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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

People who always say "I don't mind"

205 replies

MontyBowJangles · 31/07/2019 12:02

AIBU to get fed up of people who always reply "I don't mind" to the question "what would you like to do?" ?!

Trying to sort play dates out over the summer and I seem to have a disproportionate amount of friends/school Mums who do this Angry

I am always the "ideas" person, who then has to make the final decision too....grrr...

OP posts:
RomaineCalm · 31/07/2019 13:20

This drives me mad as well. Just give me an opinion. Please.

Food is the worst. I once cooked plain pasta served with cherry tomatoes and lettuce for dinner every night for a week. After a while people got the message that 'I don't mind' wasn't working particularly well as a reply to 'what would you like for dinner?'

Planning days out etc. I tend to go with "We are planning to go to XYZ Local Attraction on Wednesday at around 10am. Who would like to come along?"

DobbyLovesSocks · 31/07/2019 13:24

I have this with my DH. His go to responses are 'I don't mind' 'it's up to you' and 'can do'

Me: Do you want x or Y for dinner
him: I don't mind

Me: Do you want to watch a or b
him: it's up to you

Me: Mind if i stab you repeatedly cos you're p%$&ing me off
him: can do

honestly Angry

Original poster
MontyBowJangles · 31/07/2019 13:27

@DobbyLovesSocks pahahaha!!

OP posts:
Loyaultemelie · 31/07/2019 13:31

Unfortunately Dh and I are both don't minders. Dh because he really couldn't care less he's so laid back he's horizontal. Me I'm fed up with always being the decider so I just got to the point of turning it back on him. This makes for some interesting Sunday mornings deciding what to do

BeyondDangerousTshirts · 31/07/2019 13:34

I'm an IDM Grin

Generally a more honest answer wouldn't be a specific preference though, it'd be "honestly, I don't give a shit"!

NewAccount270219 · 31/07/2019 13:37

I have had to actively train myself out of being an 'I don't mind'-er. If it's what you're used to (in my case it's definitely a habit picked up from mum, a chronic case) then it's so jarring the first few times you express an opinion, but then it's liberating!

Original poster
MontyBowJangles · 31/07/2019 13:41

@BeyondDangerousTshirts absolutely! I'd rather they were more genuine and answered "I couldn't give a shit" sometimes! Be refreshing.

@NewAccount270219 congratulations! Flowers liberating you say? I try to be more of an IDM but get impatient waiting days to work out what we're doing.

OP posts:
NewAccount270219 · 31/07/2019 13:45

SO liberating - because actually I do mind, quite often, so it's so nice to feel like I can say 'let's have pizza, I'm not that keen on chinese' when once I'd have felt obliged to say 'I don't mind, you pick' and then hide my disappointment when they had Chinese. As a pp said, I think it's feeling that you're allowed to have preferences (as long you take account of others and give them the chance to do the same, of course!) that takes a while to understand and ingrain in yourself. And I don't have any background of emotional abuse, though I did grow up with a mum who was a bit of a martyr and I think I picked it up (along with over apologising, a habit that I'm finding harder to ditch) from her.

JennaOfEluria · 31/07/2019 13:53

I'm a "don't mind" person because either...
a) I genuinely don't care what we do/where we go I just want to spend time with someone that isn't my husband/kids
b) I'm so stressed that making another decision will break me

But admitting this to people IRL would open the floodgates so I'm just a passive don't minder who acts like they're doing fine.

hopelessatthinkingupusernames · 31/07/2019 13:56

Ugh my in laws are like this. We once walked around in the rain for absolutely ages cos no one would make a decision on where to eat. Anywhere we suggested got “oh I don’t mind”. Aaagggh just pick somewhere!

Piffle11 · 31/07/2019 14:02

MIL's the worst for this. DS's last birthday:

MIL: I'd like to come and see X for his bday.
Me: Sure. Do you want to come on Tues (his actual bday).
MIL: I don't mind. I can come any time.
Me: We'll be in on Tues after 3.
MIL: Ok. Or I could come on Monday or Wednesday.
Me: They're fine, but wouldn't you rather see him on the day?
MIL: I don't mind.
Me: So why don't you come on Tuesday around 3:15.
MIL: ok.
Me: right, see you then.
MIL: Or I could come Thursday morning. Or Wednesday.
Me: are you busy on Tuesday?
MIL: no.
Me: ok, come Tuesday at 3:15.
MIL: I could come on Monday if that's better. I mean, I don't mind.

And so on … genuinely, this is pretty much word for word the conversation we had. It's exhausting and bloody annoying!! Although I think this is more than just 'I don't mind'!

MushySeas · 31/07/2019 14:04

I have a friend who does this with everything and it's so bloody irritating - because I KNOW she has a preference but she just won't say it!

Me: do you fancy watching Lion King or Yesterday at the cinema next week?
Friend: I don't mind! You choose.
Me: I'm 50/50 with both, you really wouldn't prefer one over the other?
Friend: You pick, I really don't mind.
Me: Ok I'll book Lion King
Friend: ooooooh great!! Was hoping you fancied that, as Yesterday has bad reviews.

Angry Angry Angry

fatfluffycushion · 31/07/2019 14:05

I'm a "I don't mind " person for three main reasons

1, I genuinely don't mind if we do whatever is suggested whenever

2, I am easygoing and giving you the pleasure of choice

3, I have to make substantial and sometimes life changing decisions all day long so I'm pretty easy when it comes to where / when to go for a coffee and happy to give the choice to someone else

YouBelongHere · 31/07/2019 14:08

I have a few 'I Don't Mind' friends, the worst is picking somewhere to eat. Luckily I found the 5-2-1 game online which made it a bit easier.

