People who always say "I don't mind"

MontyBowJangles · 2019-07-31T11:02:39+00:00

AIBU to get fed up of people who always reply "I don't mind" to the question "what would you like to do?" ?! Trying to sort play dates out over the summer and I seem to have a disproportionate amount of friends/school Mums who do this [angry] I am always the "ideas" person, who then has to make the final decision too....grrr...

RevRichardWayneGaryWayne · 31/07/2019 12:05

The worst are the one who say "I don't mind" but then knock back any suggestions that are put forward!

thecatsthecats · 31/07/2019 12:07

I have a tip if you are a 'don't minder'. If the person gives you options, just pick one. If you genuinely don't mind, it doesn't matter which one you choose, does it? So don't annoy them!

(If they secretly DO prefer one of those options, well, more fool them for giving a few!)

username678889 · 31/07/2019 12:20

Drives me mad too . I have a friend and when we try to arrange a catch up I'll give her a couple of dates say in August I'm free and she'll say I don't mind . It gives me the rage which date is better for you ffs ? . Also she won't give any suggestions where to meet or eat etc it's I don't mind , surly you have a opinion sometimes . This friend I've not seen for nearly 2 years as even though doesn't mind she cancelled on me the last couple of times so I've given up.

Theknacktoflying · 31/07/2019 12:23

THEY DO MIND!!! They are just unwilling to say so and take the blame if things go tits up ...

Evilmorty · 31/07/2019 12:24

100% yes. My BF is a I don’t mind person and it’s very hard to have all the ideas all the time. And then have someone say they didn’t enjoy the activity, well say what you want to do then!!!

What shall we do?
I don’t mind
Oh ok, I’ll book the ‘learn to trapeze over a fire pit full of molten glass’ workshop then, see you Saturday!

ScreamingValenta · 31/07/2019 12:28

Oh ok, I’ll book the ‘learn to trapeze over a fire pit full of molten glass’ workshop then, see you Saturday!

5foot5 · 31/07/2019 12:30

YANBU!

I get this sometimes with PIL but I think they do it because they believe that by not expressing a preference they are being "no bother"

So we have conversations like this:

Me: Would you like a cup of tea or coffee?
FIL: Yes please
Me: Which would you like?
FIL: I don't mind.
Me: Well I could make either or both. What do you prefer?
FIL: I don't mind. Whichever is easiest?
Me: Well I am having tea but DH is having coffee so either one is easy.
FIL: I don't mind.
[grrr]

flouncyfanny · 31/07/2019 12:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SalrycLuxx · 31/07/2019 12:31

These types drive me crazy.

user1493413286 · 31/07/2019 12:31

I used to say I don’t mind because I was worried about giving bad suggestions. Now I realise it’s not helpful so I’ll try to make 2/3 suggestions all of which I’m happy with so at least I’m actively trying. I hate it when you suggest something specific and someone says I don’t mind rather than yes as it makes me think they don’t really want to

user1493413286 · 31/07/2019 12:34

We also have a rule at home that no one is allowed to say I don’t mind when talking about food choices: we’re jokey about it but it works quite well

HotChocolateLover · 31/07/2019 12:34

Grrr, DH is dreadful for this and has had several tellings off recently!

username678889 · 31/07/2019 12:35

It's f*cking annoying though surly if you offer tea or coffee you have a preference or of you want to meet on the 10th or the 30th if the month .

Evilmorty · 31/07/2019 12:37

Sometimes I get a text saying “We should definitely go out!”

Ok! What did you want to do?

“Oh I don’t mind, you choose”

Mate I was just sitting here minding my own and now I’ve got to start thinking about making group choices!

SeeSomethingSaySomething · 31/07/2019 12:37

It’s passive-aggression.

They are just pushing the responsibility / mental load back onto you.

SaintWillibald · 31/07/2019 12:42

This drives me nuts too. When someone says ‘whatever’s easiest’ I now reply with ‘a definite choice from you is the easiest’! Doesn’t always go down well but am beyond caring.

However, one friend in particular has form for this so I preempt her ‘I don’t mind’ response with ‘Ok, next Monday is good for me too but you choose this time as I chose last time’. Seems to work.

