How other people see British single mums

[louise5754]

I have a very close friend who was born and lived in Iraq until she was 29. She has4 kids with her husband.

Recently she said she can't believe how many women that live near her have children with at least 2 or more men. She said it must be a British thing. She said even if she divorced her husband she wouldn't have any more children.

My sister in law is from Russia and she's said similar.

No question really. I didn't answer my friend as I'd never thought about how other nationalities see us.

I do think the government make it easier / financially beneficial for couples to not stay together though.

@Whoseagooddoggiethen come over to my thread in Lone Parents! This thread inspired me to make one about Professional Single Parents as there isn't much support out there for us.

Yes to the poster saying "what about the single dads with multiple children by different partners"!!

I think it is more common to judge the mother as she tends to have the children with her to notice the situation from the outside.

I only judge people who choose to have children, bringing them into an unhappy or unstable environment. That includes men and women. And perhaps the biggest bug bear in that category for me at the moment is all the "we've only been together for two months but you are my rock and my life, so glad we're going to be a little family", and two months later they've broken up as they didn't really know eachother well enough to be taking that step together. Rinse and repeat for three or four years / relationships /children. Putting yourself before your current or theoretical child's wellbeing

I live abroad and it’s definitely more common for women to have children with multiple fathers in the U.K. vs where I live. However, it is more common here for men to father children by multiple women and desert them.

Personally, I’m surprised that in this day and age single mothers are judged or mothers with children by 2 men. Circumstances change...I would, however judge women with children by 3 or more men...

And men who father children by 3 or more women...no better no worse...

The crapness of men is actually sort of the point.

It’s so easy to abandon kids for men. So surely women should be more cautious about having babies with a partner as we’re the ones left holding the bag so often.

I don't think there is anything bad on 2 kids by 2 different parents if they are from proper relationships. Relationships can break down or can be harmful.
I do agree though with pp about problem being x kids by x fathers/mothers after relationships which are shorter than an actual pregnancy. That can't be good for anyone. Children or adults. And fault lies with all the adults no matter what gender.

And perhaps the biggest bug bear in that category for me at the moment is all the "we've only been together for two months but you are my rock and my life, so glad we're going to be a little family", and two months later they've broken up as they didn't really know eachother well enough to be taking that step together.

I know someone like this. She moves her boyfriends in within first couple of months. All that lasts about 6 months... I don't think that's good for her or the kids. And I don't understand why the guys go along with it too. Have some common sense when children are involved... Take it slow. Having 8 different guys living in a house in quick succession before even starting primary must be so confusing for them.

I think some of the families do have an impact on others especially if you work in education 😊

It's worth pointing out that irresponsible pregnancies are not the sole preserve of people with children by multiple fathers/mothers.

My mum turned down my dad's proposal when he asked her to marry him after 3 months. She had two kids to consider, who'd already escaped one abusive father.

A woman I know escaped an abusive relationship though only to have a 'contraceptive failure' immediately with the boyfriend she got together with a week after leaving him.

I've known her for years, and I know that she has a huge talent for self deception as a defence mechanism - she will probably almost believe that it was an 'accident' in the same way she had to defend returning to her abusive ex as a wise, intelligent decision. That her boyfriend seems a decent enough man is luck, not care.

I am from Italy (been living in the UK for two decades) and yes, I confirm this is indeed how British are seen. I personally don't know anyone in Italy who had children with multiple partners, while I know some few (but not many) in the UK.
It would be interesting to see the statistics on that and the reasons for it.

@midcenturylegs Benefits Britain? And
www.mirror.co.uk/tv/tv-news/phillip-schofield-blasts-benefit-scounger--9561308 She really is a joke

*I am very happily married with kids, We don’t consider divorce as a option available to us. I do judge women and men who have multiple kids with multiple partners

I do feel divorce is too easy, people no longer seem to want to work at marriage*

Wow.

I was 'happily married' for 13 years to the man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. He had an affair and because I have choices and self respect and a duty as Mum to show my kids that you are worth more than the value a partner places on you, I left him.

