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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to clean manically for SIL visit

219 replies

user87382294757 · 09/07/2019 12:47

DH's sister is coming to visit with the DC and DH is panicking - saying we need to clean everything perfectly and even replace an old carpet which seems a bit OTT. SIL has a kind of OCD and whenever comes to visit seems to mean lots of cleaning and getting everything perfect for her or else she gets very upset and disappointed.

I mean yes I would definitely clean and tidy up but not to an obsessively neat and clean state and do things like replace carpets! Also things like replacing grouting on the bathroom and shower curtains etc.

Also I think DH invited his SIL so he should therefore be involved in this even though he works a lot - he is self employed so can be flexible- and not leave all this to me.

OP posts:
HandsOffMyRights · 26/07/2019 07:01

You and the kids should go away and leave them all too it.

HandsOffMyRights · 26/07/2019 07:02

to

PonderingPanda · 26/07/2019 07:03

OP - you're going to cancel your holiday!!!! That's absolutely ridiculous and if you do then you're just as bad as DH with the pandering.

Original poster
user87382294757 · 26/07/2019 07:06

Yes, would be lovely to just go off and do that! It will be like Christmas no doubt, where the same kind of thing happens. I send my family some simple cards and bits, he goes into a mad fuss about the 'right' presents for his family and I try and ignore it till he spends almost a whole week fussing and ordering things to get it right etc. He told me he has nightmares, real ones, about not having the right Christmas presents. It is really his issue I think not just the rest of the family.

OP posts:
Original poster
user87382294757 · 26/07/2019 07:07

The holiday plans are kind of vague- he is self employed so it is when he can get off. Not booked. But if we don't go I will be a bit fed up yes.

OP posts:
caughtinanet · 26/07/2019 07:14

It's stressful just reading your posts.

Your DH and his family have some serious issues, tbh I wouldn't be able to put up with that, he needs to know that his behaviour is not in any way normal

timeisnotaline · 26/07/2019 07:16

Do NOT cancel a holiday. With teen dds you can easily go without him and leave him to do the prep.

expat101 · 26/07/2019 07:17

I have skipped 6 pages to say when my SIL visits, who is far more fastidious than I in the cleaning dept, hooks in and does what she wants with little fuss. It's her thing, I'm happy, she feels happy, and we have a great time together.

Drop any house guest who lowers the bottom lip. either they tuck in and help, or they can bugger off to a hotel.

Sobeyondthehills · 26/07/2019 07:23

I have OCD stop pandering to this shit, tell your husband he is doing a massive disservice to those that actually have to live with this fucking nightmare.

Oh and I would tell your SIL to stuff it as well.

I would certainly not be cancelling any holiday either

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 26/07/2019 07:30

Agree with caughtinanet just reading it is stressful can’t imagine what it is like for you.

This situation is insane - Keep disengaging and highlighting this isn’t normal behaviour or response.

Agree with other that I would insist upon going on the planned holiday.

Original poster
user87382294757 · 26/07/2019 07:34

Yes it all makes me feel more stressed. We have a hospital appt today which they have said may take several hours...so no cleaning today either. Why does everything have to be so stressful. It is not just me. I am starting to realise that. they think it is normal but it really isn't. My own family are kind of alternative and grew up in completely different way so I feel I am unsure what is actually normal sometimes. But I do know my own family are far more laid back, and friends, and would laugh at all this fuss!

OP posts:
cherryblossomgin · 26/07/2019 07:43

If DH wants to deep clean and replace carpets let him but I would have no part in it. When family visit I do a general clean that I do anyway. Also let DC clean his own room.

Knittedjimmychoos · 26/07/2019 07:50

It's not healthy op6, your dh having nightmare over presents.

I'd be sitting him down and asking him if he enjoys feeling this way6, the pressure nightmares and stress m
Explain people have visitors all the time and never feel these things and it would be far better to free himself, rather than dive in and go along with it... It's not healthy.

I'd suggest some Relate counseling. He's not his own man.

Original poster
user87382294757 · 26/07/2019 07:58

There has been other family drama around presents- one time someone forgot their presents and was very upset, crying and the like. Another time one lost theirs in town in the rush and was terribly upset.

It all seems to be around interpreting this stuff as caring / love. If you loved that person enough you would make it all perfect for them. I think it all stems from his controlling angry father to be honest. But they all need some kind of family therapy I guess for that.

Anyway not my problem, I will just try and get on with life as normal as much as possible I guess, my own family are in a different country so it also brings home that they are far away etc and not as close (maybe good) but there we go. Families.

OP posts:
Dexterslockedintheshedagain · 26/07/2019 08:01

Unless your SIL is sleeping in the oven tell him to fuck off.

