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AIBU?

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Original poster

Wedding dilemma

210 replies

Sugarspiceandeverythingnice · 15/07/2019 09:04

Another first world problem here....Shock

A close friend of mine from way back in school is getting married, i would still consider her a good friend but we have drifted apart over the years as i live alot further than all our other friends from the same group. So anyway shes getting married and is having a child free wedding (not entirely child free as her nieces and nephews are coming) and its during the week so not even a weekend. At the time of the wedding my newborn will be about 12 weeks and is EBF, shes made it perfectly clear that im not allowed to bring my DC.
Which would be fine if i lived local but i dont and i would be doing a total of 6 hours driving there and back on the same day, i cant leave my baby for that long, plus i dont have an option to stay as my elder children (3&4) will be at nursery/school and im already leaving them with a family friend who already has 3 of her own as my DH is working.

friend getting married has messaged me saying she understands i may not stay the whole day or for dinner as i cant bring the baby but would like me there for the ceremony (1 hour). all the other girls in the group think id be very unreasonable not to go as she is a close friend and she was there for mine. however none of them have kids and all live fairly local. id have to drive down with the baby and get someone to babysit for one hour local to venue and then drive back home on the same day.

would you go.or politely say no sorry. i know if i dont go my other friends would be really annoyed and theyve said how the bride would be upset, which i can understand! but why cant she or anyone else understand that a long drive with a small baby isnt easy and its tiring for me to. I really want to go but i feel sad that she cant be more accommodating and just allow me to bring the baby as i have literally no where to leave her.

OP posts:
stucknoue · 15/07/2019 10:23

Just say you cannot attend due to your newborn not being invited, it's a 6 hour round trip so your baby would need to travel with you. Wish her a happy wedding day and say you wish the timing was different but you cannot do a child free wedding at present.

gingersausage · 15/07/2019 10:24

The bride must have issues if the entire happiness of her marriage is dependant on one person (you) being there for one hour.

Why do weddings turn perfectly normal people into complete fruitloops?

bobsyourauntie · 15/07/2019 10:26

I had a child free wedding due to cost and space, (I am from a very large family and it would have added on another 20) but that didn't include babies. We had 2 babies there because their mothers couldn't leave them. We invited the babies.

Your friend is being ridiculous, sadly it is one of those situations that you just don't understand until you are in it yourself. Once they have children they will see where you are coming from. Until then they will fail to realise what impact DC can have on your life.

I didn't attend a cousin's wedding as it was child free. I had no choice as there was nobody to look after my DC.

Sciurus83 · 15/07/2019 10:26

No way that's batshit! Don't go! Can't believe anyone would dream of trying to make you feel bad for turning it down, child free in the week indeed (no problem with either of these, but you really can't set those limits and then be annoyed people can't go)

CCquavers · 15/07/2019 10:30

I would not go. She not a friend to make those demands of you.

SunniDay · 15/07/2019 10:31

It would be very unfair for you to make a tiny baby do all that travelling for a one or two hour stop at the other end (even if your baby were invited) - so I wouldn’t overly focus on breastfeeding in your reply as I think even if they say you can bring the baby you still shouldn’t go.

It also seems unfair to ask the person that has three of their own to babysit two of yours all day - they have enough on their hands.

I wouldn’t take this as a reflection of having grown apart from your friend though. It could be your own mother or father getting remarried for example and it still wouldn’t be reasonable to make your young baby travel all day for an hour at the ceremony. It is entirely about your circumstances - not your friendship.

Your friends circumstances are that she has chosen a mid week wedding and no children allowed to save money. Yours are that you are responsible for three little people including a breastfeeding baby and the wedding is three hours away. Don’t even waste your mental effort on it.

Just reply thank you so much for my invite. I’m very sorry that my circumstances mean that I can’t attend but I hope you have a wonderful day and that we can catch up soon. With lots of love.

Any pressure from friends ask if they would like to drive to yours and be the travel buddy for your baby as it would make travelling so much easier to have one - and then travel back with you to yours after - I don’t think you would hear much more after that!

Send a lovely wedding card/a bit of cash and take your friend that was going to baby sit your two out somewhere for a treat that day instead - what a lovely friend to have!

ChesterDrawsDoesntExist · 15/07/2019 10:31

"I'm really sorry I can't be there. Even coming for the ceremony is impossible - (nibblet) should only be in a car seat for a maximum of 45 minutes at a time before a break so each 3 hour journey would take 4.5 hours. There's no one I can ask to come on a 10 hour jaunt with me for the privilege of looking after (nibblet) for an hour during the ceremony, and I can't leave (nibblet) at home as I am her sole source of nutrition and she can't be away from me for more than about 3 hours maximum. It is simply impossible. I will be with you in spirit and I am sure you will understand once all the stress of focusing on the wedding day subsides"

This. Not a chance those girls would ever travel 10 hours anywhere for the sake of a one hour event. Few people would!

What makes this situation so sad is that if friendships are damaged, the moment (if) all these women have babies they will realise they were being ridiculous and by then it's too late.

Explain to the bride that it's not possible for a breastfed baby to just accept bottles of formula for a day (I EBF but could pump barely an ounce) so baby could possibly starve for that time or become sick.

Jamsangwich · 15/07/2019 10:31

Whilst it's lovely to be there to see a friend get married, it's an invitation, not a court summons. You being so far away and the wedding being on a weekday is, frankly, enough to mean plenty of people won't be able to go. Add in your two under 5s and a teeny tiny baby who is completely dependent on you for their food source, and you've got a guilt-free, 100% solid reason not to be able to attend. Her expecting you to drive 10 hours to sit at a ceremony where she won't even notice that you're there.....she's being incredibly selfish in that case. She won't even see you. She won't have a moment to speak to you. There's absolutely nothing in it for you except a lot of driving and an exhausted baby and mum.
Be blunt - just say you'd love to but the timing with the new baby means that it's just not possible, but you'll be thinking of her and hope she has a fantastic day. If that causes her to kick you into touch, she was not a friend.

sleepynewmumxo · 15/07/2019 10:32

If she desperately wants you there, she won't mind your baby being there too.

