Can some things break a person?

[Chloe9]

You hear people say things like "she was never the same after they got divorced" or "he was never quite right after that heart attack"
I'm afraid that I have survived something that was just too much for me and that I can't seem to get back from

AIBU to think that some things are just too big for some people to deal with and change them forever?

When you survive something everybody says how strong you are. But what if your not that strong? What if you survive something that was just too big? What if the personal cost was too great?

Or is everything fixable with time, counselling etc.? AIBU to think that some things can break a person forever?

I had what I now know to be ptsd from my childhood and father’s death. Never diagnosed or anything but my therapist talked me through it. I’m a different me from who I could have been.

I have now been so ill for so very long - I nev r r coved after dds birth over a decade and became really really ill when she was little. Last year I had a major operation. I was so ill before it I didn’t care if I lived or died and had reconciled fully to dying. Life is hard and I struggle. I had to have another big surgery more recently. I have so much recovery still, so much physical pain, so much physio required. I am slowly coming out of the mental turmoil I went through a couple of months after the second op.

Life is really hard. It’s so much harder because you can’t give up, you have to be there as much as you can for your kids. I broke down. It’s ok to break down. The only place to go from when you break down is up. Be kind to yourself.

Of course some things can break a person! Of course not everything is fixable with counselling or whatever. A friend of mine lost 2 children (no grandkids). She killed herself. It was just too much for her. She did try counselling and all sorts. It was too much for her. She knew no peace here and wrote in her note that peace to her with non-being/death.

Unfortunately yes. I hope you're getting support from people around you OP, you sound so sad.

For me when i went through something traumatic, it broke that part of me if that makes sense. It has been 3 years roughly, i dont cry every day but im extremely cold when it's to do with anything from my past relating to the event. So im not broken as such, but i am different.

I think being changed by experiences is just life isn't it? Why should we expect things to go back the way they were? There's something wrong with people expecting that. Life is change. Those who haven't experienced change and being changed are appallingly complacent from my point of view.

I had something happen that broke me

I was never the same afterwards

Do you want to talk about it @Chloe9 ?

For me, I had serious mental breakdown which was acute for at least 6 months, it took at least another 6 months for me to fully recover enough to properly continue my life.
It did break me though. I am not the same person. I am less confident, less resilient and much less comfortable with social situations. I'm not sure any of that will change now. I have taken the medication, had the therapy, worked hard on myself to improve my mental health but some part of me was left behind when I became ill and I'm not sure I'll ever find that again.
I try not to let it get me down or stop me from doing anything but the natural ease of before is gone.

I think I'm just frustrated with feeling so sad and angry and hurt and that effecting my life. I'm trying to have faith in the process but it's hard.

I agree that sometimes in life things happen that shape us or change us forever. It won’t be the same thing for everyone. Some people can appear to bounce back from terrible trauma, other people might be defeated by something appears to be much less serious but it impacts them terribly.

you used the analogy of Kitsugi OP, where something that has been broken and then mended can be more beautiful and precious than the original unflawed piece. I am a counsellor and I sometimes use the analogy of a bone that has been broken and then healed. It won’t be exactly the same, it might have bumps or leave a scar or ache at night. It can be as strong as before, maybe even stronger, but it will be changed, it can never be as it was before.

From what you have said you have had horrible experiences of the sort most of us can only imagine. It is inevitable they will change you, you can’t possibly be the same person you were before, but it isn’t inevitable that you will remain as you are now. Grief and anger and so many other painful emotions are part of your mind processing what has happened to you and with time and help you may start to feel strong enough to live more happily again. Please keep reaching out for help. If services knock you back, wait a while, take care of yourself and try again. And do come back to this or other forums for support when you are feeling low.

I wish there was something helpful I could do but there isn’t. I will keep you in my thoughts though.

Yes I definitely believe a big enough shock to your personal picture of 'how the world works# or 'who I am' can break you.

I was a totally different person after my experience of giving birth. Utterly broken.

It took 4-5 years but I did get help to become something new...not what I was, but not the broken shell I had become either. I'm probably still more fragile and perhaps still damaged in places, but I'm also more fierce and actually in some ways a lot happier than I was before the breakage occurred.

Being broken is real.
But theraputic growth is a real thing too.

Can we talk about it Chloe9?

I dont agree that time is a great healer. I think you learn to love with it.

My nana, who brought me up died suddenly when I was 19. She was all I had. That broke me. It took years to feel like I was an actual person. Not just a shell.

But i was never the same. Life was good, but I wasn't the same person.

3 years ago my life went to shit and has just kept getting worse. I am a different person again. But because its like an avalanche . I get my footing and something else falls on me.

I feel like I cant get up. I will eventually, get up. But I wont be the person I was. All over again.

Yes you can be broken. It's terrible when your sense of wellbeing has gone and you cannot find the determination to climb back up.

However, recoveries are possible. When they happen, they happen quickly.

Something happened to me a few years ago that I have brushed under the carpet and never talk about. I know it's changed me as I'm prone to depression, anxiety and feeling like a bad person because of it. But I'm getting on with having a happy life with my family who I love very much. I'm just very aware that this might come back and bite me on the bum one day because I haven't dealt with it. I would suggest whatever you do talk to someone or get some counselling. (I know this would help me but I can't right now.)

