Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding dilemma

210 replies

Sugarspiceandeverythingnice · 15/07/2019 09:04

Another first world problem here....Shock

A close friend of mine from way back in school is getting married, i would still consider her a good friend but we have drifted apart over the years as i live alot further than all our other friends from the same group. So anyway shes getting married and is having a child free wedding (not entirely child free as her nieces and nephews are coming) and its during the week so not even a weekend. At the time of the wedding my newborn will be about 12 weeks and is EBF, shes made it perfectly clear that im not allowed to bring my DC.
Which would be fine if i lived local but i dont and i would be doing a total of 6 hours driving there and back on the same day, i cant leave my baby for that long, plus i dont have an option to stay as my elder children (3&4) will be at nursery/school and im already leaving them with a family friend who already has 3 of her own as my DH is working.

friend getting married has messaged me saying she understands i may not stay the whole day or for dinner as i cant bring the baby but would like me there for the ceremony (1 hour). all the other girls in the group think id be very unreasonable not to go as she is a close friend and she was there for mine. however none of them have kids and all live fairly local. id have to drive down with the baby and get someone to babysit for one hour local to venue and then drive back home on the same day.

would you go.or politely say no sorry. i know if i dont go my other friends would be really annoyed and theyve said how the bride would be upset, which i can understand! but why cant she or anyone else understand that a long drive with a small baby isnt easy and its tiring for me to. I really want to go but i feel sad that she cant be more accommodating and just allow me to bring the baby as i have literally no where to leave her.

OP posts:
MarieIVanArkleStinks · 15/07/2019 16:34

No issue at all with child-free weddings, if this happens to be the couple's preference. Children are noisy, can tend to get bored and act up when required to sit still for long periods, and in truth, not everyone loves children. As a parent I respect this. It can also shave a significant sum of money off the catering bill, and IMO is a fairly non-discriminatory way of doing so.

However - B&Gs do have to suck up the consequences of their choice. Go child free and they can hardly be shocked when parents of young children find it impossible to attend. Sticking their heads up their backsides about this is a classic case of wanting to have your cake and eat it; particularly when parents are respecting the B&Gs' diktats by not attending with DC in tow. As for framing those requests as: 'we want you to enjoy yourselves' [and thereby dictating the terms on which their guests do this] - go ram it. It's patronizing, dictatorial and disingenuous, and it fools absolutely no one. At least have the gumption to own your choice.

Bridey is an entitled Princess, OP, and as my old gran used to say, 'she'll just have to get happy again'. And if she doesn't, well, that's just too bad.

GrabbyGertie · 15/07/2019 18:16

We didn't have our own kid at our wedding. He was 18 months and spent the day with the childminder. It was great and we didn't miss him at all.😅

I had the opposite reaction to child free wedding once I had kids. I went from not minding them to preferring them. Kids are generally really annoying at weddings.

I've only had one wedding that I didn't attend because of the kids. I just politely declined the invitation as childcare would have been tricky at the time.

TheRedBarrows · 15/07/2019 18:50

“So sorry to miss your wedding but as my 12 week old is fed by me it just isn’t possible for me to leave her. I know you will have a wonderful day, can’t wait to see the pictures. Much love,xxx”

snackarella · 15/07/2019 19:14

This happened to me. Don't go. Not worth the hassle

olympicsrock · 15/07/2019 20:02

You would be bonkers to go. She is being massively unreasonable. Don’t put yourself through this your would be stressed and exhausted and she really doesn’t care about you.

olympicsrock · 15/07/2019 20:02

Think we are unanimous??

Original poster
Sugarspiceandeverythingnice · 15/07/2019 20:06

yourestandingonmyneck well this is the thing baby is 6 weeks now and she didnt come see me in my hometown which is a couple of hours away and now ive come to stay with my parents (about 45mins away from her) she hasnt been to see me here either. she did mention coming over before but i dont think ill be seeing her as im only here until the weekend and she works in the week.

the wedding is not midweek its a friday so still a working day/school day! a friend of mine whos not invited says she will happily babysit outside the venue and walk around with baby for the hour or 2 i need her.
the 3 hour drive is taking into consideration a break along the way to feed baby. i drove to my parents with all 3 children over the weekend (2 hour drive) and it was a nightmare had to stop because baby kept crying..it was a very hot day and it ended up taking 3 hours. i was extremely glad that i was staying and not having to drive back!

thank you to everyone who has replied i think i will send her a long message and explain why its not possible for me to attend. i also feel slightly less guilty now so thank you

OP posts:
MaverickSnoopy · 15/07/2019 20:17

I just can't imagine having a successful car journey with a small baby. I'm sure it must happen but I've not experienced it myself. We recently did a supposed 3 hour journey with our 8mo and other 2 children and it took 7 hours 😣. Ditto, a trip that should have taken just over and hour saw us getting home 3 hours later than planned. I swear I never want to travel again.

