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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH coming home at 3:30am on a week night

213 replies

LackofsleepX · 12/07/2019 06:47

So last night Thursday my ‘D’H went out on a works event. We both have to be up for work the following day. I get up at 6:30am. He promised he would be back by 11pm. At 11pm he text to say he was still in the restaurant. I decide to go to bed. I don’t sleep very well when I’m in the bed on my own so I woke up at 2am to find ‘D’H to still not be home. At this point I worry why he is not back so I text him. I did send an arsey text coz he has done this before on a work night. He said he has gone out drinking and is in a club/bar. He comes home eventually at 3:30am.

So my question is AIBU to expect him to come home at a reasonable hour in the week?

Also AIBU to if he is going to be later than the time he said he should text me to let me know and then if I wake up in the night I will see the text that he is ok?

When he got in we started arguing and I believe we we both in the wrong for that aspect.

OP posts:
woodwhitecand · 12/07/2019 10:42

I work in finance and this happens all the time. The events are never on a friday because of people with kids.

limestars · 12/07/2019 10:43

I went out on a Thursday didn't get home til 4:20am, stopped texting dp at 11:30pm as he was asleep with the lo. When I got home dp had about 30 minutes til he got up for work.

I spent the day exhausted and when dp got home from work he sent me off to bed to catch up on sleep.
No blame, no moaning.
He was happy I had fun with my friends, even though he hates me going out with out him to London as he worries too.
YBVU!

Eliza9919 · 12/07/2019 10:43

From my experience the world of lawyers / banking / surveyors etc Thursdays after work are treated like the weekend. We all go out and entertain clients, have events or socials that aren’t compulsory but it’s pretty frowned upon if you don’t ever go.

This. Its Thirsty Thursdays.

I think you sound a bit controlling. YABU.

stucknoue · 12/07/2019 10:44

You are not being particularly unreasonable because he should have kept you informed (we worry!) but as a one off it's fine, tell him to sleep on the sofa/in spare room so you aren't disturbed when he gets in though. Everyone deserves occasional events

Original poster
LackofsleepX · 12/07/2019 10:44

@LakieLady but he didn’t say he would be late.

OP posts:
Chewbecca · 12/07/2019 10:45

Again, if roles were reversed, I wouldn’t be happy with your solution to stay at my parents. I am an adult and will come home to my own house, thank you, not be banished because my DP is being controlling.

My estimate would be at least 80% say YABU actually.

Ineedhelptocope · 12/07/2019 10:45

YABVU. Not your place to issue curfews.
That said he should have texted you to let you know he would be late so in that respect YANBU

Original poster
LackofsleepX · 12/07/2019 10:48

@pencilpot99 I also had an ex who would go out pretty much every week and wouldn’t let me know when he would be home. Sometimes he wouldn’t come home at all. It’s very upsetting for the person at home coz you start thinking all sorts.

OP posts:
Eliza9919 · 12/07/2019 10:49

LackofsleepX Fri 12-Jul-19 09:56:03
@StoppinBy I don’t expect him to be home do I can sleep. I just would like a text if he is going to be late. That way when I inevitably wake up I will read it and know that everything is fine.

This is ridiculous. He's out. Obviously, if he's not back yet, he's still on the piss.

What if he text you at midnight and said he's going to be late, you see the text at 2 - he could still have been hit by a bus between 12 and 2. Don't worry unless the police knock on your door. You'll just drive yourself mad otherwise. He's an adult and the likelihood of something happening to him is very small.

Or just ring him when you wake up Hmm

Chewbecca · 12/07/2019 10:49

But can’t you see it is wrong to stop someone doing something they enjoy because you irrationally “start thinking all sorts”? That’s the crux of the matter here.

Original poster
LackofsleepX · 12/07/2019 10:52

I did ring him when I woke up but he didn’t answer so I text him instead.

I’m not stopping him doing something he enjoys. I’m just asking if he must go out to the early hours of the morning and it’s later than he originally told me, then can he text me. Also if he can’t come in quietly can he sleep on the sofabed or go to his parents.

OP posts:
MyCatHatesEverybody · 12/07/2019 10:54

I agree with PP that it's just common courtesy to send a quick text if you're going to be home much later than originally expected. My ex used to stay out till 2-3am which I had no problem with in itself, but the one time he stayed out till 1am after a work lunch with no communication at all when I'd expected him home at 6pm as usual - I had a big problem with that.

Prisonbreak · 12/07/2019 10:55

I think you are unreasonable. He was on a night out. Leave him be. And arguing with him in the morning has just put a dampener on his good night. I don’t contact my man on nights out and he’s the same with me. We come home when we are ready

kidsmakesomuchwashing · 12/07/2019 10:57

Erm my husband can come home when he wants! I'm not his minder! If he wants to feel shit the next day that's his choice.

Original poster
LackofsleepX · 12/07/2019 11:00

The problem we have is that I feel shit the next day due to lack of sleep but he feels fine as he can drink loads and he doesn’t get a hangover.

OP posts:
MostlyAmbridgeandcoffee · 12/07/2019 11:00

I can understand how you feel. I would have been a bit grumpy that he hasn’t text to let me know. But on the other hand if it’s only every so often and there aren’t kids in the mix then it’s fine to go out late blow off a bit of steam from time to time. But he should definitely be sleeping in the spare room / sofa when he gets in so you don’t have to wake up! Smile

Bliponthescreen · 12/07/2019 11:01

Mmm. I had this with my DH.
Weeknight, having already been to the pub, he came home to get changed, waking me around midnight, as he was going clubbing. I asked him not to go but he did. He came home at some ridiculous time, disturbing and waking me once again. Consequently, I overslept. Late for work, DCs late for school. Unbelievably selfish.
The next day, we had ‘strong words’ and I lay down the consequences should it happen again. He never did do it again (on a weeknight).
If his behaviour impacts negatively on you then put a stop to it.

BillieEilish · 12/07/2019 11:01

Let's hope a friend or family member doesn't ask for your help in the future

Hmm Relevance? How odd.

You are still being U, actually, nowslightly confused and unhinged Grin Must be lack of sleep hun X

limestars · 12/07/2019 11:02

OP what you think your saying isn't what your saying.
Your using accidents and worry as your reason but the you mentioned an ex did this and you had thoughts of cheating.
You are in the wrong here.
He went out, he texted you he was still out and then you called and texted.
When he got home you argued with him.
That is controlling.
All you post goings on about is you you you and how he was unfair to you!

Last night I came home, had to get an Uber because there was a stabbing. Dp was happy for me to go out but worries, especially with the job he's in.
When I got back he didn't have a go at me, he didn't say ' see I told you it dangerous out there' he didn't ask why I hadn't texted for an hour. He just focused on me.
I apologise then for being late, explained spending more money etc.
If I had come home and dp did what you did I would of told him to fuck off and that I'm an adult.

You can't put you past relationship on him. And you can't fight him for a mistake because your relationship won't last.

happyhillock · 12/07/2019 11:07

I don't believe women who say my husband can come in when he want's, none of my friend's or work mates have ever said that, heard a lot of complaining though about the time they've came in after a night out

Lllot5 · 12/07/2019 11:10

Well I’m not married any more but I can assure you I didn’t care ( perhaps that’s why I’m not married any more) Smile I honestly truly would not have even noticed I would have been asleep in bed.
No mobile phones then of course. Not making us worry less making anxiety worse I would suggest.

GrouchoMrx · 12/07/2019 11:11

The problem we have is that I feel shit the next day due to lack of sleep but he feels fine as he can drink loads and he doesn’t get a hangover.

You mean the problem you have........

kmammamalto · 12/07/2019 11:14

Oh OP. The updates are getting worse. I think you need to sleep on it.
And @bliponthescreen ShockShockShock you laid out consequences to a grown man and blamed him for sleeping your alarm?! Bloody hell. I don't mean to be rude but that's unreal

Myheartbelongsto · 12/07/2019 11:15

I bought my first house at 19, on my own so what!

Now he has to go to his parents?! what!

LillithsFamiliar · 12/07/2019 11:15

Dh and I used to struggle with this when we first got together. So, having been there. This is my advice.
You have a sofa bed. You know he's likely to be out late but he doesn't want to admit that because you've come up with the frankly bizarre plan that he has to stay at his parents if he's too late.
So, take all the anxiety out of it. Assume he is going to stay out late. Set up the sofabed before he goes (make him do it or you do it. Who does it isn't important. What's important is that it's set up). Don't text him whilst he's out (that's feeding your anxiety).
Pop on an eye mask and put in ear plugs to make you less likely to wake when he comes back.

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