Wedding dilemma

[Sugarspiceandeverythingnice]

Another first world problem here....

A close friend of mine from way back in school is getting married, i would still consider her a good friend but we have drifted apart over the years as i live alot further than all our other friends from the same group. So anyway shes getting married and is having a child free wedding (not entirely child free as her nieces and nephews are coming) and its during the week so not even a weekend. At the time of the wedding my newborn will be about 12 weeks and is EBF, shes made it perfectly clear that im not allowed to bring my DC.
Which would be fine if i lived local but i dont and i would be doing a total of 6 hours driving there and back on the same day, i cant leave my baby for that long, plus i dont have an option to stay as my elder children (3&4) will be at nursery/school and im already leaving them with a family friend who already has 3 of her own as my DH is working.

friend getting married has messaged me saying she understands i may not stay the whole day or for dinner as i cant bring the baby but would like me there for the ceremony (1 hour). all the other girls in the group think id be very unreasonable not to go as she is a close friend and she was there for mine. however none of them have kids and all live fairly local. id have to drive down with the baby and get someone to babysit for one hour local to venue and then drive back home on the same day.

would you go.or politely say no sorry. i know if i dont go my other friends would be really annoyed and theyve said how the bride would be upset, which i can understand! but why cant she or anyone else understand that a long drive with a small baby isnt easy and its tiring for me to. I really want to go but i feel sad that she cant be more accommodating and just allow me to bring the baby as i have literally no where to leave her.

6 hours driving especially if you're only there for a 1 hour ceremony is a piss take. I would make your apologies and not go.

Any reasonable friend would understand.

Not sure a group of friends’ children count as ‘everyone that mattered’. When I got married I didn’t want to spend our fairly tight budget on the 26 children of my husband’s friends, many of whom I had never met.

Small babies are obviously the exception and should be included.

Dont enter discussions with them. RSVP no.

I skipped my cousin/best friend growing up's wedding because it was a Tuesday 3 hours away. I was on placement so would have had to take 2/3 days off and I was 6 months pregnant. I really could not find any motivation to try and make it work, we weren't close anymore. 3 years on I feel no guilt.

@HigaDequasLuoff
"I'm really sorry I can't be there. Even coming for the ceremony is impossible - (nibblet) should only be in a car seat for a maximum of 45 minutes at a time before a break so each 3 hour journey would take 4.5 hours. There's no one I can ask to come on a 10 hour jaunt with me for the privilege of looking after (nibblet) for an hour during the ceremony, and I can't leave (nibblet) at home as I am her sole source of nutrition and she can't be away from me for more than about 3 hours maximum. It is simply impossible. I will be with you in spirit and I am sure you will understand once all the stress of focusing on the wedding day subsides"

That is brilliant! OP send that!

Why would you not have children at your wedding?

With just the newborn alone, YANBU, with the other 2DC as well? YADNBU.

Who wouldn’t let a newborn attend? Your friend it crazy, don’t go it will be a massive stress and a pain for you!

Don't go. Explain that EBF means you cannot be away from baby for that long. If she's any kind of friend she'll understand.

Well, to be honest, she shouldn't be pressuring you to travel 6 hours with a newborn in the first place.

Three hours drive away would probably have made it a no for me to start with.

(Even if newborn could go).

A close friend wouldn't ask this of a new mother. She's being ridiculous!

I honestly wouldn't go, a 6 hour round trip for a 1 hour ceremony is beyond unreasonable.

I'm generally in favour of childfree weddings if that's what the bride and groom want, but they can't be offended if that means people aren't willing to attend. Childfree comes at a personal cost rather than a financial/perfect photo one.

No chance.
Baby is still really little and if you don't feel comfortable leaving her then don't. As you said you don't see this friend much any more so don't feel guilty at all, you have new priorities and she's the one who has chosen not to invite your baby. Don't go.

loulou when we married my husband’s friends had 26 non-family children between them. Our budget covered 110 people. So we said babes in arms and family children only. Otherwise we would have had to drop close friends for children we barely knew.

Babies very different of course.

I wouldn’t be especially polite when I declined.

She’s being a twat.

I wouldn't even send a long complicated explanation.

Just say,

"Hey Bride,

I'm really sorry, but Baby is too small to be left for the whole day, or to come with me, even if I had a babysitter for the 1 hour. I will be there with you in spirit! Have a wonderful day and I can't wait to catch up with you after the honeymoon.

How are things going with XYZ arrangements? Did ABC come through on the DEF? [i.e. move on with a new subject]

love,
Sugar
xxx

I wouldn’t go but I think we should all go to @FudgeBrownie2019 to see Tom in his underpants!!!!

There seems to be a huge inability to understand how breastfeeding works, particularly among bridal parties. I do get it that if you don’t have children you may never have spared a second to think about it, but surely one line of - “LOL at you idiots - of course I can’t leave my tiny baby to starve while I drive to and from a wedding ceremony” would give them a tiny pause for thought.

Chances are that even if you did all the driving for the one hour, that’s the precise point your baby would need to be fed and you’d end up missing most of it. People need to get over themselves on all this I’m-so-speshul wedding malarky.

As a mother who has experienced the 12-week stage of EBF: No. Straight no.

I struggled to find the time to shower and dress at this particular juncture, let alone take a 6-hour round trip (with the sum total of time a child that age can be in a carseat being 1-hour). That would likely bump up the 6-hour journey into 7-8 hours.

Bollocks to that noise.

I think that child free weddings should have a clause stating babies under a certain age e.g. a year are exempt, for exactly this reason. It's not like the baby will be eating a meal or running around.

Has she said why it's a child free wedding? My venue charge full price for everyone, including newborns, which is a nightmare. Obviously YANBU to go and she is B U to not apologise that you can't bring the baby and accept you won't be able to attend.

I'd be saying no. She probably has no idea how difficult what she is asking actually is if she hasn't had children.

Not much of a dilemma 😅 I would politely decline and not give it another thought. Your ‘friends’ are not very nice and a bit thick by trying to guilt trip you into going. Just say no and don’t be wish washy about it.

OP, obviously, there's no question but that you should do the 6 hour round trip (plus stops for baby comfort) and pay for a nurse-maid to be in attendance to look after the baby whilst you're in church for an hour. I bet the bride would do the same for you! (Huh!)
CurbsideProphet - that's ridiculous, by what logic can your venue charge for a babe-in-arms who won't need space or food at the venue? That's dreadful. What are they afraid of - vandalism by toddlers?

your friend is being bridezilla definitely decline

"It's not that I don't want to, it's that it is not possible"

Someones being VU and it isn't you. She's not a friend. She's either clueless about babies and travelling and life in general. Or she's total arsehole. I go for the second as the most likely explanation.

Tell her and the rest of the group to fuck off.