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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to clean manically for SIL visit

219 replies

user87382294757 · 09/07/2019 12:47

DH's sister is coming to visit with the DC and DH is panicking - saying we need to clean everything perfectly and even replace an old carpet which seems a bit OTT. SIL has a kind of OCD and whenever comes to visit seems to mean lots of cleaning and getting everything perfect for her or else she gets very upset and disappointed.

I mean yes I would definitely clean and tidy up but not to an obsessively neat and clean state and do things like replace carpets! Also things like replacing grouting on the bathroom and shower curtains etc.

Also I think DH invited his SIL so he should therefore be involved in this even though he works a lot - he is self employed so can be flexible- and not leave all this to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
user87382294757 · 09/07/2019 12:48

Also that if SIL decided to visit she needs to accept it may not be 'perfect' especially as there are other children living there and if it is not exactly right maybe needs to not be upset / disappointed- maybe think about this in advance.

OP posts:
TheChain · 09/07/2019 12:49

That’s madness Confused she’s his sister, not royalty!
Is she actually diagnosed with OCD or is she a bit of a neat freak?
Either way I wouldn’t be redoing the grout or replacing carpets unless it was something I wanted to do anyway

TheChain · 09/07/2019 12:50

If she expresses disappointment or upset at your home I would pack her off to the nearest hotel, ungrateful witch

Xyzzzzz · 09/07/2019 12:50

I agree if DH wants a new carpet (which is excessive imo) he can do it

mbosnz · 09/07/2019 12:51

Um, if DH wants to go hard out, okay, all power to his elbow. But you? Nah uh.

frazzledasarock · 09/07/2019 12:52

Nah, I can’t be dealing with that kind of behaviour. He invited her if he wants a show home he should roll his sleeves up and get the marigolds on.

I’d not do anything more than I normally do.

Both of them sound beyond cheeky.

Juststopit · 09/07/2019 12:52

I used to do this when ex PIL came round. It was like a bloody house inspection!!

Your DH invited her let him tidy up or she’ll just have to deal with it or not come?
She should be there to see you not judge your housekeeping skills or your DH’s

Original poster
user87382294757 · 09/07/2019 12:53

I feel very judged already and haven't even started yet.

OP posts:
Original poster
user87382294757 · 09/07/2019 12:54

He's also saying now the oven needs a deep clean before she comes and have I done anything yet? Argh. I will remind him he invited her and I am OK with how the oven is at the moment. I don't really like the nasty oven cleaner either.

OP posts:
TheChain · 09/07/2019 12:56

Don’t do a damn thing. Tell him if he’s not happy with the appearance of your joint home then he can do whatever he wants to bring it up to a standard that is acceptable to his sister. If not, he can fuck off and shut up about it 😂

FudgeBrownie2019 · 09/07/2019 12:58

I always clean up before we have guests but this is a whole new level of nonsense. Tell him if his Sister wants the house spotless he'd better get moving or it's going to remain in it's current state.

Snowfalling · 09/07/2019 12:59

How long is she staying for? She sounds high maintenance.

Let your dh get on with the cleaning, grouting and any other diy tasks you can throw at him. He won't be so keen on inviting her round next time, unless he genuinely intends to do all the hard work. Ifyou do it this time, it sets a precedent for enabling them both.

ChuckleBuckles · 09/07/2019 12:59

Is your SIL Kim or Aggie OP, come on tell all!

If your DH is that fussed that the house must be up to the standards of her Royal Cleanliness let him pay for a cleaning company to come in and give the house a good going over.

Troels · 09/07/2019 13:00

Why is he buying into her OCD, it's hers not his. Clean but thats it. Putting in new carpet is just rediculous.

DarlingNikita · 09/07/2019 13:02

He's also saying now the oven needs a deep clean before she comes and have I done anything yet?

Tell him if he's that bothered he can do it his fucking self.

ElizaPancakes · 09/07/2019 13:02

Um, if DH wants to go hard out, okay, all power to his elbow. But you? Nah uh

^^yes to this!

JustMe81 · 09/07/2019 13:02

My OH used to do this when his mum came to visit. It drove me mental and I lost it one day. My house is clean, it’s gets untidy with a toddler and it gets picked up. I told him it made me feel judged and that I wasn’t doing enough, he hasn’t done it since. We may do a bit more of a clean but nothing ott like before.

managedmis · 09/07/2019 13:03

He can do it

Tigger365 · 09/07/2019 13:03

With regards to the oven clean, you can usually get a local to do it for around £40, or, I use Koh, it was advertised on Instagram but it’s awesome on the oven (a year of icky stuff cleared pretty easily) comes with a doodler that cleans it well too.

Tigger365 · 09/07/2019 13:04

Other than that, tell him to get to fuck, she’s not the queen

Original poster
user87382294757 · 09/07/2019 13:11

I have seen in the in laws painting, yes painting, their house before a visit and being totally stressed about it! It becomes silly and yes is a bit like enabling. It is for a week

OP posts:
TwistyTop · 09/07/2019 13:12

It's DH's job to clean up for his family. It would be nice/supportive of you to offer a bit of help, but he should be the main driving force.

Also, does your SIL actually say that she is disappointed at the state of the house, or does DH just say that's how she feels? There is a big difference here. If she's actually rude about the state of the house then I would tell her to fuck off and stay somewhere else, but I suspect that DH might be projecting a bit here...

Summertimeatthebeach · 09/07/2019 13:13

So she is like HRH and thinks every home smells of gloss?!
Your dh is an enabler.
SO stop cleaning right now or you are enabling an enabler!!

Original poster
user87382294757 · 09/07/2019 13:15

What happened in the past is she gets upset and says it 'drives her mad' if there is clutter and any mess. But with two DCS already there will be. It is also DH being very sensitive to it and a bit perfectionist tbh- which again is his problem and he can deal with it! He will probably make a big fuss and do it all in a cross way - which is fine by me. It;s the same every year at Christmas also as they go OTT with presents etc and it needs to be 'perfect'. I'll just let him get on with it. It's not normal, really.

OP posts:
WishingILivedOnAnIsland · 09/07/2019 13:15

Wow your DH sounds like a real housekeeping expert with totally healthy boundaries with his sister. I am so jealous.

He and his sister are clearly right and you have no idea, so make sure you stay out well of his way (maybe on a day out with friends, no point taking chances) while he gets to work and demonstrates how a house with kids should really be cleaned.

How wonderful that your SIL is able to keep everyone in line, catering to her completely reasonable and normal ideas of cleanliness lest she unleash her 'upset and disappointment' on you all. It's so nice when a relative takes such an interest by threatening to sulk and tantrum over your failure to live your lives according to her specific standards.

While you're out of the house drinking wine with your friends you can reflect on how nice it is to have a DH who is so accomodating towards his DS's vision for his home that he is willing to boss his wife around and turn your home upside down for her benefit.