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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH coming home at 3:30am on a week night

213 replies

LackofsleepX · 12/07/2019 06:47

So last night Thursday my ‘D’H went out on a works event. We both have to be up for work the following day. I get up at 6:30am. He promised he would be back by 11pm. At 11pm he text to say he was still in the restaurant. I decide to go to bed. I don’t sleep very well when I’m in the bed on my own so I woke up at 2am to find ‘D’H to still not be home. At this point I worry why he is not back so I text him. I did send an arsey text coz he has done this before on a work night. He said he has gone out drinking and is in a club/bar. He comes home eventually at 3:30am.

So my question is AIBU to expect him to come home at a reasonable hour in the week?

Also AIBU to if he is going to be later than the time he said he should text me to let me know and then if I wake up in the night I will see the text that he is ok?

When he got in we started arguing and I believe we we both in the wrong for that aspect.

OP posts:
Original poster
LackofsleepX · 12/07/2019 11:18

@BillieEilish one of the aims of Aibu is to ask for an unbiased viewpoint and maybe get some advice. You are so aggressive in your responses that I hope no one ever asks you for advice in the future. Your previous posts on other threads are also aggressive so it’s not just me.

OP posts:
Original poster
LackofsleepX · 12/07/2019 11:21

@limestars I only mentioned cheating in a direct response to another pp saying I have also experienced that with an ex. I’m not putting the old relationship on this one. I’ve not even mentioned cheating was going on last night.

Also the difference in your case was that when you got in you apologised to your DH. My DH never apologised and said he had done nothing wrong.

OP posts:
steppemum · 12/07/2019 11:24

didn't see the problem of me being kept awake all night by the baby who knew he wasn't there

that is probably one of the strangest comments I have seen on mn.
Much more likely baby was picking up on your unease.

OP - I think he should have the courtesy to text you to say where he is. He should not wake you up if he can't find his key, and he should be aware of the knock on effect, ie you are tired for work and can't take the day off.

But in principle, I don't see why anyone should have to be home at a certain time. It is his problem if he is tired next day.
If it was his turn to do school run and he didn't do it due to being asleep - THAT would be an issue

trackingmedown · 12/07/2019 11:25

I think YABU to expect him to come home at a ‘reasonable hour’ on any night of the week. He’s a grown man, he can decide for himself how late he stays out. I would be very annoyed if my DH started telling me what time I should be home!

YANBU to expect a courtesy text if he is going to be out significantly later than expected. My DH Used to drive me mad like that. I got used to it eventually and now I just assume he will be out late. The one time that he was late because he actually did have a (very minor) accident I slept in blissful ignorance only seeing his sheepish text when I woke the next morning.

Original poster
LackofsleepX · 12/07/2019 11:25

@LillithsFamiliar thank you for your advice. That’s a good idea to try for the next time. Genuinely grateful for the constructive criticism. Smile

OP posts:
BillieEilish · 12/07/2019 11:26

Lackofsleep I agree with a PP at least 80% say you are BU. My previous threads? In 11 years on here I have VERY rarely, if ever, been told I am aggressive.

If you post on AIBU you have to accept, you will get replies (you clearly) don't agree with. I, along with many, do not agree with your reaction.

You asked, you were told. But you only think YOU are right. That is the problem, so resorting to personal attacks to posters who don't agree with you will not do the trick.

Me, I am a nice reasonable person thanks Smile with a happy marriage and family.

steppemum · 12/07/2019 11:26

agree with Lilith - plan for him to be late, get him to sleep on sofa so he doesn't wake you. Expect him at 4 am.

Bliponthescreen · 12/07/2019 11:27

@kmammamalto
You have misunderstood (I think).
I was pissed off because I overslept due to him waking me up twice during the night. Once when he came home at midnight to get changed and then again when he rolled in at some godforsaken time.
You may find that behaviour acceptable from a ‘grown man’ but I don’t.

user1497997754 · 12/07/2019 11:33

I would say if he is going out and it's going to be late 3.30am is late then tell him to prebook a hotel and stay out. You know where you are then and can enjoy your evening and not give a shit. If my husband treated me like you he would be told to fuck off and never come back. I think you are in the right and he is a wanker you could do much better

Original poster
LackofsleepX · 12/07/2019 11:37

@BillieEilish in my view you are aggressive in your posts. I would hope you don’t act like that in person and are perfectly reasonable IRL.

Of course I accept people don’t agree with me. That’s fine. Some people don’t agree and some people do. We are have different relationships and expectations within our marriages.