What would be soul destroying is agreeing to go and making all of your arrangements and even allowing for breaks and extra time, it all going wrong and you missing the wedding anyway.

I hope the bride is understanding. If she's not then I would ask her what she would do it your shoes and how she would make it work.

RonnieScotts · 15/07/2019 20:19

'Dear bridezilla, I'm so sorry I'll be unable to attend your wedding, as baby is express breastfeeding every few hours I am unable to leave them for very long, I feel the journey with baby on my own, and having to leave them with a relative stranger during the ceremony not an option. I'm really sad to be missing out on your special day, but I can't wait to see the photos'

Send them a lovely gift and another message on the morning saying you are thinking of them on their special day.

If your friends give you a hard time then I would suggest you start looking for better friends. It is an invitation and not a summons.

TheRedBarrows · 15/07/2019 20:21

It isn’t good for babies to spend so long in a car seat
www.nhs.uk/news/pregnancy-and-child/warning-over-babies-sleeping-in-car-seats/

crispysausagerolls · 15/07/2019 20:26

Yes - a long message is good. I would be at pains to explain in very, VERY clear detail why it doesn’t work (as I did to a childless friend who got annoyed that we couldn’t attend any of his regular 8pm beginning parties 1 hour away when DS was a newborn. A lengthy message about the minutiae of a newborn’a “routine” or lack thereof and all the fucking things which could go wrong set him straight 😂🤷🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤪)

YANBU

notmuchmoretogive · 15/07/2019 20:29

YANBU, she has no idea what having a small baby involves. Never mind the guidelines on reducing hours in a car seat for safety, the journey would be hell even without that worry.

foreverhanging · 15/07/2019 20:31

There's no fucking way I'd be going

beckywiththecraphair · 16/07/2019 17:57

Nope. I wouldn't go near it. She's being a fucker. It's a tiny baby that won't even take up space or cause any trouble and you're already inconveniencing your entire family because she has chosen to get married on a weekday.

A really nice card, "have a wonderful day, sorry I can't attend due to family obligations"

Fuck any "friend" who agrees with her too. I can't understand why some people think the world has to revolve around their poxy wedding, we see it so often here - people expecting old friends to drop their lives to go watch them get married. It's bollocks.

Scotland32 · 16/07/2019 18:30

Bride is NBU by not inviting your baby. Why should she? If I had made an exception for newborns at my wedding we’d have had 9 of them! No way. I now have children and still stick by my decision and would do the same again.
HOWEVER, bride is BU by demanding you go.
Do whatever you think best. She has to understand that her no babies rule might not work for you and that it may exclude some people.

AliceLilac · 16/07/2019 18:39

As someone who is planning a wedding, I feel like everyone forgets who’s day it is. If she considers you close enough that she really wants you at the ceremony - the most important part - you need to put your life aside for her special one day. No one can look after the baby for 1 day? I find that hard to believe

Angela712 · 16/07/2019 18:44

Alicelilac.
Your big day revolves around you, the world does not

Fififerry1 · 16/07/2019 18:47

One of my bridesmaids had a 6 week old baby when I got married. She couldn’t come to my hen night as very heavily pregnant, we had to wait until the last minute to see if she would need a different dress, she had to carry her baby down the aisle as he wouldn’t be held by anyone else.
And - guess what. It didn’t ruin my wedding. We had a fantastic day. He is in the photos. He is now 23 years old and in the RAF. I am still friends with his mother because I wasn’t a demanding unreasonable bridezilla. I’m afraid she is being VVU.

PooWillyBumBum · 16/07/2019 18:52

@AliceLilac have you had children? If so, would you have been happy to leave your baby for the day or do a three hour drive with them when only a few weeks old?

Come on, the bride won’t even have time to interact with OP for the hours ceremony anyway and when in early weeks of breastfeeding many haven’t yet got baby to use a bottle and therefore leaving for a whole day is impossible.

A wedding is a nice party and I enjoy them - in fact we took a good chunk of our annual leave and paid >£2000 to go to one abroad recently - but I don’t see attendance as obligatory.

strawberry2017 · 16/07/2019 18:54

She will understand one day when she has her own children that asking you to leave a EBF and go so far is utterly ridiculous. Your baby is priority, she actually is a terrible friend if she holds this against you.

itsabongthing · 16/07/2019 18:56

If she would be that upset and so desperately wants you at the ceremony then she could allow babes in arms which is quite normal at a child free wedding.
I would politely decline

Putthekettleonplease · 16/07/2019 18:59

That’s ridiculous. Wait till she has a baby. Then she will understand

HorridHenrysNits · 16/07/2019 19:00

If its only your day, you don't invite any guests.

Ginger1982 · 16/07/2019 19:00

@AliceLilac don't be ridiculous.

alohadaisy · 16/07/2019 19:07

yanbu let us know how it goes!