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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding dilemma

210 replies

Sugarspiceandeverythingnice · 15/07/2019 09:04

Another first world problem here....Shock

A close friend of mine from way back in school is getting married, i would still consider her a good friend but we have drifted apart over the years as i live alot further than all our other friends from the same group. So anyway shes getting married and is having a child free wedding (not entirely child free as her nieces and nephews are coming) and its during the week so not even a weekend. At the time of the wedding my newborn will be about 12 weeks and is EBF, shes made it perfectly clear that im not allowed to bring my DC.
Which would be fine if i lived local but i dont and i would be doing a total of 6 hours driving there and back on the same day, i cant leave my baby for that long, plus i dont have an option to stay as my elder children (3&4) will be at nursery/school and im already leaving them with a family friend who already has 3 of her own as my DH is working.

friend getting married has messaged me saying she understands i may not stay the whole day or for dinner as i cant bring the baby but would like me there for the ceremony (1 hour). all the other girls in the group think id be very unreasonable not to go as she is a close friend and she was there for mine. however none of them have kids and all live fairly local. id have to drive down with the baby and get someone to babysit for one hour local to venue and then drive back home on the same day.

would you go.or politely say no sorry. i know if i dont go my other friends would be really annoyed and theyve said how the bride would be upset, which i can understand! but why cant she or anyone else understand that a long drive with a small baby isnt easy and its tiring for me to. I really want to go but i feel sad that she cant be more accommodating and just allow me to bring the baby as i have literally no where to leave her.

OP posts:
Zippetydoodahzippetyay · 15/07/2019 11:18

Not a chance I would go if so couldn't take my breast fed baby. Every child free wedding I have attended has had an exception for "babes in arms".

HuggedTheRedwoods · 15/07/2019 11:19

I'd definitely be declining. Bride is being ridiculous - especially as it isn't really a child free wedding, if nephews and nieces are there. Your friends sound like playground bullies too. Put yourself and children first.

dottiedodah · 15/07/2019 11:21

I would just say No TBH.She is being unreasonable .Nobody could do a 6 hour drive while EBF !.Let alone the fact you have to find a babysitter while there!Totally unworkable .Just say you would love to come ,but just too far and send her a nice card/present instead!.Real friends would understand ,if they make a fuss then are they really so nice?

Babyblues052 · 15/07/2019 11:23

There is absolutely no way I'd go. I'd be less likely too as well after her attitude.

Quaffy · 15/07/2019 11:23

Definitely don’t go. That is a massive effort to have to make and for her to expect it of you is very unreasonable.

I actually understand her not wanting a baby in her ceremony, but she needs to accept that as a result of that decision some people won’t be able to go.

WyncyG · 15/07/2019 11:25

Midweek wedding, you'll lose some guests.
Childfree wedding, you'll lose some guests.
Maybe the pressure is coming from the fact only 50% of invitees are even turning up?
Never heard of babes in arms being excluded from a wedding. I know little ones can spoil a ceremony for guests (people said they couldn't hear my vows - I didn't even notice!) but you can always slide out if necessary. And that is the offer I would make; you will go to all of that massive effort if only she allows baby to be there. She is being incredibly unreasonable, your baby depends on you physically!
I'm sure she and your other friends will cringe when they have their own.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 15/07/2019 11:30

What a cow! No dont go, shes made it as difficult as possible.
You can guarantee that even if you found a way there would be no gratitude for you bending over backwards to do so.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/07/2019 11:31

I know I was clueless before I had dd. But i listened to what people told me. OTOH this is just arrogant. Bridezilla deffo. In spades.

I am not sure how you get across to her how unreasonable she is being. “I cannot leave my baby as she will starve. I am her soul source of nutrition.”

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/07/2019 11:31

Soul oops. Sole!

mummmy2017 · 15/07/2019 11:38

Send this message....
Dear xccc.
I so wanted to be at your wedding and see you married, but with baby I just can't do it, there is no way I can stay over as I need to collect my children at the end of the day, and as I am breast feeding baby, I can't be away for over seven hours.
I am so upset to be missing your day, I hope you will forgive my absences, and would be willing to meetup after your honeymoon so you can let me see all the pictures and have a catch up....

