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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

People who always say "I don't mind"

205 replies

MontyBowJangles · 31/07/2019 12:02

AIBU to get fed up of people who always reply "I don't mind" to the question "what would you like to do?" ?!

Trying to sort play dates out over the summer and I seem to have a disproportionate amount of friends/school Mums who do this Angry

I am always the "ideas" person, who then has to make the final decision too....grrr...

OP posts:
SaintWillibald · 31/07/2019 15:11

@Idontwanttotalk Seriously? How are you still friends with these people? 🤣

@OccasionalNachos I may have been know to say, re a cup of tea or coffee, “actually I wasn’t going to make one at all so I won’t bother then”. Felt a bit petty after that one so haven’t tried it twice.

Another conversation that drives me quietly mad might go along the lines of:-
Me: tea or coffee ?
Susan: oh I don’t mind, whatever you’re making.
Me: Coffee then, how do you have it?
Susan: oh you know, the usual.........
😡😡😡
Ideally it should go:-
Me: tea or coffee
Susan: tea please, white one sugar/coffee black, no sugar.

See, Susan, simple and everyone is 😃

SaintWillibald · 31/07/2019 15:16

@LittleAndOften I see we have the friend!

SaintWillibald · 31/07/2019 15:16

same friend

MsAwesomeDragon · 31/07/2019 15:18

Dd1 is an IDM. She can make big decisions, like which uni course to do, etc very quickly. But small decisions are a nightmare!!! I ask her what she fancies for dinner, and she replies "yummy food". So I've taken to just cooking/ordering what I want and if she doesn't want it then that's just tough.

Dd2 is much more decisive, and seems almost demanding compared to her big sister, but actually she just knows what she likes and is happy to say it. It's quite nice.

BlueCornsihPixie · 31/07/2019 15:24

But OP in your scenario you are the IDMer

You've asked them to hang out and are annoyed they want you to make the decision about where to go. But you haven't given them anything either and you are the one doing the asking.

I'm a bit of an IDMer, mostly because I really don't give a shit. It's not passive aggression, it's more I want to do everything really.

So if you have something you want to do, tell me. If equally like me you don't mind then why is it okay for you to not mind but not me?

lyralalala · 31/07/2019 15:29

I don't mind people who genuinely don't mind.

I have a DD with quite significant needs and a couple of friends genuinely don't mind what we do and that's really great (I always consider them when I pick though).

What I absolutely detest is pretend don't minders. They seriously irritate me

"What should we do with the kids on Friday?"
"I don't mind"
"Oh right, well I fancy taking DD to the petting zoo?"
"Nah, I don't fancy that."
"Fair enough. What about water world?"
"No, I'm not in the mood for swimming."
"I think the science museum has a new bit open, and the cafe there is good"
"Nah, we've been too many times"
"What do you want to do then?"
"Oh I really don't mind"

Angry
tabulahrasa · 31/07/2019 15:45

“What I absolutely detest is pretend don't minders.”

See I was going to point out that a lot of these examples are people saying they don’t mind but really they do.

I say I don’t mind because I don’t - so I’ll say yes to whatever it is, if I say whenever it’s because I have nothing on, otherwise I’d say any day except... or I’m busy these days.

I’m not being awkward or passive aggressive, if I do care I’ll say so, but if I don’t mind, I’ll say that.

Jupiters · 31/07/2019 16:01

I've got a friend's like this... There appears to be nothing in this world that she minds about. I love her, but at times I do get a bit unimpressed about having to make every single decision.
I also have things a bit with DH, although he's got a lot better.

lyralalala · 31/07/2019 16:36

See I was going to point out that a lot of these examples are people saying they don’t mind but really they do.

I think a lot of people just say it to try and seem nice. When actually they do care and they really rather you did the thing they want to do, but they don’t want to sound bossy

JassyRadlett · 31/07/2019 17:07

A much less irritating way to say ‘I don’t mind’ is to ask the other person ‘do you have a preference?’

That way you’re making it clear that you’re not really too fussed, but that you’re not expecting them to make all the decisions for you.

sammylady37 · 31/07/2019 17:34

I used be terrible for saying I didn’t mind until DSis lost the rag with me one day and told me how irritating it was. I was only doing it out of an attempt to not be any bother to her- usually it was when I was visiting her abroad or we were on holidays together, and as I was a student she was paying for everything so I was really grateful and didn’t want to be demanding or selfish in choosing something.

Once I realized how annoying it was I made a conscious effort not to do it and now it’s second nature to me to actually be decisive.

