Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to clean manically for SIL visit

219 replies

user87382294757 · 09/07/2019 12:47

DH's sister is coming to visit with the DC and DH is panicking - saying we need to clean everything perfectly and even replace an old carpet which seems a bit OTT. SIL has a kind of OCD and whenever comes to visit seems to mean lots of cleaning and getting everything perfect for her or else she gets very upset and disappointed.

I mean yes I would definitely clean and tidy up but not to an obsessively neat and clean state and do things like replace carpets! Also things like replacing grouting on the bathroom and shower curtains etc.

Also I think DH invited his SIL so he should therefore be involved in this even though he works a lot - he is self employed so can be flexible- and not leave all this to me.

OP posts:
coconutpie · 26/07/2019 10:49

This is the most insane thing I've ever heard.

I have a better solution for you OP - instead of going away next week, take the kids and head off the week after (the week of crazy SIL visit).

Or just tell them to go to PIL house instead. This is absolute insanity to be pandering to her crap.

Dexterslockedintheshedagain · 26/07/2019 11:47

My husbands similar. I can't leave anything 'out' he huffs and puffs until I put it away.
Our DD is a typical messy 12yr old and it drives him nuts, he's on her case all the time. Sometimes I think she does it just to wind him up now. It's like living in a war zone!

Dexterslockedintheshedagain · 26/07/2019 11:49

Send her elsewhere for the week. You should be comfortable in your own home, not walking on eggshells waiting for her next criticism.
And your DH? Well, he can join her and they can be pristine together! Grin

Happymum12345 · 26/07/2019 12:24

I go a little bit potty before guests arrive-especially if I know their homes are amazing. I’ve been known to paint walls, doors & floorboards, buy new furniture & declutter my home. It’s a good excuse to give your house a top to bottom sort out. As it’s me with the issues, I do it all myself so perhaps your dh should do more to help before sil arrives.

twoshedsjackson · 26/07/2019 13:22

LittouseBearPad and several other posters have it - take the DC and enjoy your holiday (sounds as if you need one!) and put a positive spin on it. Tell DH you are giving him a Nice Clear Run to render the house perfect for her visit, and taking the DC off his hands so they don't spoil the effect with, like, existing. Remind him who made the invitation, and ask why he's giving himself this stress when local hotels are available.

GhostRidersInDisguise · 26/07/2019 13:30

Yes LegionOfDoom I do think he was gay but it had no bearing on his obsessive cleaning so I have just re-read and see what you see. :)
He also used to criticise my clothes and my car even though neither were dirty, just not posh enough for him. He used to refer to himself as an aesthete which was hilarious actually looking back.

Original poster
user87382294757 · 26/07/2019 13:38

Well, last night it seems DH and the DC tidied the lounge as it is all neat this morning- then after breakfast my eldest son announced "I think I might hoover the lounge now". (he does not normally hoover) and off he went with the Henry - I showed him how to use the different parts to do behind the cushions on the chairs etc.

So I guess at least that is a positive. Nice to not have to do it myself as had the hospital visit to go to.

OP posts:
Original poster
user87382294757 · 26/07/2019 13:47

Wishing that is interesting as sounds like exactly the same dynamic here, it all stems from the FIL here too. I think this has then resulted in anxiety in the children (DH and siblings) I am trying to remember it is their issues, and not react too much in getting upset but like you letting them get on with it. I too just do my own family at Christmas...and let him do his. Mine still thinks it is normal though. His father was also (and still can be) controlling, I manage him OK (do not make special sudd for any visits) and think as I am not directly part of the family he can't be as rude to me and controlling as he has been to other family members. They can take me as they find me... DH has got a bit better since having children...had to I guess...but it is still there with relatives...and yes, that undercurrent of caring / love being associated with it all. I hope it improved for you after the counselling. Interested to know if your DH changed any over time. Sometimes if you get them to see it is OK, once, they can learn from it perhaps. Mine is very stressed at the moment over other things so think it is worse.

OP posts:
averythinline · 26/07/2019 14:00

I think wishing post is spot on.....my mum is like this I think as a result of her awful childhood & upbringing and gets herself into a complete state about the 'right' christmas present/card etc
years of this have made her very mentally unwell and it has been diagnosed as a form of ptsd as she cannot cope with any form of stress...
I have to guard myself against occasional tendancies of this...luckily i am quite lazy so can do it but it's in my conditioning as a child...

family therapy helped me see it ....when i was early 20s but not my mum....

all I would say is watch your mental health over this- , go away for your holiday....and maybe talk to your dh about him getting some help with stress management/therapy for himself as those sorts of levels of stressiness are not healthy...

woodhill · 26/07/2019 14:20

Sorry you can not go away OP.

Do her own dc not make mess when they come. Does she bring a partner as well.

yanbu - your dh needs to chill and if she doesn't like it she can lump it

Hadalifeonce · 26/07/2019 14:40

I like to have an extra clean for guests, DH thinks this is totally unnecessary, and he has a 3 night rule, no matter who they are, or how far they have come. It's actually far less stressful, I would be a bit of a softy, and let people stay longer causing me more stress

Original poster
user87382294757 · 26/07/2019 15:27

3 night rule good to me- in fact I said that to my brother in the past, then as their family got bigger said they needed to stay nearby- but I can as that is my family and I can do it with them.

