective of the situation Vs young adults with no jobs. People are often selective in how they present things to try to guide opinion their way.

I also find the OP's approach of 'my house to do I get a say in who stays here / it's not their house' to be really quite unpleasant.

As far as I'm concerned there doesn't need to be any drama. There's two young adults who want to stay with their father. They should be able to stay with him and the OP's life goes on as normal. Nobody is asking her to change her plans, nobody is staying they need waiting on hand and foot. They stay there, muck in, life goes on.

If the OP and her DH have chosen not to organise everyone mucking in then that's on them as parent and step parent over the years and on them to sort now, not decide that the children can't stay for a fortnight because as the parent/step parent they've not bothered to promote mucking In

AbsentmindedWoman · 03/08/2019 17:58

Your attitude stinks, OP.

I feel bloody sad for your step kids, they are very clearly not really welcome as equal family members in the house you share with your husband.

LolaSmiles · 03/08/2019 17:59

Unfortunately I’m not fitting Husky and Lola’s stereotype of the evil stepmum quite snugly enough
For about the third or fourth time on this thread, there is no evil stepmum thing going on.
I just think your attitude is awful.
Two very different things.

Original poster
PeacockSunday · 03/08/2019 18:00

Ok so why make up the stuff you’ve said that’s blatantly untrue. About charging them to stay? About working 64 hour days? And how is it my fault their work ethic is poor when they have two perfectly capable parents? If anyone’s attitude is out of order it’s yours!

OP posts:
Original poster
PeacockSunday · 03/08/2019 18:01

No evil step mum thing going on? Don’t make me laugh!

How does my attitude stink? It’s the false
Accusations that stink!

OP posts:
Original poster
PeacockSunday · 03/08/2019 18:03

Time for a break I think. Unfortunately I’ve let this bullshit genuinely affect me. You ought to be ashamed Lola! Making up lies to support your own mission!

OP posts:
AbsentmindedWoman · 03/08/2019 18:11

Your attitude stinks because it is clear as day that you do not want the adult step kids getting comfortable and feeling that their dad's home is their home, if they need or want it to be.

You make it very clear that you will tolerate X amount of days but that's all that's permitted before you start to resent sharing time and space with them.

They're really young adults and still in education, still new to navigating adulthood and responsibility and properly independent living.

They are not the useless deadbeats that you are hinting at - despite the sly digs about them not having a summer job, or being lazy round the house. They're just like loads of other young adults in education, who need a bit of a kick up the arse to muck in with domestic chores and will most likely mature and grow up in the next few years. If you were kinder, you would see this.

BlueMoonRising · 03/08/2019 18:20

My children are just a couple of years older.

They are very independent and capable of looking after themselves. But I will never be unhappy to have them home for a visit.

If my partner thought it was OK to decide they couldn't come to stay for two weeks, then we would not be living together.

My kids are welcome here any time. And if they want to stay and I have other plans then they will still come here, knowing I won't be around all the time and that they will have to fend for themselves.

But there is no way of put up with someone saying my own children are only allowed to come for 5 days out of 14. It's two weeks, it's not like they are moving in permanently. And even if they were, that should be OK too.

MonChatEstMagnifique · 03/08/2019 18:21

How does my attitude stink?

They should be able to stay with either parent in their home. To say you don't want them there for the whole 2 weeks that their mum is away isn't great when it's their home.

Huskylover1 · 03/08/2019 18:34

Absolutely nobody is saying you are an evil stepmum. However, children don't transition seamlessly into adulthood when the clock strikes midnight on the eve of their 18th birthday. These are very very young adults, and it would be mean of you to make them stay in their Mother's home just down the road, when you and your DH could have them there.

I personally would not want to be a step parent. f I was single, I wouldn't date a man who had kids. I get that it must be hard. BUT....you did marry a man with kids, so having made that choice you do have to walk the walk and have an open door policy, at all times.

LolaSmiles · 03/08/2019 18:36

About charging them to stay?
As part of a discussion with posters discussing paying board at different times.
And how is it my fault their work ethic is poor when they have two perfectly capable parents?
I've said it's up to you and DP to set the standard for mucking in in your house. If you two haven't set that standard in your house over the last few years then you can't turn round and say to the kids we don't want you to stay for a fortnight.

AbsentmindedWoman MonChatEstMagnifique
You've summed it up perfectly. But as the thread has a consensus that adult children should be able to stay with their parent the OP doesn't like it.

They should be able to stay at their parent's home for a fortnight, especially the 18 year old who has just finished compulsory education.
I didn't think it was that radical to think children can live with parents when in full time education, parents/step parents continue to live their life as normal (no waiter service required), and the parents/step arents are responsible for setting the standard of mucking in when they are younger.

BustaBlue · 03/08/2019 19:07

I think the fairest way to decide if YABU is to assess it from the other side. If you and their Dad were going on a two week holiday would you still assume they will spend the same 5 nights in your home without you that they usually do? Or would it make more sense to you that they stay with their mum for the whole two weeks? If the latter, the. YABU. If the former, then YANBU.

surroundedbyvulpices · 03/08/2019 19:09

I do struggle to be happy for the adult DSC to stay at ours, when
a) DH contributes nothing at all to our home because he spends all his money on them, and
b) DSC ignore me/ask for me not to be there when they visit, and
c) DSC report straight to their mum, so every little detail they can find out about our house/lifestyle gets straight onto facebook to be ridiculed by her mates;
so I'm not at all sorry for not providing a welcoming environment for them at all times. Not all situations are equal.

Pinkout · 03/08/2019 19:12

I do think you are saying this purely because they aren’t your biological children, you haven’t really been their step-Mum for a long time (so it’s not like you’ve witnessed them growing up) and also you don’t have your own children.

I truly think there are some things in life only parents understand and that can mean step-parents who have watched the children grow up from a young age too. You never stop caring for your children and yes, I’d say they always do come first to a degree.

Original poster
PeacockSunday · 03/08/2019 19:17

@LolaSmiles your actual made up lies regarding board payments were not part of an ongoing discussion, you said “I’m also a bit shocked about asking them to pay for 2 weeks”. This undermines every argument you make.

DH and I have never asked them to pay a penny for board!

As for the others, of course they’re jumping on your bandwagon, strength in numbers. There are two few stepmums on here and we take a beating for wanting fairness in our own homes.

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 03/08/2019 19:19

we take a beating for wanting fairness in our own homes

Which are, I presume, your husband and your step-childrens’ homes too....

pikapikachu · 03/08/2019 19:38

I think your problem is that these adult sc are treated like guests and not family members.

I have an 18yo and I spend a shocking amount of time telling him to put his crap in the dishwasher etc I'm looking forward to him going to uni as I will be free of that argument. He has a gf and part-time job so at least he goes out sometimes.

If you have plans during those 2 weeks then definitely don't change them for the sc.

Out of interest does their Dad want them to stay?

pikapikachu · 03/08/2019 19:39

Summer temp jobs are hard to find. If you have any leads then you could pass them onto the sc?