People who always say "I don't mind"

[MontyBowJangles]

AIBU to get fed up of people who always reply "I don't mind" to the question "what would you like to do?" ?!

Trying to sort play dates out over the summer and I seem to have a disproportionate amount of friends/school Mums who do this

I am always the "ideas" person, who then has to make the final decision too....grrr...

Riles me up no end.
My in laws are horrifying for this.
We've just been for a week away.
July or August?
IDM.
Ok, July then.
Cork or Galway?
IDM.
Galway, then.
Beach or city?
IDM.
Beach.
Seafood or steakhouse?
IDM.
seafood, so.

Turned out they would have quite like a steakhouse in cork city.
Suffering jesus

IDM ers seem to think it makes them seem “laid back” it doesn’t just annoying and pushing adulting onto somebody else. It’s quite a childlike stance to take actually wanting mummy to decide everything and you just trot along.

Worse are some of the variations, such as "I'm not fussed" or "I don't care". I've been known to quote the poem about the boy "Pierre" who would only say "I don't care":

Lion: "I will eat you up, you see."
Pierre: "I don't care!"
Lion: "And you will be inside of me."
Pierre: "I don't care!"
So the lion ate Pierre.

I agree that some people say "I don't mind", because they were conditioned as children that they had to go with the flow, to make things easier.

“Don’t care was made to care
Don’t care was hung
Don’t care was put in a pot and boiled til he was done”

Admittedly a little harsh but popped into my mind from an ancient nursery rhyme book of my granny’s - seems the victorians didn’t like this attitude either!

I am easygoing and giving you the pleasure of choice

It isn't a pleasure though. If it isn't a pleasure for you, why would it be for me?

The burden of choice more like.

I hate I don't mind people.
Sure, sometimes there are situations where someone may genuinely not mind.

People who do it all the time are annoying. I've got relatives who stay and need dropping at transport stops if they want to do day trips/go home as we don't have regular public transport.

Me: what time do you need dropping at the station on Tuesday?
Them: I don't mind, whenever
Me: but when is your train/bus?
Them: I can use any so whatever fits with you
Me: you know I'm up early each morning, at home and haven't made plans for Tuesday yet
Them: I don't mind whatever fits around you
Me: ok, I'll drop off for 9 so we can bothmake the most of the day (arranges appointment for the Tuesday now I don't have guests all day)
Them (2 days later): There's a train at 11 and that way I can have a lie in
Me: sorry I have made plans now so I can't
Them: oh well if I knew you had plans then I wouldn't have inconvenienced you for a lift.

@CamdenLoaf i do express preferences if there is any small chance that my preference has a chance of being carried. But so often people delude themselves when they seemingly throw the decision open to the group.

@wanderings yes as a child my parents and brother became furious with me if i tried to take my turn, turn the tv over to a different channel etc... it is different now im an adult, i see it, but when i do say what i want, it oftends up in a group going out for chinese without me or going to see the film i said i didnt want to see without me, or, all going out on a wednesday when i said that that was the ONLY night i couldnt do!

I get why it seems irritating some some not all of the people who believe they would be happy to do what their friend wanted if only their friend would say what that is: they are deluding themselves. I know this. I ssy 'i dont mind" abit too often but expressing a preference backfires when you have low social capital. A lot of my friendships over the years, i was more of the giver. And that was a legacy of a childhood of emotional neglect and being controlled by martyred indignation to never ask for anything.

But @31RueCambon, you seem to a real grievance about this. In large groups, not everyone’s preferences can be catered for — if eight out of nine people can make Wednesday or want to see Animals rather than the latest Fast and Furious, then that’s quite normal to go with the overwhelming majority. And presumably you don’t actually want to be invited to see a film you specifically said you didn’t want to see, or eat Chinese when you don’t like Chinese food?

Lots of us had childhoods where we were trained to compliance with unpleasant consequences — I lived with extended family with the older men very much as heads of household, and me and my sisters had absolutely no right to an opinion on anything, and punishments for ‘being disobliging’ were common.To this day, picking up the remote control and switching channels to my own preference in the presence of someone else feels daring.

But I’m an adult. It doesn’t mean that I deserve special treatment for daring to express an opinion in group situations.

it oftends up in a group going out for chinese without me or going to see the film i said i didnt want to see without me, or, all going out on a wednesday when i said that that was the ONLY night i couldnt do!

All those scenarios end the same whether you’d stated a choice or not. They’d still have wanted to see the other film. You’d still not have been able to go on Wednesday. “I don’t mind” has no bearing on those outcomes.

Not at all. No grievance. On the contrary. I accept the dynamic and understand that the idontminders and those who offer a choice (because it it is their decision) often find eachother

I think that's true @Evilmorty, eventually I realised that a small group of friends I made about ten years ago were never really offering me a choice. I did in the end get some self-respect and stopped being their go-to companion for the things they wanted to do. My friendships now are more equal luckily. Some people want ''lower status'' friends so that they can be in control and have the last word on what the small group does. I think it's just important to raise this on a thread that is reprimanding ''I don't minders'' as it is definitely the other side of the same coin. If the Idon'tminders felt certain that they could express their preference, be heard in an equal way, then they would speak out!
If the Idon'tminders in your life cannot risk giving their preference, then why don't they feel safe to do that!?

31RueCambon
People share preferences and then for large groups the situation that works best for most tends to win.

That's how it works.

Anyone who takes an issue with that deciding to be a "I don't minder" is just wallowing passive victimhood because 'what's the point? Nobody ever listens to me anyway'.

