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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding dilemma

210 replies

Sugarspiceandeverythingnice · 15/07/2019 09:04

Another first world problem here....Shock

A close friend of mine from way back in school is getting married, i would still consider her a good friend but we have drifted apart over the years as i live alot further than all our other friends from the same group. So anyway shes getting married and is having a child free wedding (not entirely child free as her nieces and nephews are coming) and its during the week so not even a weekend. At the time of the wedding my newborn will be about 12 weeks and is EBF, shes made it perfectly clear that im not allowed to bring my DC.
Which would be fine if i lived local but i dont and i would be doing a total of 6 hours driving there and back on the same day, i cant leave my baby for that long, plus i dont have an option to stay as my elder children (3&4) will be at nursery/school and im already leaving them with a family friend who already has 3 of her own as my DH is working.

friend getting married has messaged me saying she understands i may not stay the whole day or for dinner as i cant bring the baby but would like me there for the ceremony (1 hour). all the other girls in the group think id be very unreasonable not to go as she is a close friend and she was there for mine. however none of them have kids and all live fairly local. id have to drive down with the baby and get someone to babysit for one hour local to venue and then drive back home on the same day.

would you go.or politely say no sorry. i know if i dont go my other friends would be really annoyed and theyve said how the bride would be upset, which i can understand! but why cant she or anyone else understand that a long drive with a small baby isnt easy and its tiring for me to. I really want to go but i feel sad that she cant be more accommodating and just allow me to bring the baby as i have literally no where to leave her.

OP posts:
Stardustmoon · 16/07/2019 19:20

She is off out of order. You'd need to stop halfway too as bubba will be too small for a 3 hour drive. Don't go. I would be inclined to phone her and say the only way you will go is if your baby can come. My friend had ano child policy at her wedding but she let two of us bring our babies as we were breastfeeding xx

Quaffy · 16/07/2019 19:22

scotland32 totally agree.

alicelilac of course it is her wedding day, and she should have the wedding she wants. But other people’s lives and responsibilities are not suspended for the wedding day. OP cannot prioritise a wedding over ensuring her baby is fed.

I would say OP was being unreasonable if she expected her wish to attend the wedding with a baby overrode the bride’s wish for no children. The point is people have different priorities and people need to be respectful of that. OP is being respectful and isn’t demanding she be allowed to take baby. Why can’t the bride respect the OP’s position in return?

Lulu49 · 16/07/2019 19:23

Don’t go. Tell her your so disappointed that you can’t go but can’t do a 6 hour round trip with a three month old baby for an hours event.

LouH1981 · 16/07/2019 19:31

That’s ridiculous! At 12 weeks, my son would not have lasted 7 hours without a feed and he hated having a bottle. I can’t believe she is even asking. No way, I’m afraid your new little baby comes first. YANBU.

GoGoGoGoGo · 16/07/2019 19:34

you need to put your life aside for her special one day

No she doesn’t.

SuzieQQQ · 16/07/2019 19:35

@HigaDequasLuoff that’s a totally over the top reply. Especially about the car seat and being the sole source of nutrition. Hilarious! OP just ring her and say there’s no one who can look after your baby on the day with a sorry to miss the event and send flowers. A good friend will understand

ljer · 16/07/2019 19:37

If she can’t understand your predicament then she is not a close friend at all just a selfish bridezilla YANBU

Needcoffeecoffeecoffee · 16/07/2019 19:38

you need to put your life aside for her special one day

@AliceLilac op is not talking about not going because she has other appointments or fancies doing something else.
She has a baby which needs feeding. You know, to actually survive!
She's clearly considered all options and is worried and thinking about the bride. No need to be ridiculous and make op out to be inconsiderate
And if you are planning your own wedding I suggest you take some time out to think about your guests and their situations and feelings as well as your own

SwallowsInSpring · 16/07/2019 19:40

I’d also be concerned about doing that much driving on such little sleep! I didn’t a two hour drive when my son was 4 months and crashed the car. Oops. I mean it could have happened any time but I am sure that tiredness was a big factor in why I misjudged the situation and crashed rather than narrowly avoiding a crash which I think I might have managed if I’d been on top form!

GoGoGoGoGo · 16/07/2019 19:51

AliceLilac You sound like a bridezilla in the making.

DawgLover · 16/07/2019 19:57

Can't you just make the reply concise and clear? Along the lines of
"I'd love to come but the car journey both ways in one day is really too long for a new born and I can't leave her at home as she's EBF."

She's within her rights to have a child free, week day wedding but has to understand that rules some people out.

EllenMP · 16/07/2019 21:04

Just say you can't come to the wedding without the baby as you need to be able to feed her and you are not comfortable leaving her with a stranger at only 12 weeks. That is perfectly reasonable, as she would know if she had kids. If she really wants you there she will chill out and tell you to bring baby to wedding. If she doesn't do that, then it's all about her and not about your friendship and you should not worry more about your friendship than she does.

littlejlb · 16/07/2019 21:54

She's not being unreasonable by having a child free, week day wedding, but the bride (and her friends) is/are being unreasonable by demanding you be there. They clearly don't understand your situation with baby and feeding.

nuxe1984 · 16/07/2019 21:59

I don't consider babies to be in the same category as children at "child free weddings" especially if they're BF

Send your apologies. If she can't see that this is a problem for you then she's not really a friend ...

TheRedBarrows · 16/07/2019 22:05

AliceLilac “No one can look after the baby for 1 day? I find that hard to believe”

I know right!?

But someone will pop along in a minute and explain to you what breastfeeding actually is, and then you’ll find it easier.

ThanosSavedMe · 16/07/2019 22:07

AliceLilac in the nicest possible way, get a fucking grip.

If you really want the mother of a young baby at your wedding, you have to make allowances. The baby’s needs comes before the bride and everyone else’s needs.

user1471449295 · 16/07/2019 22:08

Don’t go. The bride doesn’t have to be more accommodating to one person. However, you don’t have to go and you shouldn’t have to feel this pressure

AJPTaylor · 16/07/2019 22:09

A polite no.

Drum2018 · 16/07/2019 22:11

i think i will send her a long message and explain why its not possible for me to attend

Absolutely no need for a long message. A decline card stating you cannot attend is more than enough. Wish her a lovely day and sign it off. If you start making excuses, giving explanations, it gives her reason to give options, which you simply don't want or need.

Sonicknuckles · 16/07/2019 22:12

YANBU to not attend in those circumstances

Goldmandra · 16/07/2019 22:23

@AliceLilac, nobody is forgetting whose day it is. If you feel like the people around you are doing that, it is likely that you have the importance of your wedding out of proportion. Take a step back and really carefully consider whether you are making unreasonable demands.

It should never even cross your mind that your wedding is more important than the well-being of a small baby or the comfort and safety of one of your friends.

Your day is about you but the joy of that day is in sharing it with the people who love you. You need them to be happy to make happy memories.

I had a no children wedding but we all enjoyed cooing over my cousin's 3 month old. I love the wedding photo I have of me and her together. I would have enjoyed my day less knowing that my cousin had left her with someone else and was unhappy, missing her and worrying about her.

di2004 · 16/07/2019 23:14

Your baby and other DC come first .. bridezilla is last on the pile!

BluebellsAndRoses · 16/07/2019 23:16

Fuck no!
Tell her no. No. No. No. no. No. No.

BluebellsAndRoses · 16/07/2019 23:19

@AliceLilac are you thick or trying to get a rise?

mummmy2017 · 17/07/2019 00:52

Omg you hooked a bridezilla...
Not your friend.
Let's hope she is normal....and loves you enough to not be hurt...