We already had our two children and I have never wanted any more than two children so I will not be having any more, but if this had happened when we only had the one, I was younger and I then met someone else I loved and felt would be a good father, I would be grateful to have the choice to have another child with him.

As for divorce being easy. I still haven't started proceedings 18 months later because I can't face the stress, financial impact and because I still feel so fucking sad that it has come to this. Staying with a cheating husband would have been a hell of a lot 'easier' but I choose self respect.

I hope the weather is nice up there for all those judgemental people. Let's concentrate on whether children are loved and looked after, rather than how many men their mums have slept with.

My dad left my my mum totally out of the blue after 30 years. It can happen to anyone.

I'll get this deleted

I cannot fathom at all. Women choosing to have babies with a man who has a track record of abandoning his older kids, having babies with partners who resent your existing kids or whose kids you resent, or having 6 kids between you and cramped living space and deciding a baby together is a good idea. Completely selfish

Why can’t you fathom it? Being a single parent makes you public property. Everybody believes they have a stake in your life and very few seem unable to keep their mouths shut. If it’s not quite deliberately dragging the husband away from you in the playground, it’s nasty little comments along the lines of ‘single mum benefits’ or gossip about you being seen in the pub with a man (even if it was your dad/brother/cousin). I have experienced all sorts including one playground mother telling me she would love to be a teacher like me but she couldn’t possibly ‘because I have a husband’. Another stood in front of my owned-outright house and literally sniffed ‘I suppose we’re paying for you to live in that’. My child once came home in tears following a ‘single mum, Benefit scum’ chant in the playground.

Very simply put, single parents are perceived as the lowest of the low. We are assumed poorly educated, without morals and without work-ethic. Thread after thread on here can’t fathom the idea that a single mum might just earn enough to not be in receipt of any benefits. And if you can get your head round it, it is more often than not followed by some comment about the child always being in childcare and ‘shouldn’t have had them if you were going to get someone else to look after them’.

We can’t win.

It comes as no surprise to me that many single mums pair up with any bloke going just to not have this shit thrown at them constantly. It seems to be a human thing to have a need to look down on others so getting yourself off the bottom of the pile is a priority.

I’ll even go as far as to tell you that after over 10 single years, my ex and his girlfriend recently told my eldest child that my ‘inability to live like a normal family’ had in their opinion ‘ruined your childhood’. Indeed, such is the backlash to any woman’s clear ability to manage without a man, we feel the need to come full circle and be critical of Indepndence because rather than give my children lots of new uncles, I have chosen to put my own wants on hold to ensure they have a stable upbringing. And that, dearest single mum basher, makes me a bad, bad, bad single mum.

You couldn’t make this shit up.

Hey @Sunshine I don't think this was about how many men women have slept with, more about the choice of having children as a result of that, which is a serious conscious choice.. I'm widowed and divorced, I children from 2 different fathers (the 2nd, abusive, like your ex) but they were not decisions made lightly. The person highlighted above is someone whose been all over the news gloating about the £25K per year (plus housing) she gets for her 4 kids (from 4 fathers) - it's quite hard to stomach that when I work stupid hours to support my family and still maintain self-respect.

Anyone's marriage can fail then break up so nobody should count their chickens and issue armchair keyboard judgement

@Nurs123Bubbles I wasn't commenting on that particular example to be honest, just that all of this seems to boil down to a woman's sexual behaviour. It's a choice for both men AND women whether to have children but as it's usually the woman the children stay with and not men, it is the women/mums who are judged for it.

I work hard too to support my family but I also have the financial support from my ex (crap husband but good dad, thankfully) and I know a lot of women aren't that fortunate so I don't begrudge helping them if I can.

@CanILeavenowplease - you need some new friends / new school / new environment! All of my married friends are always in awe of how I manage things as a single Mum (work, selling/buying a home, keeping fit/healthy, managing some really heart-breaking DS's SEN issues). They always tell me how fab I am - never condescending but the phrase "you are amazing, doing all of this on your own, I don't know how you do it, you should be proud of yourself".. I think I am plowing ahead through life not giving a sh1t about not being in a relationship... It is crap that you're receiving the kind of treatment you've had!

I asked this to be deleted 3 hours ago