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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding dilemma

210 replies

Sugarspiceandeverythingnice · 15/07/2019 09:04

Another first world problem here....Shock

A close friend of mine from way back in school is getting married, i would still consider her a good friend but we have drifted apart over the years as i live alot further than all our other friends from the same group. So anyway shes getting married and is having a child free wedding (not entirely child free as her nieces and nephews are coming) and its during the week so not even a weekend. At the time of the wedding my newborn will be about 12 weeks and is EBF, shes made it perfectly clear that im not allowed to bring my DC.
Which would be fine if i lived local but i dont and i would be doing a total of 6 hours driving there and back on the same day, i cant leave my baby for that long, plus i dont have an option to stay as my elder children (3&4) will be at nursery/school and im already leaving them with a family friend who already has 3 of her own as my DH is working.

friend getting married has messaged me saying she understands i may not stay the whole day or for dinner as i cant bring the baby but would like me there for the ceremony (1 hour). all the other girls in the group think id be very unreasonable not to go as she is a close friend and she was there for mine. however none of them have kids and all live fairly local. id have to drive down with the baby and get someone to babysit for one hour local to venue and then drive back home on the same day.

would you go.or politely say no sorry. i know if i dont go my other friends would be really annoyed and theyve said how the bride would be upset, which i can understand! but why cant she or anyone else understand that a long drive with a small baby isnt easy and its tiring for me to. I really want to go but i feel sad that she cant be more accommodating and just allow me to bring the baby as i have literally no where to leave her.

OP posts:
alwaysalfred · 15/07/2019 12:23

Totally crazy to expect that

Thegreymethod · 15/07/2019 12:24

Another thought...... just don't go then text her a couple of days after as if you were there and tell her how beautiful it was, she looked etc she won't remember who she saw at the ceremony ...... Tom hardy could have been there in his underwear and I'd have been oblivious!! Wink

CurbsideProphet · 15/07/2019 12:25

@Thegreymethod babies and children are a bit cheaper than adults, but there's still a charge. We only found out recently. Unfortunately venues don't advertise the hidden charges! Luckily we have friends who have older children and reliable childcare options and that's saved us on 6 children.

This bride doesn't sound a v understanding friend, but there's the tiniest possibility that she is embarrassed to say they can't afford to have all children there too for the cost. Obviously if that's the case then she should just say so!

WhenOneFacePalmDoesntCutIt · 15/07/2019 12:28

Absolutely fine to want a child free wedding.

It is impossible for you, so just decline. If she gets upset, she is ridiculous.
A 6 hour drive for a 1 hour ceremony makes absolutely 0 sense to anyone.

bananasaidso · 15/07/2019 12:29

your kids are more important that these so called friends. Any good friend would understand that it is hard to leave a small baby like that just to go to a wedding that is far and that you have to leave your other kids behind as well. A good friend will be ok with you bringing your small baby with you and will be grateful that you came to her wedding despite your responsibilities. Anyone who gets annoyed or upset with you without understanding your circumstances is not a good friend.

Durgasarrow · 15/07/2019 12:33

Tell her you will joyfully watch the video.

NicciLovesSundays · 15/07/2019 12:44

Personally I wouldnt drive for 6 hours for the sake of a one hour ceremony. If it was possibly to take baby and another family member along to help look after them during the day so that you could in out and feed them then I would consider it but im not even convinced I would do that. To me children make a wedding more fun and while i understand that isnt everyones ideal wedding I think i would be disappointed having to make this decision.

Cheeseandwin5 · 15/07/2019 12:46

I would speak to her and put your point across, you are hearing her point of view from third parties and it may have been lost in translation.
Write down all the options you are willing to accept, so you wont regret agreeing to something later, and give her a call.
I hope you can both come to a happy agreement

yourestandingonmyneck · 15/07/2019 12:52

Agree you are definitely not being unreasonable and your friend sounds nuts.

As an aside, how old is your baby just now and has your friend made much effort to come and meet him/her?

Angech74 · 15/07/2019 12:56

Bollocks to that shit! No, you are definitely NBU. Your "friend" is being a total tit.

katseyes7 · 15/07/2019 13:00

That's ridiculous. How on earth does she expect you to leave your EBF baby!?
When l got married, my best friend's baby was 3 weeks old. She brought him and he was asleep in his pram at the back of the church during the service. Not a peep out of him. We didn't invite children 'as such' to the service and day reception (except for him, and my BIL's almost one year old), but of course he couldn't be left at home. My l knew in advance that he was so young, but l wanted my friend at my wedding. She said that if he started crying, her husband would take him outside, but it never happened.
l'd politely decline stating the circumstances (although she's well aware of them!) and enjoy a nice day at home with your baby. lf she takes umbrage, she's not a good friend.