Like a PP said, what’s really frustrating is when you are forced to make a choice and then the person then says that that time/location doesn’t suit them. FFS Susan, just state your preference from the get go!

aquarianaura · 31/07/2019 12:44

I'm an "I don't mind" person because of a lifetime of being made to believe that anything I do or say or am is a massive inconvenience to everyone else, being made to believe I'm not allowed an opinion and anyone who asks me is just being polite and they don't actually care, being made to believe that I'm always wrong, that I exist solely for others' needs, etc.

I'm now recognising and picking apart everything I do/say that is a result of emotional abuse but little things like saying "I don't mind" or "sorry" or "whatevers best for you" are really hard to stop because of these deeply ingrained beliefs.

musicposy · 31/07/2019 12:45

I often say I don't kind because I genuinely don't. I'm the most indecisive person ever. If a friend says "shall we meet at mine, or yours, or go into town" I'm one of those annoying people who says I don't mind.

The trouble is, I'm weighing up too many pros and cons at once, e.g. At mine I won't need to drive but I'll have to tidy up. Then again, if we go into town a coffee shop will be more relaxing, but do I really want to pay a tenner if I could just do it at home? Then again, if I go to my friends, that's nice but I'll need to go and get a cake to take and do I have enough time to do that? So all these scenarios whirl round my head and I can't decide which is better so I just say "I don't mind" hoping my friend will make the decision for me. It's not a passive aggressive thing at all - I just really don't know which I prefer.

Reading these replies, I think I need to stop overthinking and just pick one!

BadnessInTheFolds · 31/07/2019 12:46

They are just pushing the responsibility / mental load back onto you

Agree wholeheartedly with this! I used to be vague but I realised on my early 20s how annoying this is! I probably come across as a bit bolshy now as I am very clear.

"I'm happy to do x or y but if it was up to me, I'd choose z"

My favourite friend to organise stuff with just says stuff like, "Coffee at Bert's Cafe on Friday 11:00?" And I'll reply, "can't do 11:00, 2pm instead?" She says "yes" and we are done!

OccasionalNachos · 31/07/2019 12:48

When someone says ‘whatever’s easiest’ I now reply with ‘a definite choice from you is the easiest’! Doesn’t always go down well but am beyond caring.

Oh I am stealing this for MIL & mum interactions @SaintWillibald. As well as whoever I think I can get away with saying it to at work.

NCforthis2019 · 31/07/2019 12:48

I’m an I don’t mind person - mainly because If I genuinely don’t have an opinion I’m happy to go with whatever the other person suggests. Like today : a friend asked if we would like pizza or Chinese food -I don’t mind either so if she has a preference I was happy to go with that. If she said pizza or Icelandic food, then I would have expressed an opinion and said I would prefer pizza. What’s the harm in that??

forkfun · 31/07/2019 12:49

@5foot5

When did you come to my house and transcribe this exchange?

Me: Would you like a cup of tea or coffee?
FIL: Yes please
Me: Which would you like?
FIL: I don't mind.
Me: Well I could make either or both. What do you prefer?
FIL: I don't mind. Whichever is easiest?
Me: Well I am having tea but DH is having coffee so either one is easy.
FIL: I don't mind.

I sometimes make my MIL tea, even though I know she prefers coffee. Petty, I know, but just tell me what you would like!

Mymycherrypie · 31/07/2019 12:50

The trouble is, I'm weighing up too many pros and cons at once, e.g. At mine I won't need to drive but I'll have to tidy up. Then again, if we go into town a coffee shop will be more relaxing, but do I really want to pay a tenner if I could just do it at home? Then again, if I go to my friends, that's nice but I'll need to go and get a cake to take and do I have enough time to do that?

In all of those scenarios you prioritised I. I don’t mind people sound like they want to make it easier on other person but in reality it just gives someone else more mental load.

herbsmokedchicken · 31/07/2019 12:51

This is me! It’s something I’m actively trying to work on as I know it drives people mad. Trouble is, my mum gets annoyed when we say this but literally every time I decide to just pick something, it’s always the wrong thing...
But I’ve recently split with my DP and I know this was something that did irritate him a little so I’m trying to work on it now before I start to embark on something new. It’s difficult when it’s so ingrained tho. Sometimes I genuinely don’t mind but sometimes I do and I still say it!

joystir59 · 31/07/2019 12:53

I used to hate having to push for what I wanted in case whatever I chose would anger the other person. It takes time to work through emotional Backpage so I try not to get to made with 'I don't minders'