How other people see British single mums

[louise5754]

I have a very close friend who was born and lived in Iraq until she was 29. She has4 kids with her husband.

Recently she said she can't believe how many women that live near her have children with at least 2 or more men. She said it must be a British thing. She said even if she divorced her husband she wouldn't have any more children.

My sister in law is from Russia and she's said similar.

No question really. I didn't answer my friend as I'd never thought about how other nationalities see us.

I do think the government make it easier / financially beneficial for couples to not stay together though.

No, they used to make it easier. Now they make it harder to try and undo the massive fuck up of the past 2 generations where many did this then relied on the state.

Thought wtf does it matter in situations where everyone is paying their way?

Though Iraq and Russia are of course known for their track records on women's rights I imagine it's because most women there are fucking terrified of repercussions.

Well, she has 4 kids already, doesn't she. Can't see why she'd want more under any circumstances.

@Tallgreenbottle yes I suppose you have a point there with the women's rights. I hadn't thought about that.

Nice that we don’t have to live under the yoke of misogynistic reproductive repression anymore, isn’t it?

I was brought up in a very traditional family, religious background, no divorce within my family and I broadly thoughts that there was 'too much divorce' etc. Then I opened my eyes and realised that people don't just divorce on a whim, that many people, particularly women, are leading miserable lives where no one cares about their happiness and they are drained and exhausted with the efforts of looking after everyone else's happiness. I'd want a divorce too if I was married to a man who expected me to do all the housekeeping and child rearing whilst he continued with the life he always had.

In an ideal world, women wouldn't enter into relationships and have children with these men in the first place but it's not as easy as that, because what's done can't be undone. So on that grounds I'd say that maybe there isn't enough divorce rather than there being too much...

I am not from either of that two countries, but where I am from it's not common at all and it's bit frowned upon.
It's not just mums with multiple children by multiple fathers. We are equally unimpressed by fathers of multiple children by multiple women. It's not that you should stay with someone for ever and ever because you made a child. It's more about planning and being careful and understanding that it may affect the child(ren) too.
Tbh people are really careful with contraception because the benefits in there are nowhere near to what's provided in UK.

But hey. Different countries, different people, different habits, different levels of acceptance.

It's nothing to do with being British (Americans certainly have similar track records and we have French friends with step siblings etc) it's actually a liberal democracy thing with good women's rights

I am a big supporter of divorce. My perspective is that divorce is an option that supports the institution of marriage, not devalues it - I wouldn't have got married if there was no opt out but death!

I am also a child of a second marriage.

Also to both of those facts, I wouldn't have children with more than one man, or marry again (for the latter, the exception would be widowhood). I have less than zero desire to have any sort of blended family arrangement, even though my own rubbed along happily enough (principally because my dad is wonderful and treated all as his own, and because my half siblings dad was an abusive shithead whose only grace was leaving all well alone afterwards). I have no interest in another wedding, either, and would arrange my finances carefully without marriage to a further partner if I were to divorce.

Most important of all, I also rate the freedom I have to make all of these choices more than anything, culture be damned.

Well, I certainly haven't met so many unmarried women with children from multiple men as I have in England. I live in Spain and it is usually a failed marriage plus a remarriage, then kids. A friend of mine was in this situation and I remember her commenting, that while one kid unmarried to the father and then separated was purely normal nowadays, two kids from two different men and unmarried was considered dodgy. So she married the guy. I had never considered it until then. One of my English cousins has four kids with three different men, the last one, according to family lore, because her right to a council house was running out.

I don't think it's a British thing, but I do think "Westeners" having children with at 3 or more different partners is more of an educational thing. I believe people with lower education produce childrren sooner after entering a relationship.

Well lets live and let live shall we,? So once a woman divorces her husband she should never find happiness or reproduce again.? ...er right.

Come to think of it, I can only think of 1 Italian person I know that has DC with more than 1 man.
But then again Italian families tend to be smaller, 1 or 2 DC usually.

I'm a youth worker and I'm seeing it more and more that young people tend to have more half siblings and step parents. Some families it works great in but I haven't found many. My husbands mum married and had another baby very quickly (she even said it was to keep him) there's 10 year difference between my husband and his sister. Unfortunately they are treated differently and I see this in many blended families.

To be fair I'm British and young with two children under 5. I will never have more children because I don't want two different father's for my children

It's not uniquely a British thing - I know plenty of Kiwis and Ozzies who have multiple children to multiple fathers.

I must admit though, it does seem very common over here to have more children to more fathers.

I don't say that as a judgment - just something I've noticed - mainly through Mumsnet, lol.

Your friend and her Russian friend are going to be very shocked if they visit Denmark or Sweden then!

I’m a single mum who never married. But I’ve also never relied on benefits or a man for money.

I genuinely couldn’t care less what other people of any nationality think. It is none of their concern.

I have my views on women’s rights and access to education and employment in other countries but I don’t feel the need to criticise.

I’m very glad, in the UK, we have the right to choose how we live our own lives. UK rocks !

Well of course your Iraqi friend would be unlikely to have more children with a second husband, given that she has 4 already.

I would have said “do you think if you’d split up after 1 child, you’d have done so though?”. And if she said no, I’d said “fair dos”.

It seems very judgemental to be honest. Does she distinguish between those who have escaped abusive situations, those who have been widowed, those who have chosen to adopt alone or have used sperm bank? If the answer to that is yes, then it seems that there is judgement there - a "right" kind of single parent, and a "wrong" kind. If the answer is no, then she has little understanding of how people's circumstances can change through no fault of their own.

“Yes, it’s great in the UK that we’re moving on from judging mothers, so we see more of it as it becomes more socially acceptable”

It is a valid observation I’m sure - just not a valid judgement.
So it depends how she was saying it.

Lets talk about the single dads if we are not going to be sexist about it.

I will never have more children

Famous last words! You have no idea what the future holds, none of us do.

I have an employee from a Sikh background. She is relocating to marry a man she got engaged to on the third date. She opted out of the pension because it is culturally inconceivable to her that she won't be supported by her husband's money entirely until she dies.

(I know all of this because she has absolutely no filter whatsoever)

This way of living is inconceivable to me, as would be having children by more than one father (that's me personally - although committed to my husband and planning children together, I think I'd actually be better suited to lone parenting! I can't stand the idea of having so many moving human pieces in my life in a blended family.)

Broadly speaking, I'm much, MUCH happier to have been born in the UK than almost any other culture when it comes to social options that are legal. Obviously there are countries doing it better, but to my knowledge, it seems like the majority do it far worse.