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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

People who always say "I don't mind"

205 replies

MontyBowJangles · 31/07/2019 12:02

AIBU to get fed up of people who always reply "I don't mind" to the question "what would you like to do?" ?!

Trying to sort play dates out over the summer and I seem to have a disproportionate amount of friends/school Mums who do this Angry

I am always the "ideas" person, who then has to make the final decision too....grrr...

OP posts:
IcedPurple · 03/08/2019 19:14

A new acronym, the IDM folks!

I too have found this habit supremely annoying. Sure, there may be times when you, genuinely, 100% don't mind if you go for pizza or sushi, walk or take a taxi or whatever, but how often do you really, deep down, have absolutely no preference whatsoever? Rarely in my experience. So, yes, 9 times out of 10 this is passive aggressive behaviour, and it's annoying as hell.

Evilmorty · 03/08/2019 19:53

I get so sick of DH never ever offering any input into what to have for dinner that I frequently cook things he actively dislikes on purpose.

Haaaaaaaa!!! You win the thread Grin

Lwmommy · 03/08/2019 20:06

I'm a 'I don't minder' in my personal life. It's because I spend all day every day making decisions at work, and at the weekend I just want to exist rather than lead. I make the decisions I have to make when stuff needs doing but when it comes to whether we eat at A, B or C, or See 1,2 or 3 at the cinema, I really couldn't care less.

Eustasiavye · 03/08/2019 20:38

To be fair I find it far more annoying when someone asks for my input then blatantly ignored it 😠😠😠😠😠
For example " where do you want to go to eat? "
My response; the Italian and then onto x bar afterwards.
If I then get the response " Oh but I don't want to go to the Italian and id prefer to go to z bar afterwards. " I think why did you ask me then?

Some people only ask out of politeness but don't seem to give a s* about what other people really think.

MsTSwift · 03/08/2019 21:35

I don’t believe people that “couldn’t care less”. So if we were at the cinema and I said right let’s see the new care bear film you would be ok with that?!

Loopytiles · 03/08/2019 21:38

Lwmommy, your friends and family may have similarly busy lives and not enjoy the mental load of suggesting things.

Oysterbabe · 03/08/2019 22:14

When people ask what you want to eat, for example, what they're really saying is "help me make this decision". When you say "I don't mind" you're saying "no". It's really rude.

skybluee · 04/08/2019 00:06

This doesn't bother me... I don't see the problem with it.

Instead of this:
"Me: Are you picking DS up today?
DH: I don't mind
Me: So is that yes?
DH: I don't mind, did you want to do it?
Me: You said last night when you were in a good mood that you would pick him up
DH: I really don't mind
Me: angry angry angry
Now I just tell him he's picking DS up! grin"

I'd be:

Me: Are you picking DS up today?
DH: I don't mind
Me: OK, great. See you after.

If I genuinely don't mind about something, I'm not going to come up with a fake preference just to appease someone else. I mean, I don't care if we have pizza or Chinese. I don't mind. So I'll say that, in case the person asking does have a preference, then we can have that. I don't find it annoying when other people do it, I'd rather they be honest - if they don't mind, they simply don't mind. But then I'm not indecisive so I have no problem in making the decision for someone else.

wanderings · 04/08/2019 06:58

Part of this syndrome is that we're all too polite to say what we really want, because we've been brought up that way. Many of us have been brought up with the idea that it's rude to be direct, or to say "I want". And the fault is sometimes with the asker, as well as the IDMer.

A related problem is when people agree to anything and everything, and then seethe about it. That's just as bad as falsely saying IDM in my book, but again it might be someone's upbringing. With my DH, if I agreed to do something onerous, and followed through, he'd sometimes say guiltily "are you sure you don't mind doing this?". I would reply "You know my rule, I won't agree to do something if I'm not prepared to follow it through". And if I do something under duress, I make my displeasure plain. Also, the phrase "would you mind" is often used when there isn't really a choice, e.g. "would you mind emptying the dishwasher?".

I'm sure some people reading this thread are smirking because they have the opposite problem: everyone wants to decide!

"Where shall we go today?" If we really mean "help me decide", we should say so. Perhaps we could all say "your turn to decide this time" first.

As for "I don't mind" itself: if I hear this as a reply, I take people at their word. If they don't like what they get, tough. I sometimes say with indecisive people "We'll do XYZ; if you don't like it, speak now, or for ever hold your peace."

Eustasiavye · 04/08/2019 10:53

And pass parent it's often easier to narrow choices down.
If child A says they want to go to the beach and eat fish and chips, child B says they want to go to the water park and eat Chinese and child C says they want to sit around the pool then eat pizza you can't then throw other scenarios into the mix.
I was always thankful when an agreement was reached so genuinely didn't mind which option was chosen.

LolaSmiles · 04/08/2019 11:39

Many of us have been brought up with the idea that it's rude to be direct, or to say "I want".
I was brought up on the rule 'i want never gets'.
But it was absolutely acceptable to say "please may I have..." Or answer a question with "thank you, I would like..."

