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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

People who always say "I don't mind"

205 replies

MontyBowJangles · 31/07/2019 12:02

AIBU to get fed up of people who always reply "I don't mind" to the question "what would you like to do?" ?!

Trying to sort play dates out over the summer and I seem to have a disproportionate amount of friends/school Mums who do this Angry

I am always the "ideas" person, who then has to make the final decision too....grrr...

OP posts:
PinkFlowerFairy · 02/08/2019 17:41

The person requesting a decision is also not deciding ..... !

Fireballfriends · 02/08/2019 18:19

This annoys me too aargh! I agree you're the IDM in your scenario tho. You're asking someone what they want to do, putting the decision on them. Literally noone ever texts me with an idea or suggestion of what to do, it's always me doing the thinking, researching blah blah it's exhausting.

Fireballfriends · 02/08/2019 18:22

Also - all you IDM, the other person doesn't mind either! Bit they do mind having to think of the stuff to do and then decide on the time/day etc. And most people have to make decisions at work/in other areas of life and would like someone else to take the lead sometimes by the way. Grrr. (I've got PMTGrin)

SmellbowSpaceBowl · 02/08/2019 18:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

managedmis · 02/08/2019 18:25

I've just had this for two weeks with my parents.

What do you want to eat? I don't mind.
What do you want to do? I don't mind.
Do you want to go on the boat cruise in the morning or evening? I don't mind.

Come on, make my day, someone else please make a decision.

origamiunicorn · 02/08/2019 18:26

Worse is:

What do you want to do?
I don't mind, what do you think?
Ok, let's xyz
Nah

🤬

MsTSwift · 02/08/2019 18:39

So passive. Fortunately I do t have anyone in my life like this bar in laws I barely see result. All my friends confident assertive types which I think is not a coincidence Grin

Sindragosan · 02/08/2019 18:47

I've had to train myself out of this, but it was due to my mother continually berating me about not being a bother to other people. Shouldn't impose, shouldn't ask for anything, must wait to be offered, shouldn't try to get people to do stuff/go places etc. While all of that is sensible in moderation, I'd been shouted at so many times that the offer of a drink in someone's house would make me panic inside. So would usually start with 'I don't mind', 'what would you like to do' etc.

Then there's the passive aggressive 'well I would have done x,y or z' after the fact or when something goes wrong. Not my mother, but many, many arseholes I've worked with.

I have a hide like a rhino now, but I do have some sympathy for the I don't mind crowd, although limited patience.

saywhatwhatnow · 02/08/2019 19:56

I've noticed as I've got older that a lot of people are like this, especially newer friends where I'm too polite to say 'choose something goddamnit!'.

I find it infuriating so now just message saying 'x place, x time, see you then!' as I can't deal with them responding with 'I don't mind' EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. It is exhausting always being the ideas person though.

Coffeeandchocolate9 · 02/08/2019 20:16

Oh the farking coffee/tea IDMers are awful! YOU MUST HAVE A PREFERENCE, EVERYBODY DOES!

I am at the beginning of a new relationship with an IDMer. He says he doesn't mind where we go on dates as it's about the person not the venue. This leaves me frustrated when I go to the effort of finding a nice thing for us to do because I'm not convinced he appreciates it, and he's the food expert who will readily critique a restaurants food yet claims anywhere is fine to eat Hmm So far I have forced his hand into deciding on one date, which he went on to over analyse and panic about, tried several times to get me to decide on various main aspects of it, but in the end produced a decent date. He made me choose a film the other day (he's into films, I'm not) and has ribbed me about how terrible it was, yet still claims he is happy to watch whatever I choose Hmm Part of me is enjoying getting to dictate what, where and when to suit me, but a fairly big part of me is annoyed at the delegation of mental load of decision making.

tabulahrasa · 02/08/2019 20:27

“YOU MUST HAVE A PREFERENCE, EVERYBODY DOES!”

I also think that’s weird btw... I do drink both, quite happily, but I know which I want when I’m offered them - they’re not interchangeable

Coffeeandchocolate9 · 02/08/2019 20:32

I drink both too, Tabularasa (the mare? I really need to get around to reading that book it's been on my shelf for years!) - I have a routine for when and sometimes I change it, which means I can do this miraculous thing of making a tea or coffee decision every time I am offered! I swear some people think that's impossible.

