Not to clean manically for SIL visit

[user87382294757]

DH's sister is coming to visit with the DC and DH is panicking - saying we need to clean everything perfectly and even replace an old carpet which seems a bit OTT. SIL has a kind of OCD and whenever comes to visit seems to mean lots of cleaning and getting everything perfect for her or else she gets very upset and disappointed.

I mean yes I would definitely clean and tidy up but not to an obsessively neat and clean state and do things like replace carpets! Also things like replacing grouting on the bathroom and shower curtains etc.

Also I think DH invited his SIL so he should therefore be involved in this even though he works a lot - he is self employed so can be flexible- and not leave all this to me.

You never know maybe it will result in the place getting a deep clean from him which would be nice I guess! I am planning on detaching from it all and not reacting, just kind of observing. / not taking it personally. I don;t even need to take this as an insult- why define myself by cleaning? I have many other talents I think he replaced the shower when someone else visited.

Why does she not stay in a hotel OP if she’s got such exacting standards ?

Op is she generally kind to you or does she like to show you who is boss ?

We're both retired, reasonably good health and she, your SIL would hate our house! The Sunday papers are still lying around, my exam marking papers are on the sofa by my side, there's washing in the machine waiting to be hung out but you know what, I don't care! We live here, every so often we have a blitz, I'll do the windows this pm, maybe, but we're not remotely over-invested in perfection.

I am very funny about cleanliness of other people’s houses. So therefore if I know things won’t be up to “my standards” I would just decline the visit. And either meet up somewhere else. Or if it was a longer trip find a hotel/air BnB to stay in. I know it’s my issue and certainly wouldn’t expect people to majorly change their home for me.

I will do a deep clean before people come to stay, think cleaning windows etc. When people are visiting I will do a regular tidy ( hoovering, dusting) and declutter. Replacing grout and the like is frankly ridiculous. My clutter tends to come in the form of kids toys and I try to limit them to the kids bedrooms when people come over otherwise I don't mind if the kids play with a toy in the living room normally. Sil doesn't need to be pandered to that extent, if she still finds it a struggle maybe she should just invite you to hers where she has more control.

I am very funny about cleanliness of other people’s houses. So therefore if I know things won’t be up to “my standards” I would just decline the visit. And either meet up somewhere else. Or if it was a longer trip find a hotel/air BnB to stay in. I know it’s my issue and certainly wouldn’t expect people to majorly change their home for me.

Do you have OCD?

Also what would you consider to be below your standards?

I’m very relaxed about my own living but if someone was coming over I’m conscious that when it is someone else’s dirt it’s a lot more stomach turning. So I make sure the toilet smells of bleach , the bed sheets smell of clean linen, the kitchen sink is sparkling (if they’re eating at mine). Simply because if I’m going to stay somewhere I would t be comfortable in someone else’s dirt even though I’m comfortable in my own 😂😂.

But I really would never ever, make someone who is hosting me feel judged as if they owe me. i wouldn’t go examine their home and I would t care about things like laundry in their washing machine and a bit of dirt on the windows.. especially if they have kids.. or a bit of toys on the floor...

Certainly not judge their carpet..

And if their standards don’t meet that of what I expect of a host then ... I simply will suck it up or I will just stay elsewhere..

what would you consider to be below your standards?

Well, we visited other relatives in the past and the sheets smelled- like they weren't clean. That was horrible. Definitely clean sheets, clean bathroom etc and generally tidy.

Not to the extent of new carpets, immaculately clean everywhere though. Just normal.

About the oven- how would she know if it needs cleaning? She doesn't check it, does she?

Sorry User I didn’t mean to question your standards, you are the host and it’s your house and you sound like you have sensible standards.

I was just asking TwoShades merely out of curiosity about what makes he feel funny about other people’s houses. Again not in a judging way but I want to understand what is an acceptable standard for her to accept to be hosted. Mere curiousity.

IABUQueen I don’t have any type of formal diagnosis but I may well have “something”. I was brought up by an exceptionally clean and germ conscious family and I’m still that way as an adult. Generally I’m quite happy with my life and I don’t find my issues particularly impact on it. As I say, I don’t expect people to change the way they live for me I will just adapt around things and I’m happy with that.

When is she due to be arriving?

Sounds nuts. If your DH wants extra cleaning done then it is 100% up to him. I would clean/tidy to your normal standard, whatever that is, and tell him if that's not good enough he has to do anything else. If she is rude enough to comment negatively I would be very open and tell her she needs to get an Airbnb next time she wants to visit.

Last time my MIL came to stay (we live overseas) I let DH do all the preparation. It was very liberating 😊

He replaced the shower??

I just realised, we’ve lived in this house 4 years. Yesterday was the second time the kitchen windows were cleaned on the inside. And I do have an OCD diagnosis

Just updating as have done nothing except usual laundry, dishes etc and now he is going on about how it needs to be much better tidies or he will tell her she can't come. I'm kind of shrugging about this! Might get the DC to tidy their room...

He sounds like a nutjob to be honest.
Especially if its hot where you are.
Tell him to crack on.
Put your feet up.

it sounds like it's her problem and not yours. It's your house to live in as you please - if she can't can't stand the 'clutter' then she should stay in a nearby B&B/hotel. I think she's actually very rude and should accept that other people do not live like she does. Good Luck but you are DNBU.

Is she like the Queen? Does she think everywhere smells like wet paint?

He sounds a bit unwell himself! Please tell me you have asked him why HE hasnt done any cleaning?

Let him cancel, win win!

Yeah - tell him he absolutely needs to pay for the cleaner/s you've organised as it must be professional. Maybe even hire a handyman to sort carpet/whatever you can think of? Then visit to tkmaxx to but cushions which will hide multitude of sins....have fun and good luck!

He's been working a lot but yes it has been hot and have been spending time with the DCs who are off school, outdoors mainly due to the heat (too hot to clean I think).

You are all helping me feel better as feel guilty but really it is his issue as well - I am not joining in with the family obsession with this. It's OTT and it is not just her, but him I think. he keeps going on about replacing the carpet. I don;t understand surely with family it is usually more laid back? If family judge you for that...well I don't really get it!

As an aside I have offered to look after the SIL's DC as she wants to go visit friends in the city on her visit. Which I feel is kind.

YANBU!

You can't adapt your own life to deal with other people's irrational concerns. So long as the place is not going to give her botulism or fleas I think if she has especially high standards she needs to find a (sterile) hotel!

I've stayed in friends' places with standards of cleanliness below that which I prefer, but we're all different.