Blondebakingmumma · 15/07/2019 11:42

Politely decline

Ijustwanttoretire · 15/07/2019 11:43

Don't go. my niece was getting married and had a child free wedding, we couldn't get a baby sitter for our DC so DH went on his own. I was fine with that.

roundbottomflask · 15/07/2019 11:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RockinHippy · 15/07/2019 11:52

If your friend wants you there, she needs to climb the fuck down off that ridiculous bridezilla high horse of hers Hmm

She is being ridiculous & I would be refusing to go in this situation

womenspeakout · 15/07/2019 11:54

Don't go.

How on earth are you supposed to manage those conditions. Even if you make the drive there for the hour, where are you supposed to find a babysitter in a new area? You can't be expected to leave a baby with just anyone.

It's different if she doesn't want lots of kids, or ones she has to feed and entertain, but a BF baby, no. If you mean that much to her she should say bring the baby too.

cravingmilkshake · 15/07/2019 11:55

She is being unreasonable. I had a child free wedding in August last year- with the exception of 6 nieces and nephews under 10 and one of my husbands uni friends had asked if they could bring their baby because of the same reasons and of course we said yes!

urbanlife · 15/07/2019 11:55

Op your friend has placed restrictions, which is her choice of course, but she has made it impossible for you to attend.

'Bride, I would love to see you get married, however I can not leave my very young baby for so many without feeding her. I totally understand and respect your choice to not have babies and children in attendance for your wedding.
I hope you have a lovely day, and I look forward to seeing all the photos soon'

You may find that she/your other friends are annoyed, but how can they even be friends when they have not considered even for a minute, how difficult/impossible this is for you.

If they are nasty about this, I would see that as a good opportunity to let the friendships come to an organic ending.

The bride is being completely U!

urbanlife · 15/07/2019 11:58

If she is desperate for you to be there then she would have no problem with the baby coming too, given the logistics.

I would not be going under any circumstances with such a young baby, little children in nursery and school miles and miles away, a six hour drive with such a young baby could be an absolute nightmare!!!!!!

RockinHippy · 15/07/2019 12:02

Why the polite refusal advice when bridezilla is being ridiculous Confused should be more along the lines of...

Hi bridezilla, we seem to have hit an impasse of understanding as regards my being a new mum to an EBF newborn & how that, compounded by distance affects my ability to attend your wedding child free. I do understand & respect that you want your day to be how you want it to be. Though I admittedly struggle to see how an EBF newborn falls into the same category as "children" as they are not running around & have a biological need to be with their mum, making my being away from them so long an impossibility. I really want to attend your wedding as you are important to me, but unfortunately your ruling that I can't bring my baby along makes that an impossibility, so as sad as I am not to be part of your important day, I'm sadly forced to decline the invite p"

Goldmandra · 15/07/2019 12:04

If you did go for the ceremony, the most she would interact with you is a "Hello, you look amazing, beautiful venue" kiss kiss.

Is it really worth putting yourself through any stress for that conversation?

AnnieCat84 · 15/07/2019 12:04

I would decline! I think she's being very unreasonable.

Even if she invited your baby along too - you still have to do a very long journey with a 12 week old - which in itself is not ideal or easy!

One of my bridesmaids had a baby the same age as yours when I got married. The baby came and she went off to feed her when needed and did what she needed to do. I wouldn't have dreamt of excluding her baby.

AnnieCat84 · 15/07/2019 12:05

@Goldmandra you are so right! There's a possibility she'd be barely acknowledged. A lot of effort and for what?

Thegreymethod · 15/07/2019 12:08

Don't go! She's putting you in an impossible position, if you being there was that important then she'd say just come to the ceremony and bring the baby!! I think she's just getting a bit power crazy and if you don't go she'll probably realise after the wedding how unreasonable she was being (especially if she goes on to have children of her own!)

Thegreymethod · 15/07/2019 12:14

@CurbsideProphet WHAT!!! your venue actually charged for new born babies? And same price as an adult? That is scandalous!!

Knittedfairies · 15/07/2019 12:21

I do hope the bride remembers this ask if ever she's a new mother.

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