People who always say "I don't mind"

[MontyBowJangles]

AIBU to get fed up of people who always reply "I don't mind" to the question "what would you like to do?" ?!

Trying to sort play dates out over the summer and I seem to have a disproportionate amount of friends/school Mums who do this

I am always the "ideas" person, who then has to make the final decision too....grrr...

I'm a "I don't mind " person for three main reasons

1, I genuinely don't mind if we do whatever is suggested whenever

2, I am easygoing and giving you the pleasure of choice

3, I have to make substantial and sometimes life changing decisions all day long so I'm pretty easy when it comes to where / when to go for a coffee and happy to give the choice to someone else

Oh this masterpiece of passive-aggressive stealth boasting has riled me no end. Why would anyone find it a pleasure to choose for you? Do you consider every one elses life so arid that you are bestoying joy by making them take on the work of making a decision? If you can't be arsed choosing, why would it be a pleasure for someone else?

And then the piece de resistance - they have to make real important decisions, unlike the rest of the petty unimportant peope in this world, who never have anything better to do than choose where to get a coffee. The epitome of the selfish IDMer in one post.

Now, now @TheNavigator, you are unappreciative of the Life And Death Stress of being a trauma surgeon/air traffic controller/hostage negotiator generously handing the decision between Indian or sushi onto one of us little people who spend our days counting beans or looking at spreadsheets, and who glory in leisure-time decision-making on behalf of important types who are too burned out from saving the world to join in.

In defence of the IDM people, the problem does perhaps lie with the person asking the question. You could be more explicit that you don't find dithery procrastination and deference to be a virtue! If you would actually like Mrs IDM to make a decision, perhaps instead of asking "Where shall we go on Tuesday?" you should say: "Please could you come up with a couple of places you'd like to go on Tuesday."

Now she's having to say no to a direct request which presumably dithery Doris is programmed not to do. (Anyone remember Mavis Riley? )

CamdenLoaf I know right? Thank goodness we have a Lady Bountiful prepared to bestow unimportant decisions on our otherwise too gilded and easy lives.

Yep - if they phrased it as "would you prefer chinese or indian" or "I fancy a coffee shop but dont mind where - what do you fancy?" its more likely to elict a response.

After all the person complain about the person who "doesnt mind" ALSO isn't making a decision!! They're asking with no input whatsoever too....

This is me and my DP every time we go out for a meal

Me: what do you fancy for tea?
Dp: dont mind
Me: pizza place?
No
Teppanyaki?
no
Indian place number 1?
no
Italian?
No
Smoke house?
No
Indian place number 2?
Nah
Mediterranean place?
No
Steak house?
Dont fancy it

THEN OBVIOUSLY YOU DO MIND SO FUCKING SUGGEST SOMEWHERE YOURSELF FFS

My ExH used Todo this then object to every idea.
My 16 yr old is starting to do it with meals but I'm winning.Last night she didn't mind until I gave her a cheese sandwich .She had lots of ideas for a meal plan for the coming week today.!

I actually don't mind. So why should I foist an opinion on someone when my friends know what they want to do.

If you would actually like Mrs IDM to make a decision, perhaps instead of asking "Where shall we go on Tuesday?" you should say: "Please could you come up with a couple of places you'd like to go on Tuesday."
Or the IDM person could acknowledge basic conversational implicature and just answer the question in a useful mind.
As this thread shows IDM people aren't lacking in awareness that they're being asked for their input, they choose not to bother.

We all have times where we genuinely don't mind and will say so, but IDM people are irritating.

Ex did this. I always did the cooking and all housework actually because I love to cook and he hated it....so I'd text him at 5pm-ish each day saying "what do you fancy for dinner?" every day "don't mind". Meaning i had to think of something. Really made me resent him.

Sometimes I'm a genuine ' I don't mind.'
Sometimes I'm a let's do x at y time, then a at b time.

Or the IDM person could acknowledge basic conversational implicature and just answer the question in a useful mind.

Yes, I did all that 'managed choices' stuff with my son when he was being a challenging toddler -- I certainly don't want to do with with grown adults who can't choose which film they want to see.

I don't actively mind idm's but I generally word my questions differently with my friends. So I say "I'm making coffee would you like one" or "I'm free on Sunday and thinking of doing [whatever] would you like to join me"

With my teenagers I treat "I don't mind" as no. So I say "what do you want to eat", they reply "dunno, whatever", my response is "ok just let me know when you've decided".

"How do you think we should deal with IDM type people?"

"I don't really mind ..."

I actually agree with 31RueCambon as far as the surmise that asking preferences in a large group can mean that the majority wins (which is only fair and I don’t find that a problem) and that those with lower social currency may never get to do what they like in a group dynamic like that. But I don’t think this is really a good example of an “I don’t mind” situation, I think that’s a separate issue.

