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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH coming home at 3:30am on a week night

213 replies

LackofsleepX · 12/07/2019 06:47

So last night Thursday my ‘D’H went out on a works event. We both have to be up for work the following day. I get up at 6:30am. He promised he would be back by 11pm. At 11pm he text to say he was still in the restaurant. I decide to go to bed. I don’t sleep very well when I’m in the bed on my own so I woke up at 2am to find ‘D’H to still not be home. At this point I worry why he is not back so I text him. I did send an arsey text coz he has done this before on a work night. He said he has gone out drinking and is in a club/bar. He comes home eventually at 3:30am.

So my question is AIBU to expect him to come home at a reasonable hour in the week?

Also AIBU to if he is going to be later than the time he said he should text me to let me know and then if I wake up in the night I will see the text that he is ok?

When he got in we started arguing and I believe we we both in the wrong for that aspect.

OP posts:
leafygarden · 12/07/2019 07:54

There's a lot of idiots posting this morning.

Of course your H is unreasonable in not letting you know what time he'll be in. It's selfish and rude of him.

And no OP - you do not have an anxiety problem as a lot of posters seem to think Confused

You care about where your partner is and expect him to act like a grown up (not an irresponsible adolescent) and have the common courtesy to let you know where he is. Any night he should be doing this -

I'd be more concerned that he has a problem with alcohol ie getting so drunk he can't function the next day. Lack of self control - especially when he misses work the next day.

Shoxfordian · 12/07/2019 07:55

Yabu
It sounds like you have some anxiety and that's for you to work on, not for him to fix for you. Why do you even need to text him when he's out? Leave him to it!

Original poster
LackofsleepX · 12/07/2019 08:00

Just to be clear he’s not having the day off because he had too much to drink. He’s not hungover.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 12/07/2019 08:02

What kind of job does he do where he has to stay out until 3 am and can just casually take the next day off?

CrumpetyTea · 12/07/2019 08:04

Are you annoyed he didn't tell you he would be going out til late or annoyed he went til late?
the first- I think you are being reasonable to expect him to let you know if he'll be late or not in case you are worried etc
But the latter- as long as it doesn't affect you in that he doesn't need letting in/does all his shares of chores etc- I think its fine

I have to be honest- I generally tell/remind my partner I'm going out and say whether I'll be late or not- but sometimes it doesn't go according to plan..

Original poster
LackofsleepX · 12/07/2019 08:06

Accountancy. He works in a terrible firm where a lot of the key people go out a lot and treat their wives horribly.

OP posts:
testingtesting111 · 12/07/2019 08:06

I think you're being a little unreasonable. I really don't understand the need to give/agree a return time before going out. All my husband and I say is have fun, see you when you get back, just text to let each other know when on way back. Setting deadlines that are then missed often escalates things.

I suspect when your husband received the where are you text, he knew you were annoyed and didn't want to engage in an angry exchange which would only end up being repeated when he returned home.

I've been in your husbands position and stayed out much later than planned on a work night. I also forgot to update him. The text I received was "hope all is ok?"

GotToGoMyOwnWay · 12/07/2019 08:08

Par for the course for lawyers bankers & accountants- YABU.

I know if dh has a work do not yo expect him before 2/3

Myheartbelongsto · 12/07/2019 08:09

I cannot see the problem here, he's a grown man, he went out, he came home!

So he didn't text that he would be home later, honestly cannot understand why so may women get pissed off at this.

BillieEilish · 12/07/2019 08:11

This is hilarious, the PP who said 'you don't know what problems are' is spot on.

Of course YABVU.

NoSauce · 12/07/2019 08:11

I am a worrier about most things are you being treated for this OP?

foreverhanging · 12/07/2019 08:12

See I wouldn't be too bothered if it was just once in a while. I don't ask my dh when he is due back because he goes out so rarely. What I do not like is being woken up because said drunk person has lost a key or cant find the bed etc - that's when I get pissed off!

testingtesting111 · 12/07/2019 08:15

@p@GotToGoMyOwnWay agreed. It is par for the course in those industries especially in the City. I'd love nothing more than no pressure to go out.

