Can some things break a person?

[Chloe9]

You hear people say things like "she was never the same after they got divorced" or "he was never quite right after that heart attack"
I'm afraid that I have survived something that was just too much for me and that I can't seem to get back from

AIBU to think that some things are just too big for some people to deal with and change them forever?

When you survive something everybody says how strong you are. But what if your not that strong? What if you survive something that was just too big? What if the personal cost was too great?

Or is everything fixable with time, counselling etc.? AIBU to think that some things can break a person forever?

You have no place saying people cant label their own feelings

ich I never did.

And quite simply I was trying to support OP by telling her that she's not broken. That what she's feeling is normal and ok. I don't see any need to continue derailing her thread over semantics tbh.

I think it goes beyond your outlook on life.
I had one outlook on life and now, post trauma I have a totally different one. People I had given everything for in the past let me down so badly in the aftermath of horrible events. Because they were not equipped emotionally , or for what reason , I’m not sure.
Things I thought were relevant and important just weren’t. Things I thought weren’t, suddenly took on the utmost importance.

Yes yes I'm broken husband and toddler died within a year
Now my 4 year old has leaukemia it's a curse
I have 5 children to care for a job the meds they gave me knock me out I can't be a good mum on those clinging on just I will keep trying I can't let them down

I think we can be broken in that something rests out resolve so much, at that time we just don't want to feel anything.

Time does not heal in the sense it goes away, but it means you're further away from the trauma.

I feel that the worst thing people do after trauma is expect themselves not to be changed. They feel they can't let others down. But it's just not realistic to just carry on and act how you'd like to.

Giving yourself allowances, accepting the bad days as a matter of course and understanding trauma in a general sense is so important.

No matter the trauma, you can always continue on but you do so when you have the drive to.

Be kind to yourself. 💐

Thinking so much for all of you. I experienced a life changing injury and a protracted ordeal which left me very traumatised. Few people realised the extent to which I was suffering and, I’m sure stopped really remembering what I’d been through. Not a bereavement but a big deal.

I had a lot of therapy and, crucially, EMDR which did help me turn a corner. I’m recovering and whilst I can never recover I’ve found a new way of living and coping. Mostly.

Solidarity to you all.

@caxx bless your heart, that’s so much for one person to take.

I know I'll never be as idealistic, empathetic and honestly hopeful as I was as a teen.

I have found myself a lot more bitter, more cynical and very much distrusting of men. I love DH, my Dad, BIL but I always have dread around males older than around 12.

So sorry to hear so many people feel broken.

Chloe I really wish I could hug you.
You sound so like me 2 years ago.
I was definately broken. On the floor broken into pieces. And didn't ever think I could rise from it. But I did. Or am continuing to.

I'm not the same as I was before the trauma that broke me. I'm nervy, anxious, and fearful .... but in a more manageable way now compared to the mess I was in 2 years ago. Medication, time and being easy on myself have helped. Talking didn't help me and I felt so so alone. Still do sometimes but I'm mostly ok now.

Sweet holy god caxx how are you even still standing!! You don't realise it but you've got some strength girl!
Sending hugs and all the positive vibes I can your way xxxx

Some of the stories here are absolutely heartbreaking. I am amazed at women's ability to keep going despite terrible things happening.

@caxx I was really moved by your account, sending you lots of love.
Everyone else, hang on in there and give yourselves a pat on the back. You are amazing.

For myself, I have had a series of body blows in the past nine years which have fundamentally changed me. I think losing a parent is especially life changing. My trials started with the loss of my father , followed by a whole series of losses and struggles during which I had to be strong, and cope. It has knocked the wind out of my sails. I have far less resilience, have become anxious and traumatised. Little things throw me. Life feels like a struggle and I feel like all the joy has disappeared permanently.
All the constant negativity in the news does not help - the world feels like a very frightening place these days. I truly don't feel like the same person I was ten years ago. I think repeated stress and trauma does fundamentally change a person . You can carry on, but not in the same way, and with far less resilience.

@Chloe you are so right about the lack of mental health provision. I understand what you mean about trying to find it yourself despite all the odds. You put it very eloquently.