Well it is the first time she will be staying with DC and yes they probably will make a mess due to their ages (little). She will not be bringing a partner as he is working. There is some additional stress and illness in the family also and I think everyone is reacting to that also- like a coping mechanism for them? So I'm trying to take a deep breathe and be patient- not a martyr though.

OP posts:
wibbletooth · 26/07/2019 15:56

Op I hope that you manage to get away even if not for a full week, it sounds like it will do you good.

You need to tell your dh that his obsessions are causing you stress and nightmares and that you are prepared to make the house normally nice to the best of your abilities (taking into account heat, hospital, holidays etc) but that you are not prepared to ruin a week of your holiday and go crazy nightmarish OCD OTT just to enable very unreasonable expectations. If the carpet/grout/etc is good enough for your dh’s wife and children then it is good enough for his sis. If it was something that had been planned anyway it’s one thing to move it forward a week or two if that is easy to plan for (from when you were sorting it ages ago). On the other hand with young kids there is also an argument to say to actively not do it or other big improvements until after they have gone because little kids have accidents and spoil things and it would really bug you if you spent money on a nice carpet that was stained in its first week and you had to look at that stain going forward (just as I still feel when sitting in the busy spring in my sofa caused by one of dh’s nieces probably 20 years ago by being bounced on the sofa by bil - I tried to phrase it as nicely as I could to watch out that dn didn’t get hurt as sofa wasn’t cut out for that - no worries he says, she doesn’t get to do this at home and she likes the noise it makes Angry)

Make sure you make sil do tidying too to toddler proof the lounge or whatever room you plan on keeping her little kids mostly in - in the basis that she will be up to date with what they need and you’re not.

But definitely get your holiday in - you need it to give you strength for dil’s visit!

wibbletooth · 26/07/2019 15:57

Grr. Autocorrect changed sil to dil. Sil’s visit.

Haffdonga · 26/07/2019 16:12

Goodness. Do they do all the new carpet stuff in your honour when you visit them or is it only for special family members?

Have you pointed out to your dh that this stress around his own family visiting is batshit crazy a little OTT?

SaraNade · 26/07/2019 17:06

You are definitely NBU, him and his family sound like they need serious intensive therapy. It is simply just not normal to do all this. Not normal at all. She is coming to see you, not the house! Also how far away from you does she live that a visit with you requires her staying a week? Is a week really necessary? I could see visiting for the weekend, but a week? I could simply not put up with the stress of her and her issues, along with other younger children, for a week. How about they stay for a weekend, and then spend 4 or 5 days with PIL?

Knittedjimmychoos · 26/07/2019 17:12

Op doesn't going to see your family make himself think... These people visit each other without all this and they live! They survive!

wishingI had v similar situation.

I've posted about my Mil before, bringing student style blanket covers to our house to put over our sofas (her outcasts), re arranging a throw at child's party, crying over the mess at the child's party, turning the music down etc.

Your right, they don't care about your feelings when they Re doing all this, I just can't understand how people can feel so entitled!

woodhill · 26/07/2019 17:25

wibble I would have told your dn off for doing that on ur sofa, shame on your relative enabling her to bounce

Totalwasteofpaper · 30/07/2019 19:25

.

Original poster
user87382294757 · 06/08/2019 07:04

Hi they do live in a different country hence length of visit.

So my last update- we did go away which meant little time to get ready, and DH taking time off work to do all the jobs- we now have new toilet seat, descaled shower, and kettle and also new grout!

Quite a bit of grumping a comments about missing work from him which I ignored. I did defrost the freezer which needed doing anyway and changed the beds, going to hoover in a mo.

But anyway, yes just leaving him to it a bit resulted in some jobs getting done and not giving in to him meant he had to get stuck in, so win-win really.

OP posts:
Original poster
user87382294757 · 06/08/2019 07:05

Now just visit to go Grin

OP posts:
Gingernaut · 06/08/2019 07:12

Wow.

Good luck.

Bluntness100 · 06/08/2019 07:22

I wonder if there is a bit of house pride in this? To some extent many people will have some of what you describe. They want their homes to look nice and someone coming to stay will spur them on to do the little jobs that need doing.

It's a different angle, could potentially explain your husband's and his families behaviour. It's not about his sister so much. But more he wants his home to look nice for any visitors.

Original poster
user87382294757 · 06/08/2019 07:42

Yes I mean he did the same when my brother's family came to stay too. At least it gets some things done (although still think he really feels I should be doing it!) It is just the addition of his family's high expectations as well.

I do think we all have some house pride maybe not to such an extent though! Anyway i feel a bit better with the house looking better as well.

OP posts:
Isatis · 06/08/2019 07:46

Goodness, this visit seems to have been causing major stress for the last month. I just couldn't be doing with it, I'd tell SIL to go to a hotel if our standards aren't good enough for her.