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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH coming home at 3:30am on a week night

213 replies

LackofsleepX · 12/07/2019 06:47

So last night Thursday my ‘D’H went out on a works event. We both have to be up for work the following day. I get up at 6:30am. He promised he would be back by 11pm. At 11pm he text to say he was still in the restaurant. I decide to go to bed. I don’t sleep very well when I’m in the bed on my own so I woke up at 2am to find ‘D’H to still not be home. At this point I worry why he is not back so I text him. I did send an arsey text coz he has done this before on a work night. He said he has gone out drinking and is in a club/bar. He comes home eventually at 3:30am.

So my question is AIBU to expect him to come home at a reasonable hour in the week?

Also AIBU to if he is going to be later than the time he said he should text me to let me know and then if I wake up in the night I will see the text that he is ok?

When he got in we started arguing and I believe we we both in the wrong for that aspect.

OP posts:
ComeAndDance · 12/07/2019 07:34

I get the not sleeping well. It happens to me when H is going out for his hobby and I’m, subconsciously, wondering if he has come back home ok.
As your DH has form to come back much later than planned, to ‘loose’ his keys etc.... I’m not surprised you didn’t sleep well.

SandraOhshair · 12/07/2019 07:34

So hes done it twice?

No big deal from me, but I work somewhere where occasional school night drinks happen, and I go. It does help make work connections.
Thank god my DH didn't post on here otherwise hed be advised not to have kids with me. Crazy.
Every week would be a poor show, but occasionally? Get him to sleep in the spare room and tie a key round his neck.

Monday55 · 12/07/2019 07:36

I don’t sleep very well when I’m in the bed on my own so I woke up at 2am

You use him as a pacifier? Hmm

ComeAndDance · 12/07/2019 07:36

I think it was very thoughtless to not let you know he wouod be back later than ‘planned’ (fwiw I dont think his plan was to be back ‘early’) esp if he knew you would be worried/wondered where he was.

TheChain · 12/07/2019 07:37

From my experience the world of lawyers / banking / surveyors etc Thursdays after work are treated like the weekend. We all go out and entertain clients, have events or socials that aren’t compulsory but it’s pretty frowned upon if you don’t ever go.
Loads of business deals get done over dinners and nights out believe it or not.
I think 3am was a bit excessive but if staying out that late is only occasional then YABU.
As long as he’s not bothering you to look after him when he’s hungover I can’t see what the issue is... It’s not his fault you’re so clingy you can’t sleep without him Hmm

A courtesy text to next time to say he doesn’t know when he’ll be back would be nice though

BigusBumus · 12/07/2019 07:37

Your husband is an adult and able to make his own choices about what he does. If that means getting pissed and having a laugh at a work do then that's his look out and personally I think you have no say in that.

What he should do, of course, is to have the courtesy to let you know he'll be late and perhaps sleep on the sofa once in to avoid disturbing you.

lastqueenofscotland · 12/07/2019 07:38

YABU my DP is an adult who managed to go on nights out before I met him without anyone waiting up. I’d have gone to bed. Made a rod for your own back

Original poster
LackofsleepX · 12/07/2019 07:39

@Monday55 no I don’t use him as a pacifier. But when you sleep next to someone for years, I subconsciously am aware that the bed doesn’t feel right. I also get worried why he is not home.

I am a worrier about most things. I understand that is my issue to work on but I thought that being in a relationship my DH should help me not to worry and not just leave me to deal with my own issues.

OP posts:
PianoTuner567 · 12/07/2019 07:40

Wouldn’t bother me. He’s the one that has to get up in the morning! As for worrying about him at 2am, he’s a grown man, not a child. I’d be fast asleep!

Dollywilde · 12/07/2019 07:41

@LackofsleepX there’s a very big difference between ‘supporting you with your issues’ and ‘not doing things he wants to do because he’s worried you’re going to have a tantrum’ Hmm

ComeAndDance · 12/07/2019 07:41

@Monday55 oh fgs, because you never sleep very lightly because you are wondering if your DH is ok as he isn’t back home at the time he is supposed to?

My H goes out for his hobby nearly every week, on a weekday. He is normally back home at 12.00am. Even after 15 years, I still wake up around 12.00am to ‘check’ he is back. It’s called looking out for the person you love, not needing a pacifier or being controlling etc....

