Can some things break a person?

[Chloe9]

You hear people say things like "she was never the same after they got divorced" or "he was never quite right after that heart attack"
I'm afraid that I have survived something that was just too much for me and that I can't seem to get back from

AIBU to think that some things are just too big for some people to deal with and change them forever?

When you survive something everybody says how strong you are. But what if your not that strong? What if you survive something that was just too big? What if the personal cost was too great?

Or is everything fixable with time, counselling etc.? AIBU to think that some things can break a person forever?

Yes, some things can break people forever. Or sometimes, particularly when you're young you feel like you'll feel that way forever and you won't. It's far too broad and individual and dependent on individual personalities to generalise

The only way you will find out in your own personal case is to keep on keeping on and see what happens.

But of course some things can and do break a person. Be that because they lack the resolve to recover, or because there really was no way they could recover, is something literally only they will ever know, if anybody does.

I'm very sorry for whatever it is that you have suffered that you are struggling with; I think the best thing you can do is be gentle with yourself and give it time. Every night you go to sleep eventually, and every morning could be the day the sun starts to shine a little brighter again. If you really are irrevocably broken, then there's nothing worse can happen from holding on just another day to be sure you're right. You might be wrong.

YANBU and I'm sorry this has happened to you. But being "broken" doesn't mean that you can't build a new, different Chloe9, with time and support. It may be different from the old Chloe but it won't necessarily be worse

Some times something's break you, but you can move on from that brokeness and actually be happier. Just because someone's different after something it doesn't mean it's in a "bad" way.

For instance a women who has deal with a bad relationship might now be more fierce etc.

i can’t imagine anyone going thru something dramatic - bereavement, car accident, cancer etc, and not be changed forever in some way. But that doesn’t mean they can’t survive it. I’m never going to forget the pain and devastation of my husband’s sudden death, but I’m surviving just fine. Sure I still cry over it (ten years later) and mourn the life we didn’t get to have together.
You hear of people dying of a broken heart when they pass away shortly after their long term spouses death. I guess they were broken.
You can survive tragedy, but it will forever change you - you can’t be fixed as if it never happened.

I'm amazed my heart keeps beating to be honest. But I'm just a shell of a person and I keep letting everybody down (my kids). I wish I was stronger, fierce, instead I'm just empty.

I remember reading a book once about the experiences of mothers whose DC had been sexually abused called something like, "strong at the broken places". Yes some things do break people but breaks heal with time and care, the old break doesn't disappear but it can heal.

I’m sorry OP. Have you had therapy for what happened?

Definitely things can change you, sometimes that makes you stronger, sonetimes it makes you more vulnerable. Sometimes it just makes you different. Some things are really hard to live with, but if you are still here you're doing something right. I'm not sure it helps to think in terms of brokenness. There is no definitive way to be you, and this is just the way you are right now. It doesn't mean previous you was doing better, or that future you won't feel happier. Look after yourself as best you can and keep on.

I believe that major upheavals (bereavements, broken relationships, serious medical problems) can forever change us. We'll never be exactly the same as we were before those things happen, because our experiences shape who we are, how we think, etc.

However, I also believe that there is always the possibility for improvement. It's a cliche, but time is the great healer, and life almost always returns to something closer to our old "normal", given enough time. It's important to remember that nothing lasts forever-- in a good way as well as a bad. As awful as things can be in a given moment, that moment will eventually pass, and something that changes your life for the better may be hidden around the next corner.

I remember on bargain hunt years ago there was this pottery that had been repaired with gold in the cracks so that the broken parts were the most beautiful and making it worth considerably more. So that the best bits were the cracks. I'd love to be like that. But I'm just hurt, angry, sad, distant. I want to heal if all with love but I just don't have the energy. It's like I'm drained. I keep trying to keep on going but it's like I'm a ghost. Like I'm a shadow. And everything that came afterward that day has just been half arsed and half hearted.

@NoSauce Only some counselling.

I think things can be shaken up after something awful happens but you get come to terms with it and are put back together but in a different way. My personality changed because of things that I've experienced and I'm not the same person that I used to be. I wouldn't say I was broken though because that suggests to me that you can't be 'fixed'

I think some things can. But some things only seem to at the time, and time (with intent) does heel.
It’s like a very bad breakup; at the time it can seem like you won’t recover, like you’ll never find someone else. Even thinking about these things can feel overwhelming. But after going through the grieving process, you do begin to recover.
This isn’t the same for everything. Some things do break people I believe.

I wouldn't use the word "fixable" because, as pp's have pointed out, some things do change you forever. I hate all those sayings around people never being given more than they can handle because it's just not true. If it were, no one would commit suicide. Something traumatic happened to me a couple of years ago that has changed me completely. But, I am now happy in myself. What has helped me is to not mourn the past and the "old" me. It happened, it's done, I can't change it. But slowly you can find happiness again. I agree with the advice to be gentle with yourself and give it time. I've found it a struggle when the people around me have wanted me to return to how I was and I just can't. I understand they want it because they want me to be ok, but they've had to come to terms with me not being who I was too. But again, I can't feel bad about that. It is what it is.

How old are your children?
Though you are having a rough time, and may not be as attentive or playful as you usually are, your physical presence is very important to them.

Of course things can break you, or at the very least change you.

No one is the innocent and happy self they were at 5, 10 or 15. Shit happens, and it does change you. How you recover varies from people to people.

Some people just give up. If you survive and keep going, you ARE strong. You might realise you are different, you heart is broken, but you keep going. That's the best you can do.

I guess residence is a thing which can happen after going through something terrible. Maybe it depends on how you come to terms with it. Or what the thing is.

'resilience'

I thought I could survive it. But it's getting harder not easier with time. I feel like even if I do start healing it won't be in time to be the parent I need to be. Or that I'll be so depressed and destroyed I won't be able to be in their lives at all. I'm scared I'm going to be so depressed I give them up, and then regret it forever. I'm trying to feed them from an empty pot though.

I know it’s incredibly cliche but I do think time is a healer. Or something along those lines.

I’ve been through so many awful things in my life, whenever I mention just one of them to someone new they look at me with complete horror and pity. I’ve given up talking to people about things as a whole really, but you just pick yourself up after a while and carry on. As long as your heart is still beating you go to bed and you wake up and you keep living and as time goes on you have to try and find the little tiny things in life that are joyful and cling to those. Eventually the pain becomes less intense. It never goes and maybe you do change as a person but everyone does, regardless of whatever happens; everyone changes.

Yes. I am not the same person I was 2 years ago. I used to be happier but, now I am the shell of a person I used to be.

Problem is I start improving the situation and then I get in the way. It's like I'm taking two steps forwards and three steps back over and over again and I'm worried that people are going to lose patience with me.

Sorry to hear that @darkriver19886

Some people simply have no reserves left when it comes to keeping going, so have to give up. Not out of weakness or choice but out of being entirely empty. And what works for one person (counselling, therapy, medication) may not work for the next. What helps one person (friends kicking them up the arse, family shouting "get your act together" or the unrelenting kindness of someone at work offering a hand) won't help the next. So there's really no comparing or contrasting each person's loss or grief or difficulty.

I do think you're right, some things can make a person break entirely, and platitudes like "give yourself time" don't help, but are really the only thing possible to offer because only you can know if you're going to come through it. to you OP, and know that there are always invisible people on here sending love and hoping you can keep going.