OP I could have written this about seven years ago. In hindsight, I felt the worst when I was safest/had time to feel bad. When the shit thing was in full swing, I was too busy trying to get through each day to dwell much. It was only once everything was over that I broke down. This then made me feel broken and useless- the problem was over so why couldn't I be happy and why didn't I feel better?

Things now are unrecognisable. I have changed, but mostly good ways. One or two people would perhaps argue that I've grown harder, but me being strong never suited them in the first place. I honestly didn't foresee how I would feel better eventually, but I do. I now feel very lucky and content - something I never thought I would be.

Keep on keeping on. It's all you can do, and yes you probably are changed forever, but not badly, just differently

I don't think the word "break" is appropriate. People often change forever after going through major events, whether they are positive or negative. That doesn't mean you're broken. Just different in a way.

there was this pottery that had been repaired with gold in the cracks
Kintsugi. It’s a Japanese method of repair using gold or silver to highlight the cracks. It’s about accepting the repair as part of the history of the object, accepting change and finding beauty in the imperfect. A wonderful metaphor for life imo.

What an empathetic and understanding message fudge

I have been at the point you are Chloe and tbh I'm still a frigging mess, but like pp say, just putting one foot in front of the other and hoping against experience for better times

Some things can certainly break a person. I have had a really shit time in my life. I have posted about this before. I was raised by alcoholics, always had strangers in the house. just as I entered my teenage years we moved into a pub. My parents divorced and mum got remarried very quickly. From age 13 I was sexually abused and raped by a close family friend. I started to do drink, drugs, went massively off the rails. I told my mum and she didnt care, told me I must have asked for it. After that I went ten times worse. Ended up in a very violent relationship with two kids and a serious drug problem. I managed to get away from him, he was convicted of rape and GBH. I got clean, diagnosed bipolar, went to uni and found a lovely man. I had a total psychotic break age 27. That led me to very intensive counseling and I took part in a medical trial of intensive inpatient therapy vs medication ( I got the therapy) and it saved my life. But 3 years later after getting myself a brand new outlook I was diagnosed with a whole bunch of autoimmune diseases that have led me to be wheelchair bound for atleast half of the time and on low dose chemotherapy for life.

People look at me and think I have got my shit sorted on most fronts. Its all a show I put on. Plus people do not always want to see the truth. Sometimes people see me struggling with swollen joints and barely able to move and they think its painful. But its nothing compared to the shit that is in my own head, even after therapy. I go through places so dark when im low that I get so scared I will be trapped in there forever reliving what I have been through. But I do survive it. I turn away from it after allowing the pain for a day or two and I make a conscious choice to carry on. I won't ever be fully healed but I honour the journey and accept that I have had more trouble than most-but less trouble than some.

Interestingly my sister was doing an MA on resilience in psychology. She said I scored very highly, I was one of the highest and so was she. Where we born resilient? or is it what we have had to become because of what we have faced? My Nan alwasy said that women put up with exactly what they have to, to get through life and I think that is true.

FridaKahl0 - yes. I hadn't really heard the word 'break' applied to people until quite recently. It's a bit strange to me. I think it's part and parcel of Britain moving to a model where only certain types of people and personalities are welcome. I'm sure there used to be more tolerance of diversity in the past.

It’s really tricky.
You kind of have to accept living in survival mode for a while. Accept being broken.
I’m reading this book right now..
The Chronology of Water by Lidia Yuknovitch...
From the reviews which put it far more beautifully than I ever could here :
"I love this book and I am thankful that Lidia Yuknavitch has written it for me and for everyone else who has ever had to sometimes kind of work at staying alive. It's about the body, brain, and soul of a woman who has managed to scratch up through the slime and concrete and crap of life in order to resurrect herself. The kind of book Janis Joplin might have written if she had made it through the fire - raw, tough, pure, more full of love than you thought possible and sometimes even hilarious. This is the book Lidia Yuknavitch was put on the planet to write for us." --Rebecca Brown, author of The Gifts of the Body
"The Chronology of Water's central metaphor works beautifully: we all keep our heads above water, look around, and enjoy our corporeal life despite all the reasons not to”
It’s really powerful.

Yes to broken. But with therapy and medication it can be repaired, like a broken plate with glue. It still works as a plate, but isn't quite the same as before. Also I think trauma is something that can make you stronger. To survive it, you need to be strong. After being broken I got to the point of realising that there wasn't much in life to be afraid of, that the worst had already happened and after what happened to me, I survived and this means I am now free. I can do anything after repairing what happened to me. I got a tattoo to represent that and it gives me strength and faith in myself when times are tough.

Yes, I think some things are so bad that you never entirely recover yet you manage to put one foot in front of the other each day.

My ID twin died whilst we were in our late 20s. I can honestly tell you I have never and will never be the same person again since she left. I have gone through every imaginable emotion. It honestly is true that half of my soul died.

There’s a great book called When Things Fall Apart. It’s well worth reading to help you begin to understand the value in being broken. Xo