ScruffGin · 02/08/2019 21:12

I am that person. Usually because I don't want to upset the other person and I don't mind what we do, however this thread has made me text a friend I'm meeting next week, the messages were left with me saying I didn't mind what we did Grin so I've messaged with a suggested place and time and it's all sorted now! So thank you, I'll try and stop doing it in future GrinGrinGrin

BreconBeBuggered · 02/08/2019 21:32

See, I'm not a naturally assertive person, and I love don't mind-ers. If they don't mind whether we have Indian or Chinese, then I'll pick Indian. If they can't decide on a day to do x, I'll choose the one that suits me. It's just as well people don't mind what's for tea, because I've already decided. I grew up thinking I shouldn't ask for things I wanted, and I choose to interpret don't mind-ers as giving me permission to do what I want.

BloggersNet · 02/08/2019 21:36

I find those who ask for ideas and then shoot down all suggestions more annoying. Also those who excitedly agree to all plans but never turn up.

Sexnotgender · 02/08/2019 21:36

My husband does this.
What do you want for dinner, I don’t mind, whatever you fancy...

NO, I’VE PLANNED AND MADE THE LAST 200 DINNERS, COULD YOU CHOOSE SOMETHING JUST THE FUCKING ONCE PLEASE.

JazzyGG · 02/08/2019 22:04

I find those who ask for ideas and then shoot down all suggestions more annoying. Also those who excitedly agree to all plans but never turn up.

Ooh we have one of these who did it today. Group outing arranged to north of the city. Day before Says she can't make it as has a nail appointment but would we all like to go join her later in the day south of the city to something she wants to do?! Wtf?!

I also generally can't bear "I don't mind" as I like people to have an opinion. I don't necessarily care what just show me there is some thought process going on!!

31RueCambon · 02/08/2019 22:11

Whenever i make a suggestion it is rejected so i do often say "i dont mind" because my preference is rarely the one that is taken up. So if it is just a restaurant and socialising is what is impirtant then altho i have a preference my preference is to go out.

Redcrayons · 02/08/2019 22:22

My sister is a world champion I Don’t Minder. She thinks she’s being polite but it’s really not.

We went to the same coffee shop within walking distance of my house, 30 minutes from hers, three times before she gave in and had a preference for something.

I’m a single parent, I make all the decisions all the time.

WeWantSweet · 02/08/2019 22:22

Voted YANBU but think there can be differentiations as in, I don't mind because it really doesn't matter or I don't mind because I don't care and can't be bothered?

CamdenLoaf · 02/08/2019 22:29

I also had to train myself out of this in my teens, as I was brought up by a chronic ‘I don’t mind’er mother, who felt only men got to have opinions, while women and children should always defer. But I became aware that (a) it’s fundamentally annoying and (b) it’s a way of abnegating responsibility. A bad meal, a crap film or a disappointing holiday are never your fault if you’ve said you don’t mind and made someone else decide.

31RueCambon · 02/08/2019 22:45

All of you who SAY you dont like "i dont minders", next time the i dont minder risks (to them it feels like a risk) dont make it a risk that doesnt pay off. I cant count the number of times ive poked my head out above the parapet to express my preference only for it to be ignored. So "i dont mind" is so much easier.

CamdenLoaf · 02/08/2019 23:23

@31RueCambon, but it’s no one else’s responsibility to protect the chronic ‘I don’t mind’ers from the ordinary events of relationships — we all have other people not take account of our preferences at times. You don’t get a free pass on that because you find it difficult to express an opinion.

MsTSwift · 02/08/2019 23:39

Yes “I don’t mind” is certainly much easier for the IDMers Grin just not everyone else

TheDarkPassenger · 02/08/2019 23:57

I’m one of these people a lot of the time because I genuinely don’t care and will go with the flow. If I don’t want to do something or specifically want to do something then I will say but generally I don’t actually mind. Although when I’m on here I feel like I may be too laid back