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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding dilemma

210 replies

Sugarspiceandeverythingnice · 15/07/2019 09:04

Another first world problem here....

A close friend of mine from way back in school is getting married, i would still consider her a good friend but we have drifted apart over the years as i live alot further than all our other friends from the same group. So anyway shes getting married and is having a child free wedding (not entirely child free as her nieces and nephews are coming) and its during the week so not even a weekend. At the time of the wedding my newborn will be about 12 weeks and is EBF, shes made it perfectly clear that im not allowed to bring my DC.
Which would be fine if i lived local but i dont and i would be doing a total of 6 hours driving there and back on the same day, i cant leave my baby for that long, plus i dont have an option to stay as my elder children (3&4) will be at nursery/school and im already leaving them with a family friend who already has 3 of her own as my DH is working.

friend getting married has messaged me saying she understands i may not stay the whole day or for dinner as i cant bring the baby but would like me there for the ceremony (1 hour). all the other girls in the group think id be very unreasonable not to go as she is a close friend and she was there for mine. however none of them have kids and all live fairly local. id have to drive down with the baby and get someone to babysit for one hour local to venue and then drive back home on the same day.

would you go.or politely say no sorry. i know if i dont go my other friends would be really annoyed and theyve said how the bride would be upset, which i can understand! but why cant she or anyone else understand that a long drive with a small baby isnt easy and its tiring for me to. I really want to go but i feel sad that she cant be more accommodating and just allow me to bring the baby as i have literally no where to leave her.

OP posts:

Catsinthecupboard · 17/07/2019 01:23

Time to cut the moorings of friendship.

Maybe after she has dc, she'll realize that she's been indefencibly unreasonable and you'll renew the friendship as adults/parents.

Don't worry about this. Enjoy your time with your baby and dc; they grow up far too fast.

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/07/2019 05:24

@AliceLilac
The baby can’t fend for themselves. The bride can. Tell you what. Don’t eat for the day before and the day of your wedding and the day after. And don’t drink any fluids on your big day. That’s what you’re expecting this baby to do. But hey you as soooo much more important. Or maybe just thick.

Original poster

Sugarspiceandeverythingnice · 17/07/2019 09:23

"Omg you hooked a bridezilla... "

well ive sent her a message and will be posting a card and some flowers soon. no reply as of yet

OP posts:

TheTitOfTheIceberg · 17/07/2019 09:45

No one can look after the baby for 1 day? I find that hard to believe

Finding someone to look after the baby is probably a doddle. Finding someone who can detach the OP's breasts so she can leave them with said babysitter might be a bit more of a problem.

As someone who is planning a wedding

Don't you just know AliceLilac's MOH, bridesmaid or family member will have a bridezilla thread on here before the year is out

WhenOneFacePalmDoesntCutIt · 17/07/2019 09:48

No one can look after the baby for 1 day? I find that hard to believe

I hate these stupid comments. Not everyone has a big family available to look after a baby, it's a BIG ask for a friend especially when most have their own kids and it's not really an emergency or a valid reason, it's a bloody wedding.

Nanny0gg · 17/07/2019 09:56

@AliceLilac
As someone who is planning a wedding, I feel like everyone forgets whose day it is. If she considers you close enough that she really wants you at the ceremony - the most important part - you need to put your life aside for her special one day. No one can look after the baby for 1 day? I find that hard to believe

Oh dear. No-one needs to put their lives aside for someone else's wedding! That must be the most Bridezilla statement I've ever read!

And please do explain how someone else can breastfeed the OP's baby.

GoGoGoGoGo · 17/07/2019 09:59

@AliceLilac anyone think she may be the bride?

HorridHenrysNits · 17/07/2019 10:07

This thread does sum up the difficulty with the general MN view of childfree/other choices that might prevent guests who are important to you from coming are fine, and then B and G have to be ok with the consequences of their choices. In an ideal world if, everyone were a grown up, yes. Unfortunately that isn't what happens a lot of the time.

WhenOneFacePalmDoesntCutIt · 17/07/2019 10:08

I don't consider babies to be in the same category as children at "child free weddings" especially if they're BF

I do! but then again appreciate that some mothers will decline the invitation, that's fine.

cryer · 17/07/2019 12:52

Oh I see we found a bridezilla to make a stand for all bridezilla's and shout 'ME ME ME'.

FelicisNox · 17/07/2019 13:45

She's not being realistic and I dare say, being childless she doesn't understand how unrealistic she is.

