Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to clean manically for SIL visit

219 replies

user87382294757 · 09/07/2019 12:47

DH's sister is coming to visit with the DC and DH is panicking - saying we need to clean everything perfectly and even replace an old carpet which seems a bit OTT. SIL has a kind of OCD and whenever comes to visit seems to mean lots of cleaning and getting everything perfect for her or else she gets very upset and disappointed.

I mean yes I would definitely clean and tidy up but not to an obsessively neat and clean state and do things like replace carpets! Also things like replacing grouting on the bathroom and shower curtains etc.

Also I think DH invited his SIL so he should therefore be involved in this even though he works a lot - he is self employed so can be flexible- and not leave all this to me.

OP posts:
TowelNumber42 · 09/07/2019 16:20

Have a firm line that the house will never be good enough and thus you refuse to do anything special: you can't win anyway.

Me, I'd go extra scruffy.

Any comments from her or DH about her would be met with my most concerned face and hoping she gets her mental health sorted soon and is she getting any help yet? Head tilt.

Definitely openly treat any comments by anyone as a judgement on her not you and react accordingly.

Original poster
user87382294757 · 09/07/2019 16:26

No it is not a proper diagnosis, I don't think. DH's whole family are a bit like it tbh, so it is a bit normalised. I mean he is a bit too- although he says we 'just have different standards Grin

Thanks you, this has helped. I was feeling like a bit of a resentful slob- I do tidy and there are never any dishes left in the sink and laundry usually done, place generally clean, but I have depression myself so it is not easy and to have this landed on me just at the end of term when we are all exhausted and relatively slovenly, (in comparison to start of term perhaps when a bit more organised) is a bit much.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 09/07/2019 16:35

It hasn't been landed on you if you refuse.

Tell him if he wants things a certain way then to crack on or cancel the visit. I mean by all means do the amount of guest prep you would normally do but all batshit bollocks is all him.

IABUQueen · 09/07/2019 16:39

This doesn’t sound like OCD to me. This sounds like SIL uses cleanliness as a way to put people down and feel like royalty . I got myself one of these.

wibbletooth · 09/07/2019 16:40

I would tell her in advance that you're particularly busy at the moment so whilst you're looking forward to seeing her, it's all hectic and wonderfully chaotic, so she'll have a chance to experience real family life with you...

And then sit back and see what she says!

Squigglesworth · 09/07/2019 16:43

If he's the one who thinks it needs to be done (beyond the normal level of what you'd do for any visitor), he can be the one to do it. Otherwise, it won't get done, and life will go on.

SIL will survive the ordeal of staying in a normal, less-than-perfectly clean home. If she doesn't like it, she can find somewhere else to stay. Maybe she can help with the cleaning, herself, if she's that bothered by it (assuming you wouldn't mind if she did). Wink

UpToTheRigs · 09/07/2019 16:49

If your family home isn't up to scratch for her then she can book a hotel! So rude demanding a certain standard of accommodation when you are visiting someone as a guest.

Jeremybearimybaby · 09/07/2019 16:55

Ah but it hasn't been landed on you. You do nothing. DH does everything. Everything. After all, you're not up to his 'standards' are you?
Carry on as usual OP - I'd be making this my hill to die on. If you don't, it'll be expected every time the Queen deigns to stay. Flowers

tinytemper66 · 09/07/2019 16:57

So what are you going to do?

mbosnz · 09/07/2019 16:58

Thanks you, this has helped. I was feeling like a bit of a resentful slob- I do tidy and there are never any dishes left in the sink and laundry usually done, place generally clean, but I have depression myself so it is not easy and to have this landed on me just at the end of term when we are all exhausted and relatively slovenly, (in comparison to start of term perhaps when a bit more organised) is a bit much.

Wine and/or Cake ? Smile

Original poster
user87382294757 · 09/07/2019 17:47

I will feel better about doing less. I will help with small things like change the bed and put clean sheets on and that, but not anything mad

OP posts:
IABUQueen · 09/07/2019 17:58

And when she comes make sure to say proudly:

“ thank you DH for cleaning the house darling” Infront of his sister

TowelNumber42 · 09/07/2019 18:02

Practice your sad sympathetic head tilt for when she makes comments about your house. It has to be totally reflex to sympathise with her issues instead of reacting defensively to her dusting the cat.

You could turn this into sport.

BMW6 · 09/07/2019 18:12

Have a list pre prepared of the best hotels in your vicinity.

The first remark she makes disparaging your home say nothing, just pass the list to her.

Tell DH to help himself to cleaning everything to her/his satisfaction, you will only be doing a normal tidy up etc

If he moans or gets arsey give the hotel list to him. She can stay with him there.

serenoa · 09/07/2019 18:24

...although he says we 'just have different standards

Does he indeed! To me that sounds very condescending of him. This would get some very strong words from me including 'get', 'over', 'yourself', and maybe 'otherwise' and 'divorce'.

timeisnotaline · 09/07/2019 18:29

And when she comes make sure to say proudly:
“ thank you DH for cleaning the house darling” Infront of his sister

this all the way :) You could follow it with a quick slightly concerned 'I don't think he cleaned the oven though, or defrosted the freezer. or the windows... ' trail off.

plasterboots · 09/07/2019 18:30

@user87382294757 I think that Airbnb is you DSIL friend, she can go to one of those!

HJWT · 09/07/2019 18:42

If it bothers her so much why doesn't she get a hotel ?

Motoko · 09/07/2019 19:37

I have to wonder, why she agreed to come in the first place, if she was so "upset" about your home, before.

You also need to have words with your H, about inviting people to stay, without discussing it with you first.

IABUQueen · 09/07/2019 20:06

Op of your DH won’t do the cleaning and guilts you about his work load, then let him pay for a cleaner that would... that should teach him to only have standards that he is ready to grease his elbows for.

wibbletooth · 09/07/2019 21:45

I would also go on the attack - in the nicest possible way - about how unhealthy it is to live in a house that is too clean, that uses too many cleaning chemicals etc - especially for children.

We all need to live around some dirt and have exposure to it on an everyday basis to build up our immune systems.

Point out that you are doing her a favour by giving her a break from too many dodgy chemicals and ensuring she gets exposure to a new herd of bioflora (or whatever the current word is that makes dirt sound less - well - dirty Grin)

Heatherjayne1972 · 09/07/2019 21:52

Tbh I’d be massively offended by all this
Guests have no right to dictate the cleanliness of your home

I’m fuming just reading this

She’d hate to be my sil

altiara · 09/07/2019 22:03

I’m desperate for new carpet and an oven clean, please send your DH over to fix this Grin

chamenanged · 09/07/2019 22:23

He's also saying now the oven needs a deep clean before she comes and have I done anything yet?

What the fuck? How does he dare?

NCforpoo · 09/07/2019 22:37

State what you will be doing in preparation (basic clean like for any guest but be specific- Hoover, change sheets, dust, give bathroom and kitchen once over... whatever you want to do). And that he is welcome to do anything else that he feels "needs" doing. End of.
If he wants to decorate or deep clean then let him. But say you won't be getting involved. He invited her!

Swipe left for the next trending thread