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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH coming home at 3:30am on a week night

213 replies

LackofsleepX · 12/07/2019 06:47

So last night Thursday my ‘D’H went out on a works event. We both have to be up for work the following day. I get up at 6:30am. He promised he would be back by 11pm. At 11pm he text to say he was still in the restaurant. I decide to go to bed. I don’t sleep very well when I’m in the bed on my own so I woke up at 2am to find ‘D’H to still not be home. At this point I worry why he is not back so I text him. I did send an arsey text coz he has done this before on a work night. He said he has gone out drinking and is in a club/bar. He comes home eventually at 3:30am.

So my question is AIBU to expect him to come home at a reasonable hour in the week?

Also AIBU to if he is going to be later than the time he said he should text me to let me know and then if I wake up in the night I will see the text that he is ok?

When he got in we started arguing and I believe we we both in the wrong for that aspect.

OP posts:
Karwomannghia · 12/07/2019 08:47

There seem to be an awful lot of women on mumsnet who worry and panic when their dh is out later than they said they’d be. Happens all the time, they go out, stay out later than said, don’t answer texts to avoid inevitable argument and turn up after 3 am shitfaced.

MashedSpud · 12/07/2019 08:52

DH always lets me know if he’s going to be late, it’s something we’ve always done.

I think you should go out with friends, say you’ll be back at 11pm, ignore his texts/calls then get home at 4am, knocking on the door because you’ve “lost” your key.

BillieEilish · 12/07/2019 08:52

He was not 'shitfaced' I imagine he didn't want to text at midnight as she needs her sleep and is anxious.

Give it a rest.

He was out with his work. I have had to do this (in the past) hundreds of times. BF's coped.

BillieEilish · 12/07/2019 08:54

The fact he had taken today (Friday) off work, speaks volumes, this was planned and OP bloody knew it.

Myheartbelongsto · 12/07/2019 08:57

Having read some of the responses on here, give him a list of jobs for one, i'm not surprised that some men fuck off.

Myheartbelongsto · 12/07/2019 08:57

All the posters saying “he’s a grown man”, wouldn’t one reasonably expect a grown man to be courteous enough to communicate if plans have changed?

Er, no!

Original poster
LackofsleepX · 12/07/2019 08:58

Thank you for all the kind messages even the ones who think I am being unreasonable. I genuinely wanted other people’s opinion.

There seem to be some people on here who are quite rude and offensive. I don’t mind being told I am being unreasonable but please do it in a kind way.

OP posts:
newmomof1 · 12/07/2019 08:59

@BillieEilish can you read? He has gone to work today...

JacquesHammer · 12/07/2019 08:59

Er, no!

Your standards not mine, mine are way higher! (And yes, it works both ways!)

Yabbers · 12/07/2019 09:01

but I thought that being in a relationship my DH should help me not to worry and not just leave me to deal with my own issues.

That’s ridiculous. It isn’t up to him to sort your problems.

He’s an adult and can go out til whenever he likes. Next time, don’t tell him what time he needs to be home and that way he won’t be in the wrong for not constantly telling you where he is.

Yabbers · 12/07/2019 09:03

I don’t mind being told I am being unreasonable but please do it in a kind way.

So, Internet forum users, your husband, do you generally tell everyone in your life how you want them to behave around you?

Lllot5 · 12/07/2019 09:04

So he went out and came home later than expected. So what. When I was married I would have been pissed off if he had texted me and woke me up telling me he’s going to be late. Stop worrying about him your worrying will not affect the outcome.
Leave your phone downstairs and just go to sleep.

Myheartbelongsto · 12/07/2019 09:04

Er, no!

Your standards not mine, mine are way higher! (And yes, it works both ways!)

It's nothing to do with standards, I just treat my boyfriend like the adult he is and he extends me the same courtesy.

JacquesHammer · 12/07/2019 09:05

It's nothing to do with standards, I just treat my boyfriend like the adult he is and he extends me the same courtesy

And part of being an adult isn’t a quick text when plans change?

Nah, that’s standards.

BillieEilish · 12/07/2019 09:06

newmom sorry, I saw at some point 'not going into work', I got bored TBH. Whether he is in work or not, who cares? He didn't come home pissed and doesn't need a 'list if jobs'.

My opinion, that's what was asked, AIBU? Yes, she is, also behaving like a child and also needs a bit of a reality check.

Jaxhog · 12/07/2019 09:06

Also AIBU to if he is going to be later than the time he said he should text me to let me know and then if I wake up in the night I will see the text that he is ok?

Absolutely right. Why do some people just not get that we worry about them not coming when they say they will? Is it really so hard to send a little text? My DH doesn't get this either.

PianoTuner567 · 12/07/2019 09:07

quick text to let you know he was staying out

Doesn’t always work like that though does it? At 11.30, you don’t necessarily know or plan that you’re going to be out until 3.30 - it’s just another drink, you’re in a conversation and the night flows along. You’re not getting your phone out to give a running commentary - having one more drink, just talking to Bob about football, just going to one more bar - by text to someone who’s at home and probably asleep.

Myheartbelongsto · 12/07/2019 09:11

We just say have a good night, see you when I see you, so, nope, still nothing to do with standards.

If you and your other half like to text each other then that's up to you. Just because we don't it doesn't mean we don't have standards.

Tell you what I don't have, a mobile phone!

newmomof1 · 12/07/2019 09:12

@BillieEilish 100% agreed Grin

JacquesHammer · 12/07/2019 09:13

We just say have a good night, see you when I see you, so, nope, still nothing to do with standards

Right so not the same thing because plans haven’t changed 🙄

Pinktinker · 12/07/2019 09:16

YANBU. Courtesy to drop a text saying he will be late back. Anyone would wake up worrying if they were three hours late home and hadn’t sent a message.

doodleygirl · 12/07/2019 09:16

It baffles me why some people believe that a partnership needs to be so controlling. I really dont see what your DP has done wrong. A grown adult goes out for the night and comes in late, its not really a drama.

Whilst I do agree once babies are in the mix we need to curtail our social activities otherwise its always one person (predominantly the woman) who ends up picking up the slack.

YABU

Yabbers · 12/07/2019 09:23

Anyone would wake up worrying if they were three hours late home and hadn’t sent a message.

From Tesco, maybe. Or from work. But from a night out at the pub? Nope, wouldn’t worry at all.

Myheartbelongsto · 12/07/2019 09:23

We just say have a good night, see you when I see you, so, nope, still nothing to do with standards

Right so not the same thing because plans haven’t changed 🙄

Yes, because we are adults. I haven't had a curfew since I was a teenager! I went out for lunch with work yesterday, said I'd be home by half three and I walked in the door at half four, no search party out for me, nothing.

JacquesHammer · 12/07/2019 09:25

Yes, because we are adults. I haven't had a curfew since I was a teenager!

Who said anything about a curfew?