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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding dilemma

210 replies

Sugarspiceandeverythingnice · 15/07/2019 09:04

Another first world problem here....Shock

A close friend of mine from way back in school is getting married, i would still consider her a good friend but we have drifted apart over the years as i live alot further than all our other friends from the same group. So anyway shes getting married and is having a child free wedding (not entirely child free as her nieces and nephews are coming) and its during the week so not even a weekend. At the time of the wedding my newborn will be about 12 weeks and is EBF, shes made it perfectly clear that im not allowed to bring my DC.
Which would be fine if i lived local but i dont and i would be doing a total of 6 hours driving there and back on the same day, i cant leave my baby for that long, plus i dont have an option to stay as my elder children (3&4) will be at nursery/school and im already leaving them with a family friend who already has 3 of her own as my DH is working.

friend getting married has messaged me saying she understands i may not stay the whole day or for dinner as i cant bring the baby but would like me there for the ceremony (1 hour). all the other girls in the group think id be very unreasonable not to go as she is a close friend and she was there for mine. however none of them have kids and all live fairly local. id have to drive down with the baby and get someone to babysit for one hour local to venue and then drive back home on the same day.

would you go.or politely say no sorry. i know if i dont go my other friends would be really annoyed and theyve said how the bride would be upset, which i can understand! but why cant she or anyone else understand that a long drive with a small baby isnt easy and its tiring for me to. I really want to go but i feel sad that she cant be more accommodating and just allow me to bring the baby as i have literally no where to leave her.

OP posts:
Cutantrim · 15/07/2019 09:07

She’s being ridiculous and bridezilla extraordinaire!

Ignore, and send a beautiful bouquet on the morning of the wedding. You can laugh your arse off when she has her own kids.

ShatnersWig · 15/07/2019 09:09

Fuck that shit.

Lifeisabeach09 · 15/07/2019 09:09

YANBU.
I don't see the issue with you bringing baby (assuming baby is not a crier) for the ceremony then leaving after although with the long drive it doesn't seem worth it.

It's all such a hassle. RSVP now that you can't attend due to lack of childcare. A good friend would understand.

Pinktinker · 15/07/2019 09:11

Fuck that, I would not go at all. Expect to lose the friendship but doesn’t sound like much of a loss tbh. If you didn’t have to travel so far it wouldn’t be so bad but travelling all that way just to see the ceremony is bonkers.

Noodledoodlesandspud · 15/07/2019 09:11

No I wouldn't be happy to do that.

NoSauce · 15/07/2019 09:11

I would definitely not go. Your other friends can fuck off trying to guilt you. Your friend is an arse not allowing a tiny breast fed baby to attend. Just tell her now you won’t be going and why.

Didntwanttochangemyname · 15/07/2019 09:11

Christ! Do not go. Your friends are being weird, the bride is being a spoilt brat.
I think perhaps that it is time for you to move on from this group of friends, they are clearly a much of dickheads.

MarthasGinYard · 15/07/2019 09:12

Can your DH book a day holiday?

If not it sounds too much of a faff

EdtheBear · 15/07/2019 09:14

Bonkers don't do it.

MRex · 15/07/2019 09:15

She's being ridiculous, you can't be expected to leave the baby just because it's inconvenient to her. It's normal to allow babes in arms at child-free weddings.

"Hi, I'd love to attend the ceremony and wedding breakfast or even just the ceremony with my baby, but he/she is too little to be left, so if I can't bring him/her then I can't attend. Let me know what you'd like me to do."

plasterboots · 15/07/2019 09:18

Don't go! If you do go and it's just the ceremony is take the baby anyway, surely assuming you take the baby out if they start crying she can't complain at that?

Bibijayne · 15/07/2019 09:18

No, don't go. It's not a reasonable option. Tell her you hope she has a.lovely day, but you cannot be away from your newborn for that long.

AliasGrape · 15/07/2019 09:19

I’m also having a wedding where my nieces and nephews will be there but no other children are invited. (I’ve wrung my hands over the decision a lot because I love my friend’s kids, but we simply don’t have the space or the budget to accommodate nearly as many children as there would be adults which is how it would work out if we invited everyone’s children)

But if I was your friend I’d absolutely make an exception for a close friend still breastfeeding and travelling a long way, and if for whatever reason I felt I couldn’t make that exception then I’d totally understand you wouldn’t be able to make it.

