People who always say "I don't mind"

[MontyBowJangles]

AIBU to get fed up of people who always reply "I don't mind" to the question "what would you like to do?" ?!

Trying to sort play dates out over the summer and I seem to have a disproportionate amount of friends/school Mums who do this

I am always the "ideas" person, who then has to make the final decision too....grrr...

My PIL are like that. Every time we are visiting or they visit us (two different countries so always around a week long visit) I have to think of ideas how to entertain DD and how to avoid sitting in a living room for hours on end.

All suggestions are commented with "I don't mind". In the end I gave up.I spoke often to DH and he just comments "they just want to spend time with us". Fair enugh for one afternoon but not for 6 days.
I now decide what we will do and if they want to join us great.

I obviously take their age into account but in the end DD and I want to enjoy our time off and not being bored all the time.

Baggage, not Backpage

One of my closest friend is an 'i don't minder'. I've stopped asking her and just tell her what we are doing. Works well for us. I'm good at making decisions, she isn't. But she is never, ever passive aggressive about the choice I made.

What’s the harm in that??

Because your friend has already made a choice and expressed a preference. She obviously doesn’t mind either choice or she wouldn’t have suggested it! She’s narrowed it down to two options, both of which she’s fine with, and now she’s asking you to be a participant and express a preference rather than passively expecting someone else to take the responsibility.

So glad I'm not alone! I've a couple of old friends who are IDM's (I Don't Minders) but as I've known them so long and love them, and we have kind of got into a routine in the school holidays, it doesn't bother me. I also know they never moan about the choice.

Actually, I can't recall a time when an IDM has then moaned about the venue/idea. I guess they're aware they are then more likely to be forced into making a decision or come up with a better idea next time.

I'm having a load of convos with school Mums atm:

Me during school run: hey, we should try and meet up over the holidays, be nice to get the kids together?
Them (smiling): oh that would be great!
Me during holidays messaging: hello, just wondered if you were free to meet on Friday morning?
Them: yes
Me: great. What do you fancy doing?
Them: I don't mind
Me: well what does XX enjoy?
Them: anything really.
Me: maybe a picnic in a local park or swimming?
Them: yeah I don't mind. You choose!

Gahhhhh. Every. Single. Time.

Then I'm forced to wrack my brain and come up with suggestions. Usually do one far away and one close, or one cheap and one more pricey....they still reply "I don't mind"

Give me strength!

I think it's ok if they genuinely don't mind and you can just pick whatever you prefer, but so often they secretly do mind and are asking you to guess their favourite.

I hate it. I don’t mind when someone does it every so often but when it’s every time it’s just unfair to the person having to come up with the ideas and make the decisions all the time. Knackering!

but @NCforthis2019 what if neither of you "minds" ? How does a decision get made ?

I am usually a genuinely I don't mind person, and tend to say so. As a pp said, if you offer me Pizza or Chinese I like both so will say I don't mind. Be honest. Don't try to get the other person to make a decision for you but pretend that you are doing it just for their benefit.

If you want a different answer, perhaps ask a different question! "I am going to order takeaway. I can't decide whether to have Pizza or Chinese, so can you choose?"

Would you like to go out on Friday? I am thinking of the cinema or bowling but cant decide!

You get less stressed that way and they know where they stand. (And I'm very easy going/indecisive but honestly if they can't choose between tea and coffee then they don't really want either! Tell them where the kettle is and let them make one when they do.)

Oh dear... Guilty as charged!! It’s worse when there are two of you with the affliction, it’s like apathetic tennis 🤪. I always thought I was being accommodating but resolve from this day forward to conjure up an opinion! Thanks 😬

Oh god, the 'tea or coffee' one. "Whichever's easier". Well, l'm boiling the kettle for both. Getting milk out of the fridge for both.
The rest of it involves either a teabag or a spoonful of instant. lt's hardly taxing, is it?

Can I put another perspective.

I grew up in a household with a very domineering mother. If we picked what to do and it wasnr something she wanted to do, she would make us miserable. This as well as other emotional abuse.

At 20 a married a man very similar. Learned to not say what I want to do, because if we did what I wanted to do there would be something wrong.

If I picked a restaurant he would moan it was expensive, he didnt like his meal, service waant good enough.

And activity, he would huff and puff, moan and sulk. He would insist on going clothes shopping with me, make awful comments about anything I picked, then moan i didnt buy anything. I would end up feeling terrible for ruining our trip out or meal because it made him unhappy.

Saying 'its passive agressive' is a ticklish statement. Sometimes, some of us are so fed up of people moaning about what we want to do, we learn to just say 'I dont mind/whatever you want to do'.

When i left exh and bought my own house. It took me 6 months to picks colours for my living room.