When there are just you and one other person involved and one states a preference, there are three options available. Go. Don’t go. Offer something else. There is very little risk involved there because at worst you won’t go and you didn’t want to anyway, and at best the other person also wants to do the thing you want to do. If they don’t, ask someone else who might.

All of us have groups where there are a few deciding people and you either go or you don’t. If they want to see a different film, who are you to say they can’t, you didn’t want to see it anyway. You just find someone who does want to go and leave the others to it. I can’t see a loss here?

Hate people lime this I'm the worst though

I've had to really learn not to say 'I don't mind' because that's what I was brought up to do. I was always taught that it was important to put other people's needs first, that the worst quality I could have was 'being bossy'. I remember living in a shared house as a student and always handing the TV remote to my housemates when they came into the room so that they would choose what to watch, because it never occurred to me that it was ok to say 'I'm watching this'.

I was about 40 before I learnt that it was ok to say 'I'd like to go to X for lunch...' and people wouldn't hate me for it.

If I ever kill this will be the reason. My DH's whole family are like this. I remember a few months ago being stood in the street trying to decide where to eat with them all trying to out "I don't mind" eachother. I think they're still there.

Have anybody you done the personality type work where you belong to one of sixteen different categories? So ENFJ versus ISTP for example? When I was involved with these personality assessment exercises I was told that by far the biggest disputes were not between, for example, E versus I (extroversion versus introversion) but were between P versus J. P, as far as I recall, were those who loved to keep endless possibilities open: if plan A didn’t work they could try B, C, D, E... etc. People who were J personality types (judgemental) preferred to think “we’ve reached a decision, good. Let’s go ahead with it”.
Apparently in a work context the clashes between these two aspects cause more problems than any of the other three facets of personality.
I think the “I don’t mind” types are classic P personalities, keeping all possibilities open. And the people trying to get an answer are J types, wishing for a decision, and hoping to keep to it!
I’m a J as it happens, and “I don’t mind” drives me crazy! but I understand it more now.

All those O but I genuinely don't mind people, the thing is you're not being asked whether you mind you're simply being asked for some input! It's unlikely the person suggesting "Chinese or Mexican" minds otherwise they wouldn't be suggesting that particular set of options, would they ?

I have some sympathy for people who have had their confidence knocked by their upbringing or whatever but perhaps you could try to be aware that your friends/partners etc don't always want the sole responsibility of making all suggestions and decisions which, lets be honest, usually also means doing all the researching/booking/organizing while at the same time trying to guess whether their choices suit you.

It's all fine and well insisting you really don't mind but it's often pretty obvious you do, usually when it's too bloody late to change!

I think the “I don’t mind” types are classic P personalities, keeping all possibilities open. And the people trying to get an answer are J types
I'm a P and hate I don't mind behaviour.

I love possibilities and pondering ideas, but they're actual ideas and things worth pondering, not being a nuisance to people by refusing to say whether I want tea or coffee or abstaining from a meal plan because I might not be on the winning side this time.

To me chronic IDM ers are positioning other adults as responsible for their emotions.
E.g. the vast majority of the time I will have a preference but i'll expect you work out what it is (often where people then list lots of options to IDM and they veto them one by one)
E.g. Saying IDM they've chronically decided that nobody will ever listen to me anyway' (even though a group decision from 12 people might be 8-4 in one way, the IDM person decides that because they gave their input that once that there's no point ever voicing their views again)
E.g. It makes them feel polite by being vague, saying I don't mind/whatever is easiest but what it actually does is force the other party to do an awkward dance around the IDM person.

My DH is like this. It always has to be my choice to make. It drives me up the sodding wall at times 🙄

Yes, @EvilMorty -- I agree. There's a difference between a group situation in which some people have higher status than others and whose choices are preponderantly catered to, and a one-on-one friendship situation, which doesn't seem to me to involve 'risk' at all.

I've had to really learn not to say 'I don't mind' because that's what I was brought up to do. I was always taught that it was important to put other people's needs first, that the worst quality I could have was 'being bossy'.

Snap, 100%, @isabelle. I have a vivid memory of my aunt having an American boyfriend when my sister and I were about ten and eight, a very warm, friendly guy , and him asking us whether we'd like to go and see a film with him and my aunt, and being absolutely baffled when all we would do was bleat 'I don't mind' over and over, because we had been taught by our mother that this was the appropriate response and the worst thing you could do is to 'give someone trouble', and he was from a more direct culture in which children were taught it was OK to speak up. I genuinely don't think I actually thought at all about whether I wanted to see the film!

Due to the low self esteem I’m panicked that I’ll make the wrong choice and you’ll hate me.

But 'I don't mind'- ishness is so deeply aggravating that surely you realise that it probably has a worse effect on your relationships than seeing a bad film?

I get so sick of DH never ever offering any input into what to have for dinner that I frequently cook things he actively dislikes on purpose.