If the Idon'tminders felt certain that they could express their preference, be heard in an equal way, then they would speak out! If the Idon'tminders in your life cannot risk giving their preference, then why don't they feel safe to do that!?

There you go again with the high-stakes vocabulary of 'risk', as though saying 'Actually, I'd like to eat Thai' is like climbing into the deathzone on Everest. What exactly is it that you think you are 'risking' when you say this?

I am not denying your specific experience, obviously, but I can certainly tell you from a longtime study of a chronic 'I don't mind'-er in my own life that in her case, it is a refusal to take responsibility for absolutely any decision, however small, because the consequences are then on her. It's much easier for her to say she doesn't mind, leave the decisions up to other people, and then present everything as Not My Choice So Don't Blame Me, even when people around her are begging her to decide because it's something she's more informed about than they are.

I recently went for a walk with her in a place she knows well and I don't know at all. There were two possible routes, of different lengths and challengingness, and she has some health issues, so as she knew the terrain and I didn't, and only she knew what she felt up to that day I said she should decide which way we went. But 'I don't mind' is all I got.

Well that is not me. That was not my experience. I was prepared to take the responsibility of making a choice. But I wasn't heard. It was a risk (i dont know what other word to use) in that if i pushed, i lost. (The frienship, such as it was).

No harm. Left room for more equal friendships.

Interestingly i have no friends who cannot decide. Im not drawn to that dynamic at all. If i dont watch myself v carefully i can end up with people who over rule me but now im aware, not so much.

What you describe, going for a walk, that sounds frustrating.

Question for the IDMers. Do you think people who express a preference are rude?

^for the tea and coffee palaver posted above when you get 'whatever's easiest' when both are the same amount of effort, if you ask someone and they say 'black coffee no sugar' do you think this is CF territory? I have this all the time with my sister and I often wonder if she's thinking I'm a cheeky bitch for preferring to meet at 3 rather than don't mind o'clock.

Question for the IDMers. Do you think people who express a preference are rude?

The chronic IDM-er of whom I spoke above definitely thinks it is rude and 'forward' to simply say 'Thanks, I'd love a black coffee' if offered a hot drink. At first you should refuse any drinks at all several times because you 'don't want to be any trouble', and when you eventually, with a show of reluctance, accept, you then move onto 'whatever's easiest' and 'I don't mind, whatever you're having'.

But I wasn't heard. It was a risk (i dont know what other word to use) in that if i pushed, i lost.

But why would you be 'pushing' if you said 'Let's go to see RandomBlockbuster on Friday'? or 'I don't like Thai, what about Italian or Lebanese'?

I was putting forward my preference that is all. Some people people put forward their preference and it's seized upon, ''ok great plan! let's do that!''. But the elephant in the room here (I feel) is that people like the non-charismatic people pleasing woman that I was, I could make a suggestion and it was dismissed. There was always a reason. ''oh Julie had Thai last night''. Or ''Anna can't park out side the Thai place''.

But basically, for a certain type of person, you ''learn'' that your suggestions will be dismissed.

I have worked on my charisma and I do find it easier now to put forward a suggestion with confidence and sometimes it is heard! And that's all I expect. I never wanted to change from being an IDONTMINDER to the other side of the coin! One is as bad as the other.

Luckily I'm not like this any more but I thought it might even the thread out a bit to offer up an insight in to the thought process of the IDONTMINDERS.

@camdenloaf I think making a suggestion which was dismissed made me feel anger which I didn't have to experience if I just said nothing at all and went along with the flow.

Endlessly making suggestions which were all dismissed for reasons that fitted in with the preferences and convenience of the other members of the group forced me to confront how unheard I was. Which made me feel angry and I didn't like that. So I didn't feel that it was rude to make a suggestion but I didn't like to confront the fact that my suggestions were never heard.

Like I say, I have really worked on my self-esteem and my boundaries over the last decade or so. But I still remember how it was.

I have lost friends as well! And it's never as straightforward as ''oh that's no loss''. Those people were good fun. All of the friends I've lost (ok, two) they were great company so the ''price'' of going out with them was to do what they wanted to do. When I began to assert myself in the friendship it didn't seem to work for them any more.

*The chronic IDM-er of whom I spoke above definitely thinks it is rude and 'forward' to simply say 'Thanks, I'd love a black coffee' if offered a hot drink. At first you should refuse any drinks at all several times because you 'don't want to be any trouble', and when you eventually, with a show of reluctance, accept, you then move onto 'whatever's easiest' and 'I don't mind, whatever you're having'
That would do my head in.

If I'm offering a drink then it's because I want to make someone a drink that they want.

I also hate the "oh no don't trouble yourself" nonsense too. I WANT to make the offer so either accept it or politely decline but stop making me do some awkward dance around your IDMness

Aren't there two different things going on here?

1. There is already a shortlist. "Coffee or tea?" "I don't mind." I don't see the problem with this. I'll make them one or the other pretty much at random. That requires no mental effort on my part (and I'll just take their statement at face value - clearly I will not take seriously any subsequent complaints about the choice.)

2. There's no shortlist and they're just being lazy and want someone else to do research and make decisions. "Where would you like to go on holiday?" "I don't mind." That's much more infuriating!

In my language, we are a lot more direct. However in England this is seen as rude. So when I say "I don't mind" it really means "I couldn't really give a shit."
It seems to be what most English people mean from what I've seen!