Toffeecakes · 15/07/2019 10:33

She could easily solve things by allowing your baby, she’s being a massive twat. I’d be reminding her when she has her own children, and I definitely wouldn’t be attending this wedding.

Awrite · 15/07/2019 10:33

No brainer - you can't go.

Good friends would understand.

Your friends are the unreasonable ones here.

footballmum · 15/07/2019 10:39

Being entirely cynical I wonder whether as it’s a mid-week wedding, she’s had a low response and is trying to boost numbers on her side of the church?! Wink

Drum2018 · 15/07/2019 10:39

She can have a child free wedding and of course you can't expect to bring the baby under the circumstances. If she says yes to you bringing the baby someone else will be put out and it'll be a headache for her. So I'd have no issue with her not wanting kids there that are not nieces/nephews. What she cannot do however is expect that you will go to any part of it. Don't go. It's not worth the stress of organising the kids just to sit through the ceremony. Who the fuck does she think she is 'wanting you' to attend the ceremony. Who cares that's she's getting married apart from herself, her Dh and some family members? She's not the first and won't be the last Grin So while the day is of utmost importance to her it doesn't give her the right to make demands on you. I'm sure you'll survive not seeing her walk down the aisle.

Don't get embroiled in messages from other friends either. If there's a group chat just ignore any messages aimed at you about attending. You're not answerable to anyone. So send a decline card and just say while you would love to have attended the day it's simply not feasible with a breast fed baby. End of! She'll soon learn if she has kids of her own.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 15/07/2019 10:41

I want Tom Hardy on my front lawn in his pants, but we aren't always going to get what we want.

Grin Grin Grin Grin Grin

If you were OP's bridezilla friend, though, you'd deliberately put up a 10-foot perimeter fence with razor wire on top in anticipation of Tom's visit, just prior to inviting him, and then be perplexed as to why he was being so VU to decline your summons unmissable offer.

Wnikat · 15/07/2019 10:47

It’s standard to allow babes-in-arms at childfree weddings so she is being hugely unreasonable.

mindutopia · 15/07/2019 10:53

Babies that age shouldn't be in car seats for that long, so it just isn't safe or feasible. I would decline.

tomatostottie · 15/07/2019 10:55

It's just not possible. Even if she were to suddenly allow your baby to attend, the journey is far too long for a 12 week old baby and as you say it would take hours with all the necessary break.
It doesn't matter if your other friends are annoyed - if they just engaged their brains a little bit they would realize that it's far too much to ask - and even if they don't have children themselves surely they know enough about babies and breast feeding and long car journeys to work out why you are unable to attend.
I can't stand people who make things all about themselves and being offended when someone is unable to attend some event or other.

Howlovely · 15/07/2019 11:00

She is being utterly ridiculous. Why is she going on at you about it, can she really not see what she is asking you to do?
It seems like you might have to spell out why it is not possible to attend:
Hi Bride,
As much as I'd love to celebrate your special day with you I'm afraid it's just not going to be possible. Baby can't be in a car seat for more than an hour, it's not safe for me to drive more than 6 hours in one day due to newborn sleep deprivation and I can't leave Baby with anyone else as I am the only one who can feed her/him and they can't go all day with nothing. I'm also struggling to get someone to look after Child 1 and a Child 2. Unfortunately, despite trying to think of a solution I just can't find one. Wishing you a wonderful day, etc, looking forward to seeing the pics.
X
If she really can't see your point of view here I think it might be time to let the friendship slide.

IceQueenCometh · 15/07/2019 11:05

Can't someone live stream it? Of course you shouldn't go. Ridiculous.

FluffMagnet · 15/07/2019 11:06

I do think it's worth pointing out to the bride and your friends why the trip doesn't work with a newborn (travelling breaks and EBF) - if they don't have children of their own they may genuinely have no idea of the problems. I was truly clueless about babies until I had my own. They probably forget just quite long your journey will take too, just because it doesn't arise on their radar. A bit of education may enlighten them and make them realise why you are not being unreasonable.

GoGoGoGoGo · 15/07/2019 11:10

Your friend is being ridiculous.

It’s totally unreasonable to expect anyone to drive 3 hours there and back with a new baby for an hours ceremony. And then to expect you to off load the baby for an hour.

If they can’t understand that then they’re not good friends.

TheTitOfTheIceberg · 15/07/2019 11:13

YANBU. I wouldn't go into detailed explanations, I'd just say

"Hi Bride,

I'm really sorry I won't be able to share your special day with you, but due to the logistics of travel with a breastfeeding baby, I'm afraid it simply isn't safe or possible. I hope you have a fantastic time and I can't wait to catch up with you (when you'll be Mrs X!) and hear all about it.

Love Sugarspice"

littlepaddypaws · 15/07/2019 11:14

are you sure she's a friend, do friends really act like this ?? thank god i prefer not to have them if this is what 'close' friends demand /ask of a person.

yesteaandawineplease · 15/07/2019 11:15

your friend is being very unreasonable. most people make exceptions for small babies at child free weddings as they are difficult to leave...even if you weren't ebf but more l because you are! i mean who do does she think youll be able to leave the baby with? just silly and self centred.

RuggerHug · 15/07/2019 11:16

Don't go. Honestly, even for 1 hour that's not counting travel time and getting yourself and baby ready, it'll be hours of work and if it doesn't start on time(do they ever?) you'll be leaving without even getting to see her.