Made me properly chuckle! Grin

Dexterslockedintheshedagain · 26/07/2019 08:06

When is she coming? Would you even have time to get the carpet replaced? I've always had to wait for a while whenever I've had new carpet (not that you should get it replaced just for her).
Think you have the right attitude-let your DH get in with it!

Original poster
user87382294757 · 26/07/2019 08:09

Week after next. Meant to be away next week. I think we could do a quick clean in a day when we get back...say on the Sunday, yes the carpet website says take a couple of weeks in total.

I don't care about the carpet unless someone trips on it, think we can cover the other bit anyway. But we seem to have some moths in the kitchen! Argh. Not sure where they have come from, fruit perhaps. Will chuck it out. Can blame most mess on the DC. They are quite messy anyway.

OP posts:
GhostRidersInDisguise · 26/07/2019 08:12

This thread has brought back a tonne of memories of a relationship I had years ago. With the benefit of hindsight I have been able to put a fair few labels on this guy. OCD, autism, gay are just three but I remember he would obsessively clean and the house was already spotless. I moved in with him but moved out after six months as I couldn't actually 'live' there. I was existing only and providing an image to the world that bore no resemblance to me as a living breathing person. Our life projected a fantasy image of his only and how he wanted to live. Something from Homes and Gardens magazine basically. He was very scornful of my brother's house that is clean but full of comfy sofas, cushions and candles. People drop in all the time and my Bro often puts people up when they are in distress. My Bro lives his life and I wanted to live mine. I ended the relationship over an issue that made it clear I would never be good enough. The stress of always feeling inadequate took a terrible toll on me. I was with him for four years and all those bad feelings come across to me in your post OP. Princess picky is being enabled by her family. Don't be like them. Live the way you want to. It's a short stay on planet earth.

LegionOfDoom · 26/07/2019 08:22

GhostRidersInDisguise

Gay???

Motoko · 26/07/2019 08:41

You really should go away still, with your kids. Keep on as you would normally, and don't bow to pressure from your husband. This is his problem, that he has created himself to deal with. He needs to learn that if he carries on inviting his family to stay, without even talking to you beforehand, then all the extra work that he's insisting on, will fall to him. With a bit of luck, he'll soon decide it's not worth the hassle when it's him who has to do all this extra prep. If you do it, it doesn't affect him, and he'll carry on like this.

Stay strong OP, you've got the MN posse behind you!

Original poster
user87382294757 · 26/07/2019 08:46

Yes it is like enabling him to join in with it isn't it? I am finding my depression worsening and struggling even to do simple things. Need to get ready for the hospital now. I might tell the DC to help tidy their rooms a bit but they need to anyway, not for the visit. and remind him if he moans that he invited her and it is his choice to behave like this.

OP posts:
LittleBearPad · 26/07/2019 08:56

If you go away next week with the kids next week OP he can stay home and take the opportunity to tidy everything maniacally.

Win win. Grin

ineedaholidaynow · 26/07/2019 09:18

Definitely don’t cancel your week away and don’t pander to your DH and SIL. As others have said if she actually has OCD you are enabling her, and if she is simply a fussy mare stuff her. Surely it is about family having time together.

WishingILivedOnAnIsland · 26/07/2019 09:37

Good on you OP, leave him to it.

I think my husband is similar. His father is controlling and any 'imperfection' (as in, you gave me the wrong brand of chocolate) results in him accusing the gift giver of purposely trying to slight him and accusations of 'you don't really love me.' Consequently the whole family runs around like chickens without heads trying to make sure the gift is perfect, wording on the card is perfect, he and MIL are made to feel important at all times. If PIL visit and our kitchen has clutter in it, they complain to my husband that I purposely kept a messy house before their visit in order to disrespect them and show a lack of gratitude to them. They all think this is normal and part of showing you care.

It's fucking bonkers. When we were first married I bought into it and found myself walking on eggshells and tying myself into a pretzel to meet this ever moving target of 'enough' for them. Then eventually I realised (with the help of my counsellor actually), that they don't give a fuck how they are making me feel so why should I keep exhausting myself to try and protect their feelings.

I took the power back. I told DH that their standards were bonkers and they never appreciated my efforts so I wasn't doing anymore emotional labour or 'wife work' for his family. I wouldn't be remembering birthdays, writing cards, buying gifts etc. I'd do my family and he can do his. He always makes a meal of it, and he gets migraines at Christmas.

It's their nonsense. Don't let them convince you that it's normal just because it's normal to them.

Real love involves flexibility, and accepting that people don't perform like a robot you get to program.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 26/07/2019 10:08

Do not cancel your holiday, it would be unfair on your children to have to have to spend their time with you pandering to your SIL and will not do your mental health any good at all, she can stay with your MIL