How other people see British single mums

[louise5754]

I have a very close friend who was born and lived in Iraq until she was 29. She has4 kids with her husband.

Recently she said she can't believe how many women that live near her have children with at least 2 or more men. She said it must be a British thing. She said even if she divorced her husband she wouldn't have any more children.

My sister in law is from Russia and she's said similar.

No question really. I didn't answer my friend as I'd never thought about how other nationalities see us.

I do think the government make it easier / financially beneficial for couples to not stay together though.

Yeah? I can't believe she's gone ahead and had FOUR kids.

Well done her for being married, staying married and being a paragon of virtue.

You need to understand where these women are coming from. It would be like monkeys in a zoo judging wild monkeys for their "wild" behaviour and being weary of humans etc. It's their norm,wha they've been raised with,what their mothers were raised wth and their mothers before them. In countries where women are property,children are property,women have very little rights and abuse is common place. Going against the norm, even if just in thought can be very scary. If the thoughts are voiced or acted upon it can even be dangerous. Be a good girl,be a serious girl,be a lady and your future will be good, and if it's not,at least you have your reputation. And for some of these women , reputation is all they have left once their dignity,bodies,lives are under the control of a man.

If all they have to talk about is how they have had children with their husbands and what children other women have had, they must lead very boring lives. Have they considered jobs, education, hobbies, sport?

I really don't care whether a woman has children with different men. From an evolutionary perspective, its actually an excellent idea. It increases genetic diversity in the population and reduces the likelihood of inbreeding and consanguity to some extent.

Well this is just a lovely thread, entirely in the spirit of MN. 🙄

I think any woman who has more than 2 children are nuts, 2 is my limit, emotionally and financially, whether with 2 men or one

This is an eye opener of how western women are perceived in the Arab world

www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2010/nov/10/arab-myth-of-western-women

Thats not even true about women in Russia. My friend from there (who is fairly typical) has a few step siblings, an alcoholic mother and her father in prison but who she didnt know before she found that out. And nobody brings it up with her because thats not unusual there.

The rates of drug abuse, alcoholism and teenage pregnancies etc there also dwarfs most other Euro places if they're trying to frame it as a social deprivation thing.

must be a British thing about liking democracy, women’s rights oh and I not getting put in prison or killed for being gay FML

No, you're at least as okay in NZ (after all, first to decriminalise Homosexuality, give women the vote), Aussie, and some places in the States. . .

I'm a single Mum and I don't really think I care what your friend thinks OP because she doesn't know me and has no right to judge.

Oh, and Canada. . .

All former british colonies.

I come from an ex russian block country.

Growing up, no one I personally knew was divorced or a single mum(unless widowed),which means I know a lot of women in miserable and/or abusive marriages. The divorcees were whispered about . Being a single or unmarried mum was the ultimate shame. The gossip was massive even for getting married with a bump. Sex was shameful or a duty. Boys were studs, girls were sluts.

Reputation..reputation..reputation. What would people think? Parents of daughters were thought badly of for allowing them to have sleepovers with boyfriends and so on. There was a required code of conduct for women only of course. Deviation from it meant you'd get a reputation/no man would marry you just shag you or you were an uneducated white trash.

It was all about the boys and the men.

It was more shameful to be on the pill than getting an abortion. Not that any of those are actually shameful.

I went against the grain and it was fucking hard and awful. Slut shaming, victim blaming, abuse you name it. Even so, some things still stayed and it took years of living in the UK to change my mindset and see certain behaviours as simply exercising one's rights and freedoms rather than through my social conditioning.

I'm a complete failure as a woman for not running around after OH,smoking(especially on the streets) ,being shit at housework,having tattoos,drinking now and then and being fat. (According to the twats back home,including my mum)

I do judge people, both men and women, who have kids by multiple partners. Lots of people seem to want to cement the bond they have with someone by having a kid with every 'partner' and without a lot of thought to the effect on existing children.

This is true, in my culture having multiple kids but multiple partners is just not a thing.

Same as having serious relationships with more than one person tbh. Or having a boyfriend/gf at 12 or whatever. All things culturally acceptable in the UK.

it’s just a difference in culture imo

Wow. Just wow.

I judge women that have more than 3 children with different fathers, I just think they must be a bit stupid or trying to get benefits or a council house.

Yes, I'm just a bit stupid. I looked on my B. Ed (Hons) degree certificate, but funnily enough it doesn't say I'm a bit stupid on there. None of the children (or their parents) that I've taught over the last 16 years think I'm a bit stupid either.

Maybe I am guilty of stupidity in that I pay my way through life, pay for my house and I'm not on benefits. Missed a trick there haven't I. I should have just rocked up at the benefits office with my children's birth certificates with 3 different surnames on and got a council house. Silly me.

Don't judge people you don't know!

Are you dizzy up there in your ivory towers?

My 2nd paragraph should have been in bold/quoted!

It is most certainly NOT my own view!

All former british colonies

Yes. Most of them still dealing with the negative effects of imperialism and colonisation, particuarly on the indigenous population.

And still we managed to get there before you.

Congratufuckinglations.

Precisely Mumsy
But don't you think everyone has a skeleton in the cupboard in those ivory towers

I’m married with two and wouldn't plan on having any more if I got divorced and met someone else, firstly because of the impact it might have on my existing kids and also because the running round after young kids part of my life is over now and I think I’d rather relax and enjoy life with a new partner if it ever happened. But easy for me to say, life doesn’t move in straight lines and people have many many reasons for their choices.

@Mumsymumphy

I agree for the most part with you.
We shouldn’t judge people and their character when we don’t even know them.

However, getting “angry” or whatever about it doesn’t change the fact that for many people ( they won’t say it to you) having three kids buy three different people has a certain connotation. That’s all

Thank goodness we don’t live in such awful misogynistic cultures as op’s friend. And thank goodness my dds don’t either. The uk isn’t perfect but things are a lot better for women here than either Iraq or Russia.

What ghastly comments from some pp too. These nasty comments about women with children who have different biological fathers are from the dark ages. It’s awful that some people still think like that - that getting married is some sort of achievement. Good parents come in all situations- mine were married most of my life but were utterly miserable and toxic. We are women on mn (for the most part) let’s stop making these misogynistic judgments.

I think you mean you still have problems with abusing indigenous populations/ illegal immigrant abuse/ past catching up to slavery laws. You dont get to decide its suddenly the fault of the british to cover those less progressive aspects, or that white people dont have massive privilege traditionally and still in those places.

Not really sure why you're here telling us how brilliant you country is though anyway?

I don't think it is something to aspire to

Well said zsa zsa