IAskTooManyQuestions · 31/07/2019 19:38

Brit 1: “What do you fancy doing?”‬
‪Brit 2: “I don’t mind, what do you fancy?”‬
‪Brit 1: “Whatever you fancy”‬
‪Brit 2: “I honestly don’t mind”‬
‪Brit 1: “You choose”‬
‪Brit 2: “I always choose”‬
‪Brit 1: “No you don’t”‬
‪Brit 2: “It’s your turn”‬
‪Brit 1: “Anyway, have a think”

Thissideof40 · 01/08/2019 23:12

My DD was invited to a friends house to stay over the other day so I asked the mum what time I should drop her over and got the response ‘anytime, whenever is best for you’’ I sat there thinking well actually it’s what time is best for you it’s your house. Anyway, dropped her off once I suggested a time and the next day asked what time I needed to pick her up and got the same response. I mean do you want my child under your feet all day or would you rather she was gone by lunchtime? When I have my kids friends stay over I give a time so I can plan what we’re doing around them.

Alislia17 · 02/08/2019 04:29

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MsTSwift · 02/08/2019 06:20

I went travelling with one in my twenties. Nice girl but this DID MY HEAD IN

Loads of decisions to be made with independent travel - which part of country to visit what to do where to stay where to eat. Due to her IDM I took every decision. By the end I felt quite angry tbh. I had abit of a huff and announced I was not a travel agent and the last few days were up to her. It’s so wet and passive yet the person thinks they are being “nice”

BendydickCuminsnatch · 02/08/2019 06:26

My in laws are alllll like this. I trained it out of DH quick sharp and now he’s annoyed by it too 😄

The best thing about it though is you get your way a lot - moving into a house share all the other 3 housemates said they ‘didn’t mind’ who got the enormous master bedroom, so DH was like ‘ok, i’ll have it then’ and felt like he was in the lap of luxury for 2 years 😄

It is exhausting doing all the thinking all the time though. I let DH deal with the PILS as they’re passive like this, but then also passive aggressive on top of it.

MsTSwift · 02/08/2019 06:28

You get your way yes but if it goes to shit it’s your fault the IDM is hoisting all the responsibility for the day out/meal etc onto you.

PinkFlowerFairy · 02/08/2019 06:53

I was criticised through childhood so have a fear of being asked to decide something and get it wrong. So if asked what time to do something (and its no bother to me when) Ill say "im free all day, what suits you?"

With activities someone above suggested saying a place and a time and theyd say if they fancied coming or not. See usually I genuinely just want to see the person and dont mind what we do together.

Ive been known to list a ton of activities and days and times with one friend to make it clear i dont mind but then thats overqhelming too.

I dont want to say to a friend "do you fancy swimming at 2" for them tonay, "no." When really I want to see them and dont care what we do together.

I dint want to suggest expensive day trips if they were thinking free walks in the park, ehrn Im happy either way ad Ill do the other another day....

I find it hard to work put what the other person might want and taje it into account so when IDM its easier to say IDM than risk criticism or rejection.

If someone said "i cant decide pizza or chinese, I like them both, you decide. Id be fine" given a clear instruction Im fine.

Im probably neurodiverse (family are) and am easilg overwhelmed by fear of criticism/rejection though....but you a absolutely wouldnt know that to meet me.

Seahorseshoe · 02/08/2019 06:57

I've just seen this in a "British Problems" meme. It's just what we do, till we end up doing nothing. It's the same with paying for coffees, "I'll get this", "put that purse away, this is my treat".

tabulahrasa · 02/08/2019 10:27

“You get your way yes but if it goes to shit it’s your fault”

Eh? No it’s not...

I mean unless you also own or run the thing...

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 02/08/2019 12:48

Sometimes "I don't mind" is code for "I'm less fussed about what we do than how you will react if I don't choose what you want".

MsTSwift · 02/08/2019 17:05

Yes it is. A decision needs to be taken about a day out. IDM offers no view so other person has to decide. Day out an abject disaster. Whose “fault” is it for suggesting day out?

tabulahrasa · 02/08/2019 17:30

I’m an IDM person, if someone suggests a day out and it’s a disaster I don’t blame them, why would I?

I mean, I suppose someone could suggest somewhere they knew was terrible and I didn’t know it was... but who would do that?... they’re there too...

Sparklesocks · 02/08/2019 17:33

Yep as others said it’s often because they don’t want to pick the ‘wrong’ option so stay neutral

PinkFlowerFairy · 02/08/2019 17:40

Like i said I often dont mind as its the peraons company I want - so of course I woudlnt blame then if they choose! Not really sure how meeting up would be a disaster tbf.