Just try and remember that not all of us have had good receptions to expressing what we want and spend ages trying to figure out what will make the other person happier, because it's been drummed into us that, that is how we get a quiet life.

What if they just don’t mind though?

I quite often say I don’t mind or whatever you want to people... because I seem to have less strong opinions on things.

I don’t care which coffee shop, or type of restaurant or whatever - I’ll get coffee or food either way, I have preferences but I’ll quite happily go anywhere, where other people seem to dislike things quite strongly.

If someone wants to meet up and I say anytime, it means I literally having nothing on yet on any of those dates, so pick what suits you as it makes no odds to me.

When the DC were young I can’t think of any place/activity that I’d not have taken them to, where other people hated soft play or got bored at museums.

So I let other people pick...

I mean not tea or coffee, that’s weird - I know which of them I want, lol.

But for lots of things, I’m just not that bothered...

Oh god, if someone has been a victim of bullying, emotional abuse, awful childhood, has really low self-esteem etc then of course I'm not talking about them.

I have friends who are very shy and quiet and I'm confident and decisive. So when planning stuff I'm happy to take the lead, make suggestions, book the table and sort the bill etc they are always grateful and it's just how we are. But these friendships and dynamics have evolved over years.

I also have another IDM friend who is like PP's and has said before she genuinely doesn't mind in most scenarios. I can't fathom that as I'm an over-opinionated bossy boots

But lately I seem to have a disproportionate amount of interactions where the other person appears completely incapable of coming up with ideas or making a fucking decision !

Anyone who describes themselves as easygoing, laidback, or who will “go with the flow” can fuck right off. (On dating profiles, eg.)
They will passive-aggressively do what they want anyway, and make you look like a controlling nutter for stating your preferences.

Oh god, if someone has been a victim of bullying, emotional abuse, awful childhood, has really low self-esteem etc then of course I'm not talking about them.

But how would you know? No one knows about my childhood and my exh apart from dp and my closest friend.

All I am saying is that if you like people, maybe try and frame this in a different way, than other posters who say its passive aggressive. Try not to attach and negative sentiment behind it

at apathetic tennis!!

@CherithPonsonby yup. Those are not my people either haha. I mean, we can all be a little like that sometimes, esp over small things, but not alllll the time. It's just lazy ffs.

I hate this too. In fact I've recently been telling my DCs to "have an opinion!". If someone asks you what you would like to eat/drink/do then don't just say "I don't mind" or "anything is fine". It is possible to be nice and polite and still offer an opinion or preference at the same time!

Drives me mad. My DH tries to use it to actually say no sometimes though.

Me: Are you picking DS up today?
DH: I don't mind
Me: So is that yes?
DH: I don't mind, did you want to do it?
Me: You said last night when you were in a good mood that you would pick him up
DH: I really don't mind
Me:
Now I just tell him he's picking DS up!

It is exhausting though if people do it all the time, I HATE always having to be the one who makes all the decisions.

YANBU! My PIL do this and it drives me mad, particularly when I then pick an option and it becomes clear they DID mind. Now, of course, they don't feel able to say they don't want to do/have the option I've chosen so I'm left trying to work out what they want. Direct questions just lead to more 'I don't mind'. Aargh!

I know it comes from them not wanting to be a bother but as previous posters have said it's much more bother to be so mysterious!

Also on some strange level I think they think it's unfeminine for a woman to have requirements or opinions and to express them so I always feel they are silently judging me for saying what I want to do etc.

I saw on a dating profile once, a guy saying “I don’t like arguing.”
Aaaargh. It almost made me want to contact him to have an argument about what a ridiculous statement that is.

@SeeSomethingSaySomething

"It’s passive-aggression.

They are just pushing the responsibility / mental load back onto you."
Passing the responsibility might mean they are lazy or totally indecisive but how does that make it passive-aggression?

DH and I are often both like this over what to eat for dinner. I would just say we are indecisive where food is concerned.

When it comes to nights out with friends, I'm usually the organiser and they are the 'I don't mind' type. I invariably book a pub restaurant and then have to cancel and re-book somewhere else.

@Wishihad well some people I have got to know quite well and they've not had emotional abuse.

I will try and be more sympathetic and patient but I'm tired from Googling opening times of Museums, checking the weather forecast, tidying my house to host play dates (rarely if ever get invited round to their house tho...always the host for some reason...maybe I'm a mug), finding out whether the person is a National Trust member, thinking about where I've taken the dc lately so as not to repeat to often blah blah blah...then initiating the communications and then making the decision.

Me and my best mate are both 'don't minds'
It makes planning a day/night out exhausting

*too often

Oh god @madeabooboo that sounds hard work!

Well at the moment the poll is standing at 80% IANBU so I feel sufficiently vindicated.