Totally fine to have a child free wedding but you also have to accept that it may mean some guests cannot/ don’t want to attend. I’d explain you simply can’t leave your baby for that long, you also can’t drive 6 hours to attend a 1 hour ceremony and have nowhere to leave your baby in the meantime, and you are struggling for childcare for your older children anyway. Say you’re disappointed and wish it could be different, but that’s the situation and you wish her the most amazing day and can’t wait to celebrate with her and her new husband some other time. Then feel not the tiniest bit guilty about it and screw what your other mates think.

Bibijayne · 15/07/2019 09:20

Also, the ceremony (if it a ceremony not a blessing) is a public event. You can only really guarentee a childfree reception, not a wedding.

Howdidido · 15/07/2019 09:20

She's being ridiculous. But she probably won't see that until she has her own kids (ditto your other friends)
Say- you're really sorry but 3hours driving with a newborn is too far. It would be fine with breaks if you were staying but you can't bring all the kids so can't stay
Really sorry to miss your day. Hope we can catch up and see photos afterwards
That's it. No more. They might not understand for a long time but eventually they will!

FudgeBrownie2019 · 15/07/2019 09:20

Just explain that you've no childcare and can't make it.

She seems a little ott expecting a young baby to be away from it's Mother just to appease her "I want you at the ceremony" thing. I want Tom Hardy on my front lawn in his pants, but we aren't always going to get what we want.

MrsMozartMkII · 15/07/2019 09:21

I wouldn't go.

If she's such a close friend she should be considering your restrictions.

MostlyAmbridgeandcoffee · 15/07/2019 09:23

Yanbu. She is.

I would be minded to just politely say it’s so too much for you. For weddings with no kids it is usual to allow babes in arms (eg bf babies) and it’s kind of unthinkable not to). To keep the peace if you feel you need to go - could you leave baby with some expressed milk somewhere local to home (or as pp has said try to get partner to take a day off?). Otherwise just look after yourself and hope she understand when she has kids !!

HigaDequasLuoff · 15/07/2019 09:23

Don't go.

"I'm really sorry I can't be there. Even coming for the ceremony is impossible - (nibblet) should only be in a car seat for a maximum of 45 minutes at a time before a break so each 3 hour journey would take 4.5 hours. There's no one I can ask to come on a 10 hour jaunt with me for the privilege of looking after (nibblet) for an hour during the ceremony, and I can't leave (nibblet) at home as I am her sole source of nutrition and she can't be away from me for more than about 3 hours maximum. It is simply impossible. I will be with you in spirit and I am sure you will understand once all the stress of focusing on the wedding day subsides"

Twooter · 15/07/2019 09:24

I would see if your dh can get a day off.

Twooter · 15/07/2019 09:25

Forgot the ebf bit. Dint go.

Lou573 · 15/07/2019 09:25

We had a kid free mid week wedding and absolutely understood that this meant there were people that weren’t going to be able to make it. Your friend is being bridezilla.

Whatisinaname1 · 15/07/2019 09:25

She's being unreasonable as are your friends. Tell her no, it's 6 hours driving which is not going to work with a tiny baby. Add into that you have no one you can leave her with during the ceremony.

Bride is very selfish. Have the day you want but don't moan if it's too difficult or inconvenient for others.

Your friends should fuck right off. I take it none have kids? Or their kids are old enough to leave?

Send the bride a card, and gift if she stops bejng unreasonable.

DoNotWorry · 15/07/2019 09:27

So the bride imposes conditions on your attendance which you clearly cannot meet but will be upset if you don’t go. Some friend!

Derbee · 15/07/2019 09:30

I wouldn’t go. It’s a totally unreasonable expectation of someone with a small baby who is breastfeeding.

I think child free weddings are awful anyway, so I wouldn’t worry too much about dropping a friendship with someone who didn’t view a wedding as an opportunity to celebrate love with everyone that mattered to them, regardless of age.