People who always say "I don't mind"

[MontyBowJangles]

AIBU to get fed up of people who always reply "I don't mind" to the question "what would you like to do?" ?!

Trying to sort play dates out over the summer and I seem to have a disproportionate amount of friends/school Mums who do this

I am always the "ideas" person, who then has to make the final decision too....grrr...

Groups are tricky - IME the organiser suggests things, most people don’t respond at all, not even with an “I don’t mind”.

That’s not giving the organiser much help, but is OK as long as when arrangements are confirmed, they accept or decline and don’t pull out at the last minute or moan about the arrangements!

A “both sound good” would be better.

The other friend does it just because she thinks it's polite and it's not, it just winds me up

My IDM mother does an enhanced version of this. Because she never says what she wants, because 'it's polite' not to, she assumes that no one else ever says what they really want either, which means that she ignores even clear requests/preferences/explanations from other people because obviously they're just being polite/shy, and then resents it inwardly when they don't appreciate being confronted with a three-course meal when they've explicitly said they are dropping by for twenty minutes on their way to a restaurant, or she buys them something they've specifically said they don't want because she thinks they should want it, and probably really do, only they won't say so.

OH usually says 'I'm easy', to which I tend to reply 'Yes I know but what do you want?'.
When we go on holiday, often a long road trip round the US, I organise the flights, car, hotels etc., we were once at the airport when he asked 'where are we staying tonight?'.

I've often asked if he gets splinters in his arse from sitting on the fence!

Goodness I didn't realise this was still rumbling on!

Ok so there's a big difference between a genuine "I don't mind" now and again (totally normal) and when people always say it (as per thread title) without even thinking. They're just being lazy for sure, tho I will concede some folk may genuinely have childhood/abusive relationship scars.

But seriously, I have a disproportionate amount of mates who just go "I don't mind" all the bloody time. Perhaps I should see it as a compliment; I'm clearly so good at coming up with fantastic ideas to entertain the kids over the holidays, and such a good organiser, that they're happy to leave it all to me

I agree group dynamics are a different ball game. Very interesting though.

Poll now stands at 82% YANBU so I feel like that's a win. And some people have now said they'll stop and think sometimes, really give things some thought before replying. Excellent.

I voted YABU because there are so many different motivations of the IDMer. A genuine, I don't mind, have no agenda and am flexible to fit with what you suggest is not necessarily being unreasonable. A IDMer who does actually have a preference and will either undo a lengthy negotiation or gripe about it afterwards is unreasonable.

I was bought up with a passive role in my family. One major relation was of the opinion that children should fit around the adults. Another major relation was very opinionated with a short temper so it was easier to just oblige (although she didn't appreciate a IDM so you were doomed either way). It wasn't a good training for functioning as an adult.

I am easily pleased so do naturally stand back to let people with stronger opinions slug it out. So on a group meal on holiday where the vegetarian, the spice hater, the spendthrift and the people who don't want pizza/ Chinese again are squabbling over it, I genuinely don't mind as long as I get chance to eat before all the restaurants shut! Throwing another opinion into the mix really isn't helpful at that stage.

1:1, offering closed choices is better than an open gulf of possibilities which can overwhelm some people. I have got better at narrowing down the plan from either side of the discussion over time. I'm much less likely to IDM and will start with my caveats (I'm free all weekends that month except...) rather than IDMing and then undoing it at the end (which would be unreasonable!)

What is really needed is some honesty on either side. If person A really wants to see the Lion King over Fast and Furious say so and present it as an invitation to see it rather than a choice. Only offer what works for you and don't keep opening up more and more choices. If you want the IDMer to decide for once tell them.

If an IDMer is infuriating and not likely to be malleable, adjusting your approach to forming a plan to avoid the IDM is the part you can control in the interraction. "I'm making a cup of tea, would you like tea too?" will either get an agreement for tea or a counter argument for coffee rather than giving space for an IDM. Ultimately, it's only our own actions we can control.