How are some of you sweet, brave women still standing? Astonishing and heartbreaking in equal measure. Taking joy in small pleasures - growing food, eating well, chatting to friends on Facebook - these are the things that keep me upright. But some of the things you all have suffered here - it has had me in tears. Yes, you are eloquent Chloe and I am sorry that there has not been the adequate support out there for you.

Proteinshakes if you find the word 'broken' useful, fine, I didn't intend to remove anything useful from anyone in dire straits. It's a new phrase to me. I do tend to look at social models, and I do think Britain is less tolerant of different character traits than in the past. Different perspectives is all.
caxx I can only hope things get easier for you .

Time doesn't heal, it's a myth. Adversity, especially childhood adversity, predisposes to depression, anxiety, heart disease, cancer, autoimmune conditions, chronic fatigue and chronic pain. Bessel van der Kolk's "The Body Keeps the Score" obliterates this myth.

Can experiences break us? Yes, and can do so for life. I'm sorry you're struggling Chloe.

Hearing about things like The Body Keeps the Score is disheartening for those of us who have had repeated trauma in our lives. It feels like a death sentence, something we can't escape. I don't want to be written off just bcs I'm half dead!

There's a lot of research done into Adverse Childhood Experiences - https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/AdverseChildhooddExperiencesStudy

The study questionnaire is here: acestoohigh.com/got-your-ace-score/

My ACE score is 6. The book "Childhood Disrupted" by Donna Jackson Nazakawa explores in detail.

springy but its only predisposition...it doesn't mean it will actually happen.

I almost certainly have a higher heart disease risk than you (family history) that doesn't mean its 100%...its just higher than yours...its still worth me making an effort to reduce my risk!

We don't have to be passive in the face of MH predispositions. You can train yourself and study to improve your chances.....

Enough therapy really does help a lot.

But it’s expensive because it takes a lot of sessions. There is a chance that you’ll reach some epiphany in the first sessions, but likely it’ll take months. Mine took 2 years, and I was lucky to find the exact right therapist for me.

It took me ages to let go of the grief for the person I was before. Once I did that, I grew faster. I really do now see in which ways I’m a better person now. I have far more compassion, self-awareness, worldliness and wisdom. I’ve also learned to forgive myself my wobbles.

Youre holding a lot of guilt about your parenting. A therapist can help you turn that into motivation- at the moment it sounds like it’s paralyzing somewhat.

Kintsugi (Japanese ‘golden joinery’) is a great concept in recovery from trauma. I found comfort in looking at images of it, made one pic my screensaver!

So much suffering on this thread, and while it's not a competition, I feel humbled by the fact that so many are actually putting one foot in front of another in the face such grief and trauma.

As soon as I clicked on this thread I thought of this article:

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2012/nov/09/life-after-near-death

It's a book review and I cannot emphasise too much that I don't offer it as my own POV or condone its implicit message (nor do I disapprove) It's an interesting read.

I think maybe some things change you.

I imagine some very traumatic events would have a lasting impact on most people, but some are more resilient than others.

It usually depends on how you were before the event happened. For example... if someone was very dependent on their spouse, had an imbalance in the relationship and suffered from low confidence...then I expect a divorce could seem like the end of the world to them.

I'm the opposite of that...because even if I was heartbroken...I wouldn't give anyone the satisfaction of breaking me...while they move on happily with their life.

With things like bereavements... depending on the circumstances it can make you never be the same again. My aunt lost her second DD very tragically and said she hasn't got enough years left to ever get over it.

She's a shell of her former self and has seriously aged since it happened.

I left an awful marriage to escape DV, I was raped. I managed to put myself back together & rebuild my life, 5 years later my new partner passed away. I was already diagnosed with Fibromyalgia but managed to carry on working & living my life, since my divorce I was diagnosed with ME/CFS, since my partner passed away I have now become severely disabled due to my conditions & am house & bed bound. I honestly think that everyone has their own limit of how many times they can be put back together & once you reach that limit no amount of help will put you back together, almost like a heart will only carry on beating until the damage is too bad to mend.

yanbu

I lost a partner years ago and it broke me and I feel has shadowed my life in many ways. I feel I’m a shell of the person I was before and while it does get easier with time it’s been a long long time in my case and it’s not like I’ve been stuck indoors pining I’ve moved on and remarried etc but life has just never really felt ‘right’ since