MojoMoon · 12/07/2019 07:44

No, you need to work on your anxiety yourself.

It is not fair to expect your DH to limit his life to an unreasonable level because of your anxiety.

Going out to 3am is not an unreasonable thing for an adult to do. Perhaps he could have sent a text at 11pm saying he was staying out but that is all you can expect.

Your anxiety is not reason for him to not go out sometimes.

What are you doing about your anxiety?

BrokenWing · 12/07/2019 07:45

YABVU

He is an adult and should be able to go out for the occasional unplanned/late night without needing permission or having to check in more than once which he did.

He shouldn't have to come home just because you cant sleep well without him there.

JinglinghellsBells · 12/07/2019 07:46

It was thoughtless of him and uncaring imo. I'd have been livid and you have a right to be very annoyed.

1 He ought to have let you know he was going to be lat(er.)
2 He ought to have dragged himself away and got home earlier when you had to get up for work.

@Monday55 Oh do be quiet. A 'pacifier'? Clearly you have had any empathy bypass.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 12/07/2019 07:47

Yes he should send a courtesy text but it is not his fault that you can't sleep when you are in the bed alone. What are you planning on doing to improve that?

Chovihano · 12/07/2019 07:48

As he has form for this it isn't his fault you woke up and couldn't sleep as you knew the likelihood it would be 3.30.
He should have let you know he'd be later, but would his text have woken you anyway?
You do sound like you are dictating what he does, you can expect communication but not what time he comes home.

TwistyTop · 12/07/2019 07:48

I would be a bit peeved that I'd woken in the night worrying and he hadn't bothered to let me know, but it's not really your problem if he's tired and hungover for his work day. As long as he gets to work or can get the day off for some reason then surely that's his business?

Unless there's a massive dripfeed where he's an alcoholic on the brink of losing his job because he does this a lot then I'm afraid I think YABU.

JinglinghellsBells · 12/07/2019 07:49

I'm really shocked at the responses here saying it was all okay.

Do you all have such low standards of behaviour- either what you accept from your partners, or your own behaviour?

It's shcoking and most people in the real world would say this was unreasonable.

If you live with someone it's courteous to let them know if you are going to hours late as you appreciate they will worry.

If your partner is only going to get 3hrs sleep before work because you are coming in late WHEN YOU HAVE A CHOICE TO COME HOME SOONER , you are downright selfish.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 12/07/2019 07:49

He should have text you to say he was going to be late ... but would you have given him a bollocking?

I don’t mind what time DH rolls in, I’d be askeep. And as someone previously said thursdays do seem to be more of a going out night where I work as quite a few work from home fridays.

CraftyGin · 12/07/2019 07:50

YABU. He’s an adult. It’s his problem if he is not tip-top for work, not your’s

Original poster
LackofsleepX · 12/07/2019 07:50

It’s not that I can’t skeep at all when he isn’t in the bed. Its that when he isn’t there a will wake up in the night and if he is not there then I will worry. I generally wake up in the night and check my phone. But I hadn’t seen a text off him at 2am so I started to worry.

OP posts:
Original poster
LackofsleepX · 12/07/2019 07:51

Also I’ve just looked back at the timings of our texts. He text just before 11 saying he is still in the restaurant. I replied saying ok.

At midnight I text him to say where are you.

He never replied to my text from midnight.

OP posts:
SandraOhshair · 12/07/2019 07:51

It's obvious to me the original time agreed was never going to be adhered too, as it's easier to tell you 12, rather than admit he's going to stay out to the bitter end.
If he'd said I'm staying out till 3.30am how would you have reacted?

TixieLix · 12/07/2019 07:52

Well, now he's done it more than once he has form. Next time he goes to a work event, expect him to be home a lot later than he says and tell him in advance he has to sleep in the spare room so as not to wake you up.

Is his company ok with the lost productivity of having him not turn up today? It was a work event so they'll know he was out and likely overdid it.

martinidry · 12/07/2019 07:53

YABVU
He's an adult. You are not his Mama. He doesn't have to obey your curfew.

If his waking you when he gets home is an issue ask him to sleep in the spare room or even on the sofa. Regarding being later than planned, simply don't demand a timescale from him at all. Once more, he's an adult.