DH coming home at 3:30am on a week night

[LackofsleepX]

So last night Thursday my ‘D’H went out on a works event. We both have to be up for work the following day. I get up at 6:30am. He promised he would be back by 11pm. At 11pm he text to say he was still in the restaurant. I decide to go to bed. I don’t sleep very well when I’m in the bed on my own so I woke up at 2am to find ‘D’H to still not be home. At this point I worry why he is not back so I text him. I did send an arsey text coz he has done this before on a work night. He said he has gone out drinking and is in a club/bar. He comes home eventually at 3:30am.

So my question is AIBU to expect him to come home at a reasonable hour in the week?

Also AIBU to if he is going to be later than the time he said he should text me to let me know and then if I wake up in the night I will see the text that he is ok?

When he got in we started arguing and I believe we we both in the wrong for that aspect.

It wouldn’t occur to me to care. I would be irritated if he was grumpy the next day but he’s an adult not a child and can do as he wished.

My husband does this whenever he goes out with work. Like some others have said, I'd not expect him to be home before 4am on these nights in future & then you can only be pleasantly surprised. He should send a courtesy text (I would) but in their defence I can see how it happens. He get carried away chatting, it gets beyond the time he said he'd be home, then doesn't want to text in case he wakes you, ends up doing nothing...
I don't worry about it too much anymore. It's not like it's every week or even month!

Also to answer some posts. The first time this happened I said if it’s going to be 3/4am in future I would appreciate it if you stayed at your parents house (this wouldn’t be an issue to his parents). He said he would do that in future.

On this occasion I reminded him about going to his parents and he said no he was aiming to be back by 11pm. He also didn’t set up the sofabed before he left.

NO-one needs to stay out until 3.30am for their career.

Utter bollocks. He's just on the piss.

The first time this happened I said if it’s going to be 3/4am in future I would appreciate it if you stayed at your parents house (this wouldn’t be an issue to his parents). He said he would do that in future.

Why? Because he wants to go out late? That’s a ridiculous request.

The first time this happened I said if it’s going to be 3/4am in future I would appreciate it if you stayed at your parents house (this wouldn’t be an issue to his parents). He said he would do that in future.

You try and make that sound reasonable, but it's not. It's akin to saying "if you can't be home at what I deem a reasonable time don't bother coming home at all".

what gives you the right to dictate when he can or can't stay in his own home? It's got nothing to do about gender either and I expect a woman who posted that her husband effectively barred her from coming home if she didn't meet his curfew would be firmly told to LTB.

@merryoldgoat I don’t think that’s ridiculous. He is doing something out of the ordinary working week which affects other people and not just him.

If I stayed asleep then it wouldn’t be an issue. But when he does get in he can’t manage to come into the bedroom quietly. So why should I lose out on my sleep because he wants to stay out so long?

YANBU to expect a text telling you if he will be a lot later so you don't wake up and worry. I wouldn't mind if he was out late occasionally as long as he didn't wake me up when he got in as once I am woken up, I can't get back to sleep. However if it was a regular thing my answer would be different

Why should his parents be disturbed by him coming in late?

Just assume he will be held up. There is nothing wrong with going out and not having a set time to come home. Your anxiety does not change that.

But yes, he should have set up the sofa bed if you're a light sleeper. That was wrong of him.

His parents wouldn’t be disturbed. They have a massive 6 bedroom house. They probably wouldn’t even here him come in.

Hear not here

WHAT? This is utterly ridiculous now. He has to stay at his parents house if deemed too late by you?

You honestly sound like a controlling nightmare and need to sort yourself out, before you no longer have a DH. I have never read the like!

It is his house and you are married or am I totally wrong here?

You sound very young OP. I presume not over 25? You really need to change your view on marriage.

If you have DC's, you have to honestly grow up ALOT.

@BillieEilish wow aren’t you delightful.

We are married and technically it’s my house I owned before we met. However that’s not the point.

@BillieEilish I am over 25 by a few years.

Why is OP controlling? Common courtesy to let your spouse know you are going to be late 🤷🏻‍♀️ And just think of all the crap going in in society .. eg: knife crime .. G-d forbid something happened to him and then she would have been accused of not bothering to find out where he had been.

I get you OP. My exH used to do this (although it was a regular thing with him). But I would always wake up around 2pm wondering where he was. PPs saying that's weird etc. clearly haven't experienced this sort of behaviour. Turns out my ex was having various affairs and I would get all the "my phone ran out of battery", "there wasn't a signal" excuses about why he was unable to contact me and when I tried to call him I couldn't get through. I'm not saying yours is cheating but that's what happened with me - I was waking up worrying he'd been in a car crash or something, he was fucking around. YANBU

My husband and I would literally just say “I’ll be back later.”

Later is all encompassing, that way no one could get arsey because the other wasn’t home by a certain time.

He did let her know he was going to be late. He texted at 11pm to say he was still in the restaurant.

Then, good luck OP. You're going to need it. Thanks for the amusing AIBU, sorry you didn't agree with my response to your question.

I'll ask my mama next time.

Having read your update about the parents house youre definitely being unreasonable. How the hell would you manage children if you get this dramatic about being woken up in the night once in a blue moon?

YABU, he's an adult and doesn't have to be in by a certain time.

If I stayed out until the small hours and DP got arsey about it, especially after I'd texted to say I'd be late, I'd be bloody livid.

@Billieeilish I agree in that it’s your opinion and you are perfectly entitled to your view. My issue was that you seemed to be rather aggressive in your responses. Let’s hope a friend or family member doesn’t ask for your help in the future.

I don’t think I will need your luck. I’m reasonably successful in a great career and bought my house at 25 on my own only 3 ish years ago. I just wanted peoples opinions on whether I was being unreasonable and it seems fairly split in the responses.

Also fairly recently married and living together so still working things out.