Call her, say you love her dearly and it absolutely breaks your heart but if you can't bring your baby you can't attend.

Make it clear you respect her wishes in regards to "no children" but you've zero childcare and it's a 6 hour roundtrip on a weekday so it's not even remotely within the realms of possibility and never would have been given your circumstances but would love to see her before the wedding if possible and take her for afternoon tea.

Don't discuss it with the other girls in the group: it's none of their business.

mussolini9 · 17/07/2019 14:08

Anyone expecting you to complete TWELVE HOURS DRIVING in one day is being completely unreasonable. Unless you can easily get a sitter for while you attend, & can afford an overnight stay with baby, don't go!

MerdedeBrexit · 17/07/2019 14:30

No, mussolini, it is 6 hours in total, maybe longer in case more baby pit stops are necessar, but not 6 hours each way! In any case, still too long a journey for mother and baby to make in these particular circumstances, even if that Alice bridezilla up there doesn't understand that other people's lives don't stop completely for someone else's wedding.

MerdedeBrexit · 17/07/2019 14:31

*necessary

Dizzywizz · 17/07/2019 20:01

Our wedding was child free, except for “babes in arms”

RonnieScotts · 17/07/2019 23:46

Has she responded to your message OP?

browneyes77 · 18/07/2019 08:00

As someone who is planning a wedding, I feel like everyone forgets who’s day it is. If she considers you close enough that she really wants you at the ceremony - the most important part - you need to put your life aside for her special one day. No one can look after the baby for 1 day? I find that hard to believe

You know what I find hard to believe? That you actually just wrote that crap.

So what a bride wants trumps what a baby needs? Nah.

Look Bridezilla, the whole world does not revolve around you and your wedding. It’s just a wedding.
And if you value a person so much that you want them there, then you wouldn’t put restrictions on them that make it difficult or prevent them from being there.

Maybe you’re the OP’s ‘friend’. Or maybe you just need to get over yourself.

scubadive · 18/07/2019 08:25

This is the worst bridezilla story on here and there have been a few. I wouldnt go if ut was local. At 12 weeks your baby needs you and if EBF then you cant predict when they will be hungry. 3 hrs driving each way is not possible alone with a small baby, not at all fair on your baby to stuck them in a car seat for 5 hours n one day. I have never heard of tiny babies being banned, she is nuts and selfish. If the baby cried in the ceremony you could leave. Your friends will all realise how unreasonable they are being when they have children of their own. You should remind them all at that time, in fact invite them for lunch but say they cant bring their babies!

Travis1 · 18/07/2019 08:40

@AliceLilac I'm absolutely howling at your reply. 'people forget whose day it is' buckled. Honestly give your head a wobble now before you descend into true Bridezilla realms. People may not say anything directly to you but they will remember.............

GoGoGoGoGo · 18/07/2019 10:21

I had a child free wedding. Purely because I work with children, I see them all day everyday and just wanted a child free day for a change. I very much like my friend’s children and told them well in advance. However we welcomed babes in arms, because it was more important to me that my friends were there than not come at all.

Even now I have my own children I love a wedding, child free or not. I hate this ‘your day, your way hun’. Of course it’s your day and the attention should be and will be on you, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t show some consideration and understanding to your friends and family, who generally shell out a lot of money to be there.

Disfordarkchocolate · 18/07/2019 10:28

@AliceLilac

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Please use some common sense when you plan your wedding.

SydneyAnneBristow · 18/07/2019 16:36

Has she replied, OP?

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy and don’t feel guilty about your decision at all!

Original poster

Sugarspiceandeverythingnice · 18/07/2019 23:04

she hasnt replied yet....so im thinking it may be the end of our friendship which i genuinely hope it isnt because id be really upset if it is. i just hope that one day shell understand why i made the decision not to come. i feel really shitty about the whole thing as i was looking forward to spending an important day with her.

OP posts:

MerdedeBrexit · 19/07/2019 08:14

Sugarandspiceandeverythingnice - congratulations on your new-born. Please don't feel guilty, it is your friend who is behaving badly and who has moved the goal-posts without thought for your circumstances. She hasn't bothered to make a short trip to visit you and your baby when she could, and I think she's wrong to expect you to make such a huge journey and put you and your family out so much so you can attend her wedding ceremony. Ask for the video of the ceremony!

Quaffy · 19/07/2019 09:24

Sorry to hear that. I hope she comes round if you want her to but if not move on with your head held high.

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