I present my friend with 5 places to eat, they narrow it down to 2 and then I pick one out of those two.

It works well - except for the first time when my friend chose three and was like "Well I was worried you wouldn't want to eat at the two I picked" - I bloody suggested them in the first place! Angry

Also can't stand the people that vaguely say "let's hang out!" but give no indication of what they want to do or when. Message me with specific plans and I'll let you know if I want to/if I'm available.

Coolcoolcoolcoolcool · 31/07/2019 14:12

I'm afraid I do this Blush. It's like muscle memory for me. It's a pathological need not to be a bother, but in fact it just annoys people more than making a decision. I can't help it, but I am trying to change. I have now got to the point where I can say "I don't mind..no actually that one please"

53rdWay · 31/07/2019 14:22

The biggest “I don’t mind”-er in my life had domineering parents then a domineering husband so I know where she’s learnt to do this and why and I try not to get annoyed. But ffs, it’s tea or coffee! JUST PICK!

Sonders · 31/07/2019 14:25

IDMs are not laidback, they're selfish and infuriating. They know a decision or plan has to be made, and they're repeatedly forcing the other person to make it.

We get it, you don't mind if it's pizza or Chinese. We probably don't either. Just pick one at random every once in while so we don't have to do this damn dance.

HypatiaCade · 31/07/2019 14:27

@5foot5 You have two options here. Either plonk a cup of hot water down in front of them, with the coffee and tea in front of them and then they finish it off themselves (and if they choose tea, it never tastes as nice if you do this, I don't think) or you can be truly evil and add some coffee to a cup of tea, and say "You didn't know what you wanted, so I gave you both".

RosesAndRaindrops · 31/07/2019 14:36

YANBU, drives me mad!
I'll tell you whi REALLY piss me off though - those who say they don't mind, but poo poo every decision.
So you say 'so what do you want to do then?" "Anything, I don't mind..."
Well, you clearly fucking do mind, AAARGH! Grin
Or when you make a decision and they spend the entire day with a face like a slapped arse as if you're making them do it.
Ooo, that was therapeutic lol

DontCallMeShitley · 31/07/2019 14:37

I just say 'Let me know when you have made your mind up' and continue with what I was doing.

Or 'So which is it then? Final question'. Give them a few seconds to reply and then walk away.

It is often a case of not concentrating on the options, so will focus the ditherer. Otherwise, that's it, I'm off.

MysweetAudrina · 31/07/2019 14:42

What is the difference though between one person asking another what they would like to do and the other person saying I don't mind. If you think they are pushing the decision back on you surely that is what you are doing by asking them what they want to do in the first place and getting annoyed because they don't mind are leaving it up to you.

In a group situation i tend to be a IDM person mostly because I don't mind and will go with the flow as I just enjoy the company and the activity itself doesn't really matter to me. There are normally a few people who will have strong opinions on what they want to do so I don't like adding more to that mix. If I say I don't mind then I don't mind and if you said you didn't mind either then I would suggest a few things.

TitsalinaBumSquash · 31/07/2019 14:43

I used to be a 'don't mind' person but that's because I genuinely don't mind most of time. However DH said that it's infuriating so I now make an effort to just pick an option.

If I encounter a don't minder and they say they'll have either I just pick one for them and crack on, I work in dementia care and often the people I'm asking food choices for instance get overwhelmed by choice so I will ask and if they don't mind or look at me panicked I simply say " let me bring you the chicken Mary it's delicious!"

JassyRadlett · 31/07/2019 14:56

Don't try to get the other person to make a decision for you but pretend that you are doing it just for their benefit.

But what if they genuinely don’t mind either? Why should they have to make all the decisions for your (joint) benefit? Why do you assume that because you don’t mind, they have to make all the choices for something that you’re both participating in?

It sounds pretty lazy TBH. ‘You have already narrowed down to a couple of options. I don’t really mind (as clearly you don’t either as you wouldn’t have presented these options!) so I can’t be arsed to engage. Over to you. Again.’

LittleAndOften · 31/07/2019 15:06

Oh I agree! Arranging playdates with an IDMer is a NIGHTMARE. this conversation happens every time with a particular friend.
Me: shall we get together next week? When's good for you?
IDM: I don't mind. Anytime.
Me: how about Tuesday?
IDM: No we're seeing friends
Me: how about Weds
IDM: that's fine
Me: what time?
IDM: IDM
Me: morning?
IDM: No we're out.
Me: afternoon?
IDM: we have lunch at 1.
Me: Ok, after 2pm?
IDM: yes but we've got to leave at 2.45 because xyz.
Me: (internally) WELL YOU CHOOSE THE FUCKING TIME THEN!!!

And the grand finale is - she frequently cancels because she's arranged something with someone else for the same time 🙄

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 31/07/2019 15:09

Ah I see you've met my dh!
Actually I'm guilty of it too, but in my defence, as the non driver, I don't want to suggest something that's too far or too tricky to get to. But also if I suggest x, he'll say why, there's nowt there (he means no birds or wildlife) and it's too far. When we were going through a rough patch, he said that I treated him like a taxi (I didn't, I'd always say I'd get a bus if I was going somewhere), so now I don't make suggestions as I don't want to be regarded as a cf. We always go where he wants.