I don’t think I am right. I have come to the conclusion that I shouldn’t expect him to be home before 3am. But it is perfectly reasonable for me to expect a text if he will be later than he said.

Snap-I’m also a nice reasonable person with a happy marriage and family.

OP posts:
ShirleyPhallus · 12/07/2019 11:57

And just think of all the crap going in in society .. eg: knife crime .. G-d forbid something happened to him and then she would have been accused of not bothering to find out where he had been.

The potential of him being stabbed is ludicrously low. For someone with anxiety, they’d be kept away worrying about tiny possibilities like these.

Utterly pointless for the husband to have to keep in touch with her every so often just to confirm that he hasn’t been stabbed

StreetwiseHercules · 12/07/2019 11:59

If my wife did this, I wouldn’t even think to have an issue with it. It just doesnt matter.

ShirleyPhallus · 12/07/2019 12:16

If my husband treated me like you he would be told to fuck off and never come back. I think you are in the right and he is a wanker you could do much better

Aaaaaannnnddd.... we have officially entered the twilight zone Confused

limestars · 12/07/2019 12:18

@LackofsleepX I apologise because my dp gave me respect and didn't keep bothering me. And I said if he act like you I wouldn't of been very impressed at all.

IHopeYouUnderstandWeArePuppets · 12/07/2019 12:19

You are both being unreasonable.

Your DH should send you a quick text if his plans change, so that if you wake up you can look at your phone and see that he’s fine but going to be later.

However, it doesn’t sound like you were happy for him to go out late in the first place. He “promised” to be home by 11 - why does he need to make a promise? Surely it’s up to him how late he stays out? You sent him an arsey text? Why? I would find it very cloying if my partner depended on me in order to sleep well and therefore expected me to restrict my activities. FWIW my DH always says he sleeps worse when the DC and I are elsewhere, but he has never suggested we stay at home for this reason.

It’s not the right thing to do, but if your DH knows you’re going to be pissed off with him anyway then he probably reasons that there’s no point in texting you to tell you he’ll be later than planned. You need to respect his right to decide how long he stays out for and he needs to respect you by keeping you in the loop about when he’ll be home.

KnittingForMittens · 12/07/2019 12:28

My husband does the same. It used to bother me a lot but now I really don't care what he does. Obviously as long as he doesn't cheat and still comes back so I don't have to file a missing persons report but I don't lose sleep over it. Leave him to get on with it!

Eliza9919 · 12/07/2019 12:31

I don’t think I am right. I have come to the conclusion that I shouldn’t expect him to be home before 3am. But it is perfectly reasonable for me to expect a text if he will be later than he said.

Why don't you just leave him to it and don't make him give times he's going to be in. Everyone knows once you get the taste it's game over.

Mitzimaybe · 12/07/2019 12:32

If he says he'll be home by 11 and then his plans change, he needs to send you a text so you're not worried. If that text says he'll be home by 1 and his plans change again, he should send another text. He knows you'll worry if you wake and he's not home and it's common courtesy that he should do that.

I don't understand some of the replies on this thread along the lines of he's an adult and can do what he wants. Of course he can, but when you're in a loving relationship you have to have some consideration for the other person. If you're going to just do what you want and sod everyone else, then you shouldn't be in a relationship.

If you were due to meet a friend at 8pm, say, but didn't turn up until 11pm, well that's your right as an adult, the friend has no right to dictate that you must be there at 8, but it's not a nice thing to do to a friend. Why is this any different?

Dieu · 12/07/2019 12:38

YABU and too clingy.

WhyTho · 12/07/2019 12:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lllot5 · 12/07/2019 12:39

Leave your phone downstairs and go to sleep. This is not helping your anxiety it’s making it worse.
Let him worry what you’re doing.

StreetwiseHercules · 12/07/2019 12:41

“Why does it matter what time he comes home? Who cares? If it’s because you can’t sleep without him I suggest you get some help for that.”

Indeed. I can’t stand when adults infantilise themselves with this kind of pish.

Bignicetree · 12/07/2019 12:41

He's an adult.
He suffers his own consequences if he stays out late and drinks too much.

ghostofharrenhal · 12/07/2019 12:44

Why is there so much nastiness on this thread? OP hasn't done anything wrong apart from be upset by her husband being a bit thoughtless.

cinderfrickingrella · 12/07/2019 12:45

He is unreasonable to not let you know he was staying out.

You are unreasonable that you expect him to come home early so you can sleep. He's right in that sense, that is your problem.