I think the IDM people have a weird idea fo politeness because it's perfectly possible to express a view whilst being polite.

A: We're thinking of going for food. Any suggestions?
IDM: I don't mind
B: I've heard good things about the new Indian in town
C: So have I. There's also that nice new gastropub down town that does some good pub grub.
A: They both sound great. What are we in the mood for?
D: I'm not really up for pub grub and would prefer something like noodles, rice. I'm fairly easy so the Indian could be good.
IDM: I don't mind.
A: So I'll book a table for 6:30?
B: Sure I'm free all evening
D: Fine by me
IDM: I don't mind whatever fits
C: Could we push it to 7 as I'm on a late shift today?
A: Sure thing.
IDM: I don't mind

IDM hasn't offered anything to the arrangements at all, even when they were asking for suggestions and nothing was on the table. It translates as you all make the plans for me because I don't want the responsibility of making a decision or suggestion.

isabellerossignol · 04/08/2019 12:06

I think the IDM people have a weird idea fo politeness because it's perfectly possible to express a view whilst being polite.

I agree but if you have been brought up to believe that giving any opinion at all, or stating a preference, is being selfish, or demanding, it's a very hard habit to break.

tabulahrasa · 05/08/2019 01:37

“I think the IDM people have a weird idea fo politeness because it's perfectly possible to express a view whilst being polite.”

Well of course it’s possible to express a view politely... but you have to have a view to express first.

If I was IDM in your conversation there... I’m literally thinking, ooh food, yes , both those suggestions sound good and my schedule is wide open...

So what view is it I’m supposed to express?

31RueCambon · 05/08/2019 13:33

Im laughing at cooking the idontmind husband dinners he doesnt like. Does that encourage him to make suggestions?

lyralalala · 05/08/2019 13:35

If I was IDM in your conversation there... I’m literally thinking, ooh food, yes , both those suggestions sound good and my schedule is wide open...

Even saying that is better than just repeatedly saying I don’t mind.

31RueCambon · 05/08/2019 13:36

@isabellerossignol it is indeed a very hard habit to break. My mother got very angry with me when i asked for anything so first i had to recognise that i was even doing it (saying i dont mind) and two, i had to understand it all and then work hard on changing. It is not as simple as just realising you do it and then stopping!

woodhill · 05/08/2019 13:38

I have a good friend who will let you know. She can never just say let's do that date. She always seems to have something better to do or hedges her bets.

She then wonders why friends let her down

31RueCambon · 05/08/2019 13:45

And yes @CamdenLoaf and @Evilmorty i do see the difference between being and IDMer one to one and an IDMer in a group. I realise i've got over my IDMing a good bit in the last decade.

31RueCambon · 05/08/2019 13:46

@woodhill oh that's a whole other thread!!

BillywigSting · 05/08/2019 13:48

My mum does this and it drives me round the twist.

Especially when it comes to going out for food. She is a vegetarian who doesn't eat eggs, mushrooms, aubergine or dairy.

So we meet in town for lunch and I ask her where she wants to eat as I am a very unfussy eater and can generally find something I'll like anywhere.

She says 'I don't mind'.

I occasionally suggest the steakhouse to point out how ridiculous she is being.

woodhill · 05/08/2019 13:58

Yes indeed, I wasn't trying to derail😊

woodhill · 05/08/2019 13:59

I'm probably a IDM type, keep the peace approach and go with the flow

MidnightAtTheOasis · 05/08/2019 14:04

My DMIL is the loveliest woman in the world and I wouldn’t change a thing about her but if she says “oh I don’t mind” one more time I may throttle her. We live here, we can go to the various restaurants/museums/parks/plays I’m suggesting any time. She is our visitor, and I wish to pick an option she will enjoy.

YouBelongHere · 05/08/2019 14:33

To the people defending that they occasionally say 'I don't mind' - EVERYONE has said they don't mind on occasion, most of us are talking about the people who say it time and time again, refusing to give an opinion and leaving the planning to one person.

Two friends spring to mind that do this regularly. One has bad anxiety and I know making decisions stresses her out but she TRIES. For example if I say 'Do you want to see The Lion King or Fast and Furious?' she'd probably say 'I'd prefer Fast and Furious but don't mind if you want to see The Lion King'. She's said 'I don't mind' but at least she's offered me her opinion.

The other friend does it just because she thinks it's polite and it's not, it just winds me up. If I message her wanting to hang out I have to think of the plans, if she messages me she keeps putting the ball in my court and it's ANNOYING. Every so often is fine - but not every single time!

LolaSmiles · 05/08/2019 14:37

If I was IDM in your conversation there... I’m literally thinking, ooh food, yes , both those suggestions sound good and my schedule is wide open
But the question was to the group so when IDM opens the conversation with "not minding" and then doesn't contribute anything it's irritating.

It's not difficult to say "both those options sound great" because that's an opinion that shows that they've actually engaged with the group decision making process instead of being passive and expecting everyone else to sort it.

Nobody minds an occasional I don't mind because that's life, but when someone can sit through a plan making conversation and have the engagement of a cardboard box it's just rude.

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