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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding dilemma

210 replies

Sugarspiceandeverythingnice · 15/07/2019 09:04

Another first world problem here....Shock

A close friend of mine from way back in school is getting married, i would still consider her a good friend but we have drifted apart over the years as i live alot further than all our other friends from the same group. So anyway shes getting married and is having a child free wedding (not entirely child free as her nieces and nephews are coming) and its during the week so not even a weekend. At the time of the wedding my newborn will be about 12 weeks and is EBF, shes made it perfectly clear that im not allowed to bring my DC.
Which would be fine if i lived local but i dont and i would be doing a total of 6 hours driving there and back on the same day, i cant leave my baby for that long, plus i dont have an option to stay as my elder children (3&4) will be at nursery/school and im already leaving them with a family friend who already has 3 of her own as my DH is working.

friend getting married has messaged me saying she understands i may not stay the whole day or for dinner as i cant bring the baby but would like me there for the ceremony (1 hour). all the other girls in the group think id be very unreasonable not to go as she is a close friend and she was there for mine. however none of them have kids and all live fairly local. id have to drive down with the baby and get someone to babysit for one hour local to venue and then drive back home on the same day.

would you go.or politely say no sorry. i know if i dont go my other friends would be really annoyed and theyve said how the bride would be upset, which i can understand! but why cant she or anyone else understand that a long drive with a small baby isnt easy and its tiring for me to. I really want to go but i feel sad that she cant be more accommodating and just allow me to bring the baby as i have literally no where to leave her.

OP posts:
MaverickSnoopy · 19/07/2019 14:29

I really think that having children brings out the worst in some people (not you). I have seen or read about so many cases of people falling out over things like this where friends don't understand what it can be like to have children and how you need to prioritise their needs. Hopefully your friend won't be one of those people, but if she is at least you know now and can move on.

Ticklemeelmo · 19/07/2019 15:58

She is perfectly entitled to exclude children from her wedding, there are a lot of posters here who appear to miss the point of this- babies might not cost anything to include but they can scream the place down.

What is totally unreasonable is her expectation that you will make a 6 hour round trip to attend without your baby. Anyone wanting a child-free wedding needs to accept this will come with the risk of guests not attending, she can't have it both ways.

nanbread · 22/07/2019 20:08

I hope your friend has sent an understanding reply by now OP

NeonLights · 22/07/2019 20:17

If you don't hear back, or get something rude in reply, then it's her loss not yours!

IMO it is outrageous to expect a "friend" to travel to attend a wedding when they a small newborn baby (ESP one that is EBF). It's her decision to not allow your baby to be there - not yours. So she can live with the consequences!

15YemenRoad · 22/07/2019 22:10

She is absolutely allowed to refuse to have a children at her wedding, that does not make her a bridezilla. However, you are not being unreasonable to take into consideration your personal circumstances.

What you need to do is explain to her in the nicest way possible that you would absolutely love to be there and celebrate with her but unfortunately it is not plausible as you cannot leave the little one. You make her understand you have exhausted each avenue and cannot figure out a way to make it work.

Then you can offer to catch up when the wedding is over with? Perhaps invite her and husband over for dinner when they're available post-wedding.

If she doesn't wish to understand then leave her to it. There's not much else you can do, the distance and the other children make this all rather complicated. If it was more local then I am sure a more possible plan would be doable.

No reasonable person would make you feel that you are being unreasonable. Your reason(s) for not being able to attend in this instance is very valid.

I hope she is able to understand and that you are able to catch up post-wedding.

Nonnymum · 22/07/2019 22:15

I think it's perfectly OK for you not to go. She is being unreasonable to expect you to attend and so are your friends. Just say you can't attend. If it's OK for her to have. A child free wedding it's OK for people who have children to say they can't attend.

Nonnymum · 22/07/2019 22:40

alicelilac a baby is much more important than a wedding. Her baby is breast fed, many breast fed babies will not take a bottle. How could she leave him with anyone for a day? And why should she distress her baby and herself just to please a veey selfish bride?

strawberry2017 · 09/08/2019 11:53

Any updates OP? X

MyKingdomForACaramel · 09/08/2019 11:59

I do get why she won’t make an exception for newborns - other people get pissed off,, but she’s being completely unreasonable to expect you to come.

Original poster
Sugarspiceandeverythingnice · 21/08/2019 01:09

She messaged me back a few days later saying its okay and she understands, the weddings in a couple of days so ill send her a nice card and some flowers. I am sad to be missing it but my kids come first. Thank you all for helping me to make up my mind and making me feel less guilty xx

OP posts:
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