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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to clean manically for SIL visit

219 replies

user87382294757 · 09/07/2019 12:47

DH's sister is coming to visit with the DC and DH is panicking - saying we need to clean everything perfectly and even replace an old carpet which seems a bit OTT. SIL has a kind of OCD and whenever comes to visit seems to mean lots of cleaning and getting everything perfect for her or else she gets very upset and disappointed.

I mean yes I would definitely clean and tidy up but not to an obsessively neat and clean state and do things like replace carpets! Also things like replacing grouting on the bathroom and shower curtains etc.

Also I think DH invited his SIL so he should therefore be involved in this even though he works a lot - he is self employed so can be flexible- and not leave all this to me.

OP posts:
Motoko · 06/08/2019 08:14

It's all very well being house proud, but you can't expect someone else to do all the jobs that you deem necessary before a visit.

Bluntness100 · 06/08/2019 08:27

Motoko, I don't think anyone said he should Hmm

Op, yes, to some extent many of us have a bit of this.redoing the grouting etc seems extreme, but clearly we haven't seen thr state of it and if it was a bit of an eye sore or not. Obviously he shouldn't expect you to do it, that's odd, and clearly the sister has issues, but to be fair to him the concept of making your house look nice for visitors isn't that abnormal.

KUGA · 06/08/2019 08:42

Even if royalty was visiting I would do my usual clean.
If DH wants it done better give him the job.

Lumene · 06/08/2019 08:43

YANBU.

If he wants to tidy up he can.

hopeishere · 06/08/2019 09:06

I often think visitors (long term) are often a reason for some sprucing up so if the caret needed replaced then yeah why not do it now.

But the test does seem to be enabling behaviour.

Is her own house pristine?? Re the batteries it's a worry but it sounds like over anxiety on her part.

GhostRidersInDisguise · 06/08/2019 09:38

So you've got to let us know how the visit goes OP. :)

Motoko · 06/08/2019 11:53

Motoko, I don't think anyone said he should hmm

I know, but he seems to think it's ok.

Original poster
user87382294757 · 08/08/2019 04:34

It isn;t going very well. The meaning is not so much of an issue it seems however what is happening is that the focus seems to be on the DC (hers not mine - mine are older) It seems to be around things like food, sleep schedules and things like that, constant obsessing, getting very upset when things are not right / followed / eaten...and then the young DC are picking up and having tantrums etc, almost thriving on all the drama and upset Sad. Not sure quite what to do, just make it through I guess. Then she says she has no idea what to do to improve their behaviour and is focusing on getting some kind of outside help.

I do understand they are quite young and want to help, but this is so hard as everything is responded to and taken very personally.

Have had my neighbour ring (very polite one- said "Oh have you family staying?"- they MUST know as is so loud all the banging, screaming etc).Asking when they are staying until. My older DC are helping out and that is helping some.

The weather is forecast to be bad after today and wondering how to get through to the end of the weekend. DH took today off work but needs to go back the next couple of days. He has been cooking etc and trying to help, though.

OP posts:
Original poster
user87382294757 · 08/08/2019 04:35

I mean 'the cleaning' in the first line. A bit tired, sorry.

OP posts:
Original poster
user87382294757 · 08/08/2019 04:38

Also, the youngest is 2 so understandable if they have tantrums etc but with the other, DC is 5...and for example if hits mum gets told "ouch' for example. Keeps going. I did say something about consequences but was told they can't understand it at that age? Argh.

OP posts:
RightYesButNo · 08/08/2019 06:46

Feel very badly for you, @user87382294757. Fucking yikes at the idea that a five year old can’t understand consequences. Hmm Even most two-year-old children (without SEN) can understand “no,” though yes, tantrums happen. You’re in for a VERY long visit. Can you perhaps stock your car up to the gills with wine and your own DC and just drive away right now until it’s over?

greenwaterbottle · 08/08/2019 08:08

Sounds awful. Soft play? Park today while the weathers good.

Tonnerre · 08/08/2019 08:18

Then she says she has no idea what to do to improve their behaviour and is focusing on getting some kind of outside help

It sounds as if it is your SIL who needs professional help in relation to her own obsessions. Can you or your DH suggest a referral for counselling or parenting classes?

katewhinesalot · 08/08/2019 09:04

Poor kids.

How would she react if you just told her how her anxieties are affecting the kids behaviour. Woukd she get over the upset eventually and take note? You've got to try something for the sake of the kids.

Original poster
user87382294757 · 08/08/2019 16:22

I have tried kind of demonstrating while playing with them - like if they are rude we will have to stop painting or whatever- and they are responding well so maybe she will kind of see- don't feel can say something like that not while this is all so hectic. I'm not very happy with DH for going into work as usual but he already was off two days. Am totally shattered as they are so full on and need constant attention and the negativity from all of them is getting me down. Yes we got out to the park but had to come back quite soon as meltdowns etc and they were shouting at her horrible stuff. Sad It is a very difficult atmosphere.

OP posts:
greenwaterbottle · 08/08/2019 16:39

Oh gosh. I think I'd need to invent some important appointments for you. You need to go shopping, pop to your family, get your hair done etc.

Original poster
user87382294757 · 09/08/2019 06:19

If I did that my sons would be left with them - unless I take them and the others would want to join. The 5 year old ran away when last out - I offered to mind them and won't do that again. Felling trapped but only for a day or two and DH is off tomorrow.

OP posts:
wibbletooth · 09/08/2019 11:52

Maybe it’s time for you to have a bigger meltdown/breakdown/tantrum/explosion/rant at them the next time their dc pkays up and she just wiffles instead of doing anything. Just take a deep breath, a loud ‘oh for goodness sake. It’s not difficult you’re causing all this. Of course a 5 yr old is old enough to understand cause and effect and consequences. So is the 2 yr old. Will they get it right every time? Of course not. But that’s no reason not to use them - of course they’re not going to pick it up if they don’t experience it. You need to grow up and parent them rather than take the easy road and let them dictate to you making life a misery for everyone else...’ and so on...

Won’t necessarily go down well but might make her think, might do something and if she doesn’t want to come again - result Grin

PerkyPomPoms · 10/08/2019 11:49

It sounds horrific

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