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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH coming home at 3:30am on a week night

213 replies

LackofsleepX · 12/07/2019 06:47

So last night Thursday my ‘D’H went out on a works event. We both have to be up for work the following day. I get up at 6:30am. He promised he would be back by 11pm. At 11pm he text to say he was still in the restaurant. I decide to go to bed. I don’t sleep very well when I’m in the bed on my own so I woke up at 2am to find ‘D’H to still not be home. At this point I worry why he is not back so I text him. I did send an arsey text coz he has done this before on a work night. He said he has gone out drinking and is in a club/bar. He comes home eventually at 3:30am.

So my question is AIBU to expect him to come home at a reasonable hour in the week?

Also AIBU to if he is going to be later than the time he said he should text me to let me know and then if I wake up in the night I will see the text that he is ok?

When he got in we started arguing and I believe we we both in the wrong for that aspect.

OP posts:
saffy1234 · 12/07/2019 06:49

No you are not being unreasonable.
Mine used to do this but the ironic thing is if i were to ever do it (I didn't) he would of 100% been annoyed.

Messyisthenewtidy · 12/07/2019 06:50

Yanbu. It’s just courtesy.

PotteringAlong · 12/07/2019 06:50

Did he get up and go to work the next day? If so then YABU

LellyMcKelly · 12/07/2019 06:51

As a one off it’s no big deal. If it was every week then it becomes an issue.

ShrinkWrap · 12/07/2019 06:52

It would be good for him to let you know if you are going to worry. However he is also a grown-up (I assume) so not sure why you get to dictate his social life. You haven’t mention children or other responsibilities that he would miss as a result of his actions...

Original poster
LackofsleepX · 12/07/2019 06:53

@saffy1234 thank you for replying. He genuinely doesn’t see what he did wrong. And he says it’s my issue not his. He needs to go out like this for his career which I think is nonsense. I get that he needs to go out but he doesn’t need to stay out so late.

OP posts:
louise5754 · 12/07/2019 06:53

Him staying out later than expected is not a big deal but keeping you awake whilst you have to get up early is not on.

KatherineJaneway · 12/07/2019 06:53

I'd be annoyed but if it was a one off I'd let it go.

Original poster
LackofsleepX · 12/07/2019 06:54

He has decided that he will take the day off Friday. But I’m not able to do that so I’m now going to be really tired at work.

OP posts:
Original poster
LackofsleepX · 12/07/2019 06:56

This isn’t the first time he has done this. Last time he attended a work event he told me he would be home and then turned up at 3:30am on a Friday morning when we both had work the next day.

He phoned me to let him in because he said he had lost his key. The following morning he found his key in his pocket.

OP posts:
Runningonempty84 · 12/07/2019 06:59

I think YAB a bit U. It's up to him what time he stays out until. And it might well be expected for his job.

But it's not on if he wasn't honest with you about when he'd be back, and also kept you awake.

I'd let this one go.

Isatis · 12/07/2019 07:02

I don't see a problem with him being out late during the week, it's him who will have to deal with the consequences. However, he should certainly let you know in advance and keep you informed if his plans change.

DtPeabodysLoosePants · 12/07/2019 07:02

Please don't have children with this man. I have an exH like this. He stayed the same after having dc and didn't see the problem of me being kept awake all night by the baby who knew he wasn't there and woke hourly and by worrying about him. He's told you clearly that he doesn't care about your feelings and has no consideration for you. Nothing wrong with him going out but it's the lack of consideration that's the issue. And don't let him tell you that you are being controlling either. That's text book with men like this.

SunnySomer · 12/07/2019 07:02

To be honest it wouldn’t occur to me to stay up and worry. My dh routinely needs to entertain/go for dinners etc in the evenings and if he’s not self-disciplined enough to go home at a sensible time it’s his problem. I need my sleep so I get my sleep.

Hirsutefirs · 12/07/2019 07:04

This reply has been deleted

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NeatFreakMama · 12/07/2019 07:06

So my question is AIBU to expect him to come home at a reasonable hour in the week?

YABU

Also AIBU to if he is going to be later than the time he said he should text me to let me know and then if I wake up in the night I will see the text that he is ok?

YANBU

newmomof1 · 12/07/2019 07:25

YABU for trying to give him a curfew.

YANBU to expect him to tell you he'll be later than planned.
My OH occasionally doesn't bother to tell me he'll be later than expected because "you'll be pissed off with me".
I'm much more pissed off when I'm awake at 2am worrying and he's having a great time 🙄

rwalker · 12/07/2019 07:25

Your his wife not his mum why wait up for him he's an adult. Your fault you are tired should of just gone to bed.

Parky04 · 12/07/2019 07:25

Poster above is spot on.

kmammamalto · 12/07/2019 07:27

I think you're overreacting. It's not his fault you can't sleep when he's not there. As others have said, if it's every week it's an issue.
Lots of jobs involve smoozing clients, I know male and female friends who feel they have to go out and do this for their career. I used to be so jealous as it's usually free! Now I'm older I'm not jealous at all. I like to be in bed early!

Original poster
LackofsleepX · 12/07/2019 07:28

@rwalker I didn’t wait up for him. I went to bed as normal. I woke up at 2am and wondered where he was.

OP posts:
CoffeeRunner · 12/07/2019 07:30

I would have just carried on my weeknight routine as normal TBH. Dinner, TV, bath & bed at my usual time - whatever that would normally be for you.

I wouldn’t be annoyed or over concerned that he had stayed out so late. But he was pretty thoughtless not to just send you a quick text letting you know he was safe & well as he had previously said he’d be back by 11.

YANBU to be pissed off about the occasion where he woke you up at 3.30 to let him in!

Happyspud · 12/07/2019 07:30

YABU. You’re not his mum and it’s your fault you’re tired. I’d find it extremely controlling if my DH acted like you are.

He should have texted to say he’d be later.

Thewheelsarefallingoff · 12/07/2019 07:31

My DH always does this when he goes on a work meal. I used to get worried and wake up if he wasn't home. Now I expect it to happen and generally sleep a lot better. It does mean I have to prepare for getting the DCs to school before work, even if he was going to do the school run. It's every 3 months max, so I let it go.

Dollywilde · 12/07/2019 07:33

Ha, my DH rolled in at 2.30 this morning when he said he’d be 12 latest. We’re up at 7am for work and he’s just headed off. I was asleep so didn’t care he was later than planned....

I’m not going to say YABU but personally, I see my DH as a grown adult and if he’s late, there’s a 0.00001% something has gone wrong and a 99.99999% chance he’s having a good time on someone’s expense account, so I’ll play the averages.

He shouldn’t wake you, but it happens - if you’re the type to wake up when someone gets into bed you’ll wake to loads of stuff in the night. Just got to learn to roll over and go back to sleep!

I have to say I can’t understand the perspective of ‘it’s abuse/don’t have kids with him Hmm’