Myheartbelongsto · 12/07/2019 08:17

I 'm an Accountant and I'm impressed that they all stayed out that long!

pictish · 12/07/2019 08:24

Yabu to think he should be home for a certain time...even during the week, as that’s his call not yours.
Yanbu to have expected a quick text to let you know he was staying out. My dh and I expect one another to give a wee heads up like that.

Problem is, people often intend to go home for 11 say, but get pulled into the general goings on/another quick drink etc...then lose track of time and get drunk so the courtesy text gets forgotten about. It might be slack...it might be inconsiderate...but it happens a lot.

Clutterbugsmum · 12/07/2019 08:25

Well as he taken today of he will have time to do all those jobs you usually do at the weekend won't he.

I'd leave a list of all the jobs that need to be done. And if he doesn't do them that I would be just sorting myself and dc out tonight and the weekend.

And I would be telling him why, it is totally unacceptable behavior for a adult to behave.

newmomof1 · 12/07/2019 08:34

OP i think you should just be grateful you've got through the whole thread without someone convincing you he was out so late because he was cheating 🙄

Although I have seen MN's second favourite post "I'd be worried that he might be an alcoholic if he's out that late".

People are ridiculous....

I don't think you need to 'work on' anything with regards to knowing when he's not next to you in bed - that's completely normal.
I also think you qualify as one of the 'cool wives' for not texting/calling to ask where he was when you noticed he wasn't back at 2am.

BillieEilish · 12/07/2019 08:37

'Leave him a list of jobs?' FFS, WHY? I don't even think there are DC's. He has taken the day off.

He stayed out 'till 3am with WORK. No big woop. Really, get over it. Do so fast.

PianoTuner567 · 12/07/2019 08:38

I'd leave a list of all the jobs that need to be done.

FGS, why?! Why would you punish him like a child?

Tiredtessy · 12/07/2019 08:38

Have you got kids? If not he’s a grown man and can do what he want, it’s not his fault you can’t sleep alone, that sounds childish, and he’s the one who has to go to work with a hangover so his problem, if it was every night fine if not leave him alone, I’m in my late 30’s and still sometime do that, it’s my problem I’m tired no one else’s!

LemonTT · 12/07/2019 08:40

I would say that you might be right to be a bit peeved he didn’t update you on his change of plans. But you know he was on a night out and it was getting big. What started out as drinks escalated into a meal and then predictably clubbing. It’s a path well trodden and most people would have assumed this is what happened. This should be a working assumption of what will happen.

It didn’t need an arguement and it doesn’t need an online debate. He should apologise and you can accept he can decide what time he comes home at and change his mind.

This may not sound nice but it is a perspective. I would not be comfortable with some of your expectations. There is a combination of needy and controlling in what you have said here that sounds like manipulation. It would cause me to question things with you.

TheChain · 12/07/2019 08:43

@Clutterbugsmum

it is totally unacceptable behavior for a adult to behave

Jesus Christ he’s done it twice! 🤦🏼‍♀️ If my DP tried to “punish” me for coming home late from a work function (which didn’t affect the OP in anyway whatsoever other than her being a clingy restless sleeper) then I would consider that controlling behaviour and not put up with it to be honest.
He’s taken a day off, so what? Does OP use all of her annual leave to do everything around the house so her DH doesn’t have to, just because she dared to have a day off? Seriously, if it were that way round there would be cries of LTB

CherryPavlova · 12/07/2019 08:43

He sounds very lucky not to have a hangover. It’s a one off. I think a touch peeved rather than voting buttons.
I’d say you are jealous and being punitive.

ShirleyPhallus · 12/07/2019 08:47

Although I have seen MN's second favourite post "I'd be worried that he might be an alcoholic if he's out that late".

Agreed. Good to see other accusations that he “isn’t behaving like an adult” for being out so late.

OP, you need to work on your anxiety and being able to sleep without him.

JacquesHammer · 12/07/2019 08:47

All the posters saying “he’s a grown man”, wouldn’t one reasonably expect a grown man to be courteous enough to communicate if plans have changed?