Quaffy · 15/07/2019 13:04

There’s two separate issues:

Is the bride unreasonable for saying no to the baby coming?
Is the bride unreasonable for expecting OP to come without her baby?

Clearly the bride is being ridiculous about the second but as someone who invited the small babies to my wedding and had screaming and clattering at inopportune moments in the ceremony (which I don’t get a second chance at), I think she’s being reasonable as to point 1. Plus OP’s baby might not be the only baby.

I made a choice I would rather have my friends there and risk the noise disruption, but it’s her ceremony and if she doesn’t want OP there badly enough to take that risk then that’s her decision, but to then expect OP to go to that extreme effort to be there is just outrageous.

raviolidreaming · 15/07/2019 13:05

I really want to go but i feel sad that she cant be more accommodating and just allow me to bring the baby as i have literally no where to leave her

That's all you need to say. You don't need to defend yourself with car seat guidelines, explanations about how breastfeeding works, or anything else.

hibbledibble · 15/07/2019 13:09

Absolutely decline, I've never come across a wedding that excludes 'babes in arms' before. Especially tiny breastfed ones. They cost no money to host!

If she valued your presence this much then she would be willing to facilitate your attendance.

A polite decline, based on childcare reasons, is fine.

PreseaCombatir · 15/07/2019 13:11

Fuck that shit.
If bride and your other friends are childless, this is something they are going to look back on with absolute embarrassment when they have their own DC.

Cookit · 15/07/2019 13:14

I honestly wouldn’t consider this a dilemma.

The wedding is miles away and is child free. You have a young baby. Not possible.

daisyboocantoo · 15/07/2019 13:19

Absolutely no way. If they give you hassle, show them this thread.

Ridiculous that they even expect that of you.

MaverickSnoopy · 15/07/2019 13:28

It's impossible. So you either a) decline and explain why or b) wake up with horrific d&v. Depends on the "friendship".

TowerRingInferno · 15/07/2019 13:52

Just politely decline with only the briefest of explanations.

She will look back on this and cringe in years to come when she has her own children.

badg3r · 15/07/2019 13:53

Well tiny babies are not supposed to spend that long on a car seat for a start. They are being massively unreasonable. Just say sorry but you can't drive there and back in a day with baby and you can't leave them at home. So there is no other option.

This is not a massively popular opinion on here, but if/when they have their own kids, most of them as least will understand how this is not a good idea and that staying away is the sensible thing to do. If she is as good a friend as you say she is, she should support you.

Ayemama · 15/07/2019 14:01

It's sad because as soon as these friends have kids themselves they will realise how unreasonable it is that they are pressuring you to drive that distance to leave your baby with someone else for the sake of an hour.

I hope the friendship isn't ruined by this and if it is it's not you to blame.

Binglebong · 15/07/2019 14:09

Any chance you could ask someone to Skype the ceremony? Or ask her to ask them any way. Shows that you do want to be there and are trying to find a way to make it work.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable btw.

DorisDances · 15/07/2019 14:20

Last wedding I attended was child free with the explicit exception of babes in arms. She is being batshit to think you could leave or travel with such a tiny baby. Be gracious in your decline but absolutely don't go!

Ruminthebath · 15/07/2019 15:01

You’re obviously a loyal friend to be considering this, but let yourself off the hook because it’s a ridiculous idea to go for lots of reasons:
1- 6 hours of driving when you’re potentially sleep deprived from looking after such a small baby will be knackering and dangerous.
2- it will be more than 6 hours because at that age you’ll need to schedule stops so the baby isn’t in the car seat too long
3- your friends might be making a big deal of this, but the bride will honestly not notice on the day that you’re not there
4- who the hell would you even leave the baby with during the ceremony?

I went to a family wedding when my son was 10 weeks old. My partner did all the driving. We had a room in the hotel the wedding was in. There were lots of family there to help - but the reality was that we were both absolutely exhausted by it, because everyone forgets how tiring it is having a newborn! I wouldn’t have missed that wedding as it was a close family member - but in your situation there’s no need to feel guilty at all about sending a nice card saying you hope they have a lovely day. When your friends have babies they’ll get it. They probably don’t mean to be twats about it, they just don’t understand what an unreasonable ask it is.

EdtheBear · 15/07/2019 15:19

Why would you not have children at your wedding?

Main reasons are numbers or noise / kids running riot concerns.

DH and I were last in our friendship groups to get married.
We added up friends and cousins kids to a total of 38 children between 0-21. Over 18s do you need to give them a +1Confused. Can you invite one friends children but exclude another's because they are over 18?
Do you cut out some adults to get another friends kids in?

We ended up saying No to friends kids. Inviting my nieces and cousins kids on my side, mainly because I had at least met all my cousins kids and they would be company for my nieces.
I just don't think theirs an easy answer to invite lists at weddings doesn't matter where you draw the line somebody gets upset.

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