DH coming home at 3:30am on a week night

[LackofsleepX]

So last night Thursday my ‘D’H went out on a works event. We both have to be up for work the following day. I get up at 6:30am. He promised he would be back by 11pm. At 11pm he text to say he was still in the restaurant. I decide to go to bed. I don’t sleep very well when I’m in the bed on my own so I woke up at 2am to find ‘D’H to still not be home. At this point I worry why he is not back so I text him. I did send an arsey text coz he has done this before on a work night. He said he has gone out drinking and is in a club/bar. He comes home eventually at 3:30am.

So my question is AIBU to expect him to come home at a reasonable hour in the week?

Also AIBU to if he is going to be later than the time he said he should text me to let me know and then if I wake up in the night I will see the text that he is ok?

When he got in we started arguing and I believe we we both in the wrong for that aspect.

But he did send a text at 11pm so how many would he need to send. Check in every half hour?

I think the fact that the OP admits to sending an arsy text right away speaks volumes.

I went out until about 2am last week. I didn’t tell my husband. I would have text back if he had enquired about my whereabouts. My punishment was feeling diabolical at 6am the next day.....

I think it would be fine for him to do that if he didn't disturb your sleep as a result. I should have said he wouldn't be home until about that time and also sleep downstairs/in another room so that he didn't disturb you.

I should have said he should have said

Your like a dog with a bone jacques.

He can come home whenever he likes but it’s rude not to keep you informed.

Your like a dog with a bone jacques

Nah it’s just difficult to debate with people who profess to be “adults” but appear anything but!

YABU if you do not have kids. He is an adult and responsible for his own self.

He should have let you know, I am in total agreement with you there but to expect him to be home so you can sleep is a bit much.

The time that the both of you get up for work is irrelevant because you are both responsible for only getting yourselves ready.

I think it would be fine for him to do that if he didn't disturb your sleep as a result.

It reads to me that OP disturbed her own sleep through worrying and almost certainly being the instigator of the argument that kicked off when he got in.

Adults are allowed out late. The only thing I would perhaps criticize him for is lack of communication. However, OP knew where he was and I expect his limited communication may well have been because he knew exactly what her reaction would be.

I really don't see what the issue is here - an adult went out on a work event and stayed out late; what is the issue? If it meant that you had a lot more work to do to get ready in the morning (DCs etc), then I can see why you'd have an issue. But really, just him staying out late? There have been many times I've been out late, I would be appalled if my partner tried to tell me how late I can stay out on a school night; nor would I to him. That is worryingly over-controlling OP.

if it's every now and then and not weekly is it really such an issue? Are you more questioning what he's up to, in which case there's probably other issues that need sorting.
if you trust him and he's just got a bit drunk and wanted the night to carry on a bit longer than planned then its not so bad is it?
Surely theres better things to direct your energy toward than being angry at a grown hairy arse man getting in late?

I think my response to this depends on how old he is. If he's in his 20s/early 30s and you have no kids I would let it go, unless he is nasty to you when drunk etc. Next time he goes out don't bother agreeing a time for him to get back, turn your phone off and go to sleep.

If he's 35+ he needs to do some growing up.

Someone upthread said:

My DH always does this when he goes on a work meal. I used to get worried and wake up if he wasn't home. Now I expect it to happen and generally sleep a lot better. It does mean I have to prepare for getting the DCs to school before work, even if he was going to do the school run. It's every 3 months max, so I let it go.

I bloody wouldn't let it go if I was having to pick up his slack!

YABVU in my opinion.

He’s an adult, had a night out that clearly was a good one. I would be very unimpressed if roles were reversed and my DH told me when I had to be home. (I am the London accountant too).

Personally we both leave our phones charging downstairs overnight so wouldn’t pick messages up in the night anyway, it’s not good for your sleep to check your phone in the night. You’re creating things to worry about, not reassuring yourself.

The chances of something happening that actually required you to worry are so minuscule, it would be ridiculous to organise one’s life around reassurance that everything is ok.

I’m sorry but this is your issue to work on.

*It reads to me that OP disturbed her own sleep through worrying and almost certainly being the instigator of the argument that kicked off when he got in.

Adults are allowed out late. The only thing I would perhaps criticize him for is lack of communication. However, OP knew where he was and I expect his limited communication may well have been because he knew exactly what her reaction would be.*

100% agree @TooTrueToBeGood. A text would have been nice, but some posters on here seem to treat their DHs like wayward children. Whoever said 'I have high standards in my relationship'... well my high standard is recognising my partner as an adult and an independent person, not an extension of myself and certainly not someone who is answerable to my anxiety first and their own desires second.

I think that if he wants to go out once in a while and stay out until 3.30 am then he can do that.
But I do think that if he has said he would be back around midnight or whatever, he should text to say that he's actually going to be a lot later. He doesn't need to check in every half an hour - but he should consider the feelings of his partner at home who may be expecting him.
I also think that if adults want to go out until the early hours, they should come home quietly and maybe sleep on the sofa or in a spare room so they don't wake up their partner.

My ex was horrific. He was constantly out drinking until 3 or 4 am (would often not come home from work at all). Couldn't even be bothered to text to say he wasn't coming home after work. He'd then show up shouting and yelling and all the rest of it. I was absolutely worn out - it's a major reason why he is an ex.

I think it depends how often the OP's partner does this. If it's once or twice it's fair enough but if it tips over into something else then you have much bigger problems.
I wish I had got rid of my ex as soon as I realized this was going to be a pattern of behaviour. Speak calmly to your partner and say you would like them to let you know if they are going to be much later than planned - and that they should come in quietly etc. If he then takes notice of this then no problem. If he continues with this behaviour then you need to consider whether he is showing you enough respect.

The main problem was setting a time to begin with. I might say if asked “ I’m not planning on a late one” but that’s not the same as saying “ i’ll be home by 11”. If he knew there was a possibility that it could be late he’s better off saying “ I don’t know” rather than committing himself. How would you feel if he said that to you? That’s the issue I think... just being honest from the start. But I have to say I wouldn’t expect this much drama from one late arrival home.

@StoppinBy I don’t expect him to be home do I can sleep. I just would like a text if he is going to be late. That way when I inevitably wake up I will read it and know that everything is fine.

If he had told you he wouldn't be back until 3,4 am op what would your reaction have been?
I think he probably said 11 to avoid an argument before he went out.
As others have said a courtesy text to say he was going to be later than originally discussed would have been nice but yabu to expect an adult to have a curfew if there are no other dependents to consider

I don’t expect him to be home do I can sleep. I just would like a text if he is going to be late. That way when I inevitably wake up I will read it and know that everything is fine.

I think that is fairly reasonable and I don't understand why he wouldn't do that for the person he loves. But lots of men seem to lose the ability to text when they go out!

The issue for me was his unrealistic promise to be in by 11pm when there wasn’t a snowball’s chance in hell that he would be. It is clear that he always gets in late from these work outings so you need to both recognise that he is likely to be in very late.

I think your right to be annoyed, i wouldn't want my DP out until 3.30pm, where was he until that time of the morning? Your not acting like his mother your his wife and have a right to know where he was, he's not single he's married.

Otherwise we have a good relationship. And actually we have a partnership where generally we tell each other what our plans are and we enjoy doing lots of things together. We speak most days at lunchtime because we want to chat to each other. And actually DH wants this more so than me.

Neither of us wants a relationship where we say bye in the morning and then don’t chat in the day and have no idea what time each will be home. I would dislike that kind of relationship.

I think that is fairly reasonable and I don't understand why he wouldn't do that for the person he loves.

He did - he texted to say he was still there.

He probably didn't know what time he'd get back and since OP had sent him an arsey text he probably didn't feel like getting into a row about it.

A text would be nice, but I can see how people get caught up and forget.

Past that I think you're being unreasonable. I couldn't live with someone who treated me like they were my parent and gave me a curfew.

I understand you've anxiety issues, but these are your issues and it's not right to make them your husbands,

You're his wife. Not his mother. He is an adult. Not a child. And you need to remember and respect that.

I really wouldn't get too bothered about this. Yes it's annoying but not a massive deal unless he does it ALLL the time. He's